No, the title does not refer to either of my children. It was spring break this past week. I decided since we're not doing summer programs this year to treat Spring Break like the dress rehearsal. I got some Groupon deals and had a loose list of things we could do, but didn't commit to specific times for anything. It seemed like a completely reasonable plan, right?
We had a busy end of the week the week prior so I was a little run down, but still confident. We hit the children's museum and the library, had movie nights, played board games, went out to lunch, had play dates and even hit Build-A-Bear to make a My Little Pony. I'm not saying I failed at Spring Break. I think we pretty much crushed it especially considering the dreary, rainy, chilly weather. I guess as usual I just wished I could do more.
I was laying in bed after one of these play dates. Roo was snoozing in her bed, Isaac was working on science homework at the table and rain was falling outside. I thought I'd have a nice rest and then get up and decorate the house for Easter with the kids. I also thought we'd go swimming this week, so that's how much I know. After nap I expressed feeling "not right." I instructed Isaac to put a movie on for Riley and himself.
When the movie ended they were playing quietly (probably making a huge mess) and I was in agony. I had a massive migraine. When Mike was done working he had to cook dinner. I felt awful in every way a person can feel awful. It was a horrible migraine, but the guilt was worse. I'd be proactive in keeping myself hydrated and hadn't been in the sun too much. I couldn't explain why I had the migraine or why none of my usual methods were having any effect. In fact it seemed to just keep getting worse!
As I was laying in the dark in pain I started to cry. I kept thinking about how much there was to do. I kept thinking how I was letting down my kids. I must have cried for a while because it got very dark. That's when I felt it. I could hear Mike and the kids in the living room and the wind was blowing hard enough to cause the rose outside my window to scrap against the glass. It wasn't a sound. It was a strong feeling. I felt her there, my grandmother. My grandmother passed away when I was younger then Roo is now. She sends me rainbows whenever something significant happens in my life. I've felt that she's with me before, but this was something else.
She was sitting beside me in the bed and she took my hand I felt it. I've never spoken to her out loud before. I said "Grandma?" and I felt her squeeze my hand. I asked "Why, can't I be stronger?" and then I cried until the bed shook under me. I felt her hug me and then she was gone. I think she just needed me to know she's still watching over me. I don't think she wanted me to beat myself up anymore. When I relayed the story to my husband he delicately suggested that I was "tripping on headache medicine."
Perhaps, I got the message from some other part of my brain that recognized the frustration as un-productive. Maybe the whole thing was some kind of dream, but I gathered myself up after that. No more guilt. I showered and ate dinner and the migraine FINALLY passed.
I wonder if it wasn't hormonal as I'm still working on a naturally obtained balance and detoxing from the pill. So far the cysts have been present, but (knock on wood) not bursting. I know I'm more emotional and less focused than usual.
This morning when I dropped Roo off for her first day back to school and I saw all the cool art projects the kids who had attended over the break made and I felt horrible! I should have let her make art with her friends all week. As I walked to the car I reminded myself of all the fun stuff and quality time with Mom and Big Brother she had instead.
It's hard to know if your making the right decisions for your kids, but I'd like to think my loved ones who have passed are looking down with approval. Even if no one on earth believes me I'd like to think that heaven knows I'm doing my best.
