Hip! Hip! Surgery.

It finally happened! It was strange to go in with questions looming. Would he remove the hardware and my hip? Would I wake up feeling better or worse? I can say that no matter how difficult this surgery was at any given point it still beats the back surgery hands down. For starters I woke up in the recovery room, imagine that! I woke up and my vision was terribly blurred. After blinking repeatedly I touched my eyes and realized the problem was a slimy substance smeared on them. I politely asked the recovery nurse, Richard, for something to wipe them with. Once I could see I asked for ice chips and marveled at not waking up in horrible pain with a tube down my throat.

Once I had taken a moment with my glorious ice chips I inquired as to what exactly had happened. Richard told me I still had the hip I was born with, which seemed odd since I felt pretty good, but who knows how doped up I was. I was sad to leave my new friend, but anxious for answers when they moved me to a room. I never did see the doctor after it was over, but Mike told me the Ortho had opened me up to find the hardware loose! Funny since he was so worried about not being able to get it out.

Turns out when the bus hit me 7yrs ago it knocked the hardware loose. You can't see metal on an MRI (it's just glare) and X-rays are static images so there was no way to know without getting in there. All this time people were saying things about how my hip pain "was in a weird place", etc I guess the fact that it was emanating from the pins once used to hold my femur together explains that.

I was discharged from the hospital Saturday. While this admission was conspicuous lacking the daily 4am blood draws I did not escape the needles completely, in fact I may have had it worse this go round. I was prescribed blood thinner injections to be given in the stomach daily for 3weeks. Yuck-O! That hurt really bad. The poking hurts and there's an ensuing burning lasting sometimes in that neighborhood of 5minutes. After I'd been on them a few days I was cold all the time too. Apparently something like 50% of hip surgery patients get blood clots (the only joint with a higher rate is the knee).

When I finally did she that elusive Ortho a week later (the day after Thanksgiving) he said he was hopeful that loose hardware had been the cause of a significant amount of my pain. He said he examined my hip joint thoroughly and it was only mildly arthritic not dying like we thought. He wanted me to heal up and see where my pain level was before we decide when to replace the hip.

Cruising on Wheels with Babies

I was new to the whole cruise thing so a lot of things came as a surprise to me and traveling with a days away from being 8yr old and a 1yr old had it's own set of nuances. I found the ship super confusing. It was like the first week of college. There were three sets of elevators and if you took the wrong ones you simply couldn't get where you were going. Sometimes getting somewhere would mean taking one set of elevators up a floor to get to another set and then going down. Also like college a ton of people piled on to take the elevator even if they were only going one floor and none of them batted an eyelash at squeezing past the lady in the wheelchair with the kid in her lap. Jerks.

One of the places we went most was the kid area. Floor 17, the elevator farthest from our room. It was ages 3 and up so Isaac could hang out and play, but Riley was only allowed to go in if I stayed with her. Isaac won jumping contests, built roller coasters and competitively stacked cups among other fun goings on. He loved it up there. One of the child activities staff was his favorite "Kenny Ketchup" he wrote about him all over the vacation journal his teacher had assigned him. I had been banking on being able to take Riley to the pool during the day, but they didn't allow children under 3 in or even near the pools or splash pad. One day I tried to entertain her by the pool (which had a short wall surrounding it) by letting her splash in puddles on the deck. I was swiftly reprimanded.

She found ways to amuse herself mostly with pen and paper. This trip was all about drawing for her. She also played with the room phone, hid from her brother under the bed, opened and closed the tiny fridge and tried on our clothes. On the whole the staff was very accommodating. They provided a crib, took special food orders for the baby and brought highchairs. It was incredibly difficult to get Riley to take a nap if her brother was in the room. I spent a lot of time reading in the room while Riley slept and Mike ran around with Isaac. At night the seas tended to get rougher and once or twice the rocking knocked her crib against the wall and woke her up.

We also picked "late dining" so we could eat with the rest of the family, but it would be well past the baby's bedtime before we got served. If we ate early we'd miss seeing everyone and if we split up one person would be stuck in the room with the kids. I wouldn't bring a child under 3 on a cruise again. It wasn't much of a vacation for me because she had to be everywhere I was. Mike took the kids to Princess Cays for a day to the beach where Riley Finally got to swim. Mike's dad took Riley for a walk around the ship one morning, but other than that she was tiny shadow.

In general, despite the popularity with the septuagenarian set, cruise ships are not very wheelchair accessible. I grew up around sea faring vessels and I never encountered one that was, but this was my first time on a week long cruise. The hallways are super narrow and 2 or 3 times a day there would be cleaning carts in them. Crossing from one end of the ship to the other with the wheelchair and the baby in my lap or pushing the stroller was quite the chore. Aside from that the room was small so with the roll away cot the steward originally brought for Isaac I couldn't get around in the chair. We did have a spacious bathroom with accessible shower though.

The staff was very friendly about carrying things and moving chair for me, but overall I found getting around challenging and exhausting. Off the ship things were hit or miss. At some ports there was no way to get off in a wheelchair because they weren't pulling into a dock. They were ferrying people to and from the ships on tender boats. We decided to do an excursion to some Mayan ruins in Mexico and even though we were warned it wasn't "recommended for those with limited mobility" I was determined.

I hoofed it on crutches up the looooooooooong dock through the touristy drop off spot down another long dock and onto a little boat which took us from Cozumel to the mainland. The ride on that boat was one I wish I could forget, one word folks: Dramamine. I've never been seasick before but there's a first time for everything. We got off the little boat and onto a bus were we heard all about Mayan culture. When we got to the site we hired a "taxi" (a bicycle attached to a bench) to take us around. It really amazing. Tucked away in the trees there was a huge pyramid. I sat at the bottom and took pictures while Mike and Riley climbed to the top and back down again. I couldn't help but wonder what kind of life my daughter would lead having scaled a Mayan pyramid before the age of two. I hope there is always beauty and adventure for her.

I was understandably spent on the way back, but it was so worth it. We also got off in Honduras, but I used my wheelchair. I watched people zip cording through the trees and wondered what the rest of my life would hold now that that exact type adventure was out of my reach. Instead we went on the "magic beach chair" aka sky ride. It was gorgeous there, so green. Other than those to adventures I stuck to the ship.

It was good not to be home. It was nice to have some else in charge of cooking and cleaning. I was in no hurry to get back to reality and the hip surgery awaiting me. It was an adventure for sure, but by the end of the trip I was tired of our room. I was tired of rocking (which doesn't immediately stop when you get back on dry land) and tipping people. I'd seen enough out stretched hands to last me awhile. Alot of folks really earned their tips, but after awhile you start feeling like a human ATM, or is that just a bank teller?

Disembarkation was a serious undertaking. You had to have your bags packed and in the hallway by dinner time the night before. You were assigned a color and corresponding leaving the ship time. We got 8:30am and sure enough we were whisked away just like when the we got on. A very nice man helped us and our bags to the curb and Mike went for the car. It had been an entire week since we'd parked and after 10ish minutes my cell phone was ringing because he couldn't find it.

After that auspicious start we were off and limping. Actually loading the car was hardest part. The four hours home (plus time to stop for lunch) passed really quickly even though we finished our audio book on the way there. I think it always takes longer to get somewhere than to get home.

Hopefully this was the first of many vacations to come

Embarkation and Nuptials

Away we went...

It had not occurred to me that setting sail to Mexico would mean no Internet or cell phones for a week, but that's what Mike is for. He reminded me, by entering our cabin and immediately (like before the baby was unbuckled from her stroller) logging on to the Internet one last time. He turned the laptop towards me and said, "do you want to blog or anything before we leave?" Ha! Guilty. That's what I was doing in the last moments in port madly typing notes into my blog and saving rough drafts. Priorities...

On the topic of cell phones I did completely forgot to turn mine off and the first night a text reminding me to change my clocks cost me roaming charges, oops! It's too bad about roaming charges because it was a huge boat and we had a ton of family on board and it would have been easier to keep tabs on people with cell phones. I recommend walkie talkies. Although, scrawling down room numbers on a napkin to call people gave me warm fuzzy freshman year of college memories.

Overall that was the vibe for me. Small living quarters, lots of roommates, expensive "tuition", sprawling confusing "campus", dining hall style eating, visiting room to room, planned activities, party vibe and the cabin steward was pretty much an RA. Except for the sizable elderly population and having kids with me it was a lot like college.

The wedding (aka reason for the cruise) ended up being on the ship on the second day instead of on the beach in Mexico later in the week. The first night everyone met in this bar with a loungey feel before dinner where Riley blew kisses to the handsomest little baby boy. The next day the wedding was in the afternoon. I had my "sea legs" enough to do a decent job of makeup and hair. It felt good to get dolled up for the first time in oh...14mo. I hadn't realized until I saw photos that my beautiful charcoal dress reveled most of my brand new spine length scar (aka the zipper). I have the impulse to write "enough about me", but really it's nice to feel like me again and not just "Riley's Mom."

The wedding was in the ship's chapel it was decorated in white (white candles, white flowers, etc). It was an intimate room especially compared with the rest of the ship. The groom wore a white linen shirt with a white rose boutonniere. The bride who I've rarely seen in a dress looked stunning. It had beautiful sparkly embellishment under the bust line and she carried white roses. By far my favorite was her veil trimmed with sparkle, gorgeous. After a brief, entertaining and emotional ceremony we went to the piazza deck for pictures.

We took a brief intermission back to the room. The idea was for Riley to lay down but instead she discovered the room phone. We headed to the reception at a bar so exclusive it couldn't be found without a search party. There were plenty of drinks, laughter, cake and pictures, but no dancing. We had a really good time...some more than others.

The rest of the cruise was their honeymoon. Sigh...

Getting to the Ship

I've said it before and I'll say it again I hate packing! But with the right help it can quite entertaining...

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I packed a family of 4 for a one week trip (including formal wear and baby stuff) in 1 suitcase and 1 backpack. Pretty impressive, I think. I'd never been on a cruise before so it was all new to me. We had to get to Fort Lauderdale (4hr drive) to get on the boat. I knew 4hrs in the car was not going to happen with my back still healing so we decided to stop 1/2 way in Naples and drive the other 2hrs in the morning.


First of all with the stroller, the wheelchair, suitcase, backpack, jackets, entertainment for the drive, two kids and two adults it was a little crowded in the car. Second the "pillow" someone handed me as I was going out the door was only slightly larger than a postage stamp. We bought "The Sphere" audio book for entertainment which was surprisingly engaging. I switched the pillow between my low back and hip trying to take the pressure off, but a full day getting ready to go and 2hrs in the car did me in. We got to the hotel around 10:30pm at which point my breathing was shallow from the pain and Riley promptly woke right up.

I promptly got flat on the bed, but Riley ran the length of the room 3 or 4 times opening and closing the empty cabinets while squealing with glee. She loved the tiny fridge that was just her size! It was like Disney World, so many new and different things to discover. It was a different experience for the adults. I had to share my bed with the baby and Mike had to immediately get back to work. Between everyone being in the same room, the light, the computer and mommy in the bed with her Riley did not want to sleep.

We were up at 7am thanks to our tiny human alarm clock. Riley decided to write some notes about the trip like mommy was and walked around the room with the hotel pad and pen scribbling away. She also found the plastic cup to be fascinating (I really don't know why I packed toys). After continental breakfast we hit the road again. It was more fun this leg of the trip freshly rested, Mike's work behind him and knowing when we got out of the car we'd have reached our destination.

We arrived just before noon and sat in traffic reminiscent of my LA days pondering the various we have the right to search your vehicle signs all around the pier. We muddled through unloading the car, the stroller, the wheelchair and the kids. We happened to run into the people loading checked luggage who took pity on our ridiculous attempt to carry our all of our belongs and checked out bags right there. We headed into a winding theme park like line a lot lighter and started getting excited. Especially Isaac who heard from one of the disembarking passengers that there was a free unlimited ice cream bar. We were only in the line about 10mins before a nice gentleman whisked us through the crowd to the wheel chair line just like at Disney.

Ready, Set, Cruise!!

Punked!

The last thing I wanted was another urgent "come in right away" phone call. We're getting down to the wire to go on this cruise and I've been jerked around more than a little bit by the Ortho this month. I pried, but the girl calling didn't know anything except the hospital had called and he needed to see me right away.

I had a complete meltdown at this point because regardless of what was coming it couldn't be good news. I took moral support to the appointment. Ortho came in himself and looking more awkward and nervous than usual announced "We have a problem."

Despite the fact that the surgery was now scheduled for the 4th time the hospital had just decided my custom hip was far too expensive. Apparently, a one of a kind titanium hip runs about $15,000 and the hospital is supposed to buy it and get reimbursed partially by insurance and they just decided it wasn't worth it.

As I sat there stunned and hyperventilating the Ortho's cell phone rings. I thought if this ass answers his phone for an excuse to leave the room after a bomb like that! He checked the caller id and announced "speak of the devil" and answered it. After several minutes of discussion which included "she's right in front of me", "I was just informing the patient" and "so, it's ok?" he put the hospital administrator and speaker phone. "It's ok. Just try to do the bare minimum."

That little number cruncher had no idea that in my case a $15,000 hip is the bare minimum. Crisis averted.

Your Nervous System and You

Pain is like an onion besides the fact that it stinks and makes you cry having it effects your relationships with others. I feel that the true nature of consistent pain's influence is misunderstood. Hollywood as usual does us a disservice here misleading those lucky enough to be inexperienced with pain. I believed based on movies that if someone had a heart attack they would turn blue, clutch their chest and fall to the floor. When my father had his, his face went pale his voice was a little strained and he repeated over and over "my arm really hurts. I think I have indigestion." The truth is most physical pain is suffered much more quietly and alone than in the movies. Beyond the simple fact that no one can feel what you are feeling it is incredibly difficult to communicate what pain feels like eloquently.

I am in pain. I have been every day for the last 7ish years (since the bus hit me). I do not like pain medicine and the thought of laying in bed all day or complaining all the time is depressing. It's been there everyday all day for years. It's like a TV tuned to static sometimes it's easy to ignore and sometimes it's all consuming. Sometimes you're distracted enough that the buzzing in the background is tolerable. Sometimes it overrides your will to function and you want to throw a brick at the piece of junk making your life unbearable.
I spent my childhood having surgeries and subsequently being doped up. I hate it. I hate that I'm not in control of my own body drugged. The pain causes that feeling without pain medicine on top of it. I hate the disorientation. I had the headaches and vomiting that always accompany being medicated.
Pain is vulnerability. Why would I wear it on my sleeve? Why would I show anyone how much it hurts? There is nothing to be gained. I choose large doses of denial, adrenaline surges and sheer (sometimes self destructive) determination.
I hate my body for being so susceptible to injury, pain and degeneration. I want to get through a day without having to lay down, cry, take deep breaths or pay for it with days with the complete inability to function. I hate that I've missed out on so much and even more that the kids have because of this.
I have done all I can do. I have submitted to 2 or more major operations after a lifetime of enduring them, I have admitted I need and asked for help (not easy), I have allowed myself physical limitations and remained a functioning, if barley, human being. All in the name of lessening the pain.
So, when you see me smiling and sitting up right don't think I'm cured. Of course you forget I'm in pain I am using all the will power I can muster to try to forget myself. I don't want it tattooed on my forehead. It looks strange form the outside that I show up to some functions and not others, but that is the nature of pain. Some days are far worse than others and especially when I push through for a while. I get tired. There is no greater drain on energy reserves than functioning through pain.
Patience folks I continue doing my best.