Happy Anti-Bionic-Aversary

All that horrible metal came out of my back one year ago today, September 9th. I've survived a lot, but the back surgeries are still a pretty raw nerve so I'll keep this short and sweet. Woo-hoo, 365 days of no metal in my spine! I wish I could say it was a pain free year, not even close, but it was totally the right call. Healing is such a long process. I still have the bag of screws and rods. I've been encouraged to make some kind of art piece with it, but even a year later I'm not there yet. Someday, I'll either make something beautiful out of all that ugly metal or I'll throw it away, but not today. It's just a reminder that you have to "just keep swimming."

Ortho Follow Up

Before I begin this post in ernst let me just take a moment to aplogize for the boring titles! October has been so spectacularly busy and I just haven't gotten into the title grove as I play catch up editing posts I started in October and am finally publishing in November! Sigh...

Today, fresh off the excitement of Fall Family Fun Night at Isaac's school we were up and out the door early. Mike had a normal work day. Miss Roo gets to hang out with her class AND the class next door on days when the big kids' teachers are off. Isaac got to go to a school's out program called Spooky Science. The lucky duck! They're going to meet creepy creatures, make static ghosts and have a mummy race among other things. What about me, you ask? I get to go to my whatever week post op follow up. Did you catch that? I lost count of how long it has been. It means I'm recovering or that I've been insanely busy and overdoing it. So, I knew this appointment could go either way...

It was kind of a blur honestly, but my only concern was that I've been having chest pain. A lot of it since coming from the hospital. I assumed, it was stress and said nothing. After awhile I complained to Mike, but refused to it discuss with my doctor. Then I got scared and decided I'd bring it up at this appointment. When Mike and I discussed it last night we realized (of course!) that it hadn't happened since I decided to tell my doctor about it, but it was still worth mentioning.

I asked the doctor if chest pain could be a result of position during surgery or something of that nature. He said no, but after a longer chat on the subject we decided that lots of laying flat and Advil were giving me acid reflux which can cause chest pain. So, it was probably stress/anxiety and acid reflux causing the issue. Especially, since it almost disappeared once I stopped laying down and Advil almost entirely.

Other than that issue though the doctor was pretty pleased with my progress. We both agree the surgery was the right thing to do. The part of my back that bothers me most is apparently the area with the "most movement" and I still need to adjust, Isn't that weird. He says I'm dismissed, basically if I need anything give them a call, but that's it. The back hardware removal process is of for the orthopedic surgeons.

Tolerance- Capacity to Endure

Today is exactly one month since my back surgery. Today I had my last home visit from physical therapy. Don't worry this isn't a rant about how the insurance dictates treatment instead of the doctors wishes or patient's needs (believe me I could fill a blog with that). It's about the lack of guidance or ceremony these milestones are greeted with in adulthood. There is a complete lack of cheerful nurses in cartoon character scrubs to say: "Great job, you dressed yourself! Now, try tying your shoes." There's no support system of medical professionals to caution: "Don't do all those dishes your ankles and knees will swell". Instead the doctors tell you to do things "as tolerated".

The only way to know if you can "tolerate" something is to do it...scary. It's kind of like being asked if you have an allergy to a food and responding "I guess we'll find out" as you take a bite.

I find it interesting that the medical profession choose that word. The title to my post is the dictionary definition of the word. Doctors don't tell you to go ahead and do the amount of weight bearing you're "comfortable with" or walk until you feel "fatigued" or stretch until you "have a sense of accomplishment". I think you see where I'm going here. Every mundane task I regain is an experiment. If I try it and it goes well then it is mine once again. Of course that is the best case scenario. More often I try out of impatience and fail. Sometimes I try and succeed and spend anywhere from hours to a full day in bed/tears. Who decides what tolerance is? It seems to be a broad spectrum. Like when they say what's your number on the pain scale and you tell them. They follow up with and where are you usually? I always give the number I am most often and also the highest I can tolerate without medication. I think the same person who decided someone in pain would be able to articulate it in numeric value came up with "as tolerated". Honestly, If I never did anything that caused me pain/discomfort or fatigue it wouldn't leave a lot.

Is tolerance the goal? If I finish washing dishes/doing laundry/putting kids to bed and I'm still upright I'm pretty sure I tolerated it. I'd like to stop thinking about how much pain or fatigue each thing I do causes. I would like to get up and get ready in the morning without thinking about it. I'd like to run to the store without help or pick up my kid from school. I think my tolerance for pain and fatigue are high (much higher than my tolerance for frustration). I also think my goals lay pretty far beyond tolerance. Onward past tolerance...

Staples Be Gone

Today they took all those suckers out. First back surgery (putting all the hardware in): 113 staples, first back hardware removal (they took out 2 cross bars): 22 staples...this time: 67! Even though I've had more staples than an office supply store, I was so relieved to hear that number. When I got the 113 staples out I actually took a break and vomited into Old Ortho's trash can. I'm pretty tough, but that is an absolute ton of staples getting yanked one at a time. It is much funnier in hindsight than it was at the time.

I knew I could handle 67. Even with the same ridiculously long incision,It goes lower than you can see in the picture, almost 50 less tiny pieces of metal to be pulled out. To be clear it's the tape coming off and the dried glue that sometimes rips off with the staples that hurts. This was a whole new ball of wax, less staples and different doctor. They had two nurses tag team it. One started and the top and one started at the bottom. I took one break and then sat down for the last four. I did yell a little, but I didn't curse or cry (or vomit).

It's always a rough day when they come out because there's soreness, but you also have this new vulnerability. It's no longer covered, protected, reinforced. It can be super emotional and frustrating. It's all worth it though when you get your first garbage bag/cling wrap free, REAL shower.

Stream of Social Media: Surgery to Home

Surgery day. My rumbly tumbly and I have hours to go...So glad we pre-ordered Star Trek into Darkness (3D).
"Cuzz Katie, Life will be grand when you're healed..."
"I am hoping the anxiety of surgery is the worst part. You will be feeling better soon!!"
"Praying for success."
"Love, hugs & prayers Katie!!"
"Ok Katie update. Just went in to surgury about 3:15. She will do well, and healing will go well. Please keep the prayers coming. thanks for your support. Mike and I are here waiting @[The Hospital]."
"Katie is still in the O.R., getting close to the end of the window they told us to expect her to be out. Will update when she is in recovery."
"Longest day ever!! Finally, Katie out of surgery"
"The doc says it was one of the most unusual spinal systems he has ever seen (this is not the same guy that put it in), the universal hardware bits wouldn't work with this hardware at all and he had to drill some of them to get a grip. Apparently it made a lot more work for him. Two of the top bolts and four of the bottom ones were grossly loose and were "windshield wiper-ing" her soft tissue every time she bent."
"They say she is "closing" now - they are closing her up - its a very big incision to close."
"She is in recovery now"
"Wow. Well I'm glad she is in recovery!!!"
"Whoa"
"She is in a room set for the night, at [The Hospital]. I will go back in am and take care of her. It was hard leaving. Her biggest complaint was, where the screws were rubbing, all those spots hurt bad. Ya think? OMG! Poor thing"
"OMG I am glad that all that is fixed now. That had to be horrible. I bet she will be much better after recovery"
"Katie! I'm so glad you are so damn strong! Love ya much ! Your distant Cuz!! Everybody up north has ya in our thoughts! Muah!!"
"Aww! Glad that's over with!!"
"I can guarantee that for Katie, the worst part was telling them about the pain, and them not believing her... telling her nothing is wrong...I have broken screws in my neck hardware too, but luckily mine isn't moving around.. I laughed the day the doc asked me.. "how did you break the screws?" Like I had something to do with it..."
"Speedy recovery Katie, thoughts and prayers are with you"
"Katie you are in my thoughts and prayers! I hope this surgery makes life one step easier!"
"Glad she's on her way to healing...I bet she'll feel so much better with all that cleaned up!"
"Poor little Katie. She surely has been through a lot"

"Katie has been up in a chair for two hours, then they walked her to the door. Progress! Resting now. Thanks for all your support."
"Yea progress!! you can do it Katie!"
"Yeah!!!!!!"
"Katie is better every day. Dressing change today."
"They let her keep the stuff they took out of her back?? I hope she is still recovering quite nicely, also"

I'm home!
"YAYY!"
"Hope you are healing up okay!"
Expecting the home health nurse (change the tape!!) this morning and company this afternoon. Not such a bad one week post op.
"Someone is amazing, and her name is..Katie"
"Glad you are doing better!!"
"You are a woman/mom/wife who doesn't like to waste time! Glad to see you forging ahead so remarkably! You don't need no stinkin' Iron Man hardware - you are already a super heroine in your own right!"
"Glad to hear you are doing well.... continued prayers heading your way..."
Thanks for the bagels and the visit Diana
"You're welcome! Good to see you. Sometimes you don't realize how much you have missed someone until you see them... sniff, sniff."
Glad you are doing better my friend!!!

A Couple of Screws Loose!

Yes, that all came out of me. Click any picture to enlarge.

Forgive the less than sharp writing in this one. It's difficult to articulate details of such a significant event, that coupled with the fact that sitting at the computer was not an option for so long. There have been way too many days like Tuesday. I hung in there on an empty stomach for hours. When Mike told me it was time to go I abandoned my knee jerk neurosis about being on time in favor of denial and fear. We were late to check in at the hospital and I did not care. If you know me you'll understand the significance.

I knew my last back surgery left me with baggage, but I had no idea how heavy all those bags were until now. I was disoriented by all the things that gave me comfort earlier. New hospital, new doctor, new surgery...I felt like I was surrounded by sound and people, but nothing made much sense. In my head I was screaming and trying to cope with where I was.

When I woke up reality seemed more...solid. Nothing like some intense pain to "ground" you. The pain was more intense than I was expecting, but the emotions that came with having post surgical back pain were almost worse. Obviously, I toughed it out and got back home. It's a long road of recovery ahead, but nowhere near as long as last time. Onward a few pounds of hardware lighter I go...

Lattes and Labwork

I always forgot/block out what a long day pre-op lab work day always is. I had to do it right away because next Friday is Miss Roo's 4th birthday and the next day is her party. In order to get my head in the right space I threw coupons to the wind and splurged on my beloved pumpkin latte and donuts. so, I started the adventure caffeinated and with an overwhelming sense of deja vu.

They still needed the actual disc of my cat scan films because Dr. B was only able to view them online thus far. That added an annoying errand to the itinerary. I'm just grateful my mom was driving after picking up breakfast. I met with Joe, the right hand man, and him alone regardless of the mention of the hardware rep the day before yesterday. He seemed confident that once we got the disc to them we'd be ready to roll. He discounted my theory for the loose hardware with complete confidence and told me it wasn't "uncommon" for hardware to come loose. (Yikes.) I may get more aggressive about exploring other explanations down the road, but for now I'm requesting a copy of my chart and hitting the Google. Besides, it's completely obvious that I forced the hardware out with my Jedi mind powers! Duh. The force IS strong.

After our chat with Joe we proceeded to procure the elusive disc (but not before obtaining stickers and a lollipop to bring to Miss Roo). When we got there the old man at the desk was a bit huffy that we hadn't called ahead and dismissed the nurses claim that the line was busy out of hand. Nevertheless fifteen minutes later we were walking out the door with the object of our quest. My Jedi powers probably helped us out there too (they can't hurt).

Because one hospital in one day wasn't enough we went over to the hospital where my surgery will be. Sigh. That's when the real fun began. Pre-registration (just like for a vacation), blood work, EKG and chest x-ray. I still hate needles. How far are we from functional tricorders? While we're on the subject I'd love an ETA on the Doctor's super scalpel that can just beam objects out of you too. Anyway, back in reality everything went pretty much hitch-less until the final test which we had to wait almost a million hours to do which was annoying because it was far from crowded and the X-ray itself took less than two minutes. After which they forgot to give me my paperwork back. After one last chat with the admitting nurse it was time to deliver the disc to the Ortho and find some freaking lunch.

I miss being single on days like today when my fondest wish was to finish my lunch and go home and crawl into bed. No such luck, Isaac needed paperwork filled out and supplies gathered for gifted, homework supervision and a ride to the library to pick up his hold items before they close for the long weekend. After that it was off to collect Miss Roo from school and back home. Despite being told I was tagging him him at 6pm exactly if not sooner Mike is still working well past 7pm so I had a clumsy jaunt into the kitchen to reheat leftovers for the kiddos. Thanks to some streaming Hello Kitty cartoons I'm hoping all will be quiet until Mike really is off the clock.

Speaking of, I hope all his quiet until the 10th.

The Less Bionic Woman

Today was the day I went in to see Dr. B and discuss the results of my cat scan. When he ordered the test he said he was looking to see if the bones had healed completely/correctly and to find out if I had any fractures. When I went for the scan I was told that they would send the disc to the doctor. Three guesses what the doctor did not have. After waiting over an hour the normally upbeat Dr. B came in with an unpleasant expression on his face and my results clutched in his hand.

It went something like this:

Dr. B, you don't look happy.
(He shakes his head, there is a pause)
Were there fractures?
No fractures
Ok
Where is your pain again?
Between my shoulder blades and my tailbone. (he pushes on my back)
His expression is more upset than before
I just can't tell if the bones have completely fused.
Oh.
Do you think the surgery corrected your deformity?
I didn't have a "deformity". I had 5 degrees of scoliosis since birth and 15 degrees after pregnancy. [Old Ortho] said fusing my back would help my pain and make it possible for him to fix my hip. Which he didn't end up doing.
(I can tell he's got a few choice things to say about Old Ortho now, but he won't be unprofessional)
I'd like to to take it all out.
Ok, how long in the hospital?
Three days.
Blood thinners after discharge and all that?
No
Close with staples?
Yes
So this is what you want?
Yes
Ok, I'll send her in to schedule you.

From the way he left I wonder if he yelled at someone or punched something. It blew my mind a little bit which is odd since I said from the beginning that the hardware would probably have to come out. I guess thinking of the most horrific surgery I ever endured as unnecessary messes with me a bit too. I'm a little angry at Old Ortho, but on the other hand I feel vindicated. He didn't offer a theory as to way it all came loose, but I have a working one I am researching. In the end I'm glad it's coming out. Someone listened to me and is going to fix this!

It turned out he had openings next week, but um hello I have a 4th birthday party to host. I took Tuesday 9/10 in the afternoon. I have a pre-op meeting back there on Friday and then to pre-register at the hospital. It sounds like a vacation when you get into the registering, down payments and kid logistics. I know it won't be, but I'm hoping to come out ahead this time. I'll have Roo's party to distract me before hand and Halloween after. Hurray, less cyborg parts.

Puppy's Procedure

I know this will be one of those posts that garners eye rolls, but for anyone else with as much empathy as I have for surgical procedures here it is. Leeloo turned one recently and we scheduled her to be spayed. It hadn't occurred to me that I would feel any emotion over this. When receiving the instructions from the vet over the phone I began to cry! I felt awful signing my poor fur baby up for a scary painful experience away from me. In the irrational part of my brain, obviously. I couldn't get over how distressing the thought was for me.

I hadn't felt any of this when it was the cat's turn. Mike pointed out that the cat was always independent where Leeloo is very dependent. Such a baby still. Now I have an idea how my mother must have felt dragging me in for orthopedic surgeries. I dreaded the surgery day. I pampered and fussed over Leeloo and hoped it wouldn't come. I worried all day and night before we brought her in.

Unlike me and my poor mom, Leeloo went willingly and happily. It was over so quickly too! One minute she was there and the next they had whisked her away. With all the papers signed we went off to pretend it was a normal day. I ran a quick errand after the vet's office. When I got home I tried to step out of the car and in my haste I tangled my crutch in my purse and went over backwards in the driveway. I fell HARD too. It had been so long since anything like that had happened, I was stunned. Damn, gravity!

While I laid there, pain reverberating in my skull and blood trickling from my skinned elbow, like a turtle on it's back my phone rang. No joke. Ka-boom! Riiiiiiing.
Mrs. [LAST NAME]? This is [Vet's Office]
Hello.
I'm calling to tell you, Leeloo's out of surgery and doing fine.
Oh good!
Just give us a call tomorrow after 9 to find out when you can pick her up.
Ok, thank you! Bye.
Goodbye.
That's how it went. Then I called Mike's cell phone from the driveway and asked him to come help me up. Yup, I was like the old lady in the commercial: "I've fallen and I can't get up!". Once I knew the procedure was over there was just a night with out her to get through. Tomorrow, will be our first wedding anniversary and we'll get to pick her up in the morning. Breath in, breath out, don't fall down!

F#&% Tape!

Yesterday, I ventured out on my own. Not far, not for long, but I did it. I was feeling pretty good. The itching under my bandage, which had started to bother me, intensified. Sooooooo much tape! Never mind having to wrap my leg in garbage bags to shower this stupid thing had passed inconvenient and become painful. Between Mike and my Mom we trimmed back the tape. I assumed giving it some air would help and I'd make it to my follow up on the 11th with the bandage intact. It's the ONLY disadvantage to day surgery: you go home with the bandage they put on in the operating room. They ALWAYS over do the tape. When you're admitted to the hospital they change your dressing before discharge. You get a little air and they're more conservative with the tape.

When they trimmed my tape it was obvious my skin was breaking down. It kept me up last night it was so uncomfortable. This morning I called the doctor to report this development. I was afraid I'd be stuck like this for several more days. Nothing causes a psychotic break like the interrupted sleep caused by and sheer torture that is constant itching. Not to mention the wounds caused by skin breakdown/scratching. Luckily, they had a cancellation so I only had to make it until noon.

The nurse looked sympathetic and told me anyone with any skin sensitivity has issues with the tape they use in the OR. I get welts from bandaids so it isn't surprising I was having such a miserable time. I was stunned when they took it off and told me my stitches could come out (almost a week early). It was mildly unpleasant to get them out, but it meant no more tape. WOOHOO! I didn't really feel it until it until I got back to the car, but Ouch! Not that I'm complaining, I'll take the temporary pain over constant itching any day. Phew. I hope this means decent sleep tonight.

Onward healing process. Now I don't have to go back to the Ortho until after Christmas. Yay!

Venturing Out

Today was the day. I was finally going to leave the bed and the house. We went down town for a nice lunch with Mike's family. He has an aunt who comes to town twice a year or so and it seemed like good timing. Stir crazy! Up and out. Hurray! I squeezed into my loosest jeans (first real clothes since surgery) for the occasion.

The restaurant is in a small airport so the kids spent a lot of time watching the planes take off. I felt good, almost normal. As time wore on we paid for disrupting Riley's nap schedule and eventually my body revolted too. Too much sitting at a 90 degree angle, but my lunch was delicious and the company was wonderful.

Before we left we took a few quick photos in front of the tree. This one is my kids and my niece. Super sweet. We booked it home to our beds after the pictures. Later, I ate my leftovers from lunch happily. I sat up and socialized from 1-4pm, I'm a rock star. I think I'll try venturing out on my own this week.

Hardware Removal 2012

I refused to think for even a moment about what was happening. I focused on holidays, day to day domestic stuff and well anything else. I gave it the smallest studio apartment in NYC amount of space with a month to month lease. It wasn't a surgical event it was just another thought knocking around in my brain. How'd that work? Well, I survived.

The night before I ran errands, ate a big late dinner of surf and turf (Can you call it that when it isn't lobster?) and drank water until the last second. Generally, we have to rush around before it's light out on surgery days, but this one was slated for noon. We got all the kids dropped off and still had time to kill.

Mike took me to Lowes in my pajamas (and belly rumbling)! We wondered around and picked up some little things. Mike found this pretty fiber optic Santa village, but the display was the last one in the store. We aren't really "Christmas village" people, so believe me when I say this one is special. My socially anxious husband sought out an employee and then waited while he raised himself up in a ladder bucket dealy to grab the box for us.

I was starting to panic (but also highly amused) as we left. "Sorry we're late doctor my husband just had to have a Santa village!" We made it on time and everything ran super smoothly. Through admitting, up to pre-op, checked in and changed by 10:50am. Then we sat undisturbed for an hour surfing cyber Monday sales and joking about being forgotten (a girl can hope).

In an unprecedented turn of events the surgeon was the first person we saw. He bounded in like we were in a coffee shop and marked my hip. They all have to write on you where they're going to operate since that guy lost the wrong leg a few years back. Then he asked if I wanted to go home afterwards. He smiled as he told Mike how he ordinarily keeps people overnight, but I could "handle it" because I'm "tough." I promised to be good. They always say "see you soon", but you don't ever see them because you're under so it's hard to know how to respond. I went with "ok."

It was the weirdest thing, the anesthesiologist appeared, the scrub nurse, the pre-op nurse all at once after all that quiet. I felt like a car descended on by a pit crew. Questions asked, IV in, drugs in IV and GO! GO! GO! I'm not complaining, it was a nice change of pace.

I had to stay in recovery for over an hour because I was cold. 94.4 degrees the nurse said. Weird. They kept covering me with blankets and taking my temperature. She asked about pain and I told her it just felt swollen, but I wasn't allowed ice for a while. It was back up to pre-op once I was living person temperature again. Mike was frazzled. He left to meet Isaac after school, but I had to stay an hour with no problems in order to be released.

It was the fast food style hospital visit, in and out. Strange. It was no fuss all the way around: no lengthy pre-surgery to do list, no scheduling drama, no admission, no begging to be discharged. I think most of my family forgot it was even happening, expect for my poor mom who had Riley last minute and got kidnapped on the way home from the hospital to help out. I also had a super thoughtful friend bring dinner and take Riley for a few hours Tuesday. Thank goodness for them both because the down side to not thinking about it is that I didn't make any plans for being incapacitated.

There weren't any messages or texts waiting for me when I got home (aka before the drugs wore off). so I made "check in" calls to a few people changed my status and passed out. It seems obvious already this is going to be more painful than I expected.

Ultrasound Appointment

I felt awful last night so I took a muscle relaxer and slept until noon today (I'm pretty sure it was the first time in 5yrs). I, of course, woke up enough to direct children and husband in morning activities, but that was it. I needed it. I bummed around until right before my appointment. That part of the day was nice.

The tech listened carefully while I recounted my complicated history. I never know whether finding something or finding nothing is worse. She did say she didn't see a cyst. The working theory is currently that it ruptured last cycle (hence the increase in pain). Then she informed me it could take 2 weeks for results. Of. Course. I'm fairly certain at this point it isn't too serious, fingers crossed!

I did get the call about hip surgery right after I left the ultrasound appointment though. I'll be getting my hardware out the Monday after Thanksgiving in the afternoon. Honestly, it's a big relief now that it's scheduled. I'm so glad the timing worked out. It's extraordinary how much peace having it on the books brought me. So, now that it is just another line on my to do list I will just go back to business as usual.

Now, it's time to "Get Kraken" on throwing a 10th birthday party. A squid themed 10th birthday, no less. I'm making squid lanterns and Mike and I are collaborating on squid cupcakes. It'll be interesting. Isaac's parties have always been a little outside the box.

One Down...

Rejected Titles for This Post:

• Hip, Hip Boo!
• I'm a real Hip-ster.
• Hip me out here.
• Hip me baby one more time.
• It's Hip to be Square.
• It's a real Hip shot.
• Pelvis has left the building!
• The old ball and socket.
• Count me with the femurs...
• When you wish upon a scar...
• On pins and needles.
• Screw you, hip.
• Damn, HIPpies
• She's had her hips done.

You laughed at my horrible, horrible puns. Now you're vindicated for only clicking the link that brought you here to see if they were gonna cut me open again. Here's the dilly from today: I was right.

Also, before I get too cocky: I admit to being the idiot who made an 8am appt across town and no arrangements for Miss Roo. The Ortho's new scheduling lady wasn't in so I don't have a date, but we're yanking some screws. He said it's "no big deal" and "if I insisted" he could do it "day surgery" (no overnight admission). When I asked about weight bearing he said there are no restrictions. I'm relieved, but at the same time...last time they took hardware out my back broke. I'm sure in more capapble hands that kind of thing is less likely, but it's hard to shake.

That's all there is today. Hip surgery in the works for soon. Next update will contain less puns I promise.

Staple Removing

When I had the spinal fusion they had to remove 113 staples. Today there would be notably less to come out. I was having a full on anxiety attack last night. Back to Old Ortho's hell hole of an office. My mom came with to hang on to Miss Riley. My appointment was at 9:30am. We pulled in at 9:15am we were signed in and seated shortly after. We sat down and read Riley's books for a while. A LONG while. 45min later not one person had been called back. It was the same old crap. Jerks. In just under an hour of waiting I FINALLY got called. I remember feeling faint from pain after being confided to one of those awful chairs in the waiting room for over an hour after back surgery.

They made me get an X-ray. An x-ray? They removed hardware. What were they checking? The empty space where the metal had been? It wasn't part of the bone's integrity just an extra bit from 2yrs ago. Sigh. Then she came in and said "how long since your surgery?" Geez people, read a chart. Then she asked if anyone took an X-ray. Do you even work here? Geez. She said everything was fine.

Then a gentleman came in and popped up the 22 staples like he does this in his sleep. Only 2 hurt. Then we were making our way back to the front when the Old Ortho stopped me in the hall and starts looking me over. It was eerie like he was looking for a way to squeeze more money out of my broken body. He even acknowledged he may never see me again after today. Darn right.

"

Baby..er..Puppy Steps

We've had Little Miss Leeloo one day shy of a week. We have never left her alone at this point. She went from all her siblings around to at least one member of our family. When my father-in-law invited us to dinner my very first thought was "What about the puppy?". I think my exact response was "yes, but I'm an anxious new puppy mommy so I hope service is fast." To which he replied that it would would be good for her. I know it's silly, but it felt a lot like the first time I left Riley with a sitter.

Grandma come to relieve me of Miss Riley in the morning. I'd been really disrespectful of this lastest operation. Over-doing it and ignoring it for almost a week. I can hear the Ortho saying "Every surgery is a tremendous insult to the body." I laid in bed cuddling my puppy off and on all day. We decided to baby gate the living room while we were gone. At this point she has never been in her crate with the door shut. Mike would walk her right before we left and hopefully she'd sleep during most of our absence. It was harder for me than her I'm sure. Nine weeks is still such a little baby. I know most people leave their puppies alone earlier on and often, but I didn't have to so I didn't.

She did great while we were gone. She didn't get into any trouble. She was happy to see that we were back with company. Leeloo didn't use her puppy pad during the two hours she just pranced right out and pottyed outside when we returned. I was very proud of her. I think Grandpa and Yaya enjoyed meeting her too.

The 5th Day

The number of surgeries I've had is approaching my age at this point. After my hip surgery I posted a status on Facebook about how miserable I was 5 days out. Mike's aunt replied that the 5th day is always the worst. I can't remember many 5th days. I think every single day of the year that followed the spinal fusion was awful. I do remember that 5th day after the hip surgery. Today, a full five months after the hip surgery, I was having a rough day.

I was on my own with kids and the puppy and feeling exhausted from interrupted sleep and healing. Riley was being oppositional and rude over the smallest things. The puppy had a handful of accidents so there was a lot of up and down off the floor. Isaac had a meltdown at school and came home ready for another one. It was very overwhelming.

I dealt with everything in turn, often wondering how mothers of three manage. It occurred to me at 4pm that all I had eaten today was saltines and a Coke. Oops. When the pain level increases my appetite goes the other way. I was mad that I fought through the pain of a full spine fusion on extra strength Tylenol and now this relatively minor procedure was causing me to consider using the pain pill prescription I hadn't wanted in the first place. What's happening to me? Am I turning into a wimp?

On top of the physical pain and fatigue I felt like a failure. Leeloo has ONLY had accidents when I'm here alone. It must be a failure on my part. Both kids were demanding and awful in their own way today. I began to unravel wondering what choices I made that lead them to treat me/their teachers, etc the way they were today. I could also feel Mike's annoyance with me growing.

I interrupted him from work periodically through the day. He's not a natural nurse and he tends to get irritated that I've done too much rather than be sympathetic. He did coerce me into eating and taking Advil at some point. I realized as I was forcing dinner down my throat that today's the 5th day!

No wonder it all feels so bloody hopeless. I'm scared that the surgery didn't actually work and I did all this for nothing. I hate how much pain I'm in, this was supposed to be the "easy one". I hate that the puppy can't just tell me what she needs like the other toddler. I hate how no one said "Thanks! Now go lay down." I hate that I'm starting to forget what day it is because I haven't left the house in so long. I don't feel like I'm doing a good job.

Fifth days suck. I wish I could say with any level of certainty this was the last one. I guess I need to stop expecting to wake up "better". I know I shouldn't complain when my days are spent with this two:

Mike asked me if I remembered any 6 or 7th days. I don't and I think that means they were at least marginally better than the day before.

Surgical Reflections

At first I was mad. I NEVER wanted to see my Old Ortho again. I wanted to take some time off from surgeries if not retire from them entirely. Then when it was clear it was the right thing to do I started to feel anxious. What if they take the hardware out and it doesn't help? What if I went through the whole process for nothing.

Now that I'm a few days out from surgery I can tell something is different. It's kind of like when you're at the end of your pregnancy and you have a tiny heel digging into your ribs for months and then it's gone. You don't immediately feel like a million bucks, because you're still sore and bruised. You feel different not great or horrible, but different. I'm tired and there's more pain then I anticipated, but even through all of that I can tell something is different.

I took the pre-surgery pain pill and they numbed the area during surgery so day one wasn't too bad. In the days following the pain came into sharper focus and my brain became less so. They gave me a prescription for pain medicine even after I asked them not to. I hate that stuff. I may feel better for a few minutes, but then I puke it up the rest of the day and feel druggy the following one too. Pass.

With two kids and a puppy you have to be "with it." I wish I was healed from this stupid hardware removal. From procedure to recovery is always a longer road then I remember.

My new scars are on top of my old one. I'm glad I can't see it. It looks like something from an old horror movie. Blah.. Mikes says I should tell everyone I had to have my angel wings removed again. I'm supposed to follow up with the Ortho in a week and get my staples out in two. Why he choose staples for two small incisions I don't understand. It makes the ugliest scars in my opinion.

Becoming Less Bionic

We all got up at 4am and had every dressed and in car by 4:30am. I was oddly calm. My usual early morning pre-sugery cry did not occur. I think running late is usually what sets me off and we were on time. I left my rings at home and wore a comfy sun dress. We dropped off and picked up on our way. We were so early getting to the hospital that the admission office wasn't open. Can you imagine, people lining up like concert goers at the hospital.

When we got up to the pre-op waiting area I was happy to see my favorite nurse in pre-op. That's how you know you've been to frequent a flyer. We chatted, but then she sent me to a "room" on the opposite then I've always had. It sounds stupid, but it was a little unnerving to me. On top of that I didn't get my favorite nurse. She's prepped me for every surgery I've had here. Unnerving. I was exhausted and nothing was right.

My nurse this time was nice, but I'm afraid she had big shoes to fill. Mike had to leave to take Isaac to school. I didn't have Mike or my nurse. My mom was sitting with me and I told her not to leave to get a soda because every time Mike has done that in past something bad has happened. She laughed at my story, but when she went to get a soda she got stuck in the elevator!

When I woke up I was groggy, but not out of it. They put me into a twilight instead of putting me completely under. I got to get all comfy on my belly with foam pillows on the operating table. I remember nothing after that point until I woke. That gave me 3 different anti-nausea meds. In recovery I talked the nurse and student doctor (who observed my surgery) ears off. I scored some ice chips too.

I was back in the pre-op area soon after that. My nurse gave me crackers and a ginger ale. I felt like a rock star at that point. Eating even a cracker or 2 was exciting. It was right after they pulled my IV and helped back into my dress that I started throwing up. Sigh.. All those anti-nausea meds couldn't over come all the drugs on empty stomach. I was afraid they'd make me stay, but they weren't overly concerned.

I was home by 1pm. It's hard to tell how successful it all was between the pain and drugs. I asked for the metal they took out. They said everything that comes out during surgery has to go to pathology before it can be released. Seems silly to me since it's not biological. I have to go back later to pick it up. I'm dying to see what it looks like since I've only seen it on x-ray. It may also earn me some cool points with Isaac.

Surgical Consent

I woke up tired yesterday. Miss Roo had climbed into bed with me during the night. Normally, I turn her away, but I was too tired to object. At some point she woke up and said "I want to go back to my fancy bed." So, I helped her down. In the morning Mike asked if he had dreamed Riley was in our bed. Jerk. I wish I could sleep through bed invasions. I got up and got Riley and I ready to go to my appointment. It was pre-surgical counseling day.

Then continuing his jerk-y commentary (even though we discussed it twice) Mike asked "Where ya going?" Nice. We got there at 5min till the appointment and waited over 45min to be called. The actuall discussion took about 10min. Old Ortho even stopped by (Whoa!). All the papers got signed. As usual hours later I thought of other questions.

We made an appearance at girls coffee rather late and then rushed home for a late nap. I had crackers for breakfast. When I got home I tried to persuade Mike to get me some McDonald's fries, but it didn't work. I ate leftovers for lunch. I "rested" about 10min when Isaac was bursting loudly through the front door.

The kids were demanding as all get out in the afternoon too. I'm super aware of how early I need to be up (4am to be to the hposital by 5:30am) and how much we're disrupting the kids' routines. Having surgery is a bit like taking a plane somewhere post 9/11. You have to be insanely early and jump through lots of hoops. Except instead of then being whisked away to some tropical vacation spot that open you up and mess with your guts. I guess it would be like if you went through all the stress of boarding the plane and then they dropped you into a volcano for your trouble.