Your Nervous System and You

Pain is like an onion besides the fact that it stinks and makes you cry having it effects your relationships with others. I feel that the true nature of consistent pain's influence is misunderstood. Hollywood as usual does us a disservice here misleading those lucky enough to be inexperienced with pain. I believed based on movies that if someone had a heart attack they would turn blue, clutch their chest and fall to the floor. When my father had his, his face went pale his voice was a little strained and he repeated over and over "my arm really hurts. I think I have indigestion." The truth is most physical pain is suffered much more quietly and alone than in the movies. Beyond the simple fact that no one can feel what you are feeling it is incredibly difficult to communicate what pain feels like eloquently.

I am in pain. I have been every day for the last 7ish years (since the bus hit me). I do not like pain medicine and the thought of laying in bed all day or complaining all the time is depressing. It's been there everyday all day for years. It's like a TV tuned to static sometimes it's easy to ignore and sometimes it's all consuming. Sometimes you're distracted enough that the buzzing in the background is tolerable. Sometimes it overrides your will to function and you want to throw a brick at the piece of junk making your life unbearable.
I spent my childhood having surgeries and subsequently being doped up. I hate it. I hate that I'm not in control of my own body drugged. The pain causes that feeling without pain medicine on top of it. I hate the disorientation. I had the headaches and vomiting that always accompany being medicated.
Pain is vulnerability. Why would I wear it on my sleeve? Why would I show anyone how much it hurts? There is nothing to be gained. I choose large doses of denial, adrenaline surges and sheer (sometimes self destructive) determination.
I hate my body for being so susceptible to injury, pain and degeneration. I want to get through a day without having to lay down, cry, take deep breaths or pay for it with days with the complete inability to function. I hate that I've missed out on so much and even more that the kids have because of this.
I have done all I can do. I have submitted to 2 or more major operations after a lifetime of enduring them, I have admitted I need and asked for help (not easy), I have allowed myself physical limitations and remained a functioning, if barley, human being. All in the name of lessening the pain.
So, when you see me smiling and sitting up right don't think I'm cured. Of course you forget I'm in pain I am using all the will power I can muster to try to forget myself. I don't want it tattooed on my forehead. It looks strange form the outside that I show up to some functions and not others, but that is the nature of pain. Some days are far worse than others and especially when I push through for a while. I get tired. There is no greater drain on energy reserves than functioning through pain.
Patience folks I continue doing my best.