Mother's Intuition

It is real and it should be listened too. Most of the worst mom guilt I've suffered has been because I didn't listen to my gut. As a mother there are so many, many decisions. They all seem so important at the time (and some are). It's hard not to wonder if you're to emotional, to close to something, paranoid or down right crazy. You have to do the best with what you have at that moment. We're only human.

I think sometimes bad things happen to make you stronger or wise. Other times bad things happen to force you to move on. I would do anything for my children, the trouble is identifying the right "anything." I worried a lot about choosing the wrong thing for a long time, but there had been this wave of certainty for awhile. I enjoyed it and perhaps got a little to cozy. I trusted so much in what I was doing that when there was a problem (cue cartoon car brakes squealing) it really threw a wrench in the works.

While I suffered the seven stages of grief, with denial being a repeat offender, I wrestled with my intuition. I wrestled it black and blue. I got emotional and then emotional about being emotional. I racked my brain for a way to fix things. I would have done anything. I was at a complete loss. How was the situation so bad? How come I wasn't able to fix it? How come I didn't know what to do? I was a failure. A failure for putting my child in that situation, a failure for not being able to fix it, a failure for not knowing what to do know.

My relationships became strained with everyone in my house. The days dragged and focusing on anything else was very hard. I tried talking about it, writing about it, actively suggested solutions, being more present, being less present, giving more, doing more and finally I hit a wall. From my stunned position I looked up from flat on my back and saw things from a new perspective.

Air began filling my lungs and my intuition took the floor, citing all of my observations in neat little graphs and pie charts. There was an obvious answer, it just hurt. Could I afford to continue waiting? No. Could I do more? No. Could I do this? Yes, but...Ouch. What's the bottom line? The happiness and safety of my children. Can the biggest problem be solved? Not in time for me and my child. Darn grown up responsibility.

I've got a map now, but it is rough, scary terrain. Why didn't I do this sooner? Why didn't I have a plan B? Shame on me! Then I scurried around calling, talking, emailing, hoping and praying. Sick to my stomach and putting on a happy face for the kids. Just knowing it was time to find a way. There had to be a way to get my child back, to get my sanity back, to banish the daily fear and feel good about my decisions again.

I tried everything until something stuck and I stuck to it. I followed all the rules, showed due respect and marched bravely forward. I fought so hard for so long and now that I had an answer the fight was harder than ever. I did what I had to do and the immediate response wasn't happy. The secondary response wasn't either truthfully and nothing was easy. Then it was over which just left the letting go. Which is super hard and takes time. Maybe next time intuition is kind enough to call I'll pick up the darn phone!

As things slowly (but much faster than they went wrong) go back to normal, I know I did the right thing for my family. Every happy day since is is more appreciated than it would have been before. I'm filled gratitude and have the gift of a new perspective.