Positive Reinforcement

Once you breathe through your frustration and allow your children to continue their existence it's often helpful to reset. Think back to the last time it (whatever that may be) worked. Than get resourceful. Sounds so simple. I think we were beating a dead horse. Losing privileges wasn't helping one bit towards correcting behavior.

I regrouped, instead of threatening privilege loss I started offering multiple allowance bonus opportunities. They must not have been immediately gratifying enough or maybe not visual enough?!? In the beginning of summer earning free play and bonus allowance worked great. We'd skip merrily from task to task banking a few cents here and there. Playing every few hours. August has become the month of dragging feet, deception, nasty tones and repeated tasks.

So, after I let yesterday disappoint me to tears by bedtime I reset. Mike suggested having computer time start and end at set time everyday. That way if Isaac's done with what he's supposed to do he can play guaranteed and if not he misses out, but no one gives it or takes it. I also informed Isaac that we'd been planing a Lego Land trip and he needed to earn it.

None of that had an effect at first. His 15-20min of revisions to his story took 3hours this morning. So, I took out a piece of construction paper and made a board game style path with a Start spot and a star at the end that says Lego Land. I wrote around the path FOCUS, RESPECT, RESPONSIBILITY and PROBLEM SOLVING in bright colors. I taped the chart on the white board right in front of him.

We discussed specific examples of each behavior. Even though we'd gone over it until I'm blue in the face I wrote out "Problem Solving Expectations." He's so comfy in dependence it's frightening.

Problem Solving Expectations

• TRY to solve your problem yourself.
• If you're really stuck, do everything you can do yourself. Don't loose focus.
• Try Again! Sometimes a second look is all it takes.
• If you still can't crack it, ask for help respectfully.

I also added a start time, time task is expected to take and goal finished to the board. We started with a section of Summer Bridge. I gave him a goal of 15min, it had 4 sections. He was done in 12min, all answers were correct and legible! What do you know. He was beaming when he added the sticker to his reward chart.

Then while I was patting myself on the back, Isaac decided to give up. I gave him 15 simple math problems. Did two with him and left him with an expectation that they'd be done in 30min. In 45 the first 10 were, but only half were correct even though I let him look back at his charts. He just stopped trying after the first 5. I asked if he had any questions, did another one with him to make sure and then advised him to re-write the ones he was correcting on fresh paper.

Two hours and two crying fits (his not mine) later he finished them. Maybe the rewards chart doesn't work?!? Maybe despite my influence and efforts I am raising a dependent, quitter. How can it be? I made a huge deal about the first 5 being absolutely perfect so he knew it was a focus problem NOT a math issue. He has become a proficient divider this summer, the little amoeba.

How will I survive teen age angst and (gulp) girlfriends if a little math at 9yrs old is this stressful? I guess I could let it be between him and the teacher, but he's so close to being confident in some of these concepts. I want his remaining elementary school years to be productive and fun.

Just When You Think You're Not Changing the World

After several frustrating weeks of consistently disappointing behavior at school, the clouds parted last Friday. Since Friday the turn around for Isaac has been amazing. I don't know if the promise of starting TaeKwonDo, Aunt Jessie's visit or the after school science program starting soon motivated him, but wow!

This week he earned blues at school everyday except one. The color system works like this: Purple-an award for exemplary behavior. When they get 5 of these they earn a book. Blue-for best behavior. Green-for good behavior with warnings, which meant you couldn't remain on blue. Yellow-bad behavior with multiple warnings (defiance). Orange-very bad behavior. Red-terrible behavior that required a trip to the principal/referral. This has been the year of greens and yellows because of emotional outbursts, but not this week.

When I picked him up from school, before he even climbed in, he was proclaiming "I did it! I got a blue!" I always know when he's had a bad day because he slinks in quietly instead of throwing the door open and bounding to his seat. He went on to explain that he almost made a bad choice at P.E. because "J" was making fun of him.

I had to press for details because Isaac is not a master story teller, he gets that from his dad. He told me they were running laps and J told him he was slow. I laughed so hard I snorted. If you've ever met Isaac you know that is not a befitting description of him at anytime, but especially running. I regained composure and asked what he did about it. He told me he was upset and told the teacher who separated them for the remainder of the P.E. class. I was proud of him for not turning it into a screaming match as he's in the habit of doing. He then admitted that he did yell first, but decided he didn't want to fight.

I told him that it takes practice to make good choices and next time he wouldn't yell at all. I also pointed out that what J said was ridiculous and obviously he was just trying to make Isaac mad.

Isaac pondered this briefly and then sadly stated, "But, today I was slower than J, R and B!"
I replied, "Oh, Isaac! No one can run the same speed every single day, not even professional runners. Some days you have more energy. Some days you're sleepy. Some times it's the end of a long week or you're stiff from sitting all day. So, some days you're faster and some days you're slower.
He ponders this new information in silence.
I use the opportunity to add, "But, you are never slow!"
He's still thinking about this so I also add, "What a great week, buddy!"
Now he chimes in, "I know!"
"So maybe next week you'll get all blues"
"Yeah, maybe. I used placebo."
"Placebo?"
"Yeah!"
"Isaac, I don't think you're using the word you mean"
"Yes, I'm saying the right thing placebo."
"Placebo is when the doctor gives you a pill that's supposed to be medicine, but it's just a sugar pill. The placebo effect-"
"Oh yeah! The placebo effect! That's it."
"Let me finish. It's when the fake medicine works because you believe it's real."
"Oh. Well, I didn't do medicine"
"No, you're talking about something more like self-fulling prophecy. That's when you believe something will work and it does or that it won't and it doesn't because you already decided the outcome"
"Ok, that then. I believe you'll buy me a book so you will"
"No, buddy that's not how it works. You believe you'll get all blues so you do. What happens after that isn't up to you."
"Ok, but I'm getting a new book for my blue, right?"
"Yes, Isaac. That was our deal."
He laughs like a cartoon villain. "Let's pick it as soon as we get home."

Later that night I took him to TKD. He was so excited he was coming unglued. He put his brand new gee on right in the middle of the floor because he was too excited to walk the 20 steps to the dressing room. I got him all signed up and got all his patches (even his academic achiever patch for his excellent report card.) and picked out a front row seat.

After lining them up in belt order the instructor asked everyone (there are 6 other kids in his class) to go say hi to Isaac. I was on the other side of the room watching. I heard mumbled greetings and after a minute Isaac exclaimed "Some days I'm faster, some days I'm slower." and then he ran the perimeter of the mat. It was one of those bucket filling moments for Mom. He was listening. What I say does matter.

He did amazing the rest class. He got a little confused and started to have a meltdown, but the other kids were so kind and supportive he just couldn't. I wish I had video taped it, it was really remarkable. It flooded me with stage combat memories. I may never have studied martial arts, but I learned all the blocks. Surprisingly, I was almost always cast as the defensive role in my stage fights. I wonder if I could still do the falls with my fused spine? It might make it easier.

It was a warm, fuzzy, maybe I'm not doing such a bad job after all, day. Don't you love those?

Keeping Them In Line

I never thought about what it felt like to have to punish a child from a parents' standpoint until I was there. I was "beam me up, Scotty" transported into a parenting role of a barely 5yr old one day. I thought I knew alot about children from my babysitting and teaching experiences. I never considered how different having one of your own really was.

I knew never to make empty threats or give too many warnings. I knew constancy was crucial. I knew I could handle playing the bad guy for the greater good. I knew nothing.

Sure, I could blame the newness of my stepmother role or any number of circumstances, but I don't think anything prepares you for the first time a child you're responsible for does something truly awful and you have to punish them.

I remember Isaac's nasty words and defiant behavior vaguely, but I vividly remember Mike voice booming from behind me. I remember the punishment being handed down and having to stand beside Mike presenting a united front when all I wanted to do was cry. I completely agreed the behavior was awful and the punishment fit, but I wasn't ready for this responsibility or the kind of "poker face" parenting consistently requires.

It was too much reality. I remember turning to Mike after Isaac left the room and watching his expression change to one of concern for me. I broke down in sobs unable to articulate what it was exactly that had freaked me out so completely.

Again, not being sure of my "place" was part of the emotion, but I think more of it had to do with suddenly having to be in the role of the disciplinarian not just for a few hours but forever. It's a big responsibility and not to harp on this but it made me feel old. Not just old, but of a different generation than I ever associated with before. Displaced in time suddenly and tied down in a way I'd never experienced before.

These days it's just part of the day to day around here, but not by any means the easy part. After some observation of how things were run before me and some acclamation to being an alien in "their" household I found my way. It's funny because that's exactly what the rules are about keeping them safe, happy and healthy to find their way in the world.

I have to say starting from the beginning is simultaneously easier and far more confusing. One minute everything Riley did no matter how inconvenient, repulsive, annoying or frustrating was ultimately humorous. Mainly because she had no idea what she was doing and therefore didn't know how annoying it was. The other factor were all those new mom infatuation chemicals that ensure you keep and care for your demanding, non-sleeping newborn rather than leave them in a stranger's cart at the grocery store and go home to bed.

Mike, always a ray of sunshine, used to tell me often to "just wait until she does stuff to annoy you on purpose." Well, some time around 12mo that time arrived. She's so little that sometimes I can't tell whether her offenses are intentional or accidents and bad timing. The world is a confusing place for a toddler sometimes it's encouraged that you climb, scream, make a mess and sometimes it's not.

I do my best to see the world through her eyes and exercise as much patience as a given day allows. In the end it's my job to keep her happy, healthy and safe. That's always the bottom line. So if she accidentally rips a book I'll be understanding, but if she tries to make a grab for the scissors I have to intervene. If I can reason with her I try for example “Riley don't touch, hot!” On a good day that's the end of it, but if she persists it's time out time.

I'm lucky my toddler is really impacted by how her behavior makes mommy and daddy feel. My 8yr old on the other hand seems harder and harder to reach every day.He tends to not only do completely annoying things that require punishment he waits to do them until it will effect the most people possible. Out in public, while his sister's having a good time and behaving and above all the Friday before a long weekend (or any kid friendly event we've planned our lives around taking him to). I can take away his TV, computer, Legos or dessert, but sometimes nothing seems to have an impact.

Isaac has a marble jar now. I give him a marble goal at the beginning of the week. If he completes his responsibilities list, behaves at school and is generally helpful and pleasant he earns marbles. If he makes bad choices he loses them. If he falls short of his goal there's always a fresh start next week. If he meets or surpasses his goal he gets a reward.

I like the tangibility of it, but it waxes and wanes in effectiveness. When he gets in trouble he tends to wash his hands of trying at all. It can be quite a challenge to rally him. Some days I'm just too tired to engage in a battle of wills.

In general this job has long hours, unreliable pay, no vacations and crushing responsibility.