I Am I, Don Quixote

My heart is pumping at such a rate that I have no feeling in my limbs. I am shaking, numbly. First, I trembled wondering whether or not this was "the right time." Then I anguished over whether I'd been dismissed out of hand, sight unseen. Now, it's official and everything is committed. I am numbly shaking as acid rises up my esophagus. I can't think about how long it's been.

I must prepare. Over-prepare, but not obsess. It will be over soon and then it won't matter either way. It will be a thing I did. An experience I had. Maybe, it'll have consequences I can't foresee, but mostly I anticipate...nothing significant changing. I am afraid. I am old now. I am calling upon myself at an uncertain time. Please God, give me my old strength.

Now it is here. Today is the day. I feel oddly calm. After sleeping past eight, eating breakfast in peace and a long hot shower I feel as if I've taken a time machine back to before I had kids. I spend over an hour slowly blow drying and styling my hair! I kept thinking any minute someone would interrupt me, but no one did. Once I had done my hair and make-up I stood in front of the mirror holding up different outfits. It was amazing. When I looked ready the nerves set in...

I've been out of the game so freaking long. It was my whole life and it's nice to remember that life. At the same time, things have changed. I've never auditioned with crutches before ever. Not once. I'm unsure and I don't want to come off...amateur. I do a full warm up. Forty-five minutes of stretches, humming, vocal work and articulation. So decadent. I flew out the door as soon as Isaac was home from school.

I cursed the heat and my black dress all the way there. Unlike in the "old days" I found it easily and had no trouble parking. Pulling into the parking lot I had a moment where I consciously waited for this to feel normal...it never did. As I climbed out a pretty brunette walked bouncily by. I smiled warmly. When she smiled back I asked, "How'd it go?" She paused a moment and then said thoughtfully, "Good, I think. I'm still shaking." I locked the car, checked the time and made my way along the path the signs pointed out.

I was completely calm. When I approached the glass door an older gentleman held it open for me. He smiled warmly and I thanked him. Another man seated at a table looked up.
"Hello, do you have an appointment?"
"Yes."
"What time?"
"3:10" (which it was, on the nose)
"Ok...(scanning document) Victoria?"
"No, [My Name]"
"Oh. You're down here at 4:00"
"That's not what the email I got said."
"It's ok it's been running slow. Bad traffic. I just need your head shot."
(I hand it over)
(gesturing towards some chairs)"Have a seat, it won't be long."

He passed my head shot to the man who held the door for me. They have a very brief whispered conversation (I assume about the time slots). There are two other girls in the lobby one is reading quietly the other is looking for something. I hear her ask for call back sides for the character I'm auditioning for. They can't find them she's instructed to email the director. Both girls leave. He turns his attention to me:
"Will you be ready in a minute?"
"I'm ready when you are."
"Ok. I have to ask, can you climb the steps to the stage?"
"Yes, no problem"
(He disappears briefly and then comes back)
"Ok, you're up. You can leave your bag here."
"Great."

Walking into to the theater I shifted from numb to excited. Not regular excited, like I could weep for joy excited. Home. I'm me again. Thank God! There are two young men seated mid-way back. They greet me warmly too. They inform me I can deliver my audition in front of or on the stage. I tell them I'll go up on stage. The walk is long, down the incline on the crutches, but I am propelled by the adrenaline that is now pumping through every extremity. I probably could have leapt the stairs. Honestly, I wish that I had. In the past I dealt with my awkward gait up the stage steps, today awkward gait and crutches. I couldn't have been less graceful with a crutch sticking straight out like a freaking lance. Sigh.

Once I was up on stage I leaned those suckers against a handy podium first thing. I moved a chair as close to center as I could get it. I sat down. My fingertips and toes buzzed. They asked me about college and if I lived locally. I told them I was born here, went to college in Boston, lived in NYC and LA before moving back and starting a family. Later, probably because there wasn't anything else to obsess over I fixated on how I mentioned having a family. In a normal job interview it tells them you're settled here, but at an audition it might give the impression that I wouldn't commit to the show. Which is irritating because they'd be so very, very wrong to assume that.

They told me to go ahead whenever I was ready. I performed my piece, but I have almost no awareness of how it went because I felt like I was going to explode the whole time. Hello, adrenaline! I do remember distinctly that they reacted as if they enjoyed it. There were smiles. When I was done they said "Thank you." All very friendly, but it felt like a no. Off I went back to my real life minutes later.

The goal was never to get the part although that would have been lovely, it was to go. I did it. I went. I can go. I can be some version of who I once was. I remember how now.

"The wild winds of fortune
Will carry me onward,
Oh whithersoever they blow.
Whithersoever they blow,
Onward to glory I go!"

Just Another Girl On A Stage

I've been listening to old Cds in the car lately (I know so 90's of me). Ever notice how song lyrics strike you differently at different stages of life? I love that. I love that about all art, every viewing has fresh life experience behind it. Just now the idea of being "one more girl on a stage" seemed exceedingly pleasant.

For those of you who don't know, I'm an actor. I've been recovering and writing for a long while now with an audition here and there. Nothing too exciting on that front. The point being I'm itching to get back out there. On the surface the song describes a performer acknowledging that she's one of countless thousands. I lived in NYC & LA and counted myself among the 70,000 actors looking for work. That feeling wasn't news to me.

After a few listens, it dawned on me, I was never "just another" anything. That sounds more arrogant than I intended. I wasn't just another girl on stage anymore than I am just another mother of two now. As much as I resented being the "girl in the wheelchair" growing up, there is power in being memorable. I never had A-list Hollywood success (got famous), but between my inconspicuousness and my talent those who didn't cast me certainly did not forget. My most exciting TV role was a girl in a wheelchair, as it turns out.

I remember the day I took those head shots. I'd been living in New York and peddling my wares with a black and white head shot. I was immediately given two pieces of advice upon arrival on the West Coast: 1)Get a local number 2)Take new head shots. The world was my oyster. I was ready for anything! In the years that followed many of my dreams came true. So many unforgettable roles and experiences came my way. So very unforgettable that I am stunned at how long ago many of them were. Time marches ever forward. The postcard below is role I decided to move to New York after college to pursue. I was so excited to be involved in the inaugural Tribeca Theatre Festival, to have the lead, to work with celebrities, and to have my face on the post card! I remember thinking this is the beginning of everything. I imagine most kids fresh out of school have that moment: no more learning, time to do it. After seeing the show the playwrite came to the next performance and gave me flowers.

I share time's love of forward motion and I went where ever opportunity took me. I pressed on and shined through until my body broke down like a used car. Even as I relocated and adapted I kept on trucking. It wasn't until my difficult pregnancy and subsequent back surgery that I decided to let it rest. It felt like a betrayal of who I was. I've never sought fame and fortune, but when it's in you it's in you. I find it difficult to be articulate about my craft. I remember auditioning for BU's theatre program. I was asked (after my performance) "Why do you want this?" Without hesitation I replied "It's the ONLY thing I've ever wanted. It's like air to me. I need to be good at it."

Passion is important. Everything is so dull and predictable without it. I don't think true love in any form really dies. I'm still reeling at the show in NYC being 9 years ago. Plays, performances, film, TV, voice work...So much happened before and since. So much change in the rest of my life, but it never left me. Now it refuses to wait quietly while I deal with other things. I'm one of thousands of thirty-somethings who isn't where I thought I'd be doing what I thought I'd be doing. Maybe, the song lyric is agreeing with me: You see me as "just another", but you're so very wrong. Onward, art-ward forever and ever.

I Am A Dancing Leopard

Today was recital day. We had dress rehearsal at 9am which lasted until 10:30am for our little ones. Then lunch nap and show time!

Are my ears on straight?

Ready for rehearsal!

Two Little leopards!

Waiting to go on

Performance

She did great! I was very proud of my little dancer. Daddy even loaded up on Dayquil and made it out of bed to see her, bless him. She had a lot of fans in the audience.

Fairy Tale Breakfast

Today Isaac's second grade class finished their unit on fairy tales and had a celebration, which parents were invited to attend. It's the last day of school before the break so they didn't have to wear uniforms. His teacher requested they dress "like royalty" and gave them all crowns. Isaac wore his knight costume (or jedi knight costume, depending on the Halloween) over a button up shirt and cargo shorts. It just proves what resourceful parents can do with a plain tunic - we've gotten alot of miles out of that thing.

Promptly after arriving, my kids ate the rest of the class under the table. Here'a shot of Sir Eats-a-lot and Lady Ultra Feast

After breakfast it was show time. The class read a fairy tale poem. After that they each read the summary of the fairy tale books they wrote.

Isaac's book wasn't really the most original premise, although most of the other kids wrote stories called 3 Goats and a Dog or 3 Dinosaurs and a Dragon. Isaac's was called Coraline the Story. It did however have hands down the best summary. The wrap up question was "Do you like black cats, magic and mild violence? Then read my book." Sooo Isaac! He was quite the performer. Riley was a captive audience until she noticed the balloons tied to the microphone.

The balloons.
Isaac's Book Summary (for your view pleasure):

It was a great morning. I wish I could have been more involved with Isaac's class this year, I really miss being a part of stuff like this. I took it for granted when he was younger that I'd always be able to be part of his educational experience. Between my hip and Riley I think this is the second event I've attended all year. I'm really going to miss Isaac's second grade teacher. She's amazing.

Isaac and his teacher.
Riley and her heart's desire.