A Night Out Without the Baby

I have found I have about a two hour limit away from Riley before I become physically (thanks breastfeeding) and emotionally ready to see her again. Even in my worst moments when I want everyone and everything to go away I want to be with Riley. This past week Mike got invited to sing with his boss's band on Wednesday night. I was never a bar person even when I was single and Wednesday is right in the middle of the week. So here I was just recovered from camping, tired and coming down with a cold going to a bar on a Wednesday night.

Riley was sound asleep and unquestionably out for the night. I sucked it up and left his mom to sit with the sleeping kids. I was excited to be out with just Mike and to video his performance like the supportive girl I am. Not to mention it had been at least a year since we heard live music.

It was fun, too smokey but a nice change of pace. I was sad the whole time, but it was a small sadness and it didn't ruin my night. However, when it struck two hours I basically chased Mike out the door.

I knew Riley would be soundly sleeping and not even know I was gone. Two hours is just my emotional limit for now. When she came home from the hospital it was about 5min and by December I could handle an hour and now I'm up to two. They tell me someday I'll be glad for a break and I believe them even if I can't imagine it now.

Sweet Moments

When we started dating Michael said "I want to have a little girl and I want her to look just like you"

When we were at the hospital after Riley was born he said "I hope she's a beautiful geek, like you"

Riley Roasting Marshmellows

But Where's My Dinner?

Pleasantville. If you've never see it it's a great movie. It's a black and white 1950's sitcom world and things start changing. My absolute favorite scene is when William H. Macy comes home from work and for the first time in his married life his wife doesn't greet him at the door and there's no dinner on the table. He searches the house unable to understand how this could be possible and then defeated slumps down into a chair and in the most heart breaking tone utters "But where's my dinner?"

So, I went camping this weekend and came back with a stiff tired body and a big old mess. Monday I decided to just take it easy. Let me explain that "take it easy" these days means get Isaac to and from school, feed and change the baby all day, and make sure homework is finished. Mike brought home a pizza for dinner at my request.

The next morning Riley and I had an appointment at 9:15am. We were there until just after 10am, then we went to the grocery store, came home and put all the food away, unpacked all the camping stuff, moved the laundry, ate lunch, fed and changed the baby a few dozen times and then went to pick up Isaac at school. When I got home I completely intended to get Isaac going on homework, feed the baby and start dinner. That did not happen. Instead, the homework that should have taken 20-30min tops dragged on for hours and the baby didn't want to be put down. In the end I got all the prep work done and some of the cooking, but didn't finish.

So, when Mike got home and Isaac was still finishing homework and the baby was eating, but dinner was not done. I said "Hi, I need help." and pointed to the kitchen. If his thoughts were audible they would have been the Pleasantville quote.

Once I explained all I accomplished he was less annoyed, but it's my fear that I'll fail at this. Not that I'll fail at taking care of Riley I've never felt that, but that I'll fail at everything else. The housework, dinner, laundry, etc as well as my relationships to everyone else. I'm sure you can imagine how different things are when you have a new baby with your significant other, but it goes beyond that. I'm too exhausted to make the effort most days and pregnancy/bedrest were really isolating. Which brings me back to, "well if I have no life outside the house I should be able to get this done."

I miss having total freedom to accomplish my goals. Now there are so many demands on my time it's hard to imagine. So I will continue on do the best I can for now and imagining the day when the kids look back and thank me (if I survive).

Further Reflections on Camping

Before we left we took my car in for an oil change and the factory recommended tire alignment. I called and made an apt and requested an oil change and an alignment. When I arrived (after the production of unloading both kids and their crap from my car) I asked if they had me down for an oil change and an alignment. He asked why I wanted one and I said "because it vibrates at high speeds." He responded "well we'll check to see if you need one."

When I came back to pick it up Mike was with me and I asked if they had done an alignment, which they had not. This time Mike asked for it and they said "yes sir." Ok, in their defense they were probably just trying to be nice and save me some money, but I really hate that crap. Car places and doctors! Sigh.

While we were waiting for my car to be done we went to Target to get some things for the trip including a new air mattress. The queen size was $139, but the twin was only $40 so (mom brain coupon obsession) I suggest we just get two twins. Fast forward to us trying to huddle together for warmth and falling through the gab and eventually duct tapping (you heard me) the mattresses together. Even sharing duct tapped air mattresses in a tent with the baby all huddled together for warmth felt like couple time at this point.

Also, I mentioned the freezing cold spring that Mike MADE me get in. I was not thinking clearly about this whole bathing suit situation. None of my clothes fit well from before the pregnancy why on earth did I think my bathing suit would? I've never been a swimming in a t-shirt girl, but that thing was obscene at this point. Mainly up top, thank you breast feeding. I went from a B cup to a D, how could I have imagined my bikini top would cover me? Sigh. I'm not the same shape I was anymore (which for the most part is good) which makes clothes frustrating and bathing suits kind of sad.

To end on a happy note when I sent Mike to the store for diapers while I bought new jammies he got the correct size. He remembered me mentioning it earlier in the weekend! Awesome Job, Daddy!

Camping

Clearly not my idea. Mike insisted it would be good to get out of the house for the weekend. You know those recipes that are supposed to take 5min, but the prep ends up taking 45min so by the time you're actually cooking it you've invested an hour. That's how camping is. The preparation takes much longer than the experience (and the clean up).

Mistake number one was that I grabbed what looked like "a big stack of diapers." Really I should have done the math (8-10 diapers a day x 2.5 days) or just brought an entire pack. Because we ran out on the last day. Which really sucked because I had two huge boxes of them at home (that I bought with a coupon) and we were really only 2-3 short. Mistake number two I brought two pairs of jammies for the two days. What was I thinking? A trip "into town" solved those issues (thanks small town WinDixie with reasonable prices and Bealls outlet).

As far as the actual camping part the much debated baby paraphernalia was the most useful. We set the Pack and Play up outside our tent. We made sure she had a great view of the river and covered it with a blanket to keep anything from blowing in. We also made regular use of the Bumbo. Riley loved camping. She laughed at the bird sounds and was fascinated by the trees and the camp fire. As Mike put it "it [was] the most outside she's ever been."

It was beautiful and some parts of it were relaxing. A long car trip with a baby who eats every two hours, breastfeeding in a dark tent with no back support and not being able get around very well sucked. But I'm glad we went. I survived a 3hr car ride, sleeping in a tent during cool nights, the uneven terrain of the woods, port-a-potties, a dip in the freezing spring and being dirty for days. Woohoo.

I look forward to the baptism trip in warmer weather and to sending the boys camping by themselves in the foreseeable future.

Love, Baby Carriage...Marriage?

Here's a statistic I read while pregnant: "60% of all couples in the United States live together before they get married and 1/3 of them have babies first."

I hadn't been ready to stir up any controversy blogside, but the time has come for this post. Where to even begin. I have a baby. I am not married. Believe me there are people who wanted me to rush to a court house the minute the test showed two lines. I, however, do not own a time machine and in my opinion being pregnant before you're married doesn't change if you have a marriage license before anyone finds out. Also, pregnancy was not a good enough reason to make that kind of commitment especially in a big rush.

I waited until I was 28 years old with a college degree and some world experience to become a mother. I had a baby with someone who I knew would be a wonderful father. Even if the exact timing wasn't what I hoped it was on my terms. No matter what happens between Mike and I at this point I know Riley will always have two parents who love her and are mature enough to always function as a team whether we're together or not.

I'm also observant enough to know that a marriage certificate is no guarantee. There is no magic change-o-ray emitted, you promise yourself to the person they've always been, not the person you want them to be.

All that said he did officially propose and we are planning to be legally married. I always thought I'd never do it. I really believed I'd co-habitate with someone and never make it legal. I just didn't feel like I needed that. I wanted to pursue my dreams, be free to have adventures and be loved by someone without involving legalities. I was never one of those girls who couldn't wait to get married and have babies. I just didn't really see either in my future.

It wasn't the first time I've been (or will be) wrong. So, after instantly going from a single woman to 1/3 of a family my perspective shifted (among other things). It seemed more important to be validated and have some ceremony and contract. I was already wife and mother either way, so why shouldn't I get a big party in honor of the partnership I was already committed to? Why shouldn't I have a nice piece of jewelry and some fuss over how pretty I look in a white dress?

I wrestle with the idea of how I've conformed. Children, marriage...what's next a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence? Probably not. Putting down roots has never precluded having adventures in my opinion. So, here we go, doing all those thing we're expected to in unexpected ways and out of order.

Right on Cue

There is no more sure fire way to wake a soundly sleeping baby than stepping into a shower. Never fails. If you're home alone naptime is your best bet, but no matter how you time it when you turn the water off the baby will be crying...Sigh.

Never Enough Riley Laughing Videos

Labels...

For the less Internet savvy there's a commonly used abbreviation for what I have become: SAHM, stay at home mom. I personally have never referred to myself as a sahm or (cringe) "a homemaker." I usually say, "I get to be with Riley". Which is my first priority and the whole reason I find myself in what I previously saw as kind of an out dated role. I can't stand the idea of being away from Riley right now. For the record I can't stand the idea of my existence revolving around diapers and feedings forever, either. I need to be with my one and only little baby right now. It's not that I accept societal gender roles or feel any obligation to run a home for Mike it's just what I need right now.

I'm so grateful to be able to do it right now. The stars truly aligned to grant me some precious time to be with my baby. I have a lot of respect for the women who always knew this is what they wanted. Most of them do it far better than I do. I'm just less sure of who I am in this role. I loved my single days because anything was possible and now although the future seems brighter everyday it's alot more predictable. I'm very happy, but I struggle with that contentment because the girl I was two years ago could never see herself here.

The universe got smaller. I used to accomplish huge things now a trip to the grocery store, a clean house and a happy baby are the peak of success. I used to introduce myself as Katie, but now I have to add "Riley's mom" in most situations. It's strange. I guess I'm afraid to get lost under all the labels and the "supposed to"s of things. I'm afraid my life won't ever be mine again. I grieve for the dreams I feel I deserted in full swing and hope I can truly be at peace where I am. Which of course is the universe's cue to turn things upside down.

I am certainly no Donna Reed, but I'm no Peg Bundy either. I have smaller goals these days, but I work hard. I have quieter evenings, but I get out. I have different friends, but I have them. Maybe saying what you're afraid out loud takes away it's power and I'm on my way to achieving (or accepting) balance. I have never wanted nothing to change and everything to change so much in my life.

In the end I am grateful beyond words for this time to get to know this person I created. So very grateful that Mike is happy at his new job and we're stable. So happy that opportunities have opened up for all of us. So, glad to be whatever it is I am now, I just don't have a label for the emotion or the stage of life.

My Love

I love
I breathe
I love
I breathe
In all the universe, you are my sole creation
My soul's creation
The only being I made
With all my heart, for all my life
Boundless, flowing, unfathomably growing
Your ever changing face and lengthening limbs
Your sparkling eyes and beautiful smiles
Belonging one to another
A daughter, a mother

Remember the Belly

So hard to imagine I was ever as big as that last picture (or as tiny as the first one for that matter!)

Baby Timing

As soon as you put on a fresh diaper, a fresh onesie or bathe a baby their little radar goes off and they decide to puke or poop. Every time.

The other day I changed Riley's diaper, put her in fresh pajamas and scooped her up in my arms and sat right down in the rocker to feed her and in those 30ish seconds she had a massive poop. I don't even think my butt touched the seat. On many, many occasions I pick out a beautiful outfit that I'm all excited about her wearing and she expresses her opinion about my choice by vomiting all over it. The trickiest part is that once I change her into the ho hum back-up onesie from the baby bag she never gets it dirty...

Riley Eats Her First Solids

Bananas!!!

Riley started solids today. Daddy gave her the Beachnut Banana baby food (that I bought with a coupon) at about 6pm. She was very excited about it. Although the first bite surprised her quite a bit, I guess bananas are pretty sour when compared to breast milk. She ate quite a bit. I instantly regretted bathing Riley and putting her in clean jammies before hand. Oh, well... She was totally a rock star and the moment I'll never forget was when she took the spoon from Mike and fed herself a bite. It was adorable and as a bonus she took it out of her mouth and smeared some on her eyelid. (: This growing up nonsense really must stop!

Coupon Betrayal

So, I've written before about my obsession with coupons since becoming a mother well today was a sad, sad day couponwise. It wasn't an expired coupon or one that can only be used at a certain store (other than the one I was in). Attack of the fine print seriously. I had two diaper coupons that could only be used at Publix from the baby club program. One was for $5 off Huggies, but I'd already noticed that one was for size 3-6 diapers. Riley just started wearing size 2 48hrs ago so that's a long way off. I figured that was no big deal because I had a better coupon for $10 any two boxes of Huggies. Guess what size the boxes start at at Publix, yup 3. Fuckers!! I buy boxes from Sweetbay, ToysRUs and Target all the way down to newborn. I mean come on folks...

Grumble, grumble. Is it sad that this was such an event in my day I felt the need to write about it during my "me time"? Sigh...

Aftermath

My poor pumpkin. She was in really good spirits just a little sleepy until about 3:00pm. All the sudden there was no happiness in Riley's world. Poor thing, just cried and cried and when I tried to nurse her she'd spit it all out because she didn't want milk just comfort. I realized my arm was sweaty where she was laying. Stupid shots gave her the low grade fever which was making her scream.

Tylenol and a bath later Riley was still a fussy-saurus. We rocked and sang to no avail. I decided to let the swing do it's magic. Apparently, the swing only had 6min worth of magic to spare today. Poor Riley, poor me...

4month Checkup

First of all I had no idea that babies get shots at every appointment until 18mos. I'm kind of glad I didn't dread these shots for two months. Ironically, she wore her "Super Happy Girl" onesie to the appointment.

She weighs 12lbs 4oz which 50th percentile and is 24in long which is 56th percentile. Not bad for a 5lb premie on breast milk alone.

She was very excited by the scope he used to check her eyes and thought he was funny in general. She didn't even flinch at the first shot and was done crying about the second one by the time we got to the parking lot. Smiley Riley, what a trooper.

He also gave us (his words) "the yellow light" (as in proceed with caution) on solids. Deep breath mamma, baby is growing up. He even said we don't have to start with baby cereal which is a relief because she only gets one bottle a day and I don't want to mix her one bottle with that tasteless sludge. I think we'll start with a couple spoon fulls of bananas in the evening and see how it goes.

Also, the mysterious bump on the back of her head is another hemangioma between her skull and her scalp. It's apparently as harmless as the one on her belly and should break down around the same time. Sounds pretty icky to me, but it's very common and harmless. I know it's shallow, but I'm glad it's not on her pretty face.

Grocery Shopping

This post was originally meant to be part of my friend Kati's Disabled Mama blog, but we decided it would be better to have a circle (or I guess at this point a duo) of momma blogs. So check hers out at: Disabled Mama

Background on Me
I have a mild form of CP, since birth and it effects my balance, a lot. When I was pregnant I had a few momentary fears about falling, but it honestly never occurred to me worry about how I would carry the baby. It wasn’t until Riley and I were out of the hospital and Mike went back to work that the reality of taking the baby somewhere by myself dawned on me.

Grocery Shopping
My little girl was still under 6lbs the first time I had to take her somewhere by myself. I was worried. The old standby with newborns is the carseat but it’s hard enough to carry it empty. I was stumped. If I unloaded and unfolded the stroller we’d hardly be able to get around in the pediatrician’s office. I certainly didn’t trust myself to carry her in my arms. I waited weeks to have her home with me and now I wasn’t sure how to leave the house. In the end I got a sling and we did just fine.

I knew I’d have some kinks to work out to come up with a workable system for grocery shopping. She grew and I didn’t feel like the sling gave the best distribution of weight. Those really dig into your shoulder. If you’ve ever paid attention to families with babies in the store you know carseats conveniently snap into the front of the cart. There’s an issue with that, but I’ll start with getting out of the car. I’m sure most able bodied folks avoid the parking spaces with the cart in it, but I go out of my way to find those. I can lift the sleeping baby into a cart if there’s one handy, but there’s no way to get the baby in the carseat all the way up to the store. In fact more than once I parked very excitedly in such a space only to have an over-eager employee of the store snatch it away. If there is a cart and I get the baby in it I have to finagle the hood to make a peep hole so I can see where I’m going so it’s not exactly ideal even then. It’s great to have the support of the cart and a place to put the baby bag carseat or no. At this point I use the Snugli carrier to grocery shop with Riley. She’s still little enough to face me (not for much longer) and I can even nurse her in it if I need to.

There’s a bit of dancing around to unload the cart at the checkout without whacking Riley in the head and for some reason (and I know I’m not the only one) I ALWAYS refuse help out to the car. I load the baby and then the food and leave the cart carefully next to my handicapped space if possible. I’m sure nothing about getting home with a baby and a car full of groceries is unique to a disabled parent so Happy Shopping everyone.

Quantum Physics

There's this therory from quantum physics that states the very act of observing changes the experiment. They call it bending the wave. Babies are like that. If Riley's doing something adorable and I pick up the camera everything changes.

Riley Rolls!

I especially love the moment where she notices the camera!

Funny Omission

We've been having ongoing budget talks because we want to move soon. Mike made up an excel spreadsheet and outlined all the expenses. He listed adult and children's expenses like medical and clothing separately. Great, only one problem he neglected to add a line for diapers!

I don't know about you but that makes me think he hasn't been changing enough of them. There certainly is no diaper fairy magically restocking the diaper supply.

So, sorry Riley but potty training begins immediately as diapers are no longer in the budget (:

It's The First Thing To Go

Oh the memory. Pregnancy brain is no myth and no matter how excellent memory was before conception. But after the baby...(I'm shaking my head as I type thinking about it). It has to be the lack of sleep mixed with varying hormone levels.

It can be really embarrassing. For example I forget whether I asked a question out loud or only thought it. I forget the words for things. Recently I even locked my keys in my car twice in two weeks. I've only ever locked my keys in the car once in 4years up until now. Also, I just typed out the previous sentence without the final word it read "in 4 years up until." (Shaking head some more). Most days I have a lot of trouble with whether I put on deodorant or not. Sometimes I lose things and find them in weird places. My sunglasses are almost never where I think I left them and once I found my cell phone in the mailbox.

It's especially annoying because I've always had a great memory and losing things makes me nuts. But in typical mommy fashion I always remember to bundle the baby up when it's cold even if I forget my coat and to restock the diaper bag. (I just noticed I ended that sentence with a coma, geez). It's almost like the fatigue leaves me just enough energy to focus on one of us and Riley wins.

Photos by Rebecca Brittain

If you click view all images you see them one at a time with captions. All these photos were taken by a wonderful local photographer who also did my maternity photos. Isn't Riley amazingly beautiful?

Struck Out Looking For a Pump

Yup, I went to two Targets on this cold cold night and niether of them had the one I wanted. I considered going to a third, but Riley decided she would poop and be hungry just then. Grrrr.... More on this adventure and pumping in general soon...

Long Legs

So, today Riley decided as she often does that she was hungry as soon as my lunch was in front of me. I set my beautifully prepared BLT, thank you Mike, next to me on the couch and proceeded to situate her. I didn't give her ever expanding limbs, also thank you Mike, enough credit. So, I heard a noise and looked over as she kicked my lunch off of the couch onto the floor. The best part was that when I looked back at Riley she was laughing! What a sticker.

Not Just the Boys...

I babysat a ton growing up so I came to parenthood with a diaper changing strategy. I always put the new unfolded daiper under the butt before I unfasten the old one, just in case. Even when you get prepared, sometimes ninja like reflexes are required.

On one occasion while Riley was still in the hospital we had back to back diaper changes where daddy got peed on one day and a poop fountain the next! You heard me, poop fountain. It was amazing, it went over the side of the crib and hit the chair several inches away as well as the floor (and poor daddy). The NICU nurses who see this kind of thing all the time were still talking (and laughing) about it the next day. Too bad we didn't video that!

My Little Communicator

Riley has always been very communicative. Not just whether she was happy or sad, she really tried to find ways to tell us what she needed. She always fusses in a certain way when she's gonna spit up and if I don't understand she'll sometimes gesture as if she's wiping her face. It's true. Just a little while ago she took an afternoon nap and when Mike went in to get her I heard him say "What have you done?" Apparently, she kicked her pants completely off. Turns out she had a very full diaper and was just getting things started for him. Clever little girl.

She loves hair and it was the first carefully and clearly articulated thing she ever said. Mike was shaking his head and she was smiling. So I let mine down and brushed her face with it and she looked at us and said "hair." Weird, I know, but that was the first word. She makes an "Ah" sound that means daddy and sometimes looks to his side of the couch when she says it. She sometimes does an M sound I'm guessing is an attempt at Mama. She has a sound for milk that's pretty close to the last syllable of the word. She also "says" Help and Now. Mike insists it's because those are two words I use a lot.

The other day there was a new one. She kept saying, "Ho". Over and over throughout the day. I joked she was doing a Santa impression or reading her Christmas socks, but it was clear that this was going to be a regular sound and it would be in my best interest to figure out what it meant. I'd have her on the changing table and she'd look up and say "Ho." It, like most of her "words", was absolutely a request. I guessed at it for two days before I realized she never said it when I was holding her only on the changing table, the crib or the swing. She was asking me to hold her! "Ho" for hold what a smart girl.

Riley Laughing At Mommy

If you're a new mother, please remember to pass your camera to someone else now and then. You'll be rewarded with things like this:

Tired Daddy=Comedy

One night I asked Mike at the 4am feeding if he would put the dirty diaper in the Diaper Genie and the dirty onesie in the hamper. When I got up at 7am to feed the baby I discovered the onesie in the Diaper Genie! Oops.

Coupons, Showers and Other Changes

So, I've always been pretty "financially aware", but since Riley's arrival I have been obsessed with coupons. She's not super expensive or anything. Because of the breast feeding and all the great clothes and linens we were given, diapers are about the only regular expense. But, I find myself going out of my way to use a good coupon. Once I went to Walgreens the day a diaper coupon was going to expire when I didn't need them because it was $2 off. Well, I always need diapers. There's only been one trip to the store when I didn't have a coupon for them and I felt incredibly sad. Is it an extension of the primal gather function woman are supposed to have? Or a nesting thing having to do as much stuff as possible for the baby? Who knows...

So along with buying things without coupons the daily shower is a mythical event from my past. I now get about...well less than that. Sometimes I decide to bathe Riley so I can get in with her. A lot of times if I have a few minutes and I have to choose between sleeping and showering that's always tough and no matter what I choose I always wish I done the other.

Another change is I no longer receive gifts for me, I get gifts to help me raise a baby. Somehow I think this one is an age thing. I got stuff for the kitchen for Christmas and this afternoon Mike bought me a Stoneware crockpot, which I'm thrilled about! I really do love all of it, but when I was younger and single I certainly didn't receive kitchenware, linens or baby clothes. Especially baby clothes. There's a good example of the difference between age and maturity (which I observe often living with 2 boys) I get these things as gifts because I'm older, but I love getting them because I'm more mature than I used to be. I'm at least in a different phase of life, but maybe that's what maturity is.

It's good to have less showers, me time, presents for myself, attention, and more demands on my time because she's totally worth it!!

That's What She Laughs At!?!?

I Survived Pregnancy, Now What?!?

I read every book, website, magazine, blog and talked to every mother I knew about pregnancy. And then the baby came, before I'd gotten to that chapter in "What to Expect" I might add. At that point my questions multiplied and my time to read diminished. Not just time, but willingness. The truth is I learned early on that EVERYTHING you hear about babies is out of context.

I had this mistaken impression that everything would be a steady progression (thank you, NICU). I thought she'd go from eating every 3hours to every 4hours, from sleeping in 3hour chucks to all night and so on. It all depends on whether it's a growth spurt, the temperature, whether she's sick, how much running around or napping she's done, etc.

Also, everybody learns to be a parent by trial and error. So throw out the books. Well, keep one to reference for medical issues, but toss the rest. If the baby is peeing and pooping she's getting enough to eat, if she's not fussy then she's not hurt or sick enough to see the doctor and no one dies if her socks don't match her outfit.