Give Me A Break, Lady.

Riley and I were stuck inside while it rained yesterday for most of the day. The house was messy, I was hurting and there had been more bad news about my car. We needed to get out.

I called my mom and it was Grandma to the rescue! Riley was running through the house yelling "Gam-ma Com-min'" and laughing. She allowed me to dress her and do her hair without protest. We were both ready for bye-bye, big time. Grandma needed to go to Kohl's, Radio Shack and to return something at Target. I wanted to go to the real live bookstore. So, off we went in varying degrees of rain

At Kohl's we found Riley the most adorable dinosaur rug on clearance. It's a yellow and orange stegosaurus. She cried when she thought we were leaving him behind. I'm going to use it for the kid's area of the family room. I might get a few more they're so cute. Riley also scored a Little People camping play set courtesy of Grandma. It's adorable and all the little pieces store inside the tent so she played with it/carried it through all the other stores. Mommy also got Riley a much need package of panties, she wears them full time now.

Kohl's was a little rough because Riley was so wound up at finally being out. At one point Riley threw herself to the floor in the toy aisle, but we got through it quickly and moved on. After Kohl's we stopped at Target. While Grandma returned something Riley and I went to the ladies room. Riley sat right down on the princess potty and peed which was a miracle considering the monsoon we had just braved without an umbrella. It was enough to make me worry about my bladder control. In typical fashion I had 4 changes of shorts, but no shirt in the baby bag so she was stuck in her wet dress.

By the time we got to the 3rd store Riley was fussing. We sat in the car while Grandma ran in, but when she came out Riley was demanding "home! home!". We reassured her one more quick stop. I am an idiot. I ran to get my books and asked Grandma to walk around with her. We left the baby bag in the car. I am so embarrassed to tell you, but guess why Riley wanted to go home?

That's right she needed to use the potty again. Only the book store was so overwhelming to the senses she got distracted. I was obliviously searching the tiny wedding section for the two DIY Bride books I came for. Turns out they would have to order them for 3x what I could get them for on Amazon, no thanks. I grabbed my third and fourth choice and when I turned around Grandma was mouthing "We have to go". "I'm ready. Oh, does she need to go potty? Do you have the bag?". Again she mouths quietly "too late". Crap. She had peed on the rug like a puppy. They deserve baby pee on their rug anyway, jerks.

We race to the register where the ugliest most oblivious woman I have ever seen takes her sweet time to ring up my two books. Everyone else in line notices my unhappy toddler, but not her:
"Do you have a rewards card?"
"Yeah, but I was in a hurry so I left my keys in the car. It's ok"
"It wouldn't be on a key chain. It's a card."
"Oh, right. Maybe I have it. (I check)No, it's ok."
"I can look it up for you."
"That's ok. I remember it expired." "Just let me try your phone number"
At this point I'm screaming at her in my head "Are you f-ing kidding me? Do you not hear the protests from my toddler who just relieved herself on your rug? I said not to worry about it."
"That's ok, really."
"It'll just take a second, what's the phone number"
(Can't take-a-hintville is missing one of their own) I rattle off a number and sigh loudly
"It's expired."
(what a surprise)
"Want to renew it for $25 and save $3 today?"
"No thanks, not today."
"Are you sure."
"Yes."
I finally pay at which point she passes the bag over the counter saying "The handle broke on the bag."
Why in the world should the girl on crutches with the toddler have to ask for a new bag? Why would you assume that was ok? Come on!

It was a day.

Real World Vs Cyperspace

Nerdiness aside I spend a lot of time on the computer. I spent a LONG time after the spinal fusion not able to leave the house. I got better by inches but my tolerance for being out very long is about on par with my toddler's. If I over do it I pay in either case. So, I got used to a pretty self-contained universe. As social as I am by nature, I adjusted by finding an online family of mommies to chat with. When Christmas came last year I did all my shopping on Ebay or Amazon. I started watching streaming movies. And recording my life in blog format.

Even with the tolerance of an almost two year old, I have begun venturing out again. Trips to the store, the mall or a restaurant. Non-doctor's appointment outings, finally. Better still in the last two weeks I have started to venture out for short trips without Riley. It's a whole new world all the sudden. A few times I have run an errand with Riley, she fell asleep in the car and I dropped her at home. She slumbered peacefully while Daddy worked and Mommy got to have lunch or something.

I'm just remembering the gratification of going into a store picking something out and bringing it home. For a long time I would have thought I need a dress for X and I would serve the web and order one without it ever crossing my mind to go in person. Today, I went for a pedicure near by while Riley slept and as I left the mall a dress caught my eye and then a bracelet, etc. I didn't buy anything by just to be inside an actual structure looking at real objects was gratifying. I miss watching movies in the theater with an audience (without kids running by or climbing on me).

I'm even reconnecting with some of my friends without kids, lately. Finding time to chat on the phone or even make plans to go places. It's incredible. I took a lot of freedom for granted when I was single. I'm just regaining small pieces of my shattered social life here and there. It's good to give Mike practice getting the kids dressed and out the door or bathed and in bed. Also 2yrs of two kids and no breaks fried some of my circuits.

In the outside world there is face to face interaction instead of instant message and email where inflections can be entirely miscommunicated. There are tactile and tangible experiences. There is instant gratification. It has it's pitfalls too, but having a baby you stay home with is like being institutionalized. I was used to a routine of snacks, naps, play times and meals, but I forgot there's a whole world of people who aren't. People who move freely and at will without worrying about getting home for naps. For an hour here and there I get to go out without worrying about someone else's needs.

Here's to baby steps out into the real world...

All That Is Unsaid

It seems my sense of humor has been reading a little dark and depressed lately. I am very happy to be settled in the new house and estatic to be planning my wedding. I am thrilled at the forward movement of my writing career regardless of the recent lost opportunity. I am quite pleased at the level of recovery I've reached at this point, although healing NEVER happens fast enough. Eight hours to put the rod in the spine and two years to "regain original level of functionality." I am over the moon at Riley's verbal communication and potty usage.

My house is full of scenes like this:

That's Isaac in the bug costume he made at Science Camp. As usual Riley is looking on in awe.

Or these:

Yup, that's Riley building with Isaac's Construx

It was a Saturday afternoon when this gleeful raiding of her brother's toys took place. Where was Isaac? You'd never guess.

You're seeing correctly, that's Isaac playing with Riley's toys by himself.

Hee, hee. Busted.

The joy and silliness often spills out into the backyard, when it's not too hot.

Close up on Isaac McSpeedy Pants.

Waving hi from her favorite place on earth. Swing!!

So, dear readers take my sarcasm in the spirit it was intended and know that for every frustrated rant I publish I live a hundred joyful moments that I keep just for me. Excuse me while I go tickle a toddler.

Random Things

When the edits take longer than the original post took to write, hit delete.

Isaac had a splinter or something and it got infected. He has been terrified and obsessed with the little bump ever since. He was examining it the other night on the couch and Mike was sitting next to him.
Isaac staring at the bottom of his foot. Mike and I are talking
Suddenly Isaac's foot shoots acroos the couch narrowly missing Mike's nose.
"Dad! Look at my 'puss."
Mike and I stare at him slack jawed.
"You know that stuff that comes out of my foot!" Impaitiently shaking his foot in front of Mike's face. "my 'puss!"
Holding back laughter, Mike then corrects him, "the word you mean is "pus".

Today my mom and I took the kids to the library. I instructed Isaac to tie his shoe before he got out. While he was doing that my mom unloaded the chair, unbuckled the baby and we were situating her on my lap.
Suddenly, loudly
"I always have big nuts!"
Laughing "what?"
"In my laces." clearly irritated
"oh, knots."
"yeah."

Am I the only one who feels like a middle-aged fat smoker spiriting after the ice cream truck when I'm following the hostess to a table at a resturant? Why do they walk so fast? Just once I'd like to look composed when I sit to eat rather than like a heavily breathing weirdo.

I asked Isaac to pick up some goldfish crackers that spilled on the rug. He went over, knelt down and starting gathering them. Once he had a pile he looked up scanning the room for something. I tossed him the snack cup they had spilled out of.
He catches it. "oh."
"what's the matter?"
"Are these going in the trash?"
"yes"
"Then why don't we use a dustpan"
"Because the snack cup was right there and needs to go to the kitchen anyway."
"But we could have used a dustpan"
"yes"
He now takes the snack cup full of goldfish and shakes some out to sweep up
"Isaac! don't dump them out. They were already picked up."
"oh, but..(he starts picking them back up)"
"I'll give you something to sweep tomorrow. It's bed time any way."
"Yeah, because I'm...I'm a sweeper!"
"Give me a break and do this one thing the easy way please."
"ok, but I'm an inconvenient problem solver."
Yes, yes he is. As inconvenient as they come.

Am I the only who gets confused when people say they're going to take a _____ break? Like coffee break generally means break to drink coffee, but could mean break from drinking coffee like while pregnant. Sex break, break from something else to have sex or break from having sex? Dramatic difference.

Have a Little Faith

Riley wet the bed after nap yesterday even though we took the rail off. I didn't notice right away, either. I got her fed, bathed and took her to get "me-mes" and then surprise! I was beside myself. I tried to breath deeply, but when Mike came in I explained the situation and excused myself. I went to the bathroom and cried.

Before you condemn me as a horrible mother with ridiculous standards for my not quite 2yr old you need to understand how painful potty training has been for me. Scrubbing floors, changing sheets, kneeling to remove wet underwear, lifting a toddler on and off the toilet or up to the sink. God help me. I am dying. I know it's temporary. I've tried waiting for help, but when there's a nap time accident and the mattress and linens aren't clean by bed time it is very stressful on everyone.

In my perspective I have no choice, but to kill myself and get it done. At least the part of it I can do any given day so that when Mike finishes his work day he can to the last of it and we can get her to bed. Thank for title floors and anti inflammatories. I think I've experienced all the back pain of changing diapers in a much shorter time span since potty training.

She's a good girl and she's so ready to be 100%. Once the bed rail had been off 24hrs she woke up dry and used the potty right away. I'm so glad. I praised her dry bed almost as much as I wept over the wet one last night. Now if I can get her to pull down her underwear before she sits on the potty every time we'll be golden. She tends to forget she's wearing them every third time lately. The only way to teach her is to let her have accidents and self correct. It's just so painful.

The end justifies the screams of pain. It will end. We're so close.

The Manic Moments

On rare occasions I can spend a full 20-30minutes doing something without being interrupted. Riley has discovered truly playing pretend with her toys. As long as I'm perched in my little corner keeping an eye on things and interjecting the occasional comment Riley’s independent for a bit. Yesterday, she was plying "boo boo." She plays this game with me a lot. She pretends to pinch her finger of bump her head and announces her fake injury so that I can react in melodramatic fashion and make her laugh. Yesterday it was different: she announced her fake boo boo and then picked up her stuffed hedgehog and made him pretend to kiss it. It was amazingly adorable. I said "Oh, what a nice friend to kiss your boo boo." Riley proceeded to thank him for being a nice friend and then bake him a pretend cake.

After that episode she reverted to some former stage of development and climbed into my lap and refused to get down. It was at least 45min of attempts to distract her before she scampered off. I thought it was odd for her to be so independent and then so clingy, but that's a toddlers purgative.

She built a tower from blocks, knocked them down and then cleaned them all up. She even put the lid back on the container. After that baby giraffe and Hedgie shared some cake it was time for both of then JUMP! JUMP! Jumping in Riley's recliner. It was funny. She made every stuffed animal and dolly in the living room use the potty at least once before it was her turn too.

After that as I was making my way to the bathroom (or course) she latched on to my leg. I managed to pry her loose, but she followed me in and as soon as I was seated climbed into my lap. When I explained that I was ready to get off the potty she cried for me to carry her. It's been months and several pounds since I could carry her even a few steps. We do a lot of hand holding and walking with backpack or lap sitting. She would not let me stand without her in my arms. When I set her down she followed me to the couch crying.

When that clingy spell passed she had rediscovered her little people airport runway. She was vrooming an invisible car around the road and over the bridge. It was going well until she stopped for gas and couldn't get the pump back in the little hole. I interceded and gave her a little people truck to use. She immediately filled it with gas and started vrooming again. I think her car obsessed buddy at daycare taught her that. I hope he teaches her to change a tire and check her oil too.

Anyway, it went that way all day long. Happy independently playing little girl periods followed by clingy grumpy periods of equal or greater length. Maybe she's just testing that if she plays by herself for a while she can still come cuddle Mommy. I hope it gets less manic in the future. That kind of flip flopping really gets to you. I started wondering “which one are you” every time she approached.

Mommy Meltdown

So help me, if I have to clean anymore bodily fluids this week I'm going to hurt someone. If everyone would just pee in the potty and sleep in their beds from now on we'd have a good start.

No more accidents or puking until the youngest of you is old enough to clean up after the other one, thanks. My back, my nose and my spirit can't take much more of this. It's just so icky. I love you both, but enough is enough already.

Honestly, Isaac's been doing 100% better since the last incident (knock on wood) and Riley's bedwetting episodes are all that remain of the accident-a-thon we started with. Truthfully, most of the small handful of times she peed the bed it was an access issue. I think we're about ready to lose the bed rail. I think the risk of her falling the short distance to the floor is worth no more mattress scrubbing (the waterproof pad keep ending up too low on the bed) and linen washing.

The glamorous side of motherhood goes on and on...

Naps

When Riley was little she took two two hour naps a day. Sometime after her first birthday she went to one two hour nap a day. Lately, she more apt to either pass the two hour mark or spring up at exactly an hour. It's a variable amount of time. Midday it'll be quiet and I'll have an opportunity to write or clean up in peace.

After my back surgery I always slept when Riley did, but these days I write or lay down and watch TV. I feel horrible guilt when I hear the pitter patter of Riley coming down the hall and I haven't accomplished something.

This week had been rough for me. I have had a lot of pain and fatigue. Mike ended up having to go into the office today, so atypically I asked from help. My mom came and helped with Riley and laundry. It wasn't a day off, but it was a lot less stressful. I suddenly realized as Riley was finishing her lunch that there was no reason to be upright. Riley was happy and eating and Grandma was on stand by to put her down for nap. So, I went to bed.

I climbed into my bed and thought briefly about turning on a wedding show. I decided against it and drifted to sleep listening to my mom reading Riley her naptime story. When I woke up very disoriented I realized it must be late in the afternoon, 2:45pm. I stayed still in bed listening like some forest creature in the brush. I heard no movement and wondered if Riley had woken up and gone somewhere with my mom. It turned out about inspection Miss Roo was still very much asleep.

I stumbled out to the living room where I was informed of my mom's trip to Wal-Mart and quiet browsing the net time. I didn't even feel guilty shortly after when I heard the pitter patter of tiny feet coming down the hall.

The Age Difference

I had absolutely no control of the age difference between my children. I didn't give birth to the first one. I was in another state finishing the first semester of my junior year of college when he made his debut. When Mike and I started dating he had a chubby faced toddler and neither of us was really wanted to have babies.

After moving in I felt really saddened by Isaac's lack of a live in playmate. It just seemed wrong to open Christmas presents and play with them alone. It just wouldn't do. Thanks to my biological clock and some less than predictable timing I gave Isaac a sibling two months before his 7th birthday.

In the beginning it was ridiculously hard. I had a baby in the NICU and no energy to spare for anything or anyone else. After she came home I had a newborn breast feeding every two hours on top of housework. Getting Isaac to and from school always upset the apple cart. Trying to get through his homework while anchored to the couch with Riley on my chest got dramatic a few times. When I had my back surgery Riley started to crawl and that changed her relationship with her brother forever. Suddenly she was mobile and that made her fun.

They have an incredibly typical sibling relationship. They laugh and play and push each others buttons. What's hard now in these walking, talking days is when they parallel each other. For example more than once Riley has been hard core teething and Isaac's teeth have been falling out. Sometimes I swear they've circulated memos in advance and are ganging up on me by both having a problem in the exact same moment. Even worse, Isaac hit the late bed wetting stage just as Riley was beginning to potty train.

They have been good for each other in so many ways. They keep each other entertained. She gives him confidence because he can do things for her. She's teaching him to pick up his toys (no kidding). It's good for my poor socially awkward boy to have someone to interact with most of the time. Practice, practice, practice. He's teaching her to build things. She's getting very good with Legos. There are also daily lessons in sharing and how to respect the property of others on both sides.

Sometimes I wish they were closer in age so they could experience things together instead of a shade under a decade apart. Having such a big gap often reminds me how much of Isaac's life I missed. Almost five years without a mother in your life is a long time. I'm grateful for the understanding of those years that having Riley has given me. I'm also sad that my relationship with him, however loving and maternal will never be the same as my relationship with Riley. I'm also glad beyond words that I only had one pregnancy and I have two kids. It's a good deal.

In the end I think he'll always take care of her because he's so much older. She'll always look up to her big brother and they'll both remember having a sibling fondly. I know Mike and I do.

Out And About in Underpants

Oh, yeah Riley fans, underpants! My sweet girl got up and pottied this morning and then I put her in a little red dress and Minnie Mouse undies (at her insistance). She did well all morning at home, going on the potty and keeping those undies dry. When Grandma came over to go shopping I crammed the baby bag full of pull-ups and spare clothes. I also said a prayer or two.

We all took turns on the potty before we left, including little bit, so I was unconcerned about the car ride. We stopped at the bank and of course Grandma gave Riley a lollipop. When we pulled up to this very nice boutique Riley was still working on that lollipop. I tried to wrestle it away, but decided it wasn't worth the back torquing and ear splitting protests.

I prayed another prayer for dry undies through the very nice store as I rolled down the front walk. The store is in an old building with stairs and no ramp. I'm thinking "oh, geez. Nice first impression sweating and grunting up the stairs with a toddler holding a lollipop. We'll be lucky if they don't lock the door." After we started trying to get ourselves and the wheelchair up the steps the manager came out and lent a hand. She was very pleasant and welcoming.

Miss Roo sat quietly on my lap while we browsed mother of the bride dresses. She pointed and commented, but never touched. When we moved on to looking at bridesmaids’ dresses she finally finished her lollipop. She sweetly handed me her stick and said "trash." After I threw it away she held out her hands and said "eww, kicky (sticky)." Once she was wiped down to her satisfaction I sent her to the ladies room with Grandma and the travel potty.

When they returned I was pouring over swatches. Miss Roo had compliantly sat on, but not used the big potty. Shortly after we left Riley announced "pee-pee" from her carseat. We were about 20ish blocks from Grandma's house so we told her to hang on and went as fast as we could to Grandma's potty. It was not the first time I wished the car had a baby's crying/needs to potty indicator light.

Riley went on Grandma's potty like a champ and then promptly fell asleep in the car. It was perfect timing because we left her napping with Mike and went to lunch by ourselves! It was lovely. After nap she woke up and used the potty and then insisted on putting her undies back on. Usually she prefers nothing on at home when we're by ourselves, but she came to me every time she needed help getting them on and off. No accidents or pull-ups all day. Riley, Riley rock star!!

Answering Opportunity's Knock

I've been really trying to "move on with my life." To actively get beyond who I was when I was single, what life was pre-Riley and what I wanted for my life pre-spinal fusion surgery. It's a lot to let go of. I am trying so hard not to get mired down in thoughts like "if you could have known me before." I was gaining a lot of momentum recently, too.

Here I was: all settled into the new house, feeling more human and making plans again. I was making real plans without the word someday in them. Best of all I felt like I had a purpose, even a career path again. There was a real honest to goodness professional writing offer on the table. I was abuzz with excitement.

I budgeted another day of daycare to give myself time to write. After all that would mean writing my two blogs and articles for the magazine. It's hard to write with the constant interruption of a toddler in your lap. On the other hand she is my muse and any more time apart might hurt my budding career (not to mention make me sad).

This progressed and I got more and more excited. It was an important first step in being taken seriously. The contract finally came last week. I read and re-read it until my head was spinning. I felt hesitant to sign my writing over to someone else forever, but what did I know? As an actor my performance was the product, it's totally different than a tangible piece of writing.

Mike said it sounded like I was "selling my soul." I began to panic. What if this person really did have malicious intent to publish works with my writing and collect the royalties themselves? I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. On the other hand maybe this is standard practice and it just sounds scary and awful to me because of inexperience.

I asked around to writers I knew and was advised to "keep as much of my rights as possible." Mike continued to encourage me to pass and wait for a better deal. I emailed the publisher asking if the terms could be altered slightly. I didn't come back to my email until last night.

There were two significant messages one from a writer friend and one from the publisher. I was so hoping the publisher's email would contain some professional reassurance that she'd take care of me and I had nothing to worry about. Instead I got this:
Those are standard terms which I do not negotiate with individual bloggers. I would like to point out that this condition was fully disclosed in my invitation email to you from May. It is very regretful that you did not take time to read it then. It would have saved both of us much time and effort. Oh, well. If that's how she handles things I probably didn't want to work with her any way. Right? I really don't know. It’s not uncommon for business types to have a hard time dealing with us creative types.

After I wrote a brief reply and wished her luck I opened the other email. My writer friend confirmed that the contract was completely standard. Well, now I felt completely overwhelmed by what has just occurred. I've killed my career before it started.

I calm myself and remember this was just the first of my writing opportunities. It'll be okay, won't it? After all he was always paid for his articles before someone else gained rights to his material forever and I was only being offered ad share. Maybe article writing for a different publication or better yet pursuing my book again is the way to go now. I feel like a once glorious ice cream cone melted on the sidewalk. Melted and stepped in.

Potties and Power Outages

During a rather dramatic visit to the craft store Riley used her first public toilet. We went to Joann's armed with extra pull-ups and the travel potty. It was anyone's guess how running errands would go potty-wise. We left right after Riley used the potty as usual. We were browsing the aisles when, very suddenly, the power went out.

There was minimal lighting and no air conditioning and a big crowd of disorientated shoppers. We were slowly working our way to the front of the store when Riley got squirmy and announced "pee-pee!". I asked her and she confirmed she needed a potty. So, Mike continued to the front of the store while Riley and I braved the very dark regions of the rear of the store to find a potty. The lights were on in the ladies room, thank goodness.

I unfolded the pink princess travel potty which happened to perfectly match the pink princess pull-up Riley had on and situated it. The princesses were dry so I pulled them down and put Riley on the big potty. She was amazed. "Big!" she kept saying with a broad grin. She was perched happily and securely so I peed next door. As soon as I stood up to rush back I heard the sound of success! She did it. She was so pleased with her throne she refused to get down for a minute afterward.

Having succeeded she flushed, which was also amazing. We were just washing our hands in the big sink when employees of the store came rapping at the door. They were instructed to escort us out of the store. Mike was waiting for us up front where we gave up on our purchases and decided to go to Best Buy.

Riley got an Elmo's Potty Time DVD and a peppermint as reward for her potty success and all in all it didn't feel like such a wasted trip.

No More Monkeys

Babies are wonderful. They're soft and warm and new. Amazing little bundles with endless potential. I'm so grateful that I got to have one. I mean to grow one in my belly because whatever it cost me physically it was a beautiful experience.

After Riley was born I had 13 wonderful months of breastfeeding intimacy. The bond didn't melt away when I weaned her, but it was my first real lesson in how my relationship with her is always growing and changing. I have begun to try and break the habit of calling her baby. I have to consciously remind myself to say little girl now, because she is.

In all this time of me recovering and her growing I have been wistfully longing in the secret, irrational part of my heart for one more. I know very well that another pregnancy would quite literally kill me. I went into my pregnancy with my eyes wide open and a consent form for my tubal ligation in my fist.

I just kept waiting for the hormones and primitive drive to die down. In every quiet moment, in every one of Riley's smiles or every glance at a maternity photo I wished for another baby. I wished heartfelt congratulations to friends when they got pregnant again and then quietly cried. My body was not built for babies and no one rewired my brain to match. I am lucky to have two kids at home and someone to raise them with.

All this time I've been waiting for the secret sadness in those odd moments to finally fade away. Two years I've waited and writing this I am gripped with strong emotions even still. I don't want to cry anymore, though. I finally let out a long sigh of relief. Infancy is behind us and I am so happy for what I have. I do not want another baby.

Am I at peace with my body? Not entirely. Have I given up hope of adopting someday? Not on your life. Will I still get emotional when other people see two lines? Uh-huh. It's not all or nothing, but I've crossed the threshold of acceptance. I have two kids who can communicate verbally and use the toilet, things are good.

Visions of the Future

The other day when I dropped off Isaac at camp my car stalled and died in the parking lot. I unloaded Riley, strapped on her backpack, and walked Isaac inside. Then I walked Riley back to the car and called Mike. My first call went to voice mail. He called me back without listening to the message. We got home ok, but today he read the message as transcribed by Google voice:
"Hi Dad, this is Riley. My car died in ____ parking lot. Riley and I are stuck."

We were laughing about how one day it will be Riley calling with hopefully minor and rare car trouble. It's something I can easily imagine. Riley and her dad have such a great relationship. Riley woke up cranky from her nap today and in her stomping about she knocked over my music box which had a piece of her Dora car in it. It adapts from baby to toddler and this was a foot petal we took off awhile back. She informed me it was broken. I told her it was supposed to come off, but she was really upset. I asked Mike to help explain so he retrieved the Dora car from the yard to show her. After explaining that part was for babies and she was a big girl, she was not satisfied. He proceeded to get his screwdriver and reattach it explaining every step of the process to his captive audience. In the end she was appeased and very excited. I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful person to co-parent with.

I've been planning a wedding and I keep thinking that one day I'll do this with Riley. Michael will walk her down the aisle aglow with pride and holding back tears. He'll lift her veil and kiss her sweetly and she'll thank her for a lifetime of being an amazing dad with her broad smile. Later they'll dance to Take Good Care of My Baby while cameras flash. Yes, I know I shouldn't decide their song before kindergarten, but I see it so clearly.

She's going to be a beautiful bride someday. She'll shine like the sun. The more I thought about Riley growing up and having such a great relationship with her Dad the more I wanted to watch Father of the Bride. I cried like a baby. I no longer laughed at the reactions of the parents without context or emotion. Now I felt every joyful, sad emotion of letting your baby go start her own family.

I'm so glad we have 9 and 17 years respectively until these chicks leave the next. They're going to do amazing things. I just hope they marry people who know how wonderful they are.

There Are No Straight Lines

When Riley had an accident on Tuesday it had been weeks since I'd changed a poopy diaper. In fact there hadn't been any accidents at all for days. The next day she won't go potty before nap and soon a

When Riley had an accident on Tuesday it had been weeks since I'd changed a poopy diaper. In fact there hadn't been any accidents at all, for days. The next day she wouldn't go potty before nap and soon after laying down she had an accident. She was trying to climb off the bed and onto her little blue potty, but she wet the end of the bed. She felt horrible.

It was a strange day she didn't have anymore accidents, but she was super reluctant to go sit on any of the potties. We seemed to be doing well yesterday, she even stopped playing with company over and peed on her potty. I was super impressed. So, much so that when I took a solo trip to Target last night to get Mike's father's day present I picked up a "good job using the potty" gift for Riley.

It was an Airel bath doll. She comes with a green bath crayon. The crayon was a huge deal. Riley was amazed that I was encouraging her to write on the tub. She wrote the letter E and drew a crescent moon and identified both. She gets all her artistic ability from her Daddy. I made a big deal about how big girls who do a good job on the potty get treats. By the way Riley says mermaid so cute.

Today was off to a great start until Riley found the nursing pad we were pretending was a diaper for her stuffed animals yesterday held it to herself and peed all over my couch. Sigh...I probably should have gotten rid of that last night or at least not actively encouraged pretending it was a diaper. After that game went too far she did great until nap time. She went right before nap, but she took a long one and woke up with a full bladder. I was napping in another room when I heard her yelling. Poor girl just wasn't awake enough to get to the potty.

She was distraught for 10min off and on. I told her it was ok and hugged her but she was beside herself. She went and found Mike and he reassured her too, but nothing helped. She wept like she had committed some unforgivable crime. Poor girl. After a while she calmed down but every time she'd notice her stripped bed she'd howl anew.

In the end I distracted her by giving her a pile of pennies and her piggy bank. She was squealing with excitement and yelling "money!". She'd pick up a penny, laugh and say "one." After she'd deposited that she'd "count " the next coin. "One" she'd say no matter what number I told her it was. She had me turning my pockets inside out, searching the couch and even the car cup holders for change. I have a feeling it won't be long before she has more in that pig than I have in my bank account.

More Potty Talk

Yesterday, Mike was sick so I packed the kids into the car in the morning to flee from the threat of re-injection with that horrific stomach bug. It's a total bummer to have to bring Riley to drop Isaac off at summer camp because I have to walk him all the way to the classroom and sign him in. We parked and I got Riley's backpack on. I was worried because we hadn't used it in a while, but she smiled broadly and handed Mommy the lead. I used one crutch so we could hold hands through the parking lot.

We got Isaac dropped off without incident, but I was worried about Riley's potty status and my car was acting funny so I invaded Boo's house. We have an open invitation and she's usually happy to have another pair of hands. I told Riley we'd go see Boo we she missed on Monday because we keep her home for more potty practice. I told her we would go use Boo’s puppy potty, but I went on auto pilot setting down the baby bag and refilling her cup first. Duh, potty first. Anyway, after that first little accident she used the potty all day. She kept her pull-up bone dry.

I would just decide it had been awhile and walk her to the bathroom and shut the door and she'd do her thing. Big girl. After nap time I started to worry that she hadn't pooped, yet. Always, listen to your gut (especially when potty training!). I wanted to take her back to the potty after snack, but I didn't and that's when we lost that pull-up. Honestly, it was bizarre to be changing a poopy diaper again after all this time. I won't miss it when it's gone forever. All in all she used the potty more than half the time at someone else's house, A+ and 100% improvement from last time.

The trick is to let them build up as much momentum and confidence at home as possible before you try to get them to go on strange potties. We had more than a week of no accidents or diapers before we tried to go at Boo's it made a huge difference. Riley doesn't even wear them to sleep anymore. We put a second potty by her bed and she's done great. She really wants to be done with diapers as much as I do. She looks so grown up in real panties (that she keeps dry all day).

We're so proud of her. It won't be long now...

Mommy's Turn

Riley is Mommy's little helper. Not "mommy's little helper", but actually helpful. When I drop something she picks it up for Mommy. The other day I was struggling to get dressed (stupid fused spine). I figured I would see if Riley could lend a hand. I had one foot in a pair of underwear and was trying to hold the waistband out and contort my body enough to get my foot in the other hole.

I asked Riley to help. She ran over saying "help!" examined the situation and waited for instruction. I held the waistband out and said "hold this, please." Riley stares blankly. "Mommy needs to put her foot in, hold this." Riley lifts her foot to put it in the leg hole. Clearly confused, she sweetly complied with what she thought I wanted.

I laughed for a minute and then raised my foot to show her that Mommy wanted to put her foot in. Riley was near enough that I could reach her hand so I grabbed her hand and put in on the waistband and said "hold on." "Hold it!" she confirmed. I put my foot in and then clearly pleased with me she said "pull up!" She even assisted me in pulling them up part way like Mommy does for her.

Sometimes you dress the toddler, sometimes the toddler dresses you...

Animal Lessons

I was trying to write when Riley climbed up into my lap the other day. The closest thing that came to hand to entertain her were small wooden blocks with animals on them. It went like this:
Hi, Riley.
Hi!
Don't touch Momma's mouse, please.
Touch. (she points in the direction of the mouse) Mamma's.
You got it.
(She grabs the mouse again) Hey, Riley what animal is this? (handing her a block) Goggy! Woof.
Good, what about this one?
Niegh! Niegh!
Right, it's a horsey. You know this one too.
Cow. Moo!
Very good, how about this?
Rion (Lion) Rar!
Wow, you got it. This one is tricky.
Dol-fan. Blub, blub!
Yes! I'm impressed. There's only one more.
(she looks at it for a second, it's a Zebra) Butt!
(thinking I misheard) What is it?
(quite insistant) Butt!
Sigh, well he does have one, but that's a zebra.
No! Butt.
I wish I had a theory for where she made that connection, but I'm at a loss.

Two Years Late

My lovely sister-in-law made me a shadow box for my baby shower. I insisted on revealing the gender at the shower for suspense and to increase the number of practical gifts. She used backing paper with greens and yellows. She used sparkly elephant stickers and ribbon. I was super excited when I opened it, see:

That shadow box sat the few remaining weeks of my pregnancy waiting for bed rest to end and the baby to come. It sat through Riley's weeks in the NICU. It sat though Riley's infancy and my back surgery recovery. After we moved and I got a craft corner I decided it was time to fill it up.

I used things I saved from my baby shower, her NICU days and her first month in general. Her hospital bracelet and the card from her isolet are already scrapbooked (although that's 17mos behind). Here's some close-ups:

This is the top left corner all these smallish black and white photos were on Riley's baptism invitation I made in paintshop. I ended up having surgery the day of our planned outdoor baptism, but the invitations were lovely. Also, they were against a pale blue and there was light blue ribbon in that square.

Here's the center box in the middle. I used a picture from Riley's 2nd day, she still had her feeding tube in. I call this one the "Riley-saurus" because she's got her hands up like a T-rex. It was really funny, but not helpful when you're trying to breastfeed! Stubborn little dinosaur, I tell ya!

This is the bottem left space. It has the "sunbathing" picture. After I was discharged I always went to the hospital at 7am to feed Riley and left for the night at 11pm. Mike who usually caught a nap during the day would go back to give her a bottle of pumped milk at 1am. The NICU has a lot of rules and procedures and one of them is that the baby's temperature be within a certain range before they eat. Apparently, the nurses had been complaining about the AC all day that day. When Mike took her temperature she was a degree too low so the nurse rolled out the heat lamp. Riley enjoyed it. Mike took this on his phone to show me.

Under that amazing photo is the measuring tape they used to track Riley's growth in the hospital. Underneath that is a baby hedgehog in a pumpkin. This was on my baby shower invitation. When it was folded it was just a stork carrying a pumpkin (she was due in Oct) and when you opened it the lid came off the pumpkin and a baby hedgehog bounced out. The baby in the peapod was a napkin from my shower. The dragonfly represents her original nursery theme. The little white plastic thing was the clamp from her cord and the "Riley Grey" was the pretty font I used on the baptism invite. Don't you love how her first and middle go together?

This is the bottom right corner, I call this picture "Riley Bug". She got her Daddy's long limbs and she never stayed swaddled long. She would sleep with her legs in the air or even Indian style for hours. It was so cute!

This is a picture of the whole thing before I put it in the frame. I don't have a close-up of the right corner (well, I do have one, but also computer issues). The right corner is a wooden spoon with a pink ribbon tied around it. We wanted a girl and there's an old wives’ tale that if you put a wooden spoon under your bed you'll get a girl. No idea why, I searched for the root of that and got nothing. If any knows, fill me in. We joked that if we had a girl the spoon would go in her nursery. It was all in fun, but I was sentimental about everything because I knew she was my one and only.

Here's the finished shadow box. Riley loved it. I don't think she understood that the baby in there is her, but she pointed out and named every item. I was super impressed when she said "dragunf-eye". Better late than never on this project.

Housewarmed!

The paint was dry, the boxes had been hauled away weeks ago and aside from a stack of framed photos waiting to be hung on the wall, we were ready to warm this house. I was not well the night before and my hips were sore this morning so I spent the party on wheels. Here's the be-wheeled hostess :

The weather was supposed to be dodgy, but we didn't get a drop of rain. Thank goodness, nothing spoils a BBQ and the unveiling of the new sandbox and slide like rain. I must have been having a loose connection in the brain when I planned this shindig because I made it an open house from noon to five. The problem is I have a toddler who naps from 11/12-1:30/2pm. Nice one, me. Also, when you’re cooking for people it's hard when you invite a lot people and don't ask for RSVP's. We'll be having hotdogs and hamburgers for lunch and dinner for the rest of the month!

Mike worked the grilled and often three swings at once. I'm so glad he added the extra one. Our guests all brought yummy things to go with the burgers or even yummier deserts. Even though I made it clear on the invitation with a Smurf carrying an exploding present that we didn't need anymore stuff, we even got a few thoughtful gifts. All the neighbors I invited came and most of of our friends. It was a nice day.

Most importantly the kids had a lot of fun and we are officially settled in. Here's some more great pictures.

Sucha big girl!

The party throwers.

Boys with Legos

Girls with cookies!

Boo on guitar and...

Roo on guitar!

Thanks Mom and Lara for the lovely pictures!

A Little Honest Emotion on the Subject

Please, don't be angry at me for not asking for help. It's not in my nature. I fear giving power to the pain and hopelessness by naming it. Please listen when I come to you calmly asking for a hand. That is my desperate plea. You will not see me crack until the damn breaks. It is the only time I allow that awful "weakness" its sway. I can only breath in and out and put one foot in front of the other this way.

When the bus hit me I got one single get well card and last year, when I was the most helpless I have ever been and trying to take care of a baby...It was horrible and lonely. It was an almost stranger who came most often. I saw people once or twice until I was well enough to leave. Most of my relationships remain distant. Did I ask for help? I remember it, but maybe none of them understood the horror I was desperately navigating mostly alone.

I wish I knew where I go wrong. When to stop calmly asking and start tearfully begging. I am so tired, still, always. I don't know how to fix what I so clearly had a part in breaking. I won't allow myself to EVER be as lost and alone as I was after that horrible surgery. Trapped in the house on the couch with a baby crawling around my feet for months. I wanted to "bounce back". I had no frame of reference. I had so little.

Maybe shortly after the halfway point is a good time for catharsis of all the toxic emotions I refused to accept. I still hate all the anger, frustration, fear and guilt so much. I hate that I did that to myself on purpose, to my family.

I hate the recovery process, surgical solutions, sleep deprivation, depression, severe weight loss and the pain. The pain that motivated me to make that choice. The pain that was a result of that choice. The daily pain I don't speak of in hopes that one day it won't be there.

I wish I could have gone into that spinal fusion with knowledge I now possess. I wish I could go back and not get hit by the bus. My time machine would be well worn and I'd probably blink myself out of existence.

A Different Kind of Dinner Party

It wasn't the kind where I took a long shower, did my hair and make-up and slipped into a little black dress. I did shower, however, it was with a toddler. She lined up her rubber duckies in size order and was babbling away at them. The only things I understood were "no-no!", "mama", "daddy" and "baby" for the most part. At one point the ducks were having a party and she was feeding them all cake, for sure.

After a very entertaining shower I pulled on my comfy jeans and a t-shirt. Mike was similarly attired. I didn't so much "do my hair" as brush it, which is an accomplishment when a wet almost two year old in a hooded kitty towel is circling your legs saying "meow" and tugging on you. I had planned on make-up, but I was concerned about Roo going pee-pee one more time before company came and it was diaper time.

In the end I wore no make-up and Roo was so overcome with excitement she piddled in her clothes. The guests (Boo and her Mommy), however, were not dressed in their finest, air kissing us at the door and offering over the obligatory bottle of wine. They waited, happily playing while Riley got cleaned and diapered up. We had steak for the adults and hotdogs for the kiddos. The guests brought zucchini and squash to go with dinner (so much more practical than wine). When bibs and sippy cups were distributed everyone dug in or ate off their mother's plate as the case may be.

It was paper plates instead of cloth napkins. We didn't light candles for safety reasons, but we did have some flowers Mike brought me the day before in a vase.

After 3/4 of the table was done eating everyone, but the pokey little puppy made a break for the backyard. We didn't have quiet conversation we had laughter and shrieks of excitement. When I joined them out back there were tiny people barreling down the large slide, swinging and playing the sand. It was quite a spectacle. They played with the same enthusiasm until it started to get dark.

It was then that the "adults" remembered themselves and hurried everyone to the bath or car. Stillness came, but smiles hadn't faded. There had been no dessert, just play time. Brandy and cigars in the study was replaced by bath time and bedtime stories. We had the essentials of any successful dinner party though, good food and good company.

Let the Good Times Roll.

Hedgehog Blog's STRIPE MANIA blogger round-up! Entry

Drum roll please:

It was completely surreal to have my picture taken after so long. I used to have my picture taken in one form or another all the time. Again, that was a little piece of the "before life". I'm grateful IMDB pages don't expire and the possibility still exists that I could beef up those credits someday. Hopefully, someday will arrive before I'm seeing Riley off to college.

Here's some great pictures of me and the hedgehog in our stripped shirts (although hers doesn't looked stripped unless you crop it super close, trust me it is).

I wonder where she gets her silliness from?

Swinging with my baby.
All photos by Lara Coughlin

Crafty Time: R-I-L-E-Y spells Riley.

I wanted to make Riley some name letters for her door like her brother has. Isaac's letters are primary colored stiff felt. I also have pink and rhinestoned name letters in my craft corner. I used the sample paint we got to test Riley's baseboards (Martha Stewart, ballet slipper). I got the wooden letters from Joann's.

Letters and paint!

I used a foam brush to paint the letters pink.

Here's a shot the finshed basecoat drying

My painty hand when that was done. Crafting is a dirty job, if you do it right. I let the letters dry over night and decided a second coat wouldn't be necessary. I wanted to embellish them some how that would go with the overall theme, but not be too babyish. I anticipate her hanging on to these. I decided some vines would be pretty, but I can not draw. So here's what I came up with:

I used a paper edger to punch a vine and then I laid the vine over the letter where I wanted it and traced with a pencil.

Here's what it looked like after I traced the vine with a pencil.

Next, I traced the vine outline with three different shades of green fine tip Sharpies.

Then I colored each part of the vine with corisponding color of Crayola crayon.

Here's the finished product. On the desk.

And on the wall. Ta-da! I'm very happy with them.

Unfamilar Potty Test

Today, as is the case with most Mondays, Riley went to daycare. She wore a dress for easy access. It was a Tinkerbell dress with some tulle on the skirt and she insisted on her pink kitty rain boats with it. Once we got there I pulled some loose red shorts on underneath. She was quite the fashion plate. I was very hopeful that Riley would set a good example for the other almost 2yr olds and go on the potty.

I brought her over early so I could discuss what we've been doing at home, make sure Riley knew where the potty was, etc. She was excited by the idea of a treat so she sat right down on the puppy potty and passed gas. She was a bit disappointed the potty was empty. I was sure she needed to go again, but she scampered off and wet the red shorts. I made her sit on the potty, but I guess she was done. Miss D showed all the babies the "Potty Dance" and told them they would do it every time someone went on the potty.

It was then, knowing that she was in good hands (as always) that I took my leave. I have low expectations for the first serious day of using the potty at daycare, but I think it's important to establish early that home isn't the only place we use the potty. I'll keep everyone posted on her progress.

Un-Stop-Able

Riley rocked the potty today. She went on the potty ALL day. Six times and two of them were poops. Not once did we have to put her on the potty. All day she walked herself to the potty used it and then informed us. The only accident all day was when she started peeing got excited and stood up and finished on the floor. What a superstar!

We've done it. We're past the forced potty time and puddles on the floor stage! Now I know, progress in her own home, on her own potty where she'd allowed to roam in various states of undress doesn't hold true to daycare or grandma's house, yet. I'm still bursting with gratitude. My poor back could not handle any more four-five accident days. Ugh. To think we my be done with diapers altogether in a few weeks. Diaper changes with an almost two year are rough on the back. I wish I was physically able to jump for for joy.

Go, Riley, Go (on the potty).

The Cutness That is Miss Roo

Riley wanted to go play outside in the morning so she demanded "me-mes on" (pajamas off). I pulled a little flowered red dress on her. She demanded "booots!" after that. So, we put on her pink kitty rain boots and while we were in her room she noticed the newly repaired set of hooks. I hung two purses, a dinosaur baseball cap and a kitty ear headband from it. She pulled down both purses and the ball cap. Having slung a bag over each shoulder she put on the hat and turned back to command "come on!" Off we went to the swing in a red flowered dress, pink kitty boots, two purses and a dinosaur hat. Only Riley.

I don't have any of yesterday, but here's a similar esemble.

Yesterday, Riley peed on the potty three times! This is a huge deal considering her once a day average. At some point in the afternoon Riley had peed on the potty and we had "flushed it bye-bye". She stood in the doorway of the bathroom waving bye-bye for a minute. It was cute she looked like someone on the dock watching the ship that was about to pull away. When I asked if she was still bidding farewell to her pee-pee she said "bye-bye pee-pee" waved again and turned on her heal to give her dolly a turn on the potty. So, cute.

When we reached pick up time I told Riley to help me my find her shoes. She ran to my room yelling "Sh-ooo-es". Once I had my shoes on I said "Riley, we have to hurry! It's time to get Isaac from school". She got behind me, put both of her tiny hands on my tailbone and started pushing. She pushed and I laughed all the way to the door. She knew how to help Mommy hurry.

The Age of Sometimes

From 18mos on there is a lot of sometimes in a toddler's world. Sometimes Riley sleeps in a crib sometimes she sleeps in a bed. Sometimes she eats in the high chair sometimes she eats at the table. Sometimes Mommy feeds her and sometimes she feeds herself. Sometimes with her fingers and sometimes with a fork. Sometimes she pees in a diaper and sometimes she pees in the potty. Sometimes she drinks from a sippy and sometimes you drink from a cup.

Sometimes is a strange kind of limbo to exist in. Sometimes she is still a baby and sometimes she's a big girl. Todderhood and adolescence are minefields that way. As a parent I often find myself habitually doing something and then thinking "she can do this." I find myself fighting instinct and watching her struggle. She is completely capable of making a clear verbal request for help.

It's confusing to be two feet tall and just starting to learn to communicate clearly. Consistency is only possible to a degree if you want an independent well adjusted child. She has to do things for herself and she wants to, but she also needs to know I'm here for her. Sometimes she puts on her purse and "goes to the store". It's an adorable game. Other days she brings me a "bank-kat" and says "baby". I wrap her up in the blanket and hold her and pretend she's a tiny baby. It never lasts more than a minute or two and it always makes me sad because it's a vivid reminder of how much she's grown.

Sometimes is difficult, but this time in her life is such an important investment in her future. Every time she struggles and figures something out without Mommy her confidence gets a little better. Every time she does something on her own she grows up a little bit. Every time she needs to be taken care of and I hold her and reassure her a sense of security grows in her. She feels loved and brave enough to try again. It's all about balance.

Riley's Really Ravishing Room

Riley's old nursery was sage green with lavender as an accent color. It had a dragonfly theme. This time I based everything around her Circo Nature Love bedding. Here's Riley's bedding in her old room:

It's pink with bright blue, green, pink and orange owls birds and mushrooms. There's even a little brown hedgehog. Very cute bedding and Riley loves owls. It looked pretty good in her green room, but this time I did her room colors around the bedding.

The colors we used were custom, but they were based on Pale Sunshine (Behr) and Ballet Slipper (Martha Steward). Or in other words yellow and pink.

Owls on the wall above her bed.
They're wall decals I bought at Target. They looked much bigger on the box. I thought the tree was going to take up most of the wall. Also, peel with care I pulled the tree top half off and it tangled with itself and everywhere I had to un-stick it from itself had a bald spot.

Here's her cute bedside table with birdie fabric table cloth:

I bought the fabric from Joann's to use as an Easter table cloth knowing I could use it again in Riley's room.
Growth cart vine:

This was a Christmas gift I held on to because I knew we were moving. It's a sticker you have to put up in segments. Mike used a level. It also comes with little pick bows to mark the growth, but I think I'll make birdie or owl markers.

More birdies:

Her matching lamp
I got this at Target it's part of the Circo Nature Love collection. It has three holes through which you see owls and a squirrel. The pull is a little pink mushroom. Riley loves it.

Her rug

I got this at Kmart. I love it, it's got a lot of white so it gets dirty fast.

Accidents happen

This is a little set of hooks I got at Joann's for Riley's purses and necklaces. As Mike was demonstrating how far away from the door to hang it to keep it safe he dropped it and it broke in half. So, super cute, but not very durable. Don't worry a little glue and some cute ribbon to cover the patch job will fix it right up.

What do you think? Riley seems very pleased.