The Heatbreaking Part

I'm home now. I had my test I have the films, but the ortho refuses to see me until Tue!! Sigh.

Riley breast fed this morning before I left and then had an all breast milk bottle at 9:45-10 and then at noon she ate some veggie baby food and had a 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula bottle and was napping soundly when I got home.

I did my first big pump and dump (well I made Mike do the first dump) it's so depressing to dump 6oz down the drain. Ugh. But that I can handle. Even seeing my beautiful girl hold her own bottle and look so grown up. That hurts, but when I give her a bottle she still turns her head so she can see me. She still reaches for me and strokes my face and holds my shirt and I know I'm still needed and that she doesn't feel abandoned. All of that is painful, but I know it will pass.

What I'm not "handling" at all is all the tears. She used to use body language or a turn of her head to get fed, but now she indicates she's hungery and a bottle has to be warmed. She's in my arms and hungery and I'm not feeding her. She cried more today than she has in the last 6months. It's absolute torture. I cried with her twice already. I hate bottles for taking so long! God help me. I know she's a baby and they cry. I know this will be over soon. I know there's no "long term" memory forming. What I know is that I've been encouraged from certain sources to just "go ahead and ween" in light of all that's happening. I obviously don't agree, but sometime I'll have to. How in the world will I survive? It's only 5:30 and technically she didn't start bottles until 10am today and I'm in physical pain over the distress she's had to suffer so far.

How is it done? How do people stop? Is it different when it's your choice? I'm not even feeling half of what actually weening would be like because I'm pumping on her eating schedule. Between engorgement and heartbreak I can't imagine it. Maybe it just means it's not time for us.

To end on a positive note it's liberating to know anyone can feed the baby (would be more so if I wasn't pumping every 2hrs).

Feeling Crafty (:

Here are the St. Patrick's Day shirts I made for the kids. (paint shop + Google Images + printer t-shirt transfer paper + white t-shirts/onesie).

And because you can't buy just one white onesie:

Pumping and the Beginning of the End

Every breast feeding mom I know loathes pumping and does as little as possible. I had to pump every time I fed Riley while she was in the NICU and for the first few days she was home. After that Riley's pediatrician suggested we start a bottle a day at a month if we wanted her to take bottles. Not every new mother is told that there is a window for introducing the bottle between 4-6weeks and with some baby's that's it.

Even though I wasn't on maternity leave and planning to rush back to work I wanted Riley to be able to take bottles so that we could have babysitters and also so they could get some daddy daughter time in. I never took a break I always pumped while she had her bottle for the next one. Breast milk gets heavier as it gets later in the day (to help baby sleep at night) so I wanted her to get the evening milk in the evening and keep my body on her eating schedule.

We did that for quite awhile and then it fell away somehow in favor of pumping when I needed it (like the baby fell asleep early and I'm gonna pop) or in anticipation of leaving Riley with a sitter. I had always intended to keep up the once a day pumping until I was done breastfeeding, but the best of intentions only go so far when you have a baby.

So, here I am 48hrs prior to my bone scan trying to pump in my every free moment to build up enough for the 48-72hrs I will not be allowed to feed Riley after the test. I also have to pump every time she eats and dump the milk for that whole time. Such a sad scenario. We're hoping to be able to get through with 1/2 and 1/2 bottles, but she may end up on full bottles of formula by the end. I hope we can resume business as usual on Sunday.

Beyond the test I am facing a possible 6-8wks of antibiotics which would mean supplementing some feedings with formula to protect Riley's tummy. After that is done I'm looking at 3 surgeries so who knows how that will all affect breastfeeding. I'll be a trooper and keep my pump next to my hospital bed if I need to, but reality is that Riley's 6mo now and it's going to be pretty traumatic on my body by the end of this process and it may be over.

I hoped to keep giving Riley breast milk until she was a year (pumped in bottles at least), but I may not be able to. Honestly as determined and active as she is I have a feeling Riley would be done before a year no matter what. Who knows.

So, there you go pumping sucks, but is a necessary evil. I love my breastfeeding time with Riley and knowing she's my one and only makes it that much harder to imagine giving it up.

Riley's New Toy

I found this toy at Stellie Bellies because Riley was pointing at it and leaning towards it in the Snugli. It was the perfect hieght and she loves music so we gave it a shot...

Funny Daddy

After a particularly gruesome diaper change: "That's what we call a 4wipe 2dipe situation."

When Riley sat up to look at my computer and stuck her thumb in her mouth: "See when she sticks her thumb in her mouth that's like her bowl of popcorn she wants to watch a movie."

He's not the only one either I caught my self singing during her bath the other day: "wash, wash wash. Wash, wash, wash. Wash your booty."

What do you DO all day?

The short answer is nothing that can't be interupted, the kids see to that.

Riley is at this point an amazing sleeper we're talking between 8-10hrs a night (In general there's phases of teething, illness and separation aniexty that pervent this). Please don't despair new moms it was a long road of sleepless nights to get here, but it does happen. We start our weekdays between 6 and 7:30am. She signals she's up and ready to eat and I feed her. After she's fed I change her diaper and put her in daytime clothes. Only after she's completely ready to I scramble into something clean (hopefully). Mike and I take turns dropping Isaac at school at 8:15-8:20. Here's where it varies by day:

Monday= Grocery Day and cleanup from the weekend.
Tuesday= Mommy Group (New Mom's Support Group).
Wednesday= Girl's Coffee and Story time.
Thursday= Appointment and errand day.
Friday= Weekend prep.

There's always feedings (6-8 a day) and those are all breast milk, one "feeding" a day of baby food, bath time for Riley after she has her fruits or veggies, diapers (8-10 a day), laundry (about 3-5 loads a week), dishes (run the dishwasher 2-3 times a week), feeding myself, dinner prep, homework supervision, child entertaining, errand running, car circle (and the bane of my existence Weds early release day every week), getting kids ready of bed (usually they're both down by 10-11 these days) and lots of picking up the house.

This of course precludes any special events during the week, school days off, illnesses, injury, time to myself, growth spurts, car troubles, spending time with Mike not taking care of kids (or unconscious) or weeks leading up to trips of any kind.

I usually build up momentum for a few weeks and then break down and spend a week in pain doing the bare minimum. Hopefully a hip replacement will break the cycle...

Breastfeeding Poetry

This has been rattling around in my head for awhile...
I have done it in the car
I have done it near and far
I have in a crowd and alone
While typing on the internet and talking on the phone
Sitting up, laying down
While running around
Morning, noon and night
On a park bench watching Mike fly a kite
In the bathtub, on the floor
In the ladies room and my car's backseat
In the woods in a tent
At many a family event
I bring a blanket, because you see
I breastfeed when the baby's hungry