Still Holding...

I'm just so complicated that the rep looked and my films and said he perfered to overnight them to his company in Indiana and let them approximate how long building my hip will take. We're back to waiting. The surgery scheduling lady says "Monday we hope." I hate not knowing I want to plan my life. On the plus side I ordered this and it came today:

Please Hold...

Thanks for waiting, now please wait some more.

I was told to go "pick up" the films from my CT scan on my way to my appointment this morning. When I got there I was informed that you're supposed to call ahead, but my doctor never tells his paitents this. After an hour and a half of anxious waiting I was told that if my doctor would accept a disc it would have taken 5min, but because they had to print out ALOT of films including 3D scans it a long time. In the meantime I called the doctor's office to let them know I was going to be late because I was still waiting.

They usually don't see paitents on Thursdays so I was very worried the doctor would leave before I got there. Well, it turns out he was there, but didn't want to see me. The rep from the company making my hip would come pick up the films and the surgery scheduling lady promised me a call this afternoon...

Still waiting

Riley's Favorite Thing

Since she was 3mo old she has lunged for cokes. I thought at first it was the red shiny can, but it doesn't matter what you have it in a glass, a fast food cup or plastic bottle she wants your coke. So, sometimes I let her hold the can before I open it. She stood up and took some steps to get it:

Apparently Corbin's also a fan...

Never as Bad as You Think

The test is done. It took 10min there was no contrast dye so I don't have to pump and dump. I called and got a follow up for Thursday morning. All good.

The Ob can't give me anything for pain because they can only offer Tylenol 3 and I'm allergic to Codeine. I missed my mom's group. I'm feeling generally anxious and sad. Not so good.

Riley went to my dad's house with her Grandma while I had the test. Holy Cow, was she wailing when I came back. Apparently she was slightly concerned when I left, but played and took a 30min nap. She woke up crying and Joanne gave her a bottle and that's when I got back. She was crying really hard when I came in and then sat happily in my lap and finished her bottle. Then I handed her to my dad so I could pack up our stuff and she started wailing. He tried to pass her to Joanne, but she was literally trying to leap out of her arms to me so I carried her to the car. Separation anxiety?

Deja Vu...

Wasn't I just dreading a medical test, stressed about pumping, surgery up in the air and overwhelmed with pain? Oh that's right I was.

There are some major differences. I have survived this once before which is a double edged sword. Can I do it? Of course. Do I want to? I'd rather give birth again.

Also, thanks to some hard work from some amazing friends my house is clean. It's incredibly serene. I can put the baby down on any floor in the house. I'm not confined to the "clean rooms" even if I am going between my bed and the couch. I feel so relieved. It really means a lot to have that support because pain can be so alienating. I don't know if it's related or not, but I'm much calmer than last time. I haven't had the anxiety attack I was anticipating. I'm staying awake to pump in preparation for 72hrs of no breast feeding and pump and dump, but I'm not filed with dread just anger. I lived through this it shouldn't be happening again. Fairness doesn't enter the equation.

I know Riley and I can get through it because we have to, but we shouldn't have to.

Like a Pair of Shiny New Shoes

I remember getting new white sneakers as a kid and wiping them off the first few times I wore them outside because I wanted them to stay new and perfect forever. I also remember my mother teasing me for this. That's what a new baby's like too.

You don't want dirt to ever touch them. You don't want them to ever feel sadness or pain. You want to shield them and keep new and perfect for always. And people make fun of you for it.

I remember feeling my heart break when they drew her blood for the first time in the NICU. I remember the first time she bumped her head, or got hungry when I couldn't feed her right away, I remember her first shots at two months and the time Cookie Monster scared her.

I remember this time in the NICU I was by myself getting ready to feed Riley. I changed her and took her temp. I very carefully scooped her up out of the crib and sat down to feed her. All the sudden she was crying. I checked all of the monitor cords, etc and that's when I noticed blood on my stomach. A lot of blood. I wiped it off thinking maybe I scratched myself when I picked up the baby. A few seconds later she was still crying and there was more blood on my stomach and the Boppy and everywhere! I screamed for the nurse and two of them came running. It was everywhere and it turned out the band aids from her little heel sticks had been pulled off right before I came in and somehow they were disturbed enough to bleed. I was shaking and crying by the time they wiped us down and assured me she was fine. A tight swaddle and some breastmilk later Riley had forgotten anything had ever happened, I on the other hand probably never will.

Her life was perfect when she was born. I wanted it to always be. I have learned much like shoes babies get "scuffed up" despite lots of love and care. She will skin her knees and get her heart broken no matter how much I love her. In fact I'll probably cry more than she does.

It's the way it's supposed to be. Kids try things, get hurt and make mistakes. Moms worry. It's gets easier to kiss their boo-boos without feeling like the worst mom on the planet, but I don't think it'll ever not hurt.

One and Only

There are two areas of a woman's brain in play when it comes to babies: 1)The rational logistical part 2)The primal cave woman life-or-death need to reproduce.

Most girls in my generation have a similar story either they didn't want kids at all or didn't think they were ready yet. Then they had a "scare" which turns out be nothing but sparks up those cave woman instincts and they suddenly feel an overwhelming need that wasn't there before. I never thought I'd have kids. I knew I'd have a terrible time with pregnancy and I had a career that was just gaining momentum. I've always loved kids and spent most of my life taking care of other people's but I couldn't imagine having one of my own. I had the "scare" which after so many years of believing getting pregnant was the worst thing that could happen to me was completely earth shattering to realize I was sad more than I was relieved.

Things happened in their own time and looking back I'm amazed at my good fortune. I don't think I could have conceived and carried a baby at any other point in my life. When I went to my first OB appt I told them I wanted my tubes tied. They gave me the standard lecture about tubal regret, but I persisted. Mike asked me if I wanted to hold off "just in case" anything happened to the baby. I persisted. I survived preterm labor from 23wks-34wks and when they brought me the C-Section consent and had me re-sign consent for the tubal the doctor leaned in and whispered "you're doing the right thing."

My attitude always was that if I was meant to have a healthy baby I would and no matter what I was only doing this once. I'm not sure if this translates in writing so let me re-phrase I had complete faith that I would have the baby I was meant to and completely realistic ideas about what I could endure physically.

Now don't get me wrong it wasn't 8months of complete misery. I loved my big belly and feeling her kick. I still pour over my belly photos and get warm and fuzzy. I'm still a woman and tying the tubes doesn't short out the cave women need. I still get sad that it's over forever. I still wish my body could handle more pregnancies. I felt beautiful pregnant when I could forget or ignore the pain for a moment. I love Riley so much I feel like I could burst. I mourn all those potential little ones I could have made. I think about if Riley had been a little boy what little Maverick would have been like. I wish I could love dozens more babies and maybe I will, but not babies I gave birth to.

I think when you find perfection it's a good time to stop anyway.