Mom-denity Crisis

Today was super rainy and I could barely roll out of bed. I decided this was a good day for Riley to spend the day at Grandma's. It was so nice with both kids gone and the storm outside, just surreal and calm. I slowly wheeled the hamper to the laundry room and started the laundry without a tiny person underfoot. After the laundry was started I watched TV, a show without puppets or talking animals. I watched the whole show without having to pause and deal with kids. In the afternoon Mike and I went to lunch.

Lunch was good. It was good to eat at a restaurant without a toddler in tow. We talked about non-house/kid issues. It was truly amazing. The food came quickly and was really good and I didn't have to share it with anyone. Delightful. Towards the end of lunch I remarked how good it was to get a break from Riley and Mike replied that this was the age Isaac started full time daycare. There was no more to the conversation just two consecutive comments.

Unlike the Valentines Day dinner after Riley was born where he mentioned day care and I became hysterical, this time I thought "hmmm..." By the time we got home from lunch I asked "But we can't afford that, right?" not entirely sure whether I wanted a yes or a no. To which he replied, "It's a lot cheaper once they're potty trained." "Oh. Hmmm..."

He went back to work and I hobbled over to move the laundry with these things bouncing around in my head. It was so quiet, I'd gotten so much done even in pain and it was only 1pm. Hmmm...No one should have to work every minute of the day for more than 2yrs, right? It's ok, to love her and want her to go away, right? Hmmm...I was just getting kind of comfortable with "stay at home mom" status. If she's in daycare full time doesn't that just make me...well, unemployed?

I messaged Mike this thought:
Me:"it would really be ok with you if Riley went to daycare full time and I was home unemployed"
Mike:"i'm sure you would be busy with other things, honey - If there is anyone in the world least likely to sit and vegetate all day long its you"
He's right, I wouldn't be bored. Who knows what kind of momentum I could get behind my writing (or any number of things, I'm multitalented)

And then like a ton of bricks I had that sinking feeling I had the day I realized I'd been out of college a year and "hadn't accomplished anything." Yes, I've always been this hard on myself. I always believed staying home with Riley was temporary. I just thought it would end because my fabulous new job not because I couldn't hack it anymore. I mean really, what does that say about me? Granted I inherited a toddler day one of my relationship with Mike and Mike himself is an unbelievable slob. I had a baby, back and hip surgery all in one year and I still manage to "run the household" even if it's from the couch sometimes. See, I patted myself on the back. My point is I struggled all this time to accept where I was and now that I have, everything may change? And I want it to...