I've been thinking a lot about this full time daycare stuff. “What is it that I'm so worried about?”, I keep asking myself. My own judgment of myself. It is harsh and unforgiving. Where is the root of all this? I was raised by a mother who often worked two jobs and always taught me that the worst thing I could be was dependent on a man. I am independent by nature. I long to make my own financial contributions to the family beyond my domestic contributions.
I really had to shift my whole sense of self after Riley was born. I wanted a baby. Woah! I wanted to be with her. Woah! I had no choice as far as work went and I never imagined how strongly (after working my whole life) I'd want to be home. Part of forgiving myself for "giving up on my dream and selling out to some American dream substitute" was that it was temporary! Surely, by the time Riley was 2 I'd be myself again. Hmmm...
Ok, yes I was an artist with huge dreams and I thought settling down was just a way of limiting myself. I craved independent stability and success. I had been raised by a wonderful working mother. All these things had to be influencing the feelings of complete failure I felt at staying at home without Riley, but there had to be something else to it.
Things have been physically challenging and I'm lucky to have made it through some horrifyingly lean times. Now, I hear my friend use the term "house wife" to refer to me and suddenly I understand my own resistance. I fear losing myself the way my mother did. I don't want to define myself as "house wife" or "stay at home mom" because those things only define me in relation to other people. I am incredibly weary of losing myself in motherhood completely, the way I perceived my mother to have done.
Sacrifices must be made (and are well worth it)in the case of any parent, but there are limits. I love my children, but I love me too. I want my own happiness as much as I want theirs. I want a happy marriage and an active social life. I want to always know that at my core I'm the same girl I was when I started this journey. Sigh, unfortunately understanding did not yield acceptance yet. I still want to wave a magic wand and start a fabulous full time job in my chosen career before Riley goes to full time day care. It'll work out somehow. I can't believe how far we've come in two years. In the meantime I strive to be a well rounded human.
"I was raised by a mother who often worked two jobs and always taught me that the worst thing I could be was dependent on a man". I beg your pardon but your mother relied on me (your father) to provide home, health care etc. and if she did not like doing so she never complanied to me (your father). Reading your various blogs you would think you did not even have a father. this blog and other things you have written have caused some to think you just do not like me (your father). but know this, even though minmize my involvement in your life and the life of Riley, you are my #1 daughter and I love you and her as much today as the day you were born.
ReplyDeleteMom taught me to be as self reliant as possable because when grandpa left grandma she couldn't even change a light bulb on her own.
ReplyDeleteYou and mom were a good team in a lot of ways, but mom had enough stability to survive if anything had ever happened to you at sea.
This post was about my feelings of failure and and not contriubing to my own family in every way both my parents did.