Being Stuck

Forgive me for not being a ray of sunshine today, but sometimes it just becomes overwhelming. I had been planning since last year to go to this event with my friend and her family and have Mike meet us. That way we'd be early, get good parking, pick up our shirts and have a little dinner picnic. I picked out Christmasy clothes for Riley and I to wear and spent the morning making turkey and cheese sandwiches shaped like Christmas trees. It was the first cooking I'd done in a month.

As soon as I'd put the food away it was time for PT. There's a lot of being stuck in my life right now. Physical therapy is one way. Three days a week he'll come sometime between 8am-5pm and I never know more than hour ahead. It's not like I can go anywhere very often, but it's annoying when I do have plans and a ride. So, we got started and I mentioned the popping. He got a concerned look and said "If it happens again call the doctor, you'll need an X-ray." Well, moments later with my therapist as a witness it starting happening again. He called the doctor's office they're seeing me at 1pm tomorrow because he's in surgery today.

It could be anything from not enough bone growth to keep the hardware from moving around to the muscle rubbing over the top of the screw (like a cheese grater). Both ends of the spectrum indicate another surgery to remove the screw God*&^% it to H$%&. I was hoping to bear weight early since I was doing so well and now it'll be extra weeks off of it. Stuck longer! For *&^%s sake!

Stuck. stuck. stuck. Stupid body, stupid surgeries...grr. Ok, I laid down iced my hip and tried to regroup. It would be ok I'd go have so much fun. Take the kids to see the real deal Santa and pretty lights and I'd deal with tomorrow when it came. Wrong. I got dropped of and my friends house and it begun to pour rain. It let up, but people kept reporting a cold mist and she has a small baby so she was ready to call it off. I was bummed, but persisted in getting Riley ready and packing us up to go. I kept telling everyone "I'm afraid of what the cold will do to my body, but I'm so much more afraid of what missing this with do to me emotionally."

I called Mike because I was stuck there without a ride. I rejected her offer to take the kids to the mall instead, but I understood why she didn't want to venture out. I had Riley packed up, shoes on and eating her Christmas tree sandwich when Mike got there. He decided to give the baby a bottle and someone took off Riley's shoes. Stuck. I couldn't put the shoes back on anymore than I could drive downtown by myself. Then my friend got a long distance call and I went to corral my kids. She had a step down into her playroom. I can get down that step, but not back up by myself. Stuck.

That's when I started crying discreetly. I called for help, but the adults were occupied. Riley, bless her little heart, tried to help me. Stuck. By the time the baby finished her bottle I was openly crying and asking to leave. The frustration and pain were overwhelming.

We finally got in the car to go home. Mike decided even though EVERYONE else had been fed he wanted to go through the drive thru. Ten more miserable minutes in the car. Stuck. No hope of even making it down town late. Stuck. I laid in my bed and cried. Not only had I wasted money at a time when that's a real problem, but I was stuck in bed in pain with the TV not working to distract me. Bad night. I was so worried about what Dr. B would say/do, but more so just irritated at all the relying on other people.

I want to decide to leave a room and go. I want to decide to take my kids somewhere and go. I want to drop something and pick it up myself. I'm so frustrated. I don't want this event to be the first of all the December events I miss without any say in the matter. It's too depressing.

Santa, if you're reading I'd like a way to cope for Christmas, please!