Phase one of being home with a sick little one is heartbreak. Actually, phase one is probably denial. She's not getting sick. She's fine. When you can't deny it any more your heart breaks. After you've felt sad until you ache, it starts. The guilt.
This is my fault. How could I let this happen to my baby? All of Mike's anti-social tendencies are right. I shouldn't let her be so social. I did this? Why don't I do more? I should have her home with me everyday all day. I should protect her from this ever happening again.
It's irrational, but motherhood is too. I just wish I could live up to my standards as a mother and a spouse. I'm not 100% recovered from this last surgery and I have a lot on my plate with the wedding around the corner. I thought I had an opportunity to be productive outside the house and it fell through. I used to think if I can't have something that's just mine I'll do this mother thing better than it's ever been done before. Now, I know a)I can't live up to my expectations b)It's not enough to live for other people all the time.
I guess I feel like I let both of us down today.
Tomorrow offers each of us another chance to do "today" correctly. Riley will not long remember what happened this particular day and no one will be as hard on you as you are being on yourself. We are imperfect individuals and some days we will feel that intensely, the key is to go to bed looking Forward to the next day. I have faith in your parenting skills--so should you !~!
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