Remembering With Intensity

Memory is funny. I can not believe how long has passed since certain events because I remember them so vividly. There's no logic to it at all. I'll be blurry on something a few months ago, but crystal clear on events from 10yrs ago. It's not always by significance either. Today, I saw someone I went to college with. That got me feeling nostalgic and I realized when looking up another friend from that era (who I wasn't extremely close with by any means) that I can still hear his voice perfectly.

I remember a blue dress my mother owned in the early 80's. I don't believe this dress had any significance, but for some reason it floats into my conscious thought off and on. Strange. I remember the way my dad smelled when I was a kid, cold air and cigarettes. Strange my parents have asked me if I remember people or pets from my childhood and I don't. I remember dresses and smells. I remember toys I had when I should have been too small to remember anything.

On the other hand I know that there are pictures I've seen of my childhood that have become part of my memories. Weird. False memories, I think I'm remembering the event, but actually it's the picture I remember seeing. I've strayed, but I wonder why some things are remembered with such intensity? My first kiss is in technicolor compared to last Christmas. Most of middle school is black and white if not missing all together. So strange. What determines which memories are brighter? I have tried a few times to will a memory to stick, but it doesn't always leave as deep an imprint as I think it will.

I imagine organizing my memories into old fashioned file cabinets. Large heavy drawers and then coding them by brightness. Making the false memories live together in a corner cabinet while my most precious memories are front and center in full color. The more I think about needing to turn up the intensity on my memories the more I worry I'll have the opposite effect. I am scared witless of dementia. I can't imagine how terrifying it must be.

I digress, again, if I were in charge of the intensity of memories how would I choose to promote (or not)? I think some people have already figured out the way to do it. I've been with someone witnessing something and then been astonished when they don't remember. I don't think only happy memories should be bright or tragic ones should all be dimmed. I think I'm glad it's not up to my conscious brain.