Last night was night two in the crib for Riley. There was no tears for baby or mommy this time. She had a bath and got in jammies after dinner. She played until she was tired, nursed in my bed and Mike took her to the crib at 10pm.
After she fell asleep I laid in bed in the silence feeling overwhelming anxiety. After so long of having her with me it felt like an appendage was missing. I wanted to get up and check on her like I used to and I couldn't. I got really emotional. I'm been thinking a lot about my friend's baby who died a few months after her first birthday. Riley and I both made it through. She came back to bed with us from 6am-9am. We consider that "sleeping in" on a Saturday now. Phew.
It was a good thing we got some sleep because we had a busy day. Mike and I bought all the supplies for Riley's party so I got started on my hedgehog finger puppet favors. This was exciting because I've had "learn to sew" on my to do list for a while. It took me from 5ish hours to make the first one even with Mike's help.
When that was finished we headed off to the open house for my friend's new home day care. Riley wore her pretty purple dress and all of our favorite babies were there. They had a blast. All the babies laughed and played so well together. I was so happy to be there with all those happy babies. It was a great event.
However when I got home I cried. Maybe it was Riley growing up, maybe it was discussing my next surgery with all my friends, but I think it had more to do my friend "moving on" with her life when I can't. I'm so happy to have spent Riley's first year home with her, but I thought I would be able to gain more of a life of my own by now. I'm not saying full time career, but maybe part time (like teach a class or two) while Riley went to my friend's amazing new home daycare. Instead of a new chapter of independence for both of us I have surgery to look forward to.
Still hoping I'm on a river not a latter.
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