In the Wake

More than upset, devastated with disappointment, appalled at the sacrifices made for nothing, worn thin and raw by pain, loopy and snarling from fatigue and at a loss for what to do now. How do I keep functioning? I was only supposed to have to hold on a few weeks and now it's been over two months. Back spasms, swelling everywhere, nerve compression and some (can you blame me?) depression.

Bright side? I concede weaning never would have worked out with original date. More time to get the baby's sleeping sorted out was useful. We can probably go on the cruise (Mike's cousin's wedding) without worrying about blood thinners causing complications and post operative infection. That's all I've got. I think I should get points for trying, though.

My mom joked for days that if we made plans to go to the beach Thursday then the surgery would actually happen this time. I decided I had to get out of the house so I decided we'd go to the beach on Wednesday. I enlisted my mom and Mike's sister to help me bring the baby to the beach. I'm not a big beach person. Bad balance makes sand and waves less than friendly. I haven't been to the beach since my spinal fusion. I didn't want Riley miss out on the experience because it so difficult for me so I figured three adults to one toddler sounded doable.

When we parked Mike's sister pointed out the sign that said "ask about our complimentary beach wheelchair." It was a huge ancient clunker of a thing that obviously hadn't been used in a while. It was greasy all over the frame and not terribly comfortable, but it did the job.



We found a spot and slathered the baby with sunscreen. I don't know what I expected it to be like. Sitting unsupported on the towel was kind of painful and once I was down I was stuck. Somehow I thought my mom would sit on the towel and Lara and I would take Riley to the water. It turned out 90% of the time my mom was holding Riley's hand and following her lead and sometimes mom and Lara walked with her. I watched uncomfortable and off balance on the towel trying to zoom in enough to take pictures.

Don't get me wrong the weather was lovely and Riley was having the time of her life. It wasn't a bad day. I just didn't expect my sadness over the surgery stuff to be replaced by a different kind of sadness. Why can't I take my daughter to the beach? Why can't I despite all my determination conquer the beach? Beyond that it's already so difficult to keep up with her. Even if I have the surgery and it helps the pain and I'm back to my old self my old self had limitations. I don't want her to miss out on experiences because of me, but I don't want her to do everything without me either.

I know it sounds selfish and terrible, but I want to show her all the new experiences in life whether I'm physically able to or not. It is not the same to just be there.

I realized late in the afternoon that I'd forgotten to put the chili in the crock pot before I left that morning. That made me feel like an even more inadequate mother. When I called home to tell Mike I forgot he said "no you didn't" What a sweetie! Go team. Sometimes it's good to remember you're not alone.

At the risk of going off on a tangent I want to address something: pain pills. Contrary to popular belief breastfeeding was not the only reason I was only taking extra strength Tylenol. I am a tiny person who spent most of my childhood having surgeries and being doped up. I don't enjoy the feeling. I have a VERY sensitive stomach and the times that I've taken pain pills as an adult I spent the whole day throwing up or with a splitting migraine. I can't take care of my baby on pain pills (or feel human). That said I am looking into some muscle relaxers now that weaning is almost done, but like everything else when you're a parent I have to have a meeting and plan ahead if I take one. If you exist in a state of tension and pain and that relaxes temporarily you go to sleep.

I am doing the best I can.