Ponderences

I've been doing a lot of deep thinking. I'm not a kid any more, in fact I have some of my own. My past though vivid in my memories is done. Things have changed and they refuse to quite changing it seems. I miss other places, people and things. Nouns I guess, I'm pinning for a few nouns. I've been weeding out the let goes from the hold ons. I visited my college campus with kids in tow sooooo surreal. I've bumped into an ex-boyfriend's mother (also with kids in tow). I've reached out to old friends and have been almost equally as rejected as embraced. My twenties are gone and my life is marching ahead in a completely new direction.

I have a husband. Dude! Just a brief word on the subject because I just received my professional wedding photos and they brought all these emotions to the forefront once more. Marriage is a strange beast. I don't believe we prepare our children properly for it. There are no stories about financial hardship, medical issues, depression, weight gain, etc...between princes and princesses in castles on hills. You know? I'll sum up for you what I've realized. A husband is not a boyfriend. He won't kiss you or compliment you even half as much, but he sticks it out through your worst moments. Then you're supposed to return the favor. You don't get to dote on each other as much because life is happening and you have to be a team. It's a huge job especially when raising smaller humans. You pick one equally flawed human being and agree not to go it alone anymore no matter what life kicks your direction. Life does more kicking then the boy on the playground who liked you, but didn't know how to say it.

I also found myself avoiding people because I judged myself harshly compared to what I perceived they were doing. You know: "they're super heroes with exciting lives and I do dishes and wipe noses"... Low and behold if the grass wasn't greener for them too. Woah. I guess perspective is everything. I have a horrible time waiting for anything ever. HATE it. So, whenever there's no forward motion on any front I start grieving a loss. Dramatic? Maybe. The message keeps coming in that the dreams I put on hold may not be dead after all. Amen to that.

I want to say that I've figured things out, but the lesson seems to be that I won't ever figure it out and I should instead learn to accept that. I can't predict how aging will affect me physically (damn it) nor can I say what will change in the world around me 6mo from now. So simple to write so hard to accept. Today I was busily framing wedding photos and getting birthday invitations ready to be mailed. Mike went off to hang shelves. Nice quiet Sunday? Nope, Riley didn't nap a wink of her usual two hours and Mike broke the aquarium and flooded our bedroom.

Life just keeps changing things up. I used to think the girl scouts were telling me to have a plan when they said "be prepared" now I think they mean adapt quickly.