I watched the Investigation Discovery Channel series on the subject and decided it might be time to share my experience. I'll break it up into a few parts for easier reading.
I know now, looking back, that none of this would have happened if not for one fatal mistake on my part. I was vulnerable...no that's not right. I was shattered. Emotionally decimated. I had endured plenty to that point, but this was Earth shattering. Everything I knew to be true about myself was challenged by this particular betrayal. It wasn't that I didn't see it coming it was that I did not believe it was possible. It may sound over dramatic, but it was awful and the point is how deeply this horrible thing effected me. I have always been confident and strong and this made me feel ugly, weak and foolish. That's why I made the mistake.
I thought I had to put it behind me quickly. I thought I needed validation. I was pretty sure it had been a freak occurrence and my next move would prove it. So, I put a personal ad on craigslist. In hindsight, when you're feeling your most vulnerable is not the ideal time to invite total strangers into your life. I thought it was the right thing to do and I had to do something.
From a healthy number of replies I selected a few. The dates I went on were perfectly pleasant, but one of us was never interested enough for round two. Maybe I should have taken my full inbox as validation that I was a desirable person and stopped there, but I didn't.
I met him. He was eight years older than me, a musician/composer and he laughed a lot. I didn't think much of him to be honest. There was no instant attraction or anything. I'll never forget that having been sitting across the table from each other at that Mexican restaurant all of 10min he asked me if I was currently taking any psych meds. At the time I laughed, but I should have seen the aging, couch surfing musician with crazy girls in his past for what he was then and I didn't. Maybe I did, but I didn't care. I liked the attention. I liked the light heartedness, I was anxious not to feel sad anymore.
We dated only briefly...4 or 5 weeks tops. It wasn't serious: no L-word, no talk about the future. We hang out together and met a few of each others friends. It wasn't long before I realized his drinking really bothered me. I had to know why it was such an issue for me. I started going to Al-Anon meetings and sorting out all those messy adult-child-of-an-alcoholic issues. I had to know what I was feeling wasn't just pent up emotions that had nothing to do with him. It became clear that he'd inspired me to deal with some old emotions for a good reason. I even stood him up to go to a meeting at one point when he called me drunk. Now I knew I had issues to work through and I was. I also knew he was a mistake. I didn't want any kind or relationship with him.
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