Christmas Memories

It's funny how the best memories come at unexpected times. When I was living in Los Angeles, it eventually happened that I couldn't go home for Christmas. There were two consecutive years that ended up being my absolute BEST Christmas memories (pre-family of my own, of course). I remember work gift exchanges, coming home to piles of packages on the doorstep, bribing my room mate to help me put up my first real tree, driving around looking for a Christmas Eve service (and scoring big time), friends that were like family and driving to work through beautiful neighborhoods with amazing lights. I found so much magic in those years. I never felt sad or lonely like you'd expect to feel. I was grateful for my job and holiday pay. I loved the Christmas Eve shift because it was quiet and co-workers were laid back. Every gift I received from friends or in packages from family was extremely appreciated. Christmas was everywhere even in a big anonymous city.

I even remember a neighbor of mine who I would frequently see and exchange pleasantries with in the mornings, but never actually introduced myself to. He left a Christmas card for me under my wind shield wiper. If that isn't the Christmas spirit, I don't know what is. What a great way to learn someone's name.

The radio switching to Christmas music made my commutes more pleasant, the lights filled me with childish wonder. I recall it being the best time of year to get lost because of the Christmas lights. I had my first Christmas tree and my one and only tree decorating party. Those memories are treasures. I still own the ornaments people brought to the party and I can still tell you where each one came from. I was so blessed for those Christmases where I didn't take a single bite of food or kindness from someone for granted.

I think those Christmases were on my mind because we were hit so hard by all the illnesses this year that I lost the reigns. I just couldn't do all of the things I normally do for my family and friends at this time of year. I tried, but ended up feeling sad and discouraged. That's when I realized maybe this year was another one of those tricky blessings. It looked like a curse, but I was in a position to scale back and in doing less, spend my time in a calmer state. My less-wound-up state allowed for feeling completely overwhelmed with gratitude for things as simple as the day to day health of my family. So while two months of compromised health for one or more members of the family wasn't pleasant it was a perspective adjustment.

Happy Holidays, do less (trust me, it'll be better).

Thanksgiving

I am so grateful I was well enough to participate (and grateful I went to the doctor soon after). Grateful we didn't have to travel to see our loved ones. Grateful that at least I got to listen to the parade while I cleaned. Grateful there was laughter! Grateful the food was done on time. Grateful for everyone who came. Grateful everything was delicious! Grateful for left overs. Grateful for some quiet moments snuggling with the kids while we digested. Grateful no one had to leave the house the next day. Grateful for traditions. Grateful for family.

Muscle Memory

One small movement of the wrist, one tiny swoosh and I was overcome with unwelcome memory fragments. I knew rationally that this was not the same. Didn't I? Yes, I understood that this was an inconvenience and a completely other context. By the third failed attempt to swipe my card, my emotions were raw and way too near the surface. I inhaled sharply and the nice man set my things aside. He didn't seem angry or judgmental at all, but I was feeling old overpowering emotions and could no longer connect my thoughts.

Thank God, I was not alone. My sister ushered me to a chair and I shoved my phone and the offending card at her. I was very aware the semi-numb feeling was keeping the tears at bay. "It’s not the same." The same as what? The frustrating answer from the curt customer service representative meant more work, phone calls and time. I started making the calls just to feel like I was doing something.

I snapped out of my fog when I heard my sister asking the cashier for my things that had been set aside. I had to make a decision right then. I forced a weak smile and paid for the items. It seemed strange to be acting as if nothing had happened. I may have even apologized to the cashier although neither of us had done anything wrong. Strange.

The sunlight hit my eyes with an uncomfortable intensity when we exited and I had the feeling we had been in that store for days. I was again grateful not to be alone. No telling if I could have made the short journey home with my head reeling this way. Could I let it go, I wondered? Not without knowing exactly what "it" was. What the hell was the matter with me?

My seat belt clicked far too loudly and the car was taking too long to move. It was no big deal, right? So, I got excited and shopped for things I wouldn't have and the silly gift card didn't work. So, it was embarrassing. Everything will be fine I’ll get the money back. At least I had the money in my bank account….Oh! Oh.

Now I knew. All at once, I was standing at the checkout counter two years ago trying to buy a frozen pizza for the kids to eat before trick or treating. My card isn't working. I don’t have enough in the account. I’m humiliated. I have no idea what we will eat tonight. I have to put back the pizza. I have to borrow a few bucks later (which I pay back in 48hrs) to buy another pizza at a different store. In the years since I have never gone back in there.

That was the end of a dark time. It was the last time that ever happened. I vowed that day, never to let it happen again. I found a way and I tried to forget, until today. Today made me remember. Today brought back that moment in blinding clarity and all those feelings of frustration, pain and shame. We fought so hard and survived so much worse than that, but that was the day I knew I had to do more. Stupid, horrible memories of counting change to buy diapers and not having enough were now pushing on the edges of my brain.

That’s over now, I tell myself. I've started to cry. "It just all came back." I explain now completely annoyed with myself. I take a few deep breaths and compose myself before climbing out of the car. Reality. I tell myself to snap out of it. It’s all over I keep repeating. As I pass my dining room table I glance over at and the stack medical bills, that outnumbered the Christmas cards this past month, and I feel sick. It could be that way again.

I give myself a moment to wallow in the fear, but only a moment. I sweep the leaning tower of bills out of sight and take a deep breath. I work hard to keep it from happening again. Time to hug my kids and be damn grateful for where I am now.

Happy Things

Our last evening together before my surgery we took a walk in the park.

Company while I heal.

Isaac's gifted project.

Mike painted jack-o-lanterns on Riley's nails for letter N show and tell.

Isaac dressed as Doctor Who.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful that the kids played nicely until 9am and let me stay in bed. I am thankful they can enjoy the parade while Mike cooks our contribution to a big family Thanksgiving that we are not hosting. Yay!

I am thankful that I am recovered enough from this surgery to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal. I am thankful that my children are old enough that I can get dolled up without having to stop and breast feed or change diapers. I am thankful for the family pictures we only get over the holiday season. I am thankful for Etsy and Riley's amazing Miss Gobbles barrette.

I am thankful for Mike's job where he is appreciated. I am thankful that I am healthy (outside of Orthopedic issues), knock on wood. I am thankful for two intelligent, funny, healthy children.

I am thankful to have a wonderful co-parent helping me raise them. I am thankful for extended family that lives nearby and for sincere compliments. I am thankful it's 70 degrees on Thanksgiving in Florida. I am thankful that I'm surrounded by good cooks. I am thankful for pie!!

Happy Thanksgiving