Christmas Memories

It's funny how the best memories come at unexpected times. When I was living in Los Angeles, it eventually happened that I couldn't go home for Christmas. There were two consecutive years that ended up being my absolute BEST Christmas memories (pre-family of my own, of course). I remember work gift exchanges, coming home to piles of packages on the doorstep, bribing my room mate to help me put up my first real tree, driving around looking for a Christmas Eve service (and scoring big time), friends that were like family and driving to work through beautiful neighborhoods with amazing lights. I found so much magic in those years. I never felt sad or lonely like you'd expect to feel. I was grateful for my job and holiday pay. I loved the Christmas Eve shift because it was quiet and co-workers were laid back. Every gift I received from friends or in packages from family was extremely appreciated. Christmas was everywhere even in a big anonymous city.

I even remember a neighbor of mine who I would frequently see and exchange pleasantries with in the mornings, but never actually introduced myself to. He left a Christmas card for me under my wind shield wiper. If that isn't the Christmas spirit, I don't know what is. What a great way to learn someone's name.

The radio switching to Christmas music made my commutes more pleasant, the lights filled me with childish wonder. I recall it being the best time of year to get lost because of the Christmas lights. I had my first Christmas tree and my one and only tree decorating party. Those memories are treasures. I still own the ornaments people brought to the party and I can still tell you where each one came from. I was so blessed for those Christmases where I didn't take a single bite of food or kindness from someone for granted.

I think those Christmases were on my mind because we were hit so hard by all the illnesses this year that I lost the reigns. I just couldn't do all of the things I normally do for my family and friends at this time of year. I tried, but ended up feeling sad and discouraged. That's when I realized maybe this year was another one of those tricky blessings. It looked like a curse, but I was in a position to scale back and in doing less, spend my time in a calmer state. My less-wound-up state allowed for feeling completely overwhelmed with gratitude for things as simple as the day to day health of my family. So while two months of compromised health for one or more members of the family wasn't pleasant it was a perspective adjustment.

Happy Holidays, do less (trust me, it'll be better).

Judgey Wudgey Bear

As we approach the holiday season, I'd love to clear the air as much as a lowly little mommy blogger like myself could ever clear the air. Here's the thing, one of those teeth brushing epiphanies, I don't judge other moms even a tenth as much as I perceive them to be judging me. I'm definitely weird on many fronts, but I have to assume, after some reflection, I'm not being judged as much as I think I am. Obviously, there is judgement, let's be honest it's just human nature. I'm just saying we may project our fear of being judged more often than we actually are judged. A+ if you're still with me, phew.

When you don't feed your kid an 100% organic locally sourced diet not only do I not judge you, I don't care. Same goes for what kind of diapers you use. Let's just be perfectly clear, unless your reading reviews as a new mom, no one in the history of humanity even cared what anyone else's baby poops in. Especially when your own kids are potty trained, just saying. As long as your kids seems happy and functional your parenting is okay by me. If they're alive/growing I'm not going to tsk, tsk over what you fed them for lunch or whether it was presented in a themed bento box. Lord knows, it's a small miracle to get food in them AT ALL some days. I do look at your lunch meat panda munching a celery bamboo stick picture on Facebook and think "that's cute." That is not however the same as judging other moms, my self included, for not embarking on an around the world Pinterest worthy lunch adventure. Although, I probably will judge myself momentarily for the uncrustable I threw in the lunchbox this morning, I'll get over it.

We're all doing our best in an incredibly challenging situation. Don't worry about flack from me because you allow your kids to watch television. I grew up in the 80's we watched a lot of great, at least when viewed through a nostalgic filter, children's programming. I don't talk about my kids viewing habits with other moms for fear of judgement. I'm not raising couch potatoes, I monitor what and how much they watch. I know how wildly different kids personalities can be and I allow entertainment suited to them. Guess what? I trust that most parents are doing the same. Call me crazy, but I'm fairly certain in this technical age most of us figured out what worked for our lifestyles and our children pretty quick. So, the end, right? I still avoid the subjects of politics, religion and screen time in unfamiliar (and sometimes familiar) company.

Everyone's got their hot button issues about parenting. I personally, see one of my hot button issues every now and then. I immediately vent to my bestie or spouse for a bit. After that, I have more of a feeling that we're "different kinds of moms" more than a condemnation of anyone's lifestyle. I probably file certain moms in this category to avoid them judging me for our differences than anything else. I'm not an insecure person in general, but there's nothing like pouring your heart and soul into something and then receiving harsh criticism. There's no harder job than raising tiny humans.

I also understand that it is so easy to take things out of context. I don't know a lot...scratch that ANYONE in my exact parenting situation. Peeking in from the outside at someone else it's likely that what I perceive may be entirely incorrect.

When do I judge? When I see a happy kid having a good time. A kid in mismatched clothes, in a cardboard fort in the backyard beaming up at the camera with a chocolate milk mustache. That's when I think "Wow there's some good parenting." It's all about those happy childhood memories. It's about feeling loved intensely, because you are. It's all about growing up knowing who you are because it was always ok to be yourself.

I don't know many people who go to therapy to discuss what their mom packed in their lunch, how their mom decorated their room or any of the other nonsense that seems so important since social media. Oh Boy! If I'm wrong and we're raising that generation they'll have proof of everything!

Keep doing your best for the smaller humans Moms & Dads and don't worry about what I think (because most of the time I think you're doing better than me!).

Somebody's "A Whole Hand" Years Old

This year in lieu of my usual theme-a-poloza in honor of her birth I told Roo I'd take her on a birthday adventure. I brought Frozen pull apart cupcakes to school. I also made a special balloon run to surprise her before the class "party" (more Frozen, of course). Since we didn't have an official party theme I wanted her birthday shirt to be something not to fussy. Something fun rather than super girly. So I got "If you (picture of a mustache) I'm five!" from little hipster tees on Etsy. The crown with the sparkly 5 came out of a birthday card from grandparents, when your birthday's so early in the school year teachers rarely have it together enough to have a crown for you and for Roo that would be unacceptable.

We have a big family and a lot of close friends and without a party we wanted to make sure they didn't miss out on a chance to see the birthday girl on her special day. I skipped elaborate invites and sent a simple digital one letting everyone know which coffee shop we'd be hanging out in that morning and inviting them to swing by. We had a great morning, there was lots of love.

We also revealed that we'd be taking Miss Roo and her best-ie (whose birthday is 20 days later) to Disney. A princess-tastic birthday trip complete with princess make-overs and dinner in the castle! She was a bit overwhelmed at the time, but as the day wore on and it sunk in she got more and more excited.

After nap I gave her the last two presents from Mom and Dad. Isn't she stunning in that Elsa dress? She decided to wear that for her dinner with the princesses, can you blame her? Wow. Totally worth the website stalking it took to get it and the months of secrecy while it hung in my closet waiting for the big day! She also got an Ariel bed tent, is there anything cooler than sleeping in a tent and your own bed at the same time? I think not. It was a great day for me too. No frantic cleaning, no huge party to orchestrate or clean up and tons of quality time with Roo. We just played with new toys and hung out. Then after dinner she donned new jammies and another birthday crown and I put five candles in the four leftover cupcakes from the day before. We sang and after a few tries she blew them out. I can't imagine what was left to wish for...

Summer, Stick A Fork In It

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

Click any collage to enlarge

Summer Wrap Up Video Questions:
1. What was the most educational thing you did this summer?
2. What was the worst thing about summer vacation?
3. What was the very best thing about summer vacation?
4. What was the best thing you ate?
5. What was the worst thing you ate?
6. What was your favorite activity/project?
7. What was your favorite trip?
8. What did you do that was unexpected?
9. Is there anything you didn't get a chance to do that you wish you had?
10. Are you ready to go back to school?
11. What is the most exciting thing about starting middle school?

**Full Disclosure: We filmed this on the night before school started. It took at least six takes due to Riley's video bombing , the dog, technical issues, etc. So, I apologize before you view it for my sharp tone mid way through I was completely exhausted. Otherwise, enjoy our summer memories!

Thanks, Mom

Today I woke up to a mysteriously injured hip. The old rage, at everything unfair, was inflamed as my hip joint. I had rested after a long week of birthday fun. I rested more than I normally would and still I woke up in agony. Granted, I ran around quite a bit this week and then took the kids to a theme park over the weekend (in celebration of Isaac getting into his first choice magnet middle school), but 48 full hours later the pain was all in one joint. Do you know what it's like when your "good hip" hurts? Oye. Unfortunately, I have to severely limit my use of over the counter anti-inflammatory medicine so as not to upset another medical issue. It made for a long weepy morning and I am no wuss.

I ran around and wore myself out, than ran around with the kids (in the wheelchair) and I rested almost a full 12hrs prior to today. I was fine for a a whole day. The day it didn't matter. The day it was up to me what I got done. Now, the day after that one I get out of bed unable to bear weight on my right leg at all. Minimum doses of anti-inflammatory later, no change. I was frustrated and scared. What if I had really done it? What if my I'd blown out my good hip? It was too terrible to consider.

I confessed the gravity of the situation to Mike, but I wasn't about to give up on my day. Especially, after I gave my ungrateful punk of a body yesterday "off." No dice. I had plans to volunteer at an event at Riley's school. The hip pain would NOT win. It was the same situation I've been through a million times except I wasn't just tired or just in pain I couldn't step down on my good hip. Again, how is this at all fair? I over did it, then rested, then over did it and then rested. How can it hurt this much? Why today?

I babied it earlier in the day. By the time I had to head out I discovered wearing my braces and shoes helped a bit. I sucked it up, and hobbled to Riley's school with more weight on my crutches than either leg. I don't think anyone noticed my wincing or perspiration given all the hustle and bustle. I was able to slide into a tiny chair and craft my way to distraction. It was school-wide hub bub so there was a lot to take my mind off the evil presence in my joint. Nobody seemed the wiser, especially Riley.

I smiled as I guided her classmates through my craft station and the merrily escorted Riley through the others. In my head, however, it was a checklist: Craft One-check, You can do this. Breathe, Craft Two-check, Ok, wrapping it up. Turn in Card-check, Pick up Book-check, Hang in there. Breathe. Pick up Cookie-check and We're outta Here-check. I made it, without cheating Riley or her classmates out of any part of the experience. I got home, dictated some directions and collapsed until bath time.

It wasn't the first time and it won't be the last. It was just a more extreme example. I prefer to fight through pain that comes and goes or can be largely ignored, but when your eyes well up with tears every time you take a step it's a whole other level of pushing through. I suspect, all mothers have a sense that their children have no idea how much they fight and sacrifice for them.

I remember going through some nasty pre-term labor with Riley and a good friend assuring me she'd be happy to recant all I went through to bring this kid into existence when she's an ungrateful teenager. My children have no idea how many times I've wanted to check out and instead found myself in an "above-and-beyond" situation. They shouldn't know about it, not when I can fight and be there. Now and then they need, to know that I need my feet up or a request is just too much at the moment, but I don't want them to ever feel guilty for wanting me around. Someday they won't. I'll never be sorry for overdoing it, if I've been able to make memories with my rapidly growing kids. Now, cleaning is a different story...no one wants basketball sized swollen knees from scrubbing floors and tubs. I pick my battles, not always as well as I should, but I do.

For now happy faces have to be my thanks.

Muscle Memory

One small movement of the wrist, one tiny swoosh and I was overcome with unwelcome memory fragments. I knew rationally that this was not the same. Didn't I? Yes, I understood that this was an inconvenience and a completely other context. By the third failed attempt to swipe my card, my emotions were raw and way too near the surface. I inhaled sharply and the nice man set my things aside. He didn't seem angry or judgmental at all, but I was feeling old overpowering emotions and could no longer connect my thoughts.

Thank God, I was not alone. My sister ushered me to a chair and I shoved my phone and the offending card at her. I was very aware the semi-numb feeling was keeping the tears at bay. "It’s not the same." The same as what? The frustrating answer from the curt customer service representative meant more work, phone calls and time. I started making the calls just to feel like I was doing something.

I snapped out of my fog when I heard my sister asking the cashier for my things that had been set aside. I had to make a decision right then. I forced a weak smile and paid for the items. It seemed strange to be acting as if nothing had happened. I may have even apologized to the cashier although neither of us had done anything wrong. Strange.

The sunlight hit my eyes with an uncomfortable intensity when we exited and I had the feeling we had been in that store for days. I was again grateful not to be alone. No telling if I could have made the short journey home with my head reeling this way. Could I let it go, I wondered? Not without knowing exactly what "it" was. What the hell was the matter with me?

My seat belt clicked far too loudly and the car was taking too long to move. It was no big deal, right? So, I got excited and shopped for things I wouldn't have and the silly gift card didn't work. So, it was embarrassing. Everything will be fine I’ll get the money back. At least I had the money in my bank account….Oh! Oh.

Now I knew. All at once, I was standing at the checkout counter two years ago trying to buy a frozen pizza for the kids to eat before trick or treating. My card isn't working. I don’t have enough in the account. I’m humiliated. I have no idea what we will eat tonight. I have to put back the pizza. I have to borrow a few bucks later (which I pay back in 48hrs) to buy another pizza at a different store. In the years since I have never gone back in there.

That was the end of a dark time. It was the last time that ever happened. I vowed that day, never to let it happen again. I found a way and I tried to forget, until today. Today made me remember. Today brought back that moment in blinding clarity and all those feelings of frustration, pain and shame. We fought so hard and survived so much worse than that, but that was the day I knew I had to do more. Stupid, horrible memories of counting change to buy diapers and not having enough were now pushing on the edges of my brain.

That’s over now, I tell myself. I've started to cry. "It just all came back." I explain now completely annoyed with myself. I take a few deep breaths and compose myself before climbing out of the car. Reality. I tell myself to snap out of it. It’s all over I keep repeating. As I pass my dining room table I glance over at and the stack medical bills, that outnumbered the Christmas cards this past month, and I feel sick. It could be that way again.

I give myself a moment to wallow in the fear, but only a moment. I sweep the leaning tower of bills out of sight and take a deep breath. I work hard to keep it from happening again. Time to hug my kids and be damn grateful for where I am now.

How Quickly We Forget

I took care of a baby for a few hours today. It was fun. We're good friends, this little bit and I. I'm a little out of practice with the diaper changing at this point though (Thank God!). I made the silliest rookie mistake! I checked the diaper on the play mat not too smart. On top of which I didn't have a new one handy. Rookie mistake. I opened that diaper, the cool air hit that kiddo and a fountain ensued.

We got cleaned up and put down a fresh blanket, but I felt so silly. That little squirt was pretty darn pleased too. I've had a refresher course now so to all those new babies in my life I've got your number. I'm going to be a quick draw on those diapers.

It's funny how quickly the day to day routine we get used to becomes a hazy memory. I can hardly remember pregnancy. I remember some of Riley's early days, but not as well as I used to. I don't carry a diaper bag, or feed anyone each bite of their supper. Strange, I know I did those things, but I don't remember.

What I do remember clear as crystal is Riley's first belly laugh. I remember when she crawled for the first time. I remember when she only said "Duck" for everything. I remember the first time she said "I wuv you mommy." I remember her first tu-tu. I remember her reaction to her first birthday cake. Sigh...At least those moments don't seem to fading yet.