Muscle Memory

One small movement of the wrist, one tiny swoosh and I was overcome with unwelcome memory fragments. I knew rationally that this was not the same. Didn't I? Yes, I understood that this was an inconvenience and a completely other context. By the third failed attempt to swipe my card, my emotions were raw and way too near the surface. I inhaled sharply and the nice man set my things aside. He didn't seem angry or judgmental at all, but I was feeling old overpowering emotions and could no longer connect my thoughts.

Thank God, I was not alone. My sister ushered me to a chair and I shoved my phone and the offending card at her. I was very aware the semi-numb feeling was keeping the tears at bay. "It’s not the same." The same as what? The frustrating answer from the curt customer service representative meant more work, phone calls and time. I started making the calls just to feel like I was doing something.

I snapped out of my fog when I heard my sister asking the cashier for my things that had been set aside. I had to make a decision right then. I forced a weak smile and paid for the items. It seemed strange to be acting as if nothing had happened. I may have even apologized to the cashier although neither of us had done anything wrong. Strange.

The sunlight hit my eyes with an uncomfortable intensity when we exited and I had the feeling we had been in that store for days. I was again grateful not to be alone. No telling if I could have made the short journey home with my head reeling this way. Could I let it go, I wondered? Not without knowing exactly what "it" was. What the hell was the matter with me?

My seat belt clicked far too loudly and the car was taking too long to move. It was no big deal, right? So, I got excited and shopped for things I wouldn't have and the silly gift card didn't work. So, it was embarrassing. Everything will be fine I’ll get the money back. At least I had the money in my bank account….Oh! Oh.

Now I knew. All at once, I was standing at the checkout counter two years ago trying to buy a frozen pizza for the kids to eat before trick or treating. My card isn't working. I don’t have enough in the account. I’m humiliated. I have no idea what we will eat tonight. I have to put back the pizza. I have to borrow a few bucks later (which I pay back in 48hrs) to buy another pizza at a different store. In the years since I have never gone back in there.

That was the end of a dark time. It was the last time that ever happened. I vowed that day, never to let it happen again. I found a way and I tried to forget, until today. Today made me remember. Today brought back that moment in blinding clarity and all those feelings of frustration, pain and shame. We fought so hard and survived so much worse than that, but that was the day I knew I had to do more. Stupid, horrible memories of counting change to buy diapers and not having enough were now pushing on the edges of my brain.

That’s over now, I tell myself. I've started to cry. "It just all came back." I explain now completely annoyed with myself. I take a few deep breaths and compose myself before climbing out of the car. Reality. I tell myself to snap out of it. It’s all over I keep repeating. As I pass my dining room table I glance over at and the stack medical bills, that outnumbered the Christmas cards this past month, and I feel sick. It could be that way again.

I give myself a moment to wallow in the fear, but only a moment. I sweep the leaning tower of bills out of sight and take a deep breath. I work hard to keep it from happening again. Time to hug my kids and be damn grateful for where I am now.

3rd & 4th Day: 30 Days of Gratitude

Day 3: We are eating lunch outside on the patio in November!

Day 4: I hit a couponing milestone today. It seems I've cut my weekly shopping trips from $40 when I started couponing (a little over a year ago) to $20 now! Both of these trips were $18 totals for $60+ retail value of groceries. I've definitely come a long way. I had been feeling so much guilt about having surgery and not being able to shop or cook. Then when I did feel better I was ashamed that my stockpile was gone. It took me a while to realize that's what it was there for! My family ate pretty well while I was healing. There were minimal store trips for Mike to make during that time which we're both thankful for! Most importantly, there wasn't a single morning with nothing for breakfast before school or lunch packed without fruit. So, good job me. I'm so grateful that I've not only learned, but continued to improve these skills. I love it you can see hard work paying off!

Set Backs and Forward Motion

I got a call about the ultrasound results and they were "clear" when I asked if the doctor wanted to see me she said, “No”. I assumed we'd just wait and see if the pain returned. It did (x3) and I called to find out what to do next. I was afraid she would tell me to go to a specialist. She did.

I've decided to wait until after the birthday party, Thanksgiving and surgery to do something about it. It was totally one of those I know it's coming, but I jumped anyway moments (not that my life's a horror movie). I'm not in the mood to think too deeply about it today.

I've been reading/listening to books on couponing from the library. I also got a second pantry (on sale with a gift card, of course) and I upgraded my coupon binder to this (isn't it pretty):

This week I scored some adorable Dora and SpongeBob wrapping paper for free. I'm getting really excited for Christmas. I have abandoned Toys-R-Us forever because they refused to honor the wording on my coupon and were rude about it. Technically, it was a last straw situation after 3 or 4 attempts to obtain toys they no longer/never carried (that I found elsewhere cheaper anyway). Then when I described the incident to customer service they emailed me a copy-and-paste-d section of their website FAQ's without ever specially mentioning my issue (let alone answering my question or apologizing). So, screw them! Target price matches anyway.

I've been scoring deals left and right (and keeping my mind off surgery and such). I'm very happy about the way things are going and aside from Toys-R-Us being dumb and I've only had one other incident. I ordered a bunch of great Christmas gifts from a website having an amazing sale. I even got a confirmation email. I strutted around all proud that most of my Christmas shopping was done, for about a week. Then I tried to check my order status and found out it didn't exist anymore. I followed up twice before I got someone willing to re-do the order with sale pricing. I was told that only one item was sold out. Again, I was relieved and proud of myself that I had navigated the whole mess and gotten most of what I needed. Except, they cancelled my order again a few days later. I give up I will have to find other gifts for those 6 people...sigh. At least my kids are done.

I've got everything I needed for the birthday party and Thanksgiving using sales and coupons though. Now how do I use coupons for a live Christmas tree? Another milestone this week was sending out my first two rebates, woo hoo! Three if you count my two free Coke-a-Cola Polar Bear Bowls from Dollar General.

Couponing!

It started when Riley was born. We were in a difficult place and I refused to buy things like diapers without deals and coupons (first by necessity and then stubbornness.) Then things got better and I forgot all about that single-minded determination to save money. That is until now. Last week Mike made a MAJOR purchase. We got a 3D TV, 3D Blu-ray player and 2 family packs of glasses. He waited for a sale and used gift cards, but it was an upset for sure and there have been so many "upsets" lately for one reason or another. As fate would have it, on the first day of the new fancy TV I saw my first episode of Extreme Couponing.

I assumed it was one of those laugh at/pity the weirdos kind of shows, but I was fascinated. I watched every episode I could get my hands on and instead of making me laugh at the freaks, it made me feel lazy. I used each episode as a learning opportunity. Once I'd seen the show I hit Google looking for couponing blogs. My two favorites currently are My Frugal Adventures and Addicted to Savings. You don't have to follow blogs you can simply Google: "__________ matchups" for each of your favorite stores. You can figure a lot out just by looking through the sale ads (which are ALL available online).

So far I've learned a lot. The first step in saving money can be achieved by anyone, even without the full time commitment couponing requires, PAY ATTENTION. Sounds simple, but how often do you march into a store any old day and time and throw stuff in your cart without a glance at the signs? How often do you zone out at check out and swipe your card without even registering your total? For me those bad habits were constant. Warning: Once you start paying attention you can't stop and it begins to cause physical pain when you pay more than you should.

I've learned you have to shop at more than one store. Sales are the best way to maximize your coupon value. Grocery stores change sales on Weds and big box stores every Sunday. Pay attention to dates on circulars though because occasionally they have 3 day sales, etc. Most grocery stores in Florida do not double coupons or allow overages. They cover up to the value of each item. Most accept one store and one manufacturer coupon per item. A lot of stores take competitors coupons (Target, Sweetbay, Publix), but CVS will not.

I've hit a couple milestones in the few weeks I've applied myself to couponing. I spent less than I saved, I scored free items with clever coupon use and I've officially organized my coupon binder. I've started (this week) making meal plans based on grocery store sales and what we've got stocked up. It's exciting, but so much work. It's taken a physical toll on me already, going to 2-3 stores a week (sometimes two trips), but I think it's also good physical therapy.

The Pluses

• Save Money
• Sticking it to the Man
• Clearing Unwanted Stock for the Stores
• Building a Safety Net for the Tight Times/Emergencies
• Feeling in Control
• Fulfilling Primal Gathering Impulse
• Curbs Impulse Buying
• Encourages Organization of Grocery Items at Home (no more letting things expire)
• Social opportunities (trading, passing on of coupons and deals)
• Team Building Experience for the Family- "We're all in this together"
• You Eat Healthier (Because you're not caught unprepared running out for fast food as much and because there's lots to choose from).

Minuses

• Full Time Job Hours
• Heavy Binder Lugging
• Anxiety at Register (coupon/sale item not ringing up, math errors, etc)
• Physically Demanding (2-6 store trips a week, lifting heavy things into cart/car)
• Math Intensive
• Stress About Expiration Dates, Sales ending, etc
• Stress About Wasting Money
• The People Behind You in Line (buying a lot of sales items and forking over a coupon for every item on the belt doesn't win you friends).
• Checkout with Children in Tow Becomes Impossible.
• Requires Investment in Additional Storage

A bottom line to remember: Good deals and stocking up on things your family uses is smart, but don't buy something you don't need/use because it's on sale that defeats the purpose. It's always better to spend less money.

We're stocked up on soap, deodorant, dish soap, toothpaste, pet foods, feminine hygiene products, toilet paper, side dishes and cereal now. This week I'm in search of laundry detergent, paper towel and lunch item deals. It's very discouraging at first, but I'm happy overall at our new direction. Maybe we won't be out of debt and stockpiled for a year in the immediate future, but maybe it's not as far off as it seemed before.

Containment

So, I'm showing my age here, but when I think about baby containment I think of Rugrats. I wanted to get Riley the same style enclosure for our house. Something versatile that we could completely do without, use inside or outside and set up various configurations. I knew it was time to think about baby gates with my impending surgery, but the other day she crawled across the floor and opened a drawer. She hadn't intended to open it at all she want to pull herself up to standing and...it opened. She was thrilled! She sat there smiling and opening and closing the drawer for 10min. Thunk...ha!...thunk...squeal...thunk...hee...thunk

Time for a baby gate.

So my BabyRUS coupons had the good sense to arrive that day offering 15% of baby gates, 50% off the extension to the gate I wanted and 20% any baby item. I thought perfect I'll just order it online with all the discounts. I'm not driving very much at the moment and those things are very heavy. It was a complicated mind numbing ordeal trying to use my coupons on line. Apparently, when the website says maximum of 3 discounts per order they don't mean use can use 3 different discounts on multiple items like I was trying to do. They mean you can get the same item with the same exact discount discount 3 times. Anyone else think that's completely stupid?

So, armed with customer services' assurances that you can only stack coupons in store I decided to enlist help and pick it up in person. I'd also like to say in my defense that the flyer with the coupons specifically said "price with discount and coupon." I'm sorry to harp on all this but people who make my life more difficult really piss me off lately.

On the plus side the Super Yard comes fully assembled. I had read my friend's blog about her baby gate assembly requiring a screw driver so I was weary. Not that I'm not capable just too

tired to concentrate. So, we put it up not so much in the officially sanctioned hexagon shape, but more of a screwed up triangle.

Riley liked the novelty of it at first. She could pull herself up on it and cruise around in there. It's really sturdy unlike the empty clothes hamper she pulled down on herself trying to stand up the other day. But the honeymoon was over pretty quickly. I like that the mess is contained (aka I won't trip over it) and the baby's safe from speeding 7yr olds.

It has a "door" which requires some serious coordination to open, up on one side down on the other at the same time. We decided to actually open it as little as possible to deter Isaac from trying to get in there. So, for now I have to entice the baby to stand and then pull her out. I was advised to find a way to contain the baby before my surgery and to consult an occupational therapist before I'm discharged from the hospital so I can figure out the best way to lift the baby without derailing my healing. I'm not super optimistic about it after two days of scooping her out of her pen.

It's just another example of God's sense of humor like the baby finally rolling around and needing the crib bumpers at the same time she figures out grabbing so she can promptly rip them down. Riley because mobile enough to need containment which means she minds being contained for the first time in her life. I guess she'll be more content when we round of her little gang of babies and they can escape on fun adventures and make it back just in time for the adults to never susept..

Day 3 of Pump and Dump 2010

Today was same old same old minus the engorgement (not that they're not sore or that I'm comfortable). I'm still sad and Riley is still having a complete meltdown about 6 times a day. The change is that today I "tried" to embrace my freedom (as much as I can pumping every two hours).

First I rushed everyone out the door this morning because I got an email about a great one day diaper sale and they were supposed to be doing a "diaper demo." In bold print at the bottom of the email it said FREE GIVEAWAYS and in very small print while supplies last. I got my diapers and dashed over to the demo which was exactly the one they do in the tampon ads with the blue liquid. We all waited patiently through the less than thrilling display and then the lady next to me said "So, is there a free giveaway." The woman doing the demo said "oh, your going to LOVE this." and tossed out little inflatable balls that say Pampers on them. Oh, Hurray so glad we rushed here for that. Why do I always think I'll get diapers? Nope a ball. The whole walk around the store Riley was drinking a formula bottle by herself. I have to admit it was nice to walk a store without the blanket tent over the eating baby who is mad about the heat and missing everything.

Later that night after I'd expressed wanting to "enjoy my freedom" and actually starting a book (not a parenting magazine but an honest to goodness fictional work) I asked Mike to take Riley with him to the store. Mike has a habit of adding errands to his trips once he's out the door. He was just going to pick up dinner at the grocery store which is about a 5min drive from our house. Off they went. I pumped, read some of my book and watch an hour of tv and when I started to feel the need to pump again I started to worry. I texted and got no response, I called and got voicemail. Maybe it's because I'm used to feeling like it's time to feed the baby and hearing that elsewhere Riley wanted to eat. Maybe it was just the deprivation of breastfeeding making me emotional. Maybe I was just really tired and hungry and dinner was taking far too long. Whatever the reason I had a bit of a meltdown and regretted requesting that I be allowed to enjoy my freedom.

More than once through this ordeal I've wished I could be pregnant again and have Riley all to myself. She's only getting bigger and more independent. Maybe that's what parenting is, paradoxes like sad liberation.

Coupon Betrayal

So, I've written before about my obsession with coupons since becoming a mother well today was a sad, sad day couponwise. It wasn't an expired coupon or one that can only be used at a certain store (other than the one I was in). Attack of the fine print seriously. I had two diaper coupons that could only be used at Publix from the baby club program. One was for $5 off Huggies, but I'd already noticed that one was for size 3-6 diapers. Riley just started wearing size 2 48hrs ago so that's a long way off. I figured that was no big deal because I had a better coupon for $10 any two boxes of Huggies. Guess what size the boxes start at at Publix, yup 3. Fuckers!! I buy boxes from Sweetbay, ToysRUs and Target all the way down to newborn. I mean come on folks...

Grumble, grumble. Is it sad that this was such an event in my day I felt the need to write about it during my "me time"? Sigh...

Coupons, Showers and Other Changes

So, I've always been pretty "financially aware", but since Riley's arrival I have been obsessed with coupons. She's not super expensive or anything. Because of the breast feeding and all the great clothes and linens we were given, diapers are about the only regular expense. But, I find myself going out of my way to use a good coupon. Once I went to Walgreens the day a diaper coupon was going to expire when I didn't need them because it was $2 off. Well, I always need diapers. There's only been one trip to the store when I didn't have a coupon for them and I felt incredibly sad. Is it an extension of the primal gather function woman are supposed to have? Or a nesting thing having to do as much stuff as possible for the baby? Who knows...

So along with buying things without coupons the daily shower is a mythical event from my past. I now get about...well less than that. Sometimes I decide to bathe Riley so I can get in with her. A lot of times if I have a few minutes and I have to choose between sleeping and showering that's always tough and no matter what I choose I always wish I done the other.

Another change is I no longer receive gifts for me, I get gifts to help me raise a baby. Somehow I think this one is an age thing. I got stuff for the kitchen for Christmas and this afternoon Mike bought me a Stoneware crockpot, which I'm thrilled about! I really do love all of it, but when I was younger and single I certainly didn't receive kitchenware, linens or baby clothes. Especially baby clothes. There's a good example of the difference between age and maturity (which I observe often living with 2 boys) I get these things as gifts because I'm older, but I love getting them because I'm more mature than I used to be. I'm at least in a different phase of life, but maybe that's what maturity is.

It's good to have less showers, me time, presents for myself, attention, and more demands on my time because she's totally worth it!!