Labels...

For the less Internet savvy there's a commonly used abbreviation for what I have become: SAHM, stay at home mom. I personally have never referred to myself as a sahm or (cringe) "a homemaker." I usually say, "I get to be with Riley". Which is my first priority and the whole reason I find myself in what I previously saw as kind of an out dated role. I can't stand the idea of being away from Riley right now. For the record I can't stand the idea of my existence revolving around diapers and feedings forever, either. I need to be with my one and only little baby right now. It's not that I accept societal gender roles or feel any obligation to run a home for Mike it's just what I need right now.

I'm so grateful to be able to do it right now. The stars truly aligned to grant me some precious time to be with my baby. I have a lot of respect for the women who always knew this is what they wanted. Most of them do it far better than I do. I'm just less sure of who I am in this role. I loved my single days because anything was possible and now although the future seems brighter everyday it's alot more predictable. I'm very happy, but I struggle with that contentment because the girl I was two years ago could never see herself here.

The universe got smaller. I used to accomplish huge things now a trip to the grocery store, a clean house and a happy baby are the peak of success. I used to introduce myself as Katie, but now I have to add "Riley's mom" in most situations. It's strange. I guess I'm afraid to get lost under all the labels and the "supposed to"s of things. I'm afraid my life won't ever be mine again. I grieve for the dreams I feel I deserted in full swing and hope I can truly be at peace where I am. Which of course is the universe's cue to turn things upside down.

I am certainly no Donna Reed, but I'm no Peg Bundy either. I have smaller goals these days, but I work hard. I have quieter evenings, but I get out. I have different friends, but I have them. Maybe saying what you're afraid out loud takes away it's power and I'm on my way to achieving (or accepting) balance. I have never wanted nothing to change and everything to change so much in my life.

In the end I am grateful beyond words for this time to get to know this person I created. So very grateful that Mike is happy at his new job and we're stable. So happy that opportunities have opened up for all of us. So, glad to be whatever it is I am now, I just don't have a label for the emotion or the stage of life.