I Hope You Dance

Today was Riley's second dance class and I hoped that the crowd would be smaller, the weather better and Riley's enthusiasm as high. All three wishes were granted, plus I got smart about parking and it was way easier to leave this week.

Ready to roll!

This time I didn't sit under the window pressing my face and camera to the glass. I kissed my big girl on her head and sat on the other side of the lobby area. I read my book and waited for the shoe change. They do tap the last ten minutes of every class. Riley's big girl buddy (aka teacher's assistant) walked her out to me for shoe switching. There was a pleasant surprise this week: the moms were all invited in with our cameras to watch them do their tap choreography.

Boogie Woogie is my favorite move hands down. So cute! And speaking of cute...

It's been such an interesting experience for me. I've been very proud of how she's handled herself and how much she seems to glean from each class. I wonder though how many weeks I'll feel like the new kid among all those Mommies who know each other from having older kids in other classes. I still put on make-up every class. I never cared at her old class because I had Boo's mom. On top of that I talked to everyone which didn't work for me the first week here. I'm sure we'll all get into a routine before summer classes end.

I also addressed the fact that almost no one else was following dress code. Ms Amy said Riley can wear her leotards with attached skirts so long as they don't become a distraction. Fingers crossed she does alright in one of them next week because she loves them.

Your Mom Could Beat Up My Mom!

I was reading a friend's blog (not a fellow blogger I now consider a friend although we've never met, but a friend-in-real-life's web log.) and she mentioned her precocious little 5 year old daughter's dramatic accusation that she had not won the jumping competition at camp that day because her mother never taught her how. Her mother, like myself, has CP. I pondered this a long minute after I read it. I used to worry as a child that if I ever had kids they would grow up and resent my disability one day. I decided as a kid that a)I was awesome and b)I was NEVER having kids.

Clearly, I was at least half wrong there. Funny, I never stressed over what Riley would make of my physical ineptitude for anything athletic or requiring balance. Maybe it was the fact that Mike already had a very active 5yr old when we met. I had to adapt quickly. I didn't teach Isaac to ride a bike, that was a job for his dad, but I did teach him to swing by himself and tie his shoes. He seemed to have the physical milestones well in hand.

I just needed to teach him the stuff I was good at. Fine. Good. Mike can do the running and jumping. I never thought about how balanced we are in that way. Just last weekend we took Riley to a gymnastics birthday party. I got her ready to party and then socialized and took pictures. Mike jumped, flipped, ran and climbed.

One day, surely the kids will realize that I'm different than the other moms. They will probably even resent it at some point, but all parents (aka human beings) have strengths and weaknesses. My mother certainly never taught us sports of any kind and she was perfectly able bodied. I resented my parents not being cooler or having more money briefly over the course of my adolescence. So, my kids can go for the easy, obvious failings if they so choose.

I have moments like the other day when Isaac asked why we never go to the beach, when I feel a bit guilty. Any post surgery, injury or exhaustion moment when my kids are full of energy, that I feel mopey. On the honeymoon when all Mike wanted to do was snorkel and I epically failed (and then childishly whined about it), I felt guilty. Doesn't he deserve a wife that can snorkel? Don't the kids deserve a mom who can play at the beach? Or ride bikes with them? Sure they do.

The reality is they don't have one of those. Just like they don't have a mom who can reach the top of the fridge without a step stool. They have me and I get the job done. They have a dad who can run, jump, flip, etc so they're lucky that way. Mike and I balance each other in lots of ways. Do they deserve a dad who doesn't feel anxiety meeting the other parents? Probably, but that don't have one. I pick up the slack there and no one misses out on much.

I suppose it's all well and good to ponder it as a hypothetical. I imagine it will be much more emotional when Riley accuses me of ruining her life because I can't help her with her pliés or pirouettes. Somehow it will be my fault when Isaac, who is currently going through an incredibly spoiled sport phase, doesn't win some kind of physical competition or doesn't get to go on a class trip because I'm just not capable of supervising a spelunking expedition. It will sting, but I'm only as perfect a parent as I am a human being. I have done and will do everything I can to make sure their childhoods' are full of new experiences, but please don't ask me to take them to the beach by myself, UGH.

Mommy Kudos: Birthday Party Edition

Hot May day? Shady playground adjacent pavilion, check. Platters of both flavors of Uncrustables for the kiddos (genius), check. Bubbles and coloring books, check. Water balloon baseball, heck yeah!

10,000 times better than a pinata? You betcha. Those soggy sluggers had a blast. Everyone got to be entertained while they waited their turns. Youngest to oldest could all participate. I'm so stealing this one Miss Mel! I'm thinking water balloons suspended on strings and decorated like squids for Isaac's next party. A backyard full of water balloons and little boys with bats, how much fun will that be. Plus Riley's a pro now so she can give big brother some tips.

We weren't bombarded with structured activities, the kids just played. Hula hoops, playground, bubbles, water balloons and friends. Fun stuff. She even had some face painting (washable paint and a willing Daddy to apply it.). Getting your face painted is a very serious thing according to Miss Riley. She looked like a gunslinger squinting into the sun getting her pink and white butterfly applied.

It was a great day. There was a Dora cake and cupcakes! Riley loved hers. There were noise makers too. Miss Mel made girl goody buckets and boy versions too. Smart, smart mom. Riley's purple Dora "baskick" had a purple wand, lip gloss, sparkle nail polish, colored goldfish crackers in a Dora ziploc, Dora fruit snacks, a ring, a Dora whistle and stickers. A+ goodies. Epic fail on my part NOT taking custody of it for the ride home (sorry about the nail polish on the car seat Mrs. D). Good time had by all check!!

Kudos to you Miss Mel!!

Embracing the Inner Nerd

Who am I kidding? It's not inner at all. Maybe it's slightly less obvious though.

My kids really never had much of a shot at being cool.

Real World Vs Cyperspace

Nerdiness aside I spend a lot of time on the computer. I spent a LONG time after the spinal fusion not able to leave the house. I got better by inches but my tolerance for being out very long is about on par with my toddler's. If I over do it I pay in either case. So, I got used to a pretty self-contained universe. As social as I am by nature, I adjusted by finding an online family of mommies to chat with. When Christmas came last year I did all my shopping on Ebay or Amazon. I started watching streaming movies. And recording my life in blog format.

Even with the tolerance of an almost two year old, I have begun venturing out again. Trips to the store, the mall or a restaurant. Non-doctor's appointment outings, finally. Better still in the last two weeks I have started to venture out for short trips without Riley. It's a whole new world all the sudden. A few times I have run an errand with Riley, she fell asleep in the car and I dropped her at home. She slumbered peacefully while Daddy worked and Mommy got to have lunch or something.

I'm just remembering the gratification of going into a store picking something out and bringing it home. For a long time I would have thought I need a dress for X and I would serve the web and order one without it ever crossing my mind to go in person. Today, I went for a pedicure near by while Riley slept and as I left the mall a dress caught my eye and then a bracelet, etc. I didn't buy anything by just to be inside an actual structure looking at real objects was gratifying. I miss watching movies in the theater with an audience (without kids running by or climbing on me).

I'm even reconnecting with some of my friends without kids, lately. Finding time to chat on the phone or even make plans to go places. It's incredible. I took a lot of freedom for granted when I was single. I'm just regaining small pieces of my shattered social life here and there. It's good to give Mike practice getting the kids dressed and out the door or bathed and in bed. Also 2yrs of two kids and no breaks fried some of my circuits.

In the outside world there is face to face interaction instead of instant message and email where inflections can be entirely miscommunicated. There are tactile and tangible experiences. There is instant gratification. It has it's pitfalls too, but having a baby you stay home with is like being institutionalized. I was used to a routine of snacks, naps, play times and meals, but I forgot there's a whole world of people who aren't. People who move freely and at will without worrying about getting home for naps. For an hour here and there I get to go out without worrying about someone else's needs.

Here's to baby steps out into the real world...

Not Far From the Tree

Apparently, blogger ate the orginal incarnation of this post. Gone. So, here I sit wondering if it's worth it to rewrite my cute little post with pictures of tiny me and Riley.

Recently I came across a treasure trove of childhood photos and I was struck by how much they made me think of Riley. I don't just mean looks, it's attuitudes, expressions and so on. See for yourself.

Cute little pig-tailed me with braces that velcro around the waist. "Who me? I would never steal a soda."

Cute little pig-tailed Riley. "Who me? I would never steal your ball."

Who's cuter me or the puppy?

Riley's an animal lover too, even the concrete ones.

I am too cool for this picture and my yellow sunglasses.

Riley is also too cool.

Investigating a football.

investigating her brother's scooter. Note her Godzilla onesie and ballet slipper socks, so me.

Pensive little me.

Pensive little mini me.

Boundaries and You...

When Riley was 6mo old I wrote a post about boundaries and my then still small baby. Notably one horrific incident when someone crossed the line. Recently my friend Kati wrote about the same disturbingly-insistent-on-helping-not-taking-no-for-an answer behavior in one of her posts. I went back and read my old post and fumed at "the nerve of some people" a little while later, when another disabled mom friend of mine (it's not like a club or anything I know four of them tops from my 29yrs on the planet) posted this. This left me really pondering the root of this kind of behavior because while Kati and I have little ones 2yrs or under, Misty has a 4yr old. I always believed people acted this way around my newborn and myself because she was so tiny and helpless. If I was right, it would stop some day. After reading Misty's post I had my doubts.

Doubts and questions to be exact. So much for getting credit for raising my child through infancy. First of all on a completely unrelated note why do all the disabled moms I know (yes all 4) have girls? Second of all why do people make such brazen assumptions? Is it because we are physically disabled women? I don't know any disabled daddies to research that quandry, so it's kind of a moot point. Maybe it's because we're all young? All this seems too general and over simplified.

Moreover, on what planet do you politely offer your help, get refused and then insist? Especially in my example where it involved a strange man removing Riley from the carrier on my chest and walking several feet away with her?!? Even in a case where your help is accepted why would you (Sorry, Misty's story makes me a little ill) stalk someone and undermine their parenting authority? What could you possibly be thinking? When would you ever barge into the parent/chlid relationship of a stranger (other than a case of child abuse)?

Kati makes an important point, about this behavior whatever your intentions are when you insist or clearly overstep social boundaries you are making us feel judged. I take care of my child everyday and you are insinuating that I am incompetent. I am a mother first, if at anytime I feel incapable of safely taking my child somewhere, I don't go. Most of the time I either have a system in place or I'm feeling it out and it's important for me to get my bearings.

Think of it this way (an exxageration so everyone can relate to the embarrasment), you're out somewhere and you see an attractive person of the opposite gender. You get an opportunity to hold the door and you are you greeted with a warm smile. Feeling encouraged, you follow them inside. They do not acknowledge/encourage you in anyway at this point so you follow them around "just in case." When they leave you follow them to their car and try to hold that door too. They say "no thanks" and turn their back to you. You're not deterred and insist on opening the car door AND buckling them in. Hmmm...wonder why they're not smiling?

If you wouldn't do it to another parent, why would you do it to me? I love it when someone holds the door for me when my hands are full. I appreciate a friendly offer, but no means no folks. Just like hitting on strangers in bars, there are boundaries.

This Is the Thing

I altered the "disabled child area" sign to make a point. I expect way too much of myself. I hate asking for help. I want to do it all myself, but I can't. Give me a break society's expectations of mothers, Martha Stewart, perceived judgments of strangers, and most of all my own ridiculous standards. I didn't get this way by myself. I taught the people around me not to offer help until I ask for it and myself to be ashamed to ask.

I'm working on giving myself a break here. Feel free to offer assistance or moral support. Life is super hard right now.

Dun Dada Super Mom...

I've been feeling really down about how little I've accomplished as far as the move. Mondays are my days sans kids (until 4p). Mondays are also the day the cleaning lady comes. Today I asked my mom to come over too. I was bound and determined to live up to my standards of productivity.

Mike got the kids their breakfast and I stayed in bed an extra ten minutes. It was really thrilling. After the boys went out the door I took the opportunity to blog while Riley finished eating. Once breakfast ended I hit the ground running.

I let the cleaning lady in and packed Riley's whole book shelf and the rest of her closet. I had her load the boxes into my car. I told her my mom would be over to start laundry for me in about 20min and took Riley to day care. I dropped off Riley with all her best friends. She's such a big girl she walks from the car by herself now. (And she's not the only one her friends sleeping in beds now too).

I left her in more than capable hands and made off with a bunch of empty diaper boxes. After I left I raced off to the new house to drop the boxes off that I packed earlier. I checked in that everything was ok at home on the way. Obviously, I can't lift a box of books so I used my wheelchair like a luggage cart. I wheeled it up to the door and slid the box on and then pushed it into the house. Once I got them inside I unloaded them rather then try to get them off of the chair.

When I got home I sat down for a minute answering questions about laundry, etc from the couch. I was building a to-do list in my head when Mike messaged me to please call about transferring utilities and turning on internet. I made those calls and got everything squared away and then packed some more boxes of the kids' stuff. After that I took some baby stuff to consignment and donated some things. I also (with help from mom) returned our cable boxes and set up our disconnection at the old house. After that I swung by the hardware store for a copy of the house key and more rollers.

I was pretty pleased with myself when we got home. I folded laundry for awhile and then I started dinner while mom ran to get Isaac from his after school science program. By the time he got home dinner was ready and waiting. Bless his heart, he had standardized testing all day today. He had to sit still and be quiet from 8:30a until 2:50p which is not his strong suit. He still came in and got through homework, dinner and changing clothes with time to spare before TaeKwonDo.

We dropped off Isaac and went to meet Mike at the new house with his new key. He wasn't there when we got there so we decided to get Riley first. She was having so much fun she didn't want to leave. It was sweet. Normally, when she doesn't want to leave somewhere I say, "Hey, Riley do you want to go see Dada?" and she heads for the door as quick as her tiny feet can go. This time she said "no." Grandma had to carry her out the door.

We went back to the new house to let Mike in and unloaded the boxes we brought over. Riley's whole closet from the old house plus her book shelf fits in her new closet with room to spare. After a brief meeting about base board color in the family room I was off to get Isaac.

Somehow we managed to get everyone home and bathed and in bed on time. Before my mom left she informed me that we are a half load away from having finishing all the laundry in the house. Amazing.

Hurray, productive day! I felt like myself again, probably for the first time since I got pregnant. It was amazing. Maybe things will be better all around from now on or maybe I won't be able to move tomorrow...It was worth it either way.

After demanding my partner validate my accomplishments today. I have completed my post for tonight despite my computer freezing, restarting and turning itself off repeatedly and have began my mental list for tomorrow: change address with NetFlix, return library books, clean out Isaac's room, pack more boxes....etc.

I asked Mike when the day was when I got to take a nap while someone else packed/painted and watched the kids and he said, "I think you're thinking of May."

Mrs. Cellophane

Today I was invisible, ineffectual and unimportant. "You can look right through me walk right by me and never know I'm there." I'll do jazz hands later.

I got all the basic needs met for the kiddos. I thought maybe it was going to be a good day, for a Monday. Riley and the universe were in on the cosmic psych headed my way. Little Miss Roo came to me with a book picked up her sippy cup and lead the way to her room. Mommy's dream come true, right? She climbed in to her bed and waited for me to read her story. She had her story, her sippy cup of water, a doze of Tylenol (teething),and was all snuggled in 15min later.

Inspired by the easy nap time I got out of my pajamas and into some real clothes a mere 4hrs after the kids were dressed. I crawled around the living room picking up toys and set the Roomba loose. All the sudden after laying quietly in her bed all that time Riley was now wailing at the baby gate in her doorway. Ignore her I thought. Finish what your doing, she'll settle down. It's always a hundred times harder to get Riley to nap when Isaac's home not napping. As far as settling done, wrong.

She was an unattractive shade of red, almost purple, and screaming when I finished what I doing and turned around. She also somehow had managed to get the Tylenol that I left "out of reach" on the changing table. Stupid teeth. I went to the gate and told her to go lay down and she tearfully obliged climbing all the way up to her pillow. My poor girl. I came in once she was laying down and rubbed her hand until she fell asleep.

It's hard to keep a stir crazy 8yr old quiet during nap time. I resorted to bribery. I gave him candy. For the record I should have known that was a stupid plan. Now it was mid-day, pouring rain and he was sugared up and louder than ever. We had company as soon as Riley was up and finished with lunch. Riley and Isaac were both super clingy. Riley was clingy to me. Isaac was clingy to the company he'd never met before.

It was strange to meet my mom's childhood friend. Isaac decided if everyone in the room wasn't laughing or praising him he hadn't spoken loud enough. So at raising levels of volume he exclaimed things like "They LICK their eyeballs!" or "I know about giant squids". It was hard to follow anything that was going on because Riley was glued to me and insisted we read a book. I was relieved when they left it felt so chaotic.

The weather was awful, Isaac was hyper, Riley was teething and the living room was "mostly clean" so at that point I gave up. I turned on an episode of 30 Rock and send Riley to play with her brother. I kept looking at the clock thinking "it has to later than that. The kids were making a huge mess and lots of noise but not killing each other so I didn't care. All that looking at the clock..

I knew Isaac needed to be at TaeKwonDo at 6. I had reminded him at least 3 times over the course of the day. I blew it. I completely spaced. I got an upsetting phone call and I was anxious about a doctor's appointment the next day. My head wasn't in the game by evening. Isaac was surprisingly cool about it, but I had horrible guilt. Mike was completely unreachable for an hour and I was starving by the time he got home.

I was trying to explain how I hadn't felt like anyone was listening to me all day, but he was completely distracted and didn't hear me. Ugh, maybe I'll be "back" tomorrow...

Spring Break Your Mother's Back

When I was growing up I loved long breaks from school. I was thrilled to play all day. Especially because when I was growing up long breaks from school meant Christmas or Easter were days away. Super exciting.

As an adult my feelings about breaks from school are the exact opposite. I feel completely unprepared and overwhelmed. Oh, no! Spring break, again?!? Ugh. What will I do home with both kids for the whole week? I need to think of fun, cheap things to do that won't exhaust or injure me. The pressure has increased since Isaac started kindergarten. It takes a lot more to engage him and a lot less to hurt me. Plus now everything has to be appropriate for a toddler and a second grader.

It really is a hard age difference. I'm so happy they have each other, but it's tricky to give the right amount of encouragement and independence to each of them. For example when we go to the children's museum Riley comes with Mommy to the gated baby area where she can go anywhere she wants and can still be seen. Isaac is free to roam the rest of the first floor, but has to check in periodically. It's also a free trip because we're members. Short of the museum or playground there isn't much they can both do.

It is especially a problem now that spring break is a full month before Easter. There's a lot less fun goings on to keep the kids busy. Riley's not at an age where she can make though a movie in the theater. So, that leaves us with a trip to the museum, playground and possibly the Mall for an Easter Bunny photo later in the week and the rest is TBD. Netflix is helpful. Grandparents willing to steal them for an afternoon are a blessing. The rest, much like parenting in general, is a messy, chaotic, stressfully funny, making-it-up-as-you-go-along mystery.

Literary Little One

When I was single I read a book a week. I have a library card from every city I've lived in. I love the library. Lucky for the me my kids do too. I don't remember when I started reading books to Riley. I do remember the first time a Mommy friend made a comment about it and I felt guilty for not reading enough, she's was about 5mo old. It was a few months later that Riley began to "look at books" rather than solely teething on them.

Riley reading at the doctor's office. About eight months old.

Perusing the junk mail. Nine months old.

Like most other milestones she's on the fence about, her friends really encouraged her. They all love books. Riley has never harmed a book on purpose, except for one moment of frustration when she was teething. Sometimes she turns a page a little too enthusiastically, tries to move a piece of the pop-up image that doesn't move or wants to know where the fuzzy part of the book is coming from. She has never torn out pages, pulled covers off or colored in a book. She loves them and Mommy talks to her alot about not hurting books. Only 1/3 of her big brother's books survived his toodlerhood intact. He loves to read, but displays little respect for books themselves. I digress, Riley's friends all enjoy books.

Reading with Boo and Mr. C, the 3 musketeers. Eight months.
We used a pop-up book to lure all the babies to the couch for pictures of them in the Valentines shirts I made. Seventeen months.

Boo and Roo checking out Boo's favorite book,Dog. Eight months.

Riley started independently looking at board books. I had all the other books out of reach so we only looked at those together.

This set of sea themed board books were her first favorites. Ten months.

First priority book, second diaper. Eleven months.
Dr. Suessin' it up, eleven months.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar eats double lunches, plus snacks just like Riley! Starting on the classics at Grandpa's house. Eleven Months.

When Riley's first birthday came and two important thing happened: 1)She got a ton of great new books 2)We finally weaned. I decided she was old enough and moved all of her books within reach. I encouraged her to look at them by herself or with Mommy. Weaning actually reached completion a few weeks after her birthday, but books were a huge part of getting her to bed without nursing. Books became an important part of nap and bedtime routines.

Reading one her new birthday books with Grandma. Twelve months.

Reading the reigning favorite of all the books she owns, Giraffes Can't Dance, with Ya-ya. Twelve months.
My genius brushing up for the Scrabble world championship. Fifteen months.

Riley really started growing up fast after her birthday. She stopped breastfeeding entirely, started walking and got her big girl car seat. Sitting upright and facing front is a much more conducive position for reading. Also, much better for snapping pictures from the passenger seat.

Considering Little, Big on the way to a play date. Sixteen months.
Reading That Kind of Mother at seventeen months. Apparently it's so good it makes her toes curl.
Notice the tiny fingers and tuft of hair of my little book worm. Also, she's reading a library book resting on a library book. Reading in the waiting room while I had my MRI on St. Patty's Day. Notice her shiny pick tote bag, stylish.
One more from the same day. Yes, she's reading an Avon catalog. We brought four books, but apparently she was low on lip gloss. Eighteen months.

One of the toys Riley played with most was a hand-me-down musical book that plays nursery rhymes. It was a lifesaver in the car or waiting rooms.

Boo and Roo looking at the musical book together. Almost seventeen months.

Riley's daycare has "book time" after snacks and meals to give her daycare provider time to sweep before she puts the babies down. It started because there was a little one who won't sit still for stories so she started reading to the kids when everyone was strapped into their highchairs.

Riley reading at daycare. Almost seventeen months.

Riley and I read together a lot. Before naps and bedtime she insists on at least two renditions of a book. Good thing Mommy's a classically trained actress. During the day she'll pull one off the shelf and run to me signing or saying "peez" (sometimes both). Books and donuts are the things I consistently hear please for, she must be mine.

Reading a pop-up book at the children's museum. Sixteen months.

Reading the lift the flap book about the zoo together and realizing I have no idea what sounds giraffes and peacocks make...Eighteen months. Riley's tie for favorite book she owns I Love You, Stinky Face. Eighteen months

Switching to a big girl bed only intensified the need for reading before sleep. It was the part of the routine she liked best. I tried to keep things the same to ease the transition.

First order of business in her new bed? Read an Elmo book. Eighteen months.

Guest bedtime story reader, Aunt Jessie! Yup, that's Stinky Face, again. Eighteen months.

After any bedtime story worth its ink it is sleep time and sometimes during! Right now we're loving the How Do Dinosaurs series especially How do Dinosaurs Say Good Night.

Apparently, she fell asleep during one of Corduroy's more thought provoking adventures
It runs in the family. Isaac age eight years.