The Heatbreaking Part

I'm home now. I had my test I have the films, but the ortho refuses to see me until Tue!! Sigh.

Riley breast fed this morning before I left and then had an all breast milk bottle at 9:45-10 and then at noon she ate some veggie baby food and had a 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula bottle and was napping soundly when I got home.

I did my first big pump and dump (well I made Mike do the first dump) it's so depressing to dump 6oz down the drain. Ugh. But that I can handle. Even seeing my beautiful girl hold her own bottle and look so grown up. That hurts, but when I give her a bottle she still turns her head so she can see me. She still reaches for me and strokes my face and holds my shirt and I know I'm still needed and that she doesn't feel abandoned. All of that is painful, but I know it will pass.

What I'm not "handling" at all is all the tears. She used to use body language or a turn of her head to get fed, but now she indicates she's hungery and a bottle has to be warmed. She's in my arms and hungery and I'm not feeding her. She cried more today than she has in the last 6months. It's absolute torture. I cried with her twice already. I hate bottles for taking so long! God help me. I know she's a baby and they cry. I know this will be over soon. I know there's no "long term" memory forming. What I know is that I've been encouraged from certain sources to just "go ahead and ween" in light of all that's happening. I obviously don't agree, but sometime I'll have to. How in the world will I survive? It's only 5:30 and technically she didn't start bottles until 10am today and I'm in physical pain over the distress she's had to suffer so far.

How is it done? How do people stop? Is it different when it's your choice? I'm not even feeling half of what actually weening would be like because I'm pumping on her eating schedule. Between engorgement and heartbreak I can't imagine it. Maybe it just means it's not time for us.

To end on a positive note it's liberating to know anyone can feed the baby (would be more so if I wasn't pumping every 2hrs).