The Way We Were

It's been about 6mo since I weaned Riley. Amazing to think that I have made it 6mos passed an event I was convinced would never happen. Occasionally I have this strange sensation I equate to the phantom limb sensations amputees suffer. I'll be sitting on the couch and all the sudden I swear I just had let down.

Maybe, it's just things constricting because of cold or maybe a muscle memory. Who knows...I know it takes a while for hormones to regulate and the body to get with the program. I feel like a ghost of my former self especially up top.

I often miss breastfeeding when Riley has a bad fall or is teething. I sometimes envy my friends who still have that option in their arsenal. More often I miss my incredible rack. Overall at this point I am completely at peace with that part of the mother daughter relationship being over.

Recently I had a nightmare that Riley was hurt and crying. I scooped her up in my arms. I remember feeling crushed with stress and fear, but no idea what was going on. She was inconsolable. I held her and spoke softly, but to no avail. All the sudden she turned her teary face to me and latched on! I was stunned and I had no idea how to react. I knew she couldn't nurse anymore. I knew I should do something, but I had no idea what. I woke up completely confused.

What the heck does it mean? Am I unable to comfort my baby? Not maternal in some important way? Or more likely I'm clutching to a time that's over. The time when Riley was little. When I could get around before the pain became unbearable. The time when I wore my tiny baby in a carrier on my chest. The time when I could do a load of laundry and cook dinner myself. The golden period of being a "stay at home mom."

Just a theory

Well, That Was Easier Than I Thought

I didn't nurse Riley yesterday at all. I was super nervous about putting Riley to bed. I had asked Mike to put her down, but as usual there was a work crisis as soon as dinner was over.

I gave her a bath, put her pajamas on and instead of sitting in the rocker reading a book and nursing I put her directly in the crib (like I do for naps) and read a book there. When the book was done she just laid down. It was like "Ok, Mom I know the drill." I turned off the light and turned on the music. I rubbed her back for 2min and even though she was still awake when I left the room she barely even fussed for a second.

I don't know why I'm always so shocked when the plan works. Now all I have to do is stay the course. I can't believe it's over...

I am completely shocked it went so well and also at my lack of emotion. I mean I'm thrilled and proud and sad and afraid to believe it's true, but I shed actual tears the first time after my surgery she went to sleep at night in her own crib without tears. I think I'm still a little stunned and afraid to jinx it.

False Alarm

We are in the final stage weaning. We decided I would continue to nurse only right before bed until Sunday. I'm already starting to feel (and enjoy) my freedom a bit. I can get dressed any way I choose without worrying about easy access. I can wear my hair down. If I'm in pain (with a little preparation) I can take something.

Well, on that note I got my first bit of good news the other day. I have been having trouble with abnormal cervical cells for years now. Level 5 is cancer and my abnormal cells have remained consistently at level 4 since they were discovered. After countless tests and biopsies and being assured the next text would be normal for 4yrs and nothing ever changing they're gone. That's it. I'm back to normal.

I was also told there were signs of an infection brewing, but as I was asymptomatic at the time I put it right out of my head. Today I didn't feel well so I took something without even a passing thought. As soon as I'd done it I panicked. What if this wasn't breastfeeding safe? Could it be that I'd been so careful not to jeopardize breastfeeding through major back surgery and then I screwed it up now in the last days? How could I be so thoughtless?!?

Internet research told me that this was a class C drug (not safe while pregnant) with a half life of 30hrs so it would be in my system when I was ready to nurse the baby tonight for sure. I was so bummed. Mike insinuated that maybe I did it because I was subconsciously ready to be done. I don't think so. I really just didn't think about it and even though I was planning to be done breastfeeding in 48hrs I wanted the option.

In my heightened emotional state I vented to my online mommy group. Good thing. Many of the other mommies had been on the same medicine while breastfeeding with no problem. One of them referred me to the Jack Newman site. Which is an awesome resource and I'm sorry I found it so late in the game. It assured me that the drug was perfectly safe. I also remember the LeLeche League woman I had emailed with when I had to do the test with the contrast die. She amazingly responded within the hour even though it was a Saturday and told me that:
"According to Dr. Hale’s 2006 edition of Medications and Mother’s Milk, it is listed as an L2 for breastfeeding, meaning it has been studied in a limited number of breastfeeding mothers without adverse effects in the infant. It is listed by the AAP as “usually compatible with breastfeeding”. Given the age, weight, and frequency of breastfeeding of your toddler, there is no apparent indication to not breastfeed."

Phew! So be resourceful, but use the internet wisely. Drug information isn't written with breastfeeding in mind. I'm so glad I had one more night to cuddle and nurse my baby before bed.

The Plan, Stan

I decided weaning was the right choice and then I read this:
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/how_weaning_happens.html

I had intended to "see how it was done" to calm my apprehension about the two week window I have to work with. This information scared me to death. "Sudden Weaning" um, whoa! I don't want anyone to get hurt. Obviously I can't do child led weaning because surgery or not I'm not prepared to potentially breast feed for 4yrs. Which means I do a gradual wean and cross my fingers two weeks is enough time. I was feeling uneasy and alone in all this when I read this information.

It wasn't until I later discussed it with some other mommies that I felt less alienation and more resolve. I, like so many times since becoming a mother, stand at a seemingly insurmountable obstacle and think lots of other people have been here there has to be a way to get through it.

I read this Dr.Sears quote in the Le Leche League book The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding: "A wise baby who enjoys a happy nursing relationship is not likely to give it up willingly unless some other form of emotional nourishment is provided which is equally attractive or at least interestingly different."

Which at first seemed discouraging, but the book makes it clear that the key to weaning a baby Riley's age is substitution and distraction. So, I get a variety of appealing snacks for her to choice from and find alot of ways to keep her busy. That's seems doable even if their example of gradual weaning took six months (Yikes).

Mike and I discussed our team strategy, specifically which feeding to drop first at length. Since first and foremost we have to get this girl sleeping we decided the midnight feed was on the chopping block. I would nurse before bed and then only Mike would go into her room after that and only offer water. I also put my foot down and said she can not come to our bed anymore. She has to sleep and nurse elsewhere from now on.

You should bear in mind my post about what happens to plans in this house, but I'm determined. Good Night, fingers crossed.

MOOOOO!

Yesterday was Monday. I let Riley sleep naked to get air on her rash and she thanked me by peeing on me and the carpet first thing. She followed up that performance by blowing out not 1 but 2 diapers in a row! That's when I decided I needed to clue in the pediatrician to all the pooping and subsequent diaper rash. His theory (and I agreed) was that it had something to do with the cow's milk. He suggested I try 2% instead of whole. I decided it was better to avoid it all together until her digestion returns to normal. She was not herself all morning, but seemed a little better by the evening. I took her to bed with me anyway. Don't judge me, sick babies get special consideration.

This morning I decided after two unreturned messages to my lactation consultant to go to mommy group and ask her about Riley's waking up in the middle of the night and weaning before surgery. I got Riley and I ready and then realized I haven't been to group without another older baby mommy since the surgery. The thought of Riley and all those new babies and no one to play with seemed overwhelming so I changed my mind.

The way I see it I never intended to breast feed longer than a year, but than again that was an arbitrary deadline I made when it seemed like forever. I also did plan on that year including multiple major surgeries. That being said there is only 2 weeks until my hip replacement (YIKES!!). I don't like the idea of trying to hurry up and wean. I'm afraid the combination of hormones from that dreaded first postpartum period plus all the emotions involved in weaning and post surgical depression on the horizon will completely overwhelm me. I'd rather not follow my hospitalization with commitment to a mental institution. I also know for sure that those lovely breastfeeding endorphins kept the depression at bay and beyond that cuddling and feeding Riley made me feel like I wasn't completely useless as a mom before I could do anything else.

Mike suggested at one point I go away for the weekend and when I came back the baby would be weaned. It horrified me to consider such a thing. I'm so scared to make her sleep in the crib and than stop nursing her and then disappear to the hospital for 3ish days. Abandonment issues? Selfishly and irrationally I also know people have to bring the baby to me in the hospital if I'm breast feeding. On the flip side having a baby climbing on me post surgery last time caused me a fair amount of pain. I survived once so maybe it'll be less harrowing this time. In addition to all that I keep thinking if not now, then when?

So after all the back and forth I thought I had settled on weaning once I'm home from the hospital, but being who I am I needed to finish all my research to feel good about my decision. It's funny because everyone talks about how hard and scary starting to breast feed is, but no one told me I'd feel real fear at the idea of stopping. My lactation consultant called me back this evening and if you can believe it told me it's ok to stop breastfeeding. She told me I need to take care of myself and having surgery while still healing from another one is not a good time to have a toddler scaling you. She told me I won't be able to lie one my side after the hip surgery and that they'll have me up and active a lot more in the hospital this time. Safety concerns, deminished opportunity, and huge question marks still about the procedure coupled with timing all excellent points. Sigh.

Putting healing first this time? Nice and terrifing to be honest with you. I can't think about it too much because there's so much emotion in it. She had a few helpful suggestions about how to get Riley to sleep through the night, snack right before bed and no milk of any kind at night. Let Daddy give her water if she wakes up until she decides it's not worth getting up for water. She also said she's seen babies have the issue Riley's having when they drink non-organic milk because of the antibiotics in it and that organic 2% is thick enough to use for babies. Makes a lot of sense.

Moooo?!?!

Chuck E Cheese

In general it's one of my least favorite places to be, but a trip there is quite a kid motivator. After Isaac's first week of science camp earned him glowing praise for his excellent behavior and manners we decided a Chuck E Cheese trip was in order. We still had a cup full of unspent tokens and a mass of tickets from the last school sponsored Chuck E Cheese night. With the online coupons it's $26 for a large pizza, 4 drinks and 50 tokens (we never go without a coupon). So, we invited some of Isaac's friends and made arrangements to borrow a bigger vehicle.

Loaded 3 kids, the carseat and baby, the wheelchair and 2 adults into the van I felt like the Duggars. I was so excited to have a van full of kids on our way to have fun. I kept teasing Mike that we should pick up a few more kids. I'm serious I was sincerely excited. We arrived and each member of our group was stamped with a matching black light responsive number. The commericals would have you believe that parents can have a nice relaxing evening due to this "kid check."

Getting in the door, pizza ordered and a table without everyone taking off in opposite directions was the first of many hurdles. I mistakenly selected a table in the "toddler zone" thinking it would be quieter. It may have less traffic, but was not any quieter. The toddler tantrums, wailing babies and dirty diaper smell outweighed the initial appeal. I also had a great view of the exit. I started counting how many kids were leaving in tears for something to do as everyone was off burning through tokens while Riley and I held the table. I realized at this point it would be problematic to breastfeed facing the exit on one side and the huge window that faces the parking lot on the other.

When the pizza arrived I had no way to alert the troops, which in my opinion is the biggest problem with that place. If they had an efficient way to call people back to the table it would really help because it's impossible to hear a cell phone or your own thoughts in there. By the time everyone made it back I'd been hit up for tokens by a smooth talking kindergartner, lost my flip flop under the table and used 3 wipes between Riley and I after we touched the horrifyingly dirty "Chuck E. Phone".

I did end up having to nurse Riley in the wheelchair stall. The only thing grosser than the greasy germy games in the toddler area has got to be the bathroom. Ick. When Riley and I emerged the kiddos were feeding their tickets to the ticket counting machines. Remember when you had to know how to count to claim your prizes? The machines do make an adorable "munch, munch" sound as they eat the tickets, however.

We'd been saving our tickets for over a year and Isaac came away with a respectable 500. I'll have you know that after all the ticket hoarding Isaac had made it out of the glass case and onto the prize wall by the skin of his teeth. He picked a diary with some Disney show aimed at a female audience on the cover. His friends got a piece of candy and decided to save their tickets for next time respectively. I also think it's interesting to note that they now have signs proclaiming "1 Cent=1 ticket."

Then we gathered up our tired herd of dinosaurs and I remembered yet again why I hate that place.

Coordinating Baby and Hospital...

My biggest concern pre-surgery was getting Riley to me. I wish they would have let her stay with me. Of course I was grossly overestimating my ability to take care of her immediately after surgery. The hospital said she could come before and stay after visiting hours as long as an adult was with her. Coordinating this was the hardest part.

On the first day once the tube was out I remember begging to be moved off of my sweaty, bandaged back. Left side, sleep, right side, sleep, left side, etc. I'm also told my face was horribly swollen and I have a vague memory of Michael and the baby being there. It's very surreal.

The next day I was together enough to call Michael and ask when Riley was coming. I was still in the ICU, but between the amazing lactation consultant and my incredible friend who braved the ICU with her baby on one hip and mine on the other that was an amazing day. Both of those women are my heroes. It was despite all odds an overall good day because of them.

The next hurdle came when they announced late that afternoon that they wanted to move me to a "step down" unit and then to my actual room later on. So, first moving after major surgery always sucks. Second, they said I could not have a private room. I wasn't trying to be a diva I just didn't want my baby around sick people or to a lesser extend to breastfeed/pump in front of some stranger. Even though I had arranged everything months in advance and gotten permission I was informed in a nasty tone that a private room was not "medically necessary" because "nursing mothers don't have special privileges."

I called the afore mentioned amazing lactation consultant and told her about the nursing staff's plans. She swept through that unit in a hurricane of efficient putting-people-in-their-placedaness. After she left the nurses tune changed to "we have plenty of beds. We'll keep you here until your regular room is ready".

Following my move out of the ICU I remember everything in a blur. There was lots and lots of itchy tape which is perfectly sensible with an incision the length of your back. However, promptly complaining about the horrible itchiness of the bandage when the physician's assistant asked about pain was clearly surprised her. Don't get me wrong this was by far my most painful surgery (I would rather give birth), which is why I tried to focus on anything, but the pain. It itched horribly, still does.

There was so much pain that I kept that Morphine pain pump (same thing they gave me after the C-section) for 4days. Until this point I have never kept one of those (I've had at least 5)for more than 48hrs. I still feel like a wimp about it. Speaking of pain medicine at least once a day a nurse or other member of hospital staff would freak out about me feeding the baby. Cue the so amazing lactation consultant. She set more than a few people straight. I have to say I was completely insulted that no one bothered to ask me whether I was sure it was ok to feed the baby. Clearly the woman with the breast pump next to her bed since she was admitted and once a day visits from a lactation consultant is just "winging it" and keeping her fingers crossed she doesn't dose her only daughter with something harmful. Come on!!

Overall, I am beyond blessed to have had enough people who love me to always have Riley with me most of the day for time I was in the hospital. Thank you all so much. I couldn't have gotten this far without her or you. Thank you.

Ready, Set, Panic Part 2

So, the ball, my friends, is rolling...

Wednesday I got my "medical clearance" to have surgery thanks to all that super fun lab work. My primary care kept saying "Hip replacement. How old are you again?" Yup, I'm the lucky girl getting a hip or two replaced before my 30th birthday. Then he told me about Bo Jackson having to have a hip replacement young. "He had avascular necrosis, but people were always smashing into him." So, great I get the same diagnosis from walking around that this guy got from playing football. I think his way sounds more fun. My doc also went on to make sure I knew that I'd have to have this done again as they "don't last forever."

I also met with the physician's assistant to the Ortho that's performing the operation. We're all set for Thursday the 29th at 7:30am. They have to remove the plate and pins from the femur rotation I had as a teenager first and then they'll be replacing my left hip with a titanium one. She said they have to custom order one my size. It made me laugh, I guess pediatric hip replacements aren't so common. On that note she kept answers questions and then adding "But you're not our typical patient." Between my age, my size, my 13 previous orthopedic surgeries/CP and the fact that I'm a breastfeeding mother I'm proving quite the challenge.

She also informed me that this procedure has a high risk of blood clots so I have to be on injectable blood thinners for 3 weeks. Did I mention how much I hate needles. When I reacted with shock at the idea of sticking myself everyday she said in that eye rolling tone of voice "oh, come on you had a baby." Of course it wasn't until I got home that it occurred to me this might be a problem for breastfeeding. I called and got the name of the one they're using. Here's what the Internet said:

There are no data on the excretion of fondaparinux into human milk. The effects in the nursing infant are unknown. The manufacturer recommends that caution be used when administering fondaparinux to nursing women

Wonderfully informative as that is I called the lactation department at the hospital. They came up with the same thing, but their information said that although the blood thinner would be in my milk the, but doctor doesn't think it would be digested by the baby. She recommended I call the pediatrician so my research into this continues...

We Did It!!! Pump and Dump Concluded

I made it. I pumped every 2hrs for 3days, ugh. I survived the physical and emotional awfulnessof not being able to feed the baby. Riley took full formula bottles by the end and nobody died. I got a taste of what weaning will be like for better or worse. Mike got a small taste of what my life as milk machine is like. I learned how to make and warm a formula bottle. I learned that through all kinds of stress and pain I can take care of my baby.

I feel like I've been holding my breath for three days. It was so satisfing to finally try on the nursing tops I ordered online that had the bad sense to arrive the day of I had to stop nursing. After tearfully setting them aside 3 days ago I joyfully discovered one of them fit perfectly. Hurray for not looking like a little girl in my mom's clothes! Why has no one considered nursing after most of the baby weight is gone? Even XS are tents. Maybe I should just cut holes and sew flaps in some regular shirts.

I digress, I fed Riley at 11:30 this afternoon. She was so happy. She kept making really surprised faces while she was eating it was so freaking cute. It's so much more peaceful around here now. Hurray, magic boobs.

The Heatbreaking Part

I'm home now. I had my test I have the films, but the ortho refuses to see me until Tue!! Sigh.

Riley breast fed this morning before I left and then had an all breast milk bottle at 9:45-10 and then at noon she ate some veggie baby food and had a 1/2 breast milk and 1/2 formula bottle and was napping soundly when I got home.

I did my first big pump and dump (well I made Mike do the first dump) it's so depressing to dump 6oz down the drain. Ugh. But that I can handle. Even seeing my beautiful girl hold her own bottle and look so grown up. That hurts, but when I give her a bottle she still turns her head so she can see me. She still reaches for me and strokes my face and holds my shirt and I know I'm still needed and that she doesn't feel abandoned. All of that is painful, but I know it will pass.

What I'm not "handling" at all is all the tears. She used to use body language or a turn of her head to get fed, but now she indicates she's hungery and a bottle has to be warmed. She's in my arms and hungery and I'm not feeding her. She cried more today than she has in the last 6months. It's absolute torture. I cried with her twice already. I hate bottles for taking so long! God help me. I know she's a baby and they cry. I know this will be over soon. I know there's no "long term" memory forming. What I know is that I've been encouraged from certain sources to just "go ahead and ween" in light of all that's happening. I obviously don't agree, but sometime I'll have to. How in the world will I survive? It's only 5:30 and technically she didn't start bottles until 10am today and I'm in physical pain over the distress she's had to suffer so far.

How is it done? How do people stop? Is it different when it's your choice? I'm not even feeling half of what actually weening would be like because I'm pumping on her eating schedule. Between engorgement and heartbreak I can't imagine it. Maybe it just means it's not time for us.

To end on a positive note it's liberating to know anyone can feed the baby (would be more so if I wasn't pumping every 2hrs).

Pumping and the Beginning of the End

Every breast feeding mom I know loathes pumping and does as little as possible. I had to pump every time I fed Riley while she was in the NICU and for the first few days she was home. After that Riley's pediatrician suggested we start a bottle a day at a month if we wanted her to take bottles. Not every new mother is told that there is a window for introducing the bottle between 4-6weeks and with some baby's that's it.

Even though I wasn't on maternity leave and planning to rush back to work I wanted Riley to be able to take bottles so that we could have babysitters and also so they could get some daddy daughter time in. I never took a break I always pumped while she had her bottle for the next one. Breast milk gets heavier as it gets later in the day (to help baby sleep at night) so I wanted her to get the evening milk in the evening and keep my body on her eating schedule.

We did that for quite awhile and then it fell away somehow in favor of pumping when I needed it (like the baby fell asleep early and I'm gonna pop) or in anticipation of leaving Riley with a sitter. I had always intended to keep up the once a day pumping until I was done breastfeeding, but the best of intentions only go so far when you have a baby.

So, here I am 48hrs prior to my bone scan trying to pump in my every free moment to build up enough for the 48-72hrs I will not be allowed to feed Riley after the test. I also have to pump every time she eats and dump the milk for that whole time. Such a sad scenario. We're hoping to be able to get through with 1/2 and 1/2 bottles, but she may end up on full bottles of formula by the end. I hope we can resume business as usual on Sunday.

Beyond the test I am facing a possible 6-8wks of antibiotics which would mean supplementing some feedings with formula to protect Riley's tummy. After that is done I'm looking at 3 surgeries so who knows how that will all affect breastfeeding. I'll be a trooper and keep my pump next to my hospital bed if I need to, but reality is that Riley's 6mo now and it's going to be pretty traumatic on my body by the end of this process and it may be over.

I hoped to keep giving Riley breast milk until she was a year (pumped in bottles at least), but I may not be able to. Honestly as determined and active as she is I have a feeling Riley would be done before a year no matter what. Who knows.

So, there you go pumping sucks, but is a necessary evil. I love my breastfeeding time with Riley and knowing she's my one and only makes it that much harder to imagine giving it up.

Breastfeeding Poetry

This has been rattling around in my head for awhile...
I have done it in the car
I have done it near and far
I have in a crowd and alone
While typing on the internet and talking on the phone
Sitting up, laying down
While running around
Morning, noon and night
On a park bench watching Mike fly a kite
In the bathtub, on the floor
In the ladies room and my car's backseat
In the woods in a tent
At many a family event
I bring a blanket, because you see
I breastfeed when the baby's hungry

Nursing in Public

So today I went to Target and Riley became insistent that it was time to eat. I didn't have a blanket with me so we found ourselves in the ladies room. My butt fell in the toilet and I was praying it wasn't an automatic flusher. It was noisy and uncomfortable. Why doesn't Target have a family bathroom? In a perfect world they'd have an actual nursing lounge.

On Friday Riley and I found ourselves in the family restroom at the mall. They had a permanent changing table and a wooden rocking chair in there. I was pleased even though the rocker was a little rough on the butt it was better than breastfeeding on a toilet. Oddly enough I noticed that aside from tampons and Advil in the vending machine there was breath spray and candy. Shouldn't someone put diapers and wipes in one of those? At least in the family restroom?

Even nursing in a bathroom stall beats booking it to the car to feed the baby. I spent so much of the beginning of Riley's life breastfeeding in the backseat. In parking lots, pulled over in random neighborhoods, in front restaurants while everyone else ate inside...It still happens but I'm much more likely to feed the baby at the table or in the store now. In the beginning I worried not about myself, but about the people around me. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or to get in trouble. Seems so silly to worry about getting in trouble feeding your baby.

The world isn't very accommodating to a nursing mother and it can make you feel like you're doing something abnormal or even wrong. I'm not sure why it's that way. It's only right and natural for a mother to want to feed her baby without feeling bad about it. I think some more quiet spaces for mommies and babies would benefit everyone. Not just nursing mothers mom's who use formula would also like a space to do so in peace. Anyone caring for a baby knows they get overstimulated and a minute for everyone can decompress is very necessary.

A girl can dream I suppose...

Adventures in Lactation

Recently I woke up to the sensation that my skin on my chest was stretched to capacity and was going to burst. I have this image of when I was a kid and I'd roll out or stretch out the play dough until it tore holes. Even though I was sleeping in a bra with nursing pads I had soaked through the nursing pad, the bra, my shirt and was laying in a small puddle of breast milk. Yuck.

Having graphically recounted that I must add it does happen, but very very rarely. There's enough doom and gloom about breastfeeding and I have no intention of adding to it. Also, the solution is simple you just feed the baby and then all is right with the world or at least your boobs.

That event definitely made me feel a post about breast feeding was long overdue. Let's start at the beginning...
Expectations.

Michael scared me to death with stories about how hard it would be and a handful of people and episodes of "Baby Story" reinforced this. So, I went into it determined but scared. Also, I had no idea what the timeline for this would be. I mean it's not like anyone ever tells you about breastfeeding until your pregnant. I wasn't sure how long I could or should do it. The unrealistic concept of the actual level of commitment was in there too (24hrs a day 7days a week on call with no breaks).

The Reality: A Rough Start
Riley was born at 34wk 4d gestation by c-section. She went to the NICU immediately. I went to the recovery room where I began demanding a breast pump. I'd been contracting for 7hours, had major surgery was drugged and exhausted and I knew there was a short window to convince my body to gear up for feeding a baby.

They moved me to a room and I continued to demand a pump. Once I FINALLY obtained one I pumped and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night needing assistance and was told if I could sit in a chair for 15-20min I could go down and see the baby at 7am. I was of course in that chair as soon as they'd let me. I went racing over to the NICU the second my time was up, only to be told I couldn't see my baby and to come back in a few hours.

I called down to make sure I'd get to see her and was told no. I thought about this for about 10 seconds before I called back in tears and demanded to see my baby that I hadn't seen for more than a few seconds as they wheeled her away and had yet to hold. They caved. They allowed me to give her a bottle of formula first and then try to breastfeed.

Unlike a healthy baby who gets wheeled into to see you in your room accompanied by a nurse or lactation consultant or both we were kind of on our own. So, I gave it a try, but having no clue what I was doing didn't know whether we'd been successful. So, I requested a lactation consultant meet us for the next feeding.

And so I used every resource the hospital I delivered at and the children's hospital offered. I wanted to figure it out. Riley and I needed lots of practice. The NICU allotted me 15-20min to breastfeed and then she had to take a supplement bottle of breast milk. I pumped and "fed" the baby around the clock except for the (1am and 4am feeds).

It was not the most conducive environment to breastfeeding. Running back and forth between hospitals and the scrutiny of the NICU staff. You can't measure breastfeeds so they'd rather you just pump and bottle feed so they get all their precious numbers. Preemies have an underdeveloped suck reflex. The latch took us a long time and she kept biting down with her gums. Really the biggest obstacles was sleepiness. We were required to feed on the hospital's schedule not Riley's schedule. Poor kid got a cold cloth to the face repeatedly in those early days.

Getting the Hang of it
When we got home I panicked that I'd do something wrong she wouldn't grow and they'd re-admit her to the hospital. I set my alarm to wake me up every three hours overnight and woke her up to feed her. There was even an incident in the middle of the night when Mike had to remove the screaming baby from my arms because I was crying and asking her why wouldn't she eat. But the first pediatrician apt came and she had gained a few ounces since being discharged and I relaxed.

I turned off the alarm and let Riley tell me when to feed her. I stopped pumping so my body would get used to Riley's demand and not continue making enough milk for twins. Holy Engorgement Batman that was a crappy couple of days. But I toughed it out and we fell into a routine. Form what I hear the first two weeks or so are hell for everyone, but if you make it through you never regret it. I love it. I had thought I'd be weening by now, but Riley and I are happy so we'll keep on keeping on for now.