MOOOOO!

Yesterday was Monday. I let Riley sleep naked to get air on her rash and she thanked me by peeing on me and the carpet first thing. She followed up that performance by blowing out not 1 but 2 diapers in a row! That's when I decided I needed to clue in the pediatrician to all the pooping and subsequent diaper rash. His theory (and I agreed) was that it had something to do with the cow's milk. He suggested I try 2% instead of whole. I decided it was better to avoid it all together until her digestion returns to normal. She was not herself all morning, but seemed a little better by the evening. I took her to bed with me anyway. Don't judge me, sick babies get special consideration.

This morning I decided after two unreturned messages to my lactation consultant to go to mommy group and ask her about Riley's waking up in the middle of the night and weaning before surgery. I got Riley and I ready and then realized I haven't been to group without another older baby mommy since the surgery. The thought of Riley and all those new babies and no one to play with seemed overwhelming so I changed my mind.

The way I see it I never intended to breast feed longer than a year, but than again that was an arbitrary deadline I made when it seemed like forever. I also did plan on that year including multiple major surgeries. That being said there is only 2 weeks until my hip replacement (YIKES!!). I don't like the idea of trying to hurry up and wean. I'm afraid the combination of hormones from that dreaded first postpartum period plus all the emotions involved in weaning and post surgical depression on the horizon will completely overwhelm me. I'd rather not follow my hospitalization with commitment to a mental institution. I also know for sure that those lovely breastfeeding endorphins kept the depression at bay and beyond that cuddling and feeding Riley made me feel like I wasn't completely useless as a mom before I could do anything else.

Mike suggested at one point I go away for the weekend and when I came back the baby would be weaned. It horrified me to consider such a thing. I'm so scared to make her sleep in the crib and than stop nursing her and then disappear to the hospital for 3ish days. Abandonment issues? Selfishly and irrationally I also know people have to bring the baby to me in the hospital if I'm breast feeding. On the flip side having a baby climbing on me post surgery last time caused me a fair amount of pain. I survived once so maybe it'll be less harrowing this time. In addition to all that I keep thinking if not now, then when?

So after all the back and forth I thought I had settled on weaning once I'm home from the hospital, but being who I am I needed to finish all my research to feel good about my decision. It's funny because everyone talks about how hard and scary starting to breast feed is, but no one told me I'd feel real fear at the idea of stopping. My lactation consultant called me back this evening and if you can believe it told me it's ok to stop breastfeeding. She told me I need to take care of myself and having surgery while still healing from another one is not a good time to have a toddler scaling you. She told me I won't be able to lie one my side after the hip surgery and that they'll have me up and active a lot more in the hospital this time. Safety concerns, deminished opportunity, and huge question marks still about the procedure coupled with timing all excellent points. Sigh.

Putting healing first this time? Nice and terrifing to be honest with you. I can't think about it too much because there's so much emotion in it. She had a few helpful suggestions about how to get Riley to sleep through the night, snack right before bed and no milk of any kind at night. Let Daddy give her water if she wakes up until she decides it's not worth getting up for water. She also said she's seen babies have the issue Riley's having when they drink non-organic milk because of the antibiotics in it and that organic 2% is thick enough to use for babies. Makes a lot of sense.

Moooo?!?!