MOOOOO!

Yesterday was Monday. I let Riley sleep naked to get air on her rash and she thanked me by peeing on me and the carpet first thing. She followed up that performance by blowing out not 1 but 2 diapers in a row! That's when I decided I needed to clue in the pediatrician to all the pooping and subsequent diaper rash. His theory (and I agreed) was that it had something to do with the cow's milk. He suggested I try 2% instead of whole. I decided it was better to avoid it all together until her digestion returns to normal. She was not herself all morning, but seemed a little better by the evening. I took her to bed with me anyway. Don't judge me, sick babies get special consideration.

This morning I decided after two unreturned messages to my lactation consultant to go to mommy group and ask her about Riley's waking up in the middle of the night and weaning before surgery. I got Riley and I ready and then realized I haven't been to group without another older baby mommy since the surgery. The thought of Riley and all those new babies and no one to play with seemed overwhelming so I changed my mind.

The way I see it I never intended to breast feed longer than a year, but than again that was an arbitrary deadline I made when it seemed like forever. I also did plan on that year including multiple major surgeries. That being said there is only 2 weeks until my hip replacement (YIKES!!). I don't like the idea of trying to hurry up and wean. I'm afraid the combination of hormones from that dreaded first postpartum period plus all the emotions involved in weaning and post surgical depression on the horizon will completely overwhelm me. I'd rather not follow my hospitalization with commitment to a mental institution. I also know for sure that those lovely breastfeeding endorphins kept the depression at bay and beyond that cuddling and feeding Riley made me feel like I wasn't completely useless as a mom before I could do anything else.

Mike suggested at one point I go away for the weekend and when I came back the baby would be weaned. It horrified me to consider such a thing. I'm so scared to make her sleep in the crib and than stop nursing her and then disappear to the hospital for 3ish days. Abandonment issues? Selfishly and irrationally I also know people have to bring the baby to me in the hospital if I'm breast feeding. On the flip side having a baby climbing on me post surgery last time caused me a fair amount of pain. I survived once so maybe it'll be less harrowing this time. In addition to all that I keep thinking if not now, then when?

So after all the back and forth I thought I had settled on weaning once I'm home from the hospital, but being who I am I needed to finish all my research to feel good about my decision. It's funny because everyone talks about how hard and scary starting to breast feed is, but no one told me I'd feel real fear at the idea of stopping. My lactation consultant called me back this evening and if you can believe it told me it's ok to stop breastfeeding. She told me I need to take care of myself and having surgery while still healing from another one is not a good time to have a toddler scaling you. She told me I won't be able to lie one my side after the hip surgery and that they'll have me up and active a lot more in the hospital this time. Safety concerns, deminished opportunity, and huge question marks still about the procedure coupled with timing all excellent points. Sigh.

Putting healing first this time? Nice and terrifing to be honest with you. I can't think about it too much because there's so much emotion in it. She had a few helpful suggestions about how to get Riley to sleep through the night, snack right before bed and no milk of any kind at night. Let Daddy give her water if she wakes up until she decides it's not worth getting up for water. She also said she's seen babies have the issue Riley's having when they drink non-organic milk because of the antibiotics in it and that organic 2% is thick enough to use for babies. Makes a lot of sense.

Moooo?!?!

Chuck E Cheese

In general it's one of my least favorite places to be, but a trip there is quite a kid motivator. After Isaac's first week of science camp earned him glowing praise for his excellent behavior and manners we decided a Chuck E Cheese trip was in order. We still had a cup full of unspent tokens and a mass of tickets from the last school sponsored Chuck E Cheese night. With the online coupons it's $26 for a large pizza, 4 drinks and 50 tokens (we never go without a coupon). So, we invited some of Isaac's friends and made arrangements to borrow a bigger vehicle.

Loaded 3 kids, the carseat and baby, the wheelchair and 2 adults into the van I felt like the Duggars. I was so excited to have a van full of kids on our way to have fun. I kept teasing Mike that we should pick up a few more kids. I'm serious I was sincerely excited. We arrived and each member of our group was stamped with a matching black light responsive number. The commericals would have you believe that parents can have a nice relaxing evening due to this "kid check."

Getting in the door, pizza ordered and a table without everyone taking off in opposite directions was the first of many hurdles. I mistakenly selected a table in the "toddler zone" thinking it would be quieter. It may have less traffic, but was not any quieter. The toddler tantrums, wailing babies and dirty diaper smell outweighed the initial appeal. I also had a great view of the exit. I started counting how many kids were leaving in tears for something to do as everyone was off burning through tokens while Riley and I held the table. I realized at this point it would be problematic to breastfeed facing the exit on one side and the huge window that faces the parking lot on the other.

When the pizza arrived I had no way to alert the troops, which in my opinion is the biggest problem with that place. If they had an efficient way to call people back to the table it would really help because it's impossible to hear a cell phone or your own thoughts in there. By the time everyone made it back I'd been hit up for tokens by a smooth talking kindergartner, lost my flip flop under the table and used 3 wipes between Riley and I after we touched the horrifyingly dirty "Chuck E. Phone".

I did end up having to nurse Riley in the wheelchair stall. The only thing grosser than the greasy germy games in the toddler area has got to be the bathroom. Ick. When Riley and I emerged the kiddos were feeding their tickets to the ticket counting machines. Remember when you had to know how to count to claim your prizes? The machines do make an adorable "munch, munch" sound as they eat the tickets, however.

We'd been saving our tickets for over a year and Isaac came away with a respectable 500. I'll have you know that after all the ticket hoarding Isaac had made it out of the glass case and onto the prize wall by the skin of his teeth. He picked a diary with some Disney show aimed at a female audience on the cover. His friends got a piece of candy and decided to save their tickets for next time respectively. I also think it's interesting to note that they now have signs proclaiming "1 Cent=1 ticket."

Then we gathered up our tired herd of dinosaurs and I remembered yet again why I hate that place.

Day 3 of Pump and Dump 2010

Today was same old same old minus the engorgement (not that they're not sore or that I'm comfortable). I'm still sad and Riley is still having a complete meltdown about 6 times a day. The change is that today I "tried" to embrace my freedom (as much as I can pumping every two hours).

First I rushed everyone out the door this morning because I got an email about a great one day diaper sale and they were supposed to be doing a "diaper demo." In bold print at the bottom of the email it said FREE GIVEAWAYS and in very small print while supplies last. I got my diapers and dashed over to the demo which was exactly the one they do in the tampon ads with the blue liquid. We all waited patiently through the less than thrilling display and then the lady next to me said "So, is there a free giveaway." The woman doing the demo said "oh, your going to LOVE this." and tossed out little inflatable balls that say Pampers on them. Oh, Hurray so glad we rushed here for that. Why do I always think I'll get diapers? Nope a ball. The whole walk around the store Riley was drinking a formula bottle by herself. I have to admit it was nice to walk a store without the blanket tent over the eating baby who is mad about the heat and missing everything.

Later that night after I'd expressed wanting to "enjoy my freedom" and actually starting a book (not a parenting magazine but an honest to goodness fictional work) I asked Mike to take Riley with him to the store. Mike has a habit of adding errands to his trips once he's out the door. He was just going to pick up dinner at the grocery store which is about a 5min drive from our house. Off they went. I pumped, read some of my book and watch an hour of tv and when I started to feel the need to pump again I started to worry. I texted and got no response, I called and got voicemail. Maybe it's because I'm used to feeling like it's time to feed the baby and hearing that elsewhere Riley wanted to eat. Maybe it was just the deprivation of breastfeeding making me emotional. Maybe I was just really tired and hungry and dinner was taking far too long. Whatever the reason I had a bit of a meltdown and regretted requesting that I be allowed to enjoy my freedom.

More than once through this ordeal I've wished I could be pregnant again and have Riley all to myself. She's only getting bigger and more independent. Maybe that's what parenting is, paradoxes like sad liberation.

Day 2 of the Pump and Dump 2010

So, I'm giving fair warning this post isn't for the faint of heart (aka boys may stop here).

I got through the hours after my appointment yesterday and felt like I was hanging by a thread. I slept like a rock and speaking of rocks...I have NEVER woken up so engorged in my life. My right breast was so painful my eyes teared up. I wasn't expecting that since I pumped every two hours after the appointment.

I also had some very painful blocked ducts (like golf balls under your skin) on the outside. Every time I lifted my arm the skin tugged. After making it through 6mo of breastfeeding without mastitis the thought that it could happen when I'm not even feeding the baby seemed totally ridiculous and entirely possible.

It hadn't occurred to me that feeding the baby and pumping leading up to the appointment would amp up my production big time. Just in time for me not to be able to keep any of it! So, pumping and pumping and 4 phone calls to the lactation department at the hospital later I'm feeling better. At least the ducts are clear, two overflowing storage bottles onto myself and the carpet later. ):

It's still depressing, her prolonged hunger cry still tears me up and I realized the extra sleepiness I've been complaining about for weeks may be my body trying to fight this infection. I'm super on edge today and have spent more of the day in tears than not.

But there was this beautiful moment where I was sitting in bed with Riley in my lap while she had her bottle watching last night's Project Runway. It wasn't as intimate as breastfeeding her but I felt close to her. I stroked her cheek and watched the sunlight coming through the bed room window reflect in her wet eyelashes. Maybe we'll make it through this beautiful moment to beautiful moment.

Pumping and the Beginning of the End

Every breast feeding mom I know loathes pumping and does as little as possible. I had to pump every time I fed Riley while she was in the NICU and for the first few days she was home. After that Riley's pediatrician suggested we start a bottle a day at a month if we wanted her to take bottles. Not every new mother is told that there is a window for introducing the bottle between 4-6weeks and with some baby's that's it.

Even though I wasn't on maternity leave and planning to rush back to work I wanted Riley to be able to take bottles so that we could have babysitters and also so they could get some daddy daughter time in. I never took a break I always pumped while she had her bottle for the next one. Breast milk gets heavier as it gets later in the day (to help baby sleep at night) so I wanted her to get the evening milk in the evening and keep my body on her eating schedule.

We did that for quite awhile and then it fell away somehow in favor of pumping when I needed it (like the baby fell asleep early and I'm gonna pop) or in anticipation of leaving Riley with a sitter. I had always intended to keep up the once a day pumping until I was done breastfeeding, but the best of intentions only go so far when you have a baby.

So, here I am 48hrs prior to my bone scan trying to pump in my every free moment to build up enough for the 48-72hrs I will not be allowed to feed Riley after the test. I also have to pump every time she eats and dump the milk for that whole time. Such a sad scenario. We're hoping to be able to get through with 1/2 and 1/2 bottles, but she may end up on full bottles of formula by the end. I hope we can resume business as usual on Sunday.

Beyond the test I am facing a possible 6-8wks of antibiotics which would mean supplementing some feedings with formula to protect Riley's tummy. After that is done I'm looking at 3 surgeries so who knows how that will all affect breastfeeding. I'll be a trooper and keep my pump next to my hospital bed if I need to, but reality is that Riley's 6mo now and it's going to be pretty traumatic on my body by the end of this process and it may be over.

I hoped to keep giving Riley breast milk until she was a year (pumped in bottles at least), but I may not be able to. Honestly as determined and active as she is I have a feeling Riley would be done before a year no matter what. Who knows.

So, there you go pumping sucks, but is a necessary evil. I love my breastfeeding time with Riley and knowing she's my one and only makes it that much harder to imagine giving it up.

Breastfeeding Poetry

This has been rattling around in my head for awhile...
I have done it in the car
I have done it near and far
I have in a crowd and alone
While typing on the internet and talking on the phone
Sitting up, laying down
While running around
Morning, noon and night
On a park bench watching Mike fly a kite
In the bathtub, on the floor
In the ladies room and my car's backseat
In the woods in a tent
At many a family event
I bring a blanket, because you see
I breastfeed when the baby's hungry

Nursing in Public

So today I went to Target and Riley became insistent that it was time to eat. I didn't have a blanket with me so we found ourselves in the ladies room. My butt fell in the toilet and I was praying it wasn't an automatic flusher. It was noisy and uncomfortable. Why doesn't Target have a family bathroom? In a perfect world they'd have an actual nursing lounge.

On Friday Riley and I found ourselves in the family restroom at the mall. They had a permanent changing table and a wooden rocking chair in there. I was pleased even though the rocker was a little rough on the butt it was better than breastfeeding on a toilet. Oddly enough I noticed that aside from tampons and Advil in the vending machine there was breath spray and candy. Shouldn't someone put diapers and wipes in one of those? At least in the family restroom?

Even nursing in a bathroom stall beats booking it to the car to feed the baby. I spent so much of the beginning of Riley's life breastfeeding in the backseat. In parking lots, pulled over in random neighborhoods, in front restaurants while everyone else ate inside...It still happens but I'm much more likely to feed the baby at the table or in the store now. In the beginning I worried not about myself, but about the people around me. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or to get in trouble. Seems so silly to worry about getting in trouble feeding your baby.

The world isn't very accommodating to a nursing mother and it can make you feel like you're doing something abnormal or even wrong. I'm not sure why it's that way. It's only right and natural for a mother to want to feed her baby without feeling bad about it. I think some more quiet spaces for mommies and babies would benefit everyone. Not just nursing mothers mom's who use formula would also like a space to do so in peace. Anyone caring for a baby knows they get overstimulated and a minute for everyone can decompress is very necessary.

A girl can dream I suppose...

Adventures in Lactation

Recently I woke up to the sensation that my skin on my chest was stretched to capacity and was going to burst. I have this image of when I was a kid and I'd roll out or stretch out the play dough until it tore holes. Even though I was sleeping in a bra with nursing pads I had soaked through the nursing pad, the bra, my shirt and was laying in a small puddle of breast milk. Yuck.

Having graphically recounted that I must add it does happen, but very very rarely. There's enough doom and gloom about breastfeeding and I have no intention of adding to it. Also, the solution is simple you just feed the baby and then all is right with the world or at least your boobs.

That event definitely made me feel a post about breast feeding was long overdue. Let's start at the beginning...
Expectations.

Michael scared me to death with stories about how hard it would be and a handful of people and episodes of "Baby Story" reinforced this. So, I went into it determined but scared. Also, I had no idea what the timeline for this would be. I mean it's not like anyone ever tells you about breastfeeding until your pregnant. I wasn't sure how long I could or should do it. The unrealistic concept of the actual level of commitment was in there too (24hrs a day 7days a week on call with no breaks).

The Reality: A Rough Start
Riley was born at 34wk 4d gestation by c-section. She went to the NICU immediately. I went to the recovery room where I began demanding a breast pump. I'd been contracting for 7hours, had major surgery was drugged and exhausted and I knew there was a short window to convince my body to gear up for feeding a baby.

They moved me to a room and I continued to demand a pump. Once I FINALLY obtained one I pumped and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night needing assistance and was told if I could sit in a chair for 15-20min I could go down and see the baby at 7am. I was of course in that chair as soon as they'd let me. I went racing over to the NICU the second my time was up, only to be told I couldn't see my baby and to come back in a few hours.

I called down to make sure I'd get to see her and was told no. I thought about this for about 10 seconds before I called back in tears and demanded to see my baby that I hadn't seen for more than a few seconds as they wheeled her away and had yet to hold. They caved. They allowed me to give her a bottle of formula first and then try to breastfeed.

Unlike a healthy baby who gets wheeled into to see you in your room accompanied by a nurse or lactation consultant or both we were kind of on our own. So, I gave it a try, but having no clue what I was doing didn't know whether we'd been successful. So, I requested a lactation consultant meet us for the next feeding.

And so I used every resource the hospital I delivered at and the children's hospital offered. I wanted to figure it out. Riley and I needed lots of practice. The NICU allotted me 15-20min to breastfeed and then she had to take a supplement bottle of breast milk. I pumped and "fed" the baby around the clock except for the (1am and 4am feeds).

It was not the most conducive environment to breastfeeding. Running back and forth between hospitals and the scrutiny of the NICU staff. You can't measure breastfeeds so they'd rather you just pump and bottle feed so they get all their precious numbers. Preemies have an underdeveloped suck reflex. The latch took us a long time and she kept biting down with her gums. Really the biggest obstacles was sleepiness. We were required to feed on the hospital's schedule not Riley's schedule. Poor kid got a cold cloth to the face repeatedly in those early days.

Getting the Hang of it
When we got home I panicked that I'd do something wrong she wouldn't grow and they'd re-admit her to the hospital. I set my alarm to wake me up every three hours overnight and woke her up to feed her. There was even an incident in the middle of the night when Mike had to remove the screaming baby from my arms because I was crying and asking her why wouldn't she eat. But the first pediatrician apt came and she had gained a few ounces since being discharged and I relaxed.

I turned off the alarm and let Riley tell me when to feed her. I stopped pumping so my body would get used to Riley's demand and not continue making enough milk for twins. Holy Engorgement Batman that was a crappy couple of days. But I toughed it out and we fell into a routine. Form what I hear the first two weeks or so are hell for everyone, but if you make it through you never regret it. I love it. I had thought I'd be weening by now, but Riley and I are happy so we'll keep on keeping on for now.

Struck Out Looking For a Pump

Yup, I went to two Targets on this cold cold night and niether of them had the one I wanted. I considered going to a third, but Riley decided she would poop and be hungry just then. Grrrr.... More on this adventure and pumping in general soon...