The Return of Mommy Guilt

Riley woke up from her nap yesterday with a rash. I felt terrible. I didn't change her diaper before she fell asleep. I always do, but I didn't this time. I know she has sensitive skin and is healing from a yeast infection so when I discover an impressive load and an equally impressive rash I am not surprised.

I'm a horrible mother who didn't change the diaper and now my baby is swollen and sore. I cleaned her up, gave her some "air time", and than slathered on the diaper cream like cream cheese on a fat lady's bagel. I am calming myself from the thorough thrashing I have given myself. When Riley informs me she "pooooooped!" again. I repeat the same procedure except I leave the diaper off this time because the swelling is much worse. Chalk that one up to toddler timing. She'll be ok. Won't she? We're not starting the infection cycle of death again, are we?

Convinced I'm overreacting I diaper up the baby and make a quick dash to Borders for Tina Fey's book Bossypants. Actually, I got the unabridged audio book read by Tina Fey, so exciting. I know, priorities. Give me a break, we also picked up dinner. When we got home Riley quite literally could not walk. Her best approximation was a slow, tearful, waddle. Poor girl. I striped her down, but she refused to sit in the highchair. She squatted instead and eventually demanded to be let out. She roamed the living room with her bare butt and her chicken nugget.

We decided she should sleep sans diaper. At 3am she woke up screaming. Mike and I rushed to her bed and she had peed. She was beat red and screaming and twisting her little body away from the puddle. Mike pulled the damp linens off the bed while I attempted to clean her up, but she was hysterical. We finally put her under the warm shower water. She calmed down after that and we debated going to the ER or waiting for the doctors office to open in the morning. Mike and I were both freaked out.

At 5am when Riley decides I've slept enough I check her diaper it's bone dry. I call the pediatrician at 8am and I get a real human. I love Riley's doctor. I'm informed the nurse will call me when she gets in. At 8:30 the nurse calls. Apparently, if Riley has a UTI we have to go to the ER because she's not potty trained and would need to be catheterized.

Awesome. So your bits are horribly swollen and you're terrified to pee? Let's jam a tube in there. I take it back I hate Riley's doctor (I don't mean that). She tells me I can go to the costly ER or wait until 5pm and go to pediatric after hours urgent care clinic which would be cheaper. She was trying to help, but now I was panicked. We just moved, we have no money. My baby is hurt. Wait 8 hours? I'm a horrible mother. I should have taken her to the ER last night.

I give all this lovely information to Mike who vents all of his stress directly at me. I should have worn a helmet. Once I choked back my sobs we discussed Riley's diaper rash/infection history and every option besides being catheterized in the ER. I called the doctor again with a fresh list of questions at 9am. I was running on coffee, a few hours sleep, no food and horrible anxiety because Riley still hadn't peed. It was 11 before I got a return call. In the end the nurse gave us a 3:00 appointment and warned we'd probably have to go to the ER anyway, but "it's your money."

Meanwhile, it's noon and Riley hasn't peed, but her temperament has vastly improved. I am completely confused. Uti? Skin infection? I do know that I'm a horrible mother for causing/not preventing/not doing enough about whatever the heck this is. I couldn't protect my baby, I didn't react correctly or fast enough and now I deserve the suffering that watching my little girl suffer is causing me (as well as the sleep deprivation, financial strain of Er visits and prescriptions). That is mommy guilt at its finest.

I know we'll get through this day. Riley will survive whatever attacks on her 19mo immune system are causing one of the worst days of my life. Someday diapers will be behind us. Some wonderful day, but mommy guilt I'm afraid, is here to stay.