How Quickly We Forget

I took care of a baby for a few hours today. It was fun. We're good friends, this little bit and I. I'm a little out of practice with the diaper changing at this point though (Thank God!). I made the silliest rookie mistake! I checked the diaper on the play mat not too smart. On top of which I didn't have a new one handy. Rookie mistake. I opened that diaper, the cool air hit that kiddo and a fountain ensued.

We got cleaned up and put down a fresh blanket, but I felt so silly. That little squirt was pretty darn pleased too. I've had a refresher course now so to all those new babies in my life I've got your number. I'm going to be a quick draw on those diapers.

It's funny how quickly the day to day routine we get used to becomes a hazy memory. I can hardly remember pregnancy. I remember some of Riley's early days, but not as well as I used to. I don't carry a diaper bag, or feed anyone each bite of their supper. Strange, I know I did those things, but I don't remember.

What I do remember clear as crystal is Riley's first belly laugh. I remember when she crawled for the first time. I remember when she only said "Duck" for everything. I remember the first time she said "I wuv you mommy." I remember her first tu-tu. I remember her reaction to her first birthday cake. Sigh...At least those moments don't seem to fading yet.

The Return of Mommy Guilt

Riley woke up from her nap yesterday with a rash. I felt terrible. I didn't change her diaper before she fell asleep. I always do, but I didn't this time. I know she has sensitive skin and is healing from a yeast infection so when I discover an impressive load and an equally impressive rash I am not surprised.

I'm a horrible mother who didn't change the diaper and now my baby is swollen and sore. I cleaned her up, gave her some "air time", and than slathered on the diaper cream like cream cheese on a fat lady's bagel. I am calming myself from the thorough thrashing I have given myself. When Riley informs me she "pooooooped!" again. I repeat the same procedure except I leave the diaper off this time because the swelling is much worse. Chalk that one up to toddler timing. She'll be ok. Won't she? We're not starting the infection cycle of death again, are we?

Convinced I'm overreacting I diaper up the baby and make a quick dash to Borders for Tina Fey's book Bossypants. Actually, I got the unabridged audio book read by Tina Fey, so exciting. I know, priorities. Give me a break, we also picked up dinner. When we got home Riley quite literally could not walk. Her best approximation was a slow, tearful, waddle. Poor girl. I striped her down, but she refused to sit in the highchair. She squatted instead and eventually demanded to be let out. She roamed the living room with her bare butt and her chicken nugget.

We decided she should sleep sans diaper. At 3am she woke up screaming. Mike and I rushed to her bed and she had peed. She was beat red and screaming and twisting her little body away from the puddle. Mike pulled the damp linens off the bed while I attempted to clean her up, but she was hysterical. We finally put her under the warm shower water. She calmed down after that and we debated going to the ER or waiting for the doctors office to open in the morning. Mike and I were both freaked out.

At 5am when Riley decides I've slept enough I check her diaper it's bone dry. I call the pediatrician at 8am and I get a real human. I love Riley's doctor. I'm informed the nurse will call me when she gets in. At 8:30 the nurse calls. Apparently, if Riley has a UTI we have to go to the ER because she's not potty trained and would need to be catheterized.

Awesome. So your bits are horribly swollen and you're terrified to pee? Let's jam a tube in there. I take it back I hate Riley's doctor (I don't mean that). She tells me I can go to the costly ER or wait until 5pm and go to pediatric after hours urgent care clinic which would be cheaper. She was trying to help, but now I was panicked. We just moved, we have no money. My baby is hurt. Wait 8 hours? I'm a horrible mother. I should have taken her to the ER last night.

I give all this lovely information to Mike who vents all of his stress directly at me. I should have worn a helmet. Once I choked back my sobs we discussed Riley's diaper rash/infection history and every option besides being catheterized in the ER. I called the doctor again with a fresh list of questions at 9am. I was running on coffee, a few hours sleep, no food and horrible anxiety because Riley still hadn't peed. It was 11 before I got a return call. In the end the nurse gave us a 3:00 appointment and warned we'd probably have to go to the ER anyway, but "it's your money."

Meanwhile, it's noon and Riley hasn't peed, but her temperament has vastly improved. I am completely confused. Uti? Skin infection? I do know that I'm a horrible mother for causing/not preventing/not doing enough about whatever the heck this is. I couldn't protect my baby, I didn't react correctly or fast enough and now I deserve the suffering that watching my little girl suffer is causing me (as well as the sleep deprivation, financial strain of Er visits and prescriptions). That is mommy guilt at its finest.

I know we'll get through this day. Riley will survive whatever attacks on her 19mo immune system are causing one of the worst days of my life. Someday diapers will be behind us. Some wonderful day, but mommy guilt I'm afraid, is here to stay.

Bare Naked Babies (Butts)

So we have a little seat that fits over the toilet so that Riley can use it. She picked it out herself. It has Sesame Street characters on it. She sits on it before every bath and makes the sound effects of peeing even if she hasn't actually done it yet.

That's all well and good, but toddlers and bathrooms are a dangerous combination. Unless you want your tile covered with unspooled toilet paper, the rubber ducky flushed down the toilet and your little one staggering around drunk on mouthwash. They're a bit like frat boys that way everywhere is a potential "party" locale and you can always measure the fun that was had by the size of the mess left in their wake. This is way our bathroom door is closed to Riley until bath time.

We decided she needed a potty chair in the living room to further potty training efforts. I took her to pick out her potty, all the while talking up what a big girl she was. I put 3 choices down on the floor for her inspection. She babbled for a moment and then sat on the one that looked like a frog. When I encouraged her to "try" the other ones she shook her head. She remained seated and smiling on the frog making peeing noises. When she did stand up she picked up the frog potty and started leading the way out of the store.

We put the potty in the living room and she sat on it a handful of times, but hasn't christened it yet. She did, however, take the bowl part out, put it on her head and march around making pee pee noises. At least the potty is fun and not scary. She inspires alot of confidence despite the fact that she hasn't gone on either potty yet.

The other day Daddy gave her oatmeal for breakfast sans bib. After her well earned bath Daddy took her into her room to get dressed. Later that day as we cruised the aisles at Target I noticed Riley's bare butt was visible over the waistband of her pants. This should not be possible. I assumed we had some diaper slippage, but when I felt the back of her pants there was nothing but baby butt.

Daddy have forgotten a diaper!! He just pulled her pants over her bare butt. So there we were in the toy aisle with a baby going commando. She had been diaperless for what I'm guessing was about 45min. Daddy of course thought this was hilarious and that we should let it ride and see how long she stayed dry. I'm not a big gambler so I plopped the baby down on my lap and wheeled off to the ladies room before he knew what was happening.

We're getting closer to potty training by inches. Her bladder muscles are mature enough to "hold it" and the other day she walked over to me grabbed her diaper and said "Ma, ma peeeeeezzzzz." Onward and toilet-ward we go!

A Baby's Gotta Do What A Baby's Gotta Do

We went out to dinner with some gift cards we'd been saving and when we left the resturant the sky had opened up. We managed to get everyone in the car relatively dry, but when we got home my car was in the driveway and it was really coming down. We had a family discussion about who would get out when and then waited to see if it would let up. It did not let up so we "ran for it." Needless to say we were all more than a little damp when we got inside. Riley did not like the idea of getting into dry clothes and a dry diaper. She fought me like an Olympic wrestler. It was really exsasperating so once her wet clothes and diaper were off I gave up. I lowered her off my lap naked and the second her butt hit the carpet she peed. When I said "Riley are you peeing?" and dropped a towel in her lap that little girl looked up and me and laughed! She was so amused by herself. Funnily enough when I scopped her up to put a daiper on her she didn't resist. I guess she just needed to be naked long enough to pee on the carpet.

Not So Black and White

In the bewildering onslaught of information the internet brought us a whole new dimension of confusion and guilt was brought to parenting. When wading through the endless information on infants one begins to wonder how you could have been so oblivious to this strange universe of information. Breastfeeding, Boppy, Bumbo, Attachment Parenting, Elimination Communication, Baby Sign Language, Co-Sleeping, Co-Parenting, Cloth Diapering, Alternative Vaccination Schedule, Organic Baby Food, Developmental Milestones, Cry it Out, Accredited Day Care Provider, Mommy and Me, Dry Max, Sophie the Giraffe...etc into infinity

I know that I often seek out the right answer before realizing the only one who can know that is Riley and I. You forget doing a Google search and reading message board posts that there isn't one "right way" to be. A thousand signatures on message boards scream things like "breast is best" or "proud cloth diapering momma." I just don't understand everyone's compulsive need to label themselves (not that I don't occasionally suffer from it). Sure, I'm proud that Riley and I have been breastfeeding for 10mo and I mark each of those milestones in my signature, but I don't mean to imply that there is anything wrong with doing it any other way.

I don't think these things are as cut and dry as they seem. There are people who boast "breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering momma" and inversely "formula feeding, independently sleeping, disposable diapering momma." Why does it need to be one or the other? Personally I am a mostly breast feeding mom, but I've (gasp) had to give her formula a few times and may have to again. In this day and age why should there be guilt over percentage of formula versus breast milk? Why should I (and I have) refrain form using the EBF (exclusively breast fed) abbreviation in silent self loathing? Most babies these days are a mix from what I can tell. I know my mom and aunt described breastfeeding their kids for about 3mo before switching to formula when they went back to work in a completely unemotional way.

As far as where Riley sleeps anyone with a child under a year should know what I mean when I say that wherever she'll sleep longest wins that contest. Riley slept in a bassinet for about when she came home from the hospital and occasionally in our bed. She moved to her crib on the day she turned 2mo old because she outgrow her bassinet and it was stressful having a flailing baby in our bed. She slept in her own crib the majority of nights after that barring illness, teething or clingyness. Since my surgery she's been co-sleeping because I can't get up and down easily or lift her at all. Truthfully it's deceitful to identify myself either way because even when she slept all night in the crib most of the time we napped together. I don't know many mommy who don't take every opportunity to cuddle up with their baby. Should I feel bad that Riley and I both sleep better in our own beds? No. Do I judge my friend for sleeping with her baby until he was 2? No.

Baby wearing is just what it sounds like. Suddenly it's an alternative lifestyle to put your baby in a sling. I have no choice if I needed to carry the baby into the sling she went. Also, if it was too far to walk I'd use my wheelchair and pop her in the Ergo to keep my hands free. This one for me is kind of along the lines of "natural birthing mama" some of us don't have a choice. So, in that case I was in the less socially acceptable group and in this case I'm one of the cool kids, but not because of any deeply held convictions. You can make all the plans you want in the end it's what works for you and the tiny new human, intentions be damned.

Cloth diapers have really become trendy lately which is awesome. I love what the recession has done for environmental awareness. I really like all the adorable cloth diaper options although there's precious little in the known universe that isn't cuter than a disposable diaper. I didn't go that route for one reason, time. If I didn't have a 7yr at home I probably would have tried cloth diapers in the beginning. Now with all the surgery stuff I'm super glad I didn't it's hard enough to keep on top of diapers as it is. In general having a first baby that isn't the only kid at home causes me to make alterations in my plans here and there. I use disposable diapers and it probably negates or outweighs the money we save on formula, but oh well. It works best for us right now.

Nobody fits this crazy extreme super mom persona. Do what works for you and your wee one and hope other moms can do the same without guilt. We're just aiming for happy, healthy babies who will grow into reasonably well adjusted adults. At least those are my general goals.

Funny Omission

We've been having ongoing budget talks because we want to move soon. Mike made up an excel spreadsheet and outlined all the expenses. He listed adult and children's expenses like medical and clothing separately. Great, only one problem he neglected to add a line for diapers!

I don't know about you but that makes me think he hasn't been changing enough of them. There certainly is no diaper fairy magically restocking the diaper supply.

So, sorry Riley but potty training begins immediately as diapers are no longer in the budget (: