Communication Stinks

I think every parent has been in the middle of three things and absentmindedly said yes to something that they shouldn't or wouldn't have, "zombie answer". It happens to the best of us. The consequences usually involve a flooded bath room, food explosion in the microwave, missing keys (wallet, cell phone, etc). There's also the case of "the over-ask". When you've been asked 27 times for anything it has the exact opposite affect then was intended.

Yesterday, Isaac asked me every 30 seconds from the time he got home until bedtime for $2. I was already planning to give it to him before he asked, but after the 5th time I said snapped and told him if asked again there wouldn't be a field trip. As a result I was so sick of hearing and thinking about it that the money didn't get paperclipped to the permission slip before he left for school. I have to admit I'm glad he had to sweat it out a bit before the money was dropped off in the office for him. "The over-ask" is one of the worst.

On the other hand there's the "didn't I tell you.." Mike is a big perpetrator of that. I discuss my plan for months and he nods along until the day of when there's suddenly a huge problem. He usually thinks he told me about it, but sometimes he admits he's been thinking about it all week and not mentioned it. Typically, I'll ask him to do me a favor and typically it's something I usually do that if he took over would allow me a break. He agrees enthusiastically in the moment "because I should rest". I remind him of my approaching break and he absentmindedly nods or grunts from behind his laptop with best of intentions. When the day arrives though, the reality of everything he's agreed to is too much. He's overwhelmed and (perhaps because he feels guilty) he doesn't let me in on this until the last minute. At this point we're both overwhelmed and irritated. Badly timed information makes for a bad day.

The other time this happens a lot is invitations. It always goes like this. Me: Hey do you want to go to (family gathering, wedding, birthday party, etc)? We have (other events/nothing) that weekend. What do you think? Mike: Ok. That's fine. A few days later Me: Don't forget we're going to _______ this weekend. Mike: Oh, yeah. Ok. The day before Me: We have that thing tomorrow. Mike: Oh ok..do we have (the gift, directions, etc) Me: Yes, we're all set The day of Mike: Why are we going to this? (As he searches for his other shoe, keys, wallet, etc) Me: You said you wanted to go. We already told them and our kids we were going. Mike: (continues to complain as he grumpily heads out the door) In the car Mike: What we should have done was...(better plan for the weekend, getting there, the gift I picked, etc that he has not previously shared until this moment)

The mother of them all is the lie of omission. Not an absent minded forgetful thing (often revealing itself with the worst of possible timing), but a malicious omission. Like when you ask "where ya going?"/"whatcha doing?" and get "no where/nothing" as an answer. No good ever comes after someone answers "no where or nothing" to a direct question. When it's a child it results in similar or more devastating destruction than the "zombie answer." With your spouse it's way worse. It is never a romantic surprise like us girls always hope for. It's a 3am trip to Taco Bell, an entire weekend working on the car while you watch the kids by yourself, the demolition of your kitchen for the sake of a project or the bank account suddenly being in overdraft. Beyond that it makes me feel like a monster or at least not an equal partner.

I'm human too. I would understand your desperate need for a taco just tell me before I wake up find you gone and have an anxiety attack. I watch way too much TV to assume everything's fine when you're not in bed in the middle of the night. I certainly understand needing to disappear for a while, but it works much better if we're both in on it. I even understand that there are occasionally things worth draining the bank account for, but if you don't give me a chance to agree or come up with a plan B than I feel irrelevant. I don't want to be the Nanny who enforces the rules and keeps everyone in line while you get to be the fun impulsive one. We're supposed to be in it together.

Communication is a lot like a traffic light that's out at a major intersection. Either everyone does what they are supposed to do and executes a beautiful four way stop or it's chaos. I've seen it done many times. When I lived in California people understood the procedure and followed it amazingly well, most of the time. I was always filled with anxiety coming up to a light that was out and then I'd see everyone waiting their turn and my faith in humanity would replenish itself. On the other hand some people plow through obviously causing accidents, nearly missing police officers directing traffic and making everyone else really nervous. The goal is to do more of the former and than everyone gets what they need. Here's hoping.