One in a Million

Does everyone know this song?

It's a guy explaining to his girlfriend that no matter how often she's just part of the crowd, she's one in a million to him. Now, I'd love to say my husband always feels this way (and maybe he does more than I give him credit for), but I know a group of people who do.

No matter how badly the rest of the world has treated me or how little attention has been paid to my needs I know people who love and appreciate me every time. The toddler gang at Riley's school. They're never indifferent to my arrival (or departure). They don't care how I look or what I have in the bank. I'm a hero for reading a book, giving a hug or graciously accepting a plate of plastic food.

This one is from the birthday party they threw me. I'm also welcome to stop by for (or hang out until)lunch. I'm familiar enough to have authority and novel enough to be slightly exciting. They're an amazing group of kids. Watching them grow up is really a gift. Clever sweet little friends who love me just the way I am. Riley and I are lucky to spend so much time with them (in and out of school). Some have come and gone from the weekly gathering, but they're all a part of our lives. They're her other family. The village that's helped shape her into the little girl she's becoming (sniff, sniff).

She Did It!!

Riley is still recovering from her ear infection. She's a slightly lower energy and much lower appetite, but she's much better. She is also on day 2 of antibiotics and no longer contagious. This morning I was ready for Riley to spend the day with her friends and so was she.

Having been sick myself while caring for a sick toddler I was way behind. I spent the day cleaning the kitchen, catching up on emails, working on Mike's birthday present and such. I even took a nice 2hr nap.

I had a nice early dinner and then Mike and the kids came home. I had a text from D. that Riley had started eating normally later in the day. It was a relief since while I was there she refused to eat anything. I wasn't too worried about her, but I didn't even think about what kind of potty day she'd have. I had set my expectations very low in the morning and by the evening had forgotten them entirely.

I heard Mike say "Bring it to Mommy. Riley, show Mommy your sticker for no accidents." She came matching toward me with her take home folder in her outstretched arms. She had a big note in blue marker with a smiley face that said "No Accidents All Day". The note was accompanied with 2 Wonder Pets stickers. Riley was very concerned with liberating the stickers from the page, but I think also proud. I know I sure was!

Mike also reported that D. had been very impressed with Riley going to the potty herself and pulling her pants down by herself. It was a red letter potty day for Miss Roo for sure. Now her away from home potty skills have caught up with her at home potty skills, finally. Hurray!

Full Time Motherhood

We've done the research and discussed the options (and the budget). Riley will be starting full time (M-F,9-5) daycare as soon as Isaac's summer camp ends. I'm going to get serious about my writing and start taking better care of myself. I am still her mother 24hrs a day, but I am also ready for time apart. I've been on full time Riley duty for two years. I am not dropping her off with minimum wage strangers who have no investment in her future. I am leaving her with my best friend who loves Riley like a daughter. Riley will get a few more days with her best friends and I will gain a few more productive hours in my day.

I think our society is all about extremes. The all or nothing attitude is impossible to live up to. I am her mother and I love her. I would have chosen to be with her as much as possible under any circumstances. I'm grateful for the time we've had. This way I can take care of the house and the kids and myself. I need to finish healing and find the next step and it's hard to do those things with an almost 2yr old hanging on you.

It's the right decision. She'll be thrilled. I may eventually make great strides in healing and self discovery. As an added bonus Mike and I can have lunch together when he works from home. It would be nice to get to know each other as a couple again. I think the months before we make it legal are a good time for that.

It does make me feel a little overwhelmed. I have so many things I want to do and now I'll have time to do it.

Define Yourself

I've been thinking a lot about this full time daycare stuff. “What is it that I'm so worried about?”, I keep asking myself. My own judgment of myself. It is harsh and unforgiving. Where is the root of all this? I was raised by a mother who often worked two jobs and always taught me that the worst thing I could be was dependent on a man. I am independent by nature. I long to make my own financial contributions to the family beyond my domestic contributions.

I really had to shift my whole sense of self after Riley was born. I wanted a baby. Woah! I wanted to be with her. Woah! I had no choice as far as work went and I never imagined how strongly (after working my whole life) I'd want to be home. Part of forgiving myself for "giving up on my dream and selling out to some American dream substitute" was that it was temporary! Surely, by the time Riley was 2 I'd be myself again. Hmmm...

Ok, yes I was an artist with huge dreams and I thought settling down was just a way of limiting myself. I craved independent stability and success. I had been raised by a wonderful working mother. All these things had to be influencing the feelings of complete failure I felt at staying at home without Riley, but there had to be something else to it.

Things have been physically challenging and I'm lucky to have made it through some horrifyingly lean times. Now, I hear my friend use the term "house wife" to refer to me and suddenly I understand my own resistance. I fear losing myself the way my mother did. I don't want to define myself as "house wife" or "stay at home mom" because those things only define me in relation to other people. I am incredibly weary of losing myself in motherhood completely, the way I perceived my mother to have done.

Sacrifices must be made (and are well worth it)in the case of any parent, but there are limits. I love my children, but I love me too. I want my own happiness as much as I want theirs. I want a happy marriage and an active social life. I want to always know that at my core I'm the same girl I was when I started this journey. Sigh, unfortunately understanding did not yield acceptance yet. I still want to wave a magic wand and start a fabulous full time job in my chosen career before Riley goes to full time day care. It'll work out somehow. I can't believe how far we've come in two years. In the meantime I strive to be a well rounded human.

Unfamilar Potty Test

Today, as is the case with most Mondays, Riley went to daycare. She wore a dress for easy access. It was a Tinkerbell dress with some tulle on the skirt and she insisted on her pink kitty rain boats with it. Once we got there I pulled some loose red shorts on underneath. She was quite the fashion plate. I was very hopeful that Riley would set a good example for the other almost 2yr olds and go on the potty.

I brought her over early so I could discuss what we've been doing at home, make sure Riley knew where the potty was, etc. She was excited by the idea of a treat so she sat right down on the puppy potty and passed gas. She was a bit disappointed the potty was empty. I was sure she needed to go again, but she scampered off and wet the red shorts. I made her sit on the potty, but I guess she was done. Miss D showed all the babies the "Potty Dance" and told them they would do it every time someone went on the potty.

It was then, knowing that she was in good hands (as always) that I took my leave. I have low expectations for the first serious day of using the potty at daycare, but I think it's important to establish early that home isn't the only place we use the potty. I'll keep everyone posted on her progress.