Nice List

The sticker chart prevailed! Well, not on its own mind you. I kept thinking "it takes twenty one days to break a habit." For the first two weeks we were fit free about every other day. I think what finally penetrated was when I told her to think about Cinderella, The Stepsisters were selfish and mean and had a fit tearing her dress to shreds! No happy ending for them. Cinderella was kind and generous. That's why she deserved the magic that took her to the ball. Honestly, that was the one I saw register. I guess I shouldn't be to surprised, it would have had an impact on five-year-old me.

Sticker charts, Cinderella and identifying a serious growth spurt were what she needed. With Disney princesses cheering her on and a jam packed lunch box we soon had a perfect week! The next one was even better she earned smiley faces every day. She even had a day with the elusive gold star! Her teacher and I were so proud! We still check her chart every day before we leave school, but it's been a long time since we had a fit. I can honestly say I can't remember the last one. Thank Goodness!

She was beaming when her video message from Santa revealed her nice list status. She's a superstar! Don't get me wrong every now and then we have a bedtime fit or some mean words, but for the most part my Riley is back. Take heed parents, light at the end of the tunnel. I've heard the odd years are rougher for kids. The beginning of 3 and 5 certainly were for Miss Roo. Gold stars for both of us!

I'm Not a Fan of 5...

I got a phone call yesterday that Miss Roo's glasses were ready to be picked up. It was good news, but five had already proven to be an extremely difficult year. I love my kids dearly, but certain phases are painful for everyone involved. The beginning of three certainly comes to mind. I thought we were bracing for Isaac's difficult transition to middle school, but it was smooth sailing. Riley however became melodramatic, mean, dishonest and unpredictable. The world made no sense to me when the behavior started. I know now that I gave her way to much sway with the school transition and her cram packed month of birthday festivities. I just kept waiting for things to "go back to normal." Normal is not static, it is fluid and often changes as soon as you have a handle on it.

I started to feel like I didn't even know this person. I reported things she told me to her teacher only to find out they were completely untrue. So embarrassing, how could I have known when prior to now she had always been truthful? She wasn't so drastically different at home, but I started feeling the old tingling-of-the-Spidey-Senses. I was suddenly overcome with anxiety that Miss Roo was misbehaving at school. Could she be...a bad kid? After everything we went through at the beginning of the school year I thought her strange behavior was over. Wrong-O.

I soon became overwhelmed by her nightly fits at bedtime. To clarify: throwing herself to ground, screaming, kicking, saying nasty things fits, every night. I was blind-sided. I reacted badly at first, feeding into the drama (oops). After a few night I made some adjustments gave her new incentives to go to bed peacefully and enlisted Mike for back up. Once we were out of the woods (phew) at home my Spidy Sense about school grew. Sure enough I went to pick her up thinking we'd grab her glasses on the way home and had my suspicion confirmed.

I arrived as they were finishing up lunch. Roo's greeting was over-enthusiastic and I knew something was up. When I approached her teacher it was obvious something had just gone down. Miss K had an incident report for me to sign, ugh! Apparently, Riley decided she didn't want to eat anything in her lunch except the fruit snacks. Now these are the healthy natural fruit snacks, but they are still "a treat" and Miss K told her (as Mom would have) that she needed to eat a few bites of her sandwich first. Riley's response was to throw herself from her chair to the ground so hard she was injured.

I mean really! Who IS this kid? Where did my sweet, logical little problem solver go? I bit my lip and tried not to cry from frustration. Next, even though I knew the answer I asked if this had happened before. I felt sick. I told her about the bedtime issues we'd recently resolved. We agreed we needed to be in communication about the "fit issue." She'd always been such a good kid. I was so frustrated and afraid I'd caused this by putting her in the bad environment, not taking her out sooner or not reacting to it properly when it started. Nonetheless, things had changed it was time for a new strategy. It felt like three all over again, maybe worse.

We went straight home (without a stop for her glasses) and talked about her choices. I said the things I've said a hundred times "Did the fit solve the problem? Did it make things better? Did it make anybody happy?" "You have to use your words to solve problems." And so on. I made a sticker chart so we could keep track of days without fits. I devised a whole reward system with emphasis on the positive reinforcement. I was sure knowing that the teacher and I were communicating would go a long way. I knew we could nip this nasty habit right in the bud if we handled it well.

It's never linear though this growing up stuff. I dropped off her beautiful Frozen themed sticker chart this morning with high hopes, but I know this like everything else will be a process. After school today there was a note instead of a sticker and I was totally bummed. We picked up Riley's glasses on the way home. She looks gorgeous in them, but it's a tangible reminder of all the change.

There's always time to make better choices, Miss Roo. Let's do this.

Being A Social Detective

Isaac is a very smart boy, but the rules of social interaction do not come easy for him. He's not naturally very observant in general. His age also tends to be a rather self-involved period of existence. It's often clear that he just doesn't understand why the other kids react the way they do. Like the workbook I mentioned a few days ago, the materials we gathered for to help with this over the summer are fundamentally better than all the discussions we've ever had on the subject. They bring these issues into an academic arena (where he's comfortable) and out of the context of having just gotten in trouble (when he's less likely to absorb anything).

The book we've been using most often is called Diary of a Social Detective. It's really fun. It has a school aged narrator, Johnny, who's description of himself in the introduction was absolutely uncanny. Minus one or two small details he is Isaac. Johnny helps the kids at school solve their social mysteries one case at a time.

We've done four so far. The Back Away Buddy which was all about playing too aggressively and invading others' personal space. It focused on reading your playmates' physical clues and settling down/backing off. A great lesson. There was one about a girl who's friends kept getting mad at her and it turned out she was talking way too loud. She got them in trouble in the library and spilled the beans on a secret. That one discusses observing how loud those around you are talking and making adjustments. I was sooooo bad at this growing up. We read about a kid who couldn't figure out why everyone was always laughing at him. It focused on sarcasm. It's definitely a concept the intelligent, but unobservant child may miss.

My favorite so far was case 4. It was about a bully. It not only discussed what would motivate a someone to want to humiliate someone else it also discusses what you can do to stop being such an appealing victim. It was very well written. It went over the difference between tattling and setting boundaries. It touched on having respect for yourself and knowing how you deserve to be treated. It also talked about how very important how you say things is. Presented as always in a fun fictional detective style.

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We always do them together. I scanned a copy of the case sheet from the back of the book and I print a new one for each case. We take turns reading and discussing which are important to record. Then we stop before the resolution to talk about what we think the answer is before we read the end. It's very much a game. Sometimes, it doesn't seem to sink in right away but I'm often surprised.

The night we read the bully case Isaac and Riley were playing in his room. I was working at my desk and listening. I heard them happily pretending some elaborate scenario, but then I heard the dreaded silence. I braced myself for a scream of rage or the noise of a toy being tossed, but instead heard "Don't do that, Riley." in a clear unemotional tone. There was a brief silence and then she answered "Ok, I won't." Just like that the happy play noises resumed.

Not a whiny tone, a yell, a smack or a tossed toy was heard in the ensuing hour and change of that they played. The usual unresolvable conflicts didn't arise. They communicated like people. Well, I'll be! Not only did he learn something today his example was rubbing off on his 2.5yr old sister! Wow. I think it's important to do the cases with him because when the subject's a little close to home he tends to have trouble being objective. Afterwards though if I leave him to his devices it seems to get processed. Yay!

Is that like a summation of parenting in general or what? Teach them well and then give them room to be independent.