What the?!?

In my head I'm her. Freshly showered, hair brushed, make up on, cute dress, freshly pressed apron, clean kitchen and dinner on the stove. In reality? I'm less than put together and I've been unable to literally lift a finger towards cleaning the kitchen (or more accurately an arm). So, are there any House fans out there?

• 30 year old female (with Cerebral Palsy)
• Full spinal fusion 2yrs ago
• Hardware removal on 5/3/12 from my upper back.
• Wheelchair tipped over 5/13 and my upper back hit the front step. An X-ray was taken the following day, no injury.
• 5/21 severe pain starts.
• No fever, no redness, the skin is not hot to the touch.
• No injury recent to the pain.
• Some swelling.
• Taken Advil, used ice and heat.
• Vitals and blood work have not been taken.
• MRI taken 5/29 indicates a FRACTURE on T4
• More tests have been scheduled to confirm fracture and rule out bone infection.
• Pain continues to be debilitating.

Catch that? A spine fracture. How bad ass am I taking care of two kids with a spine fracture for two weeks with only Advil. I thought caring for and breastfeeding an infant after spinal surgery was hard...Well it was. This is equally difficult because I can move around, but using my arms is excruciating. So, I'm well enough to be up and around, but not functional. I have two kids and a puppy who depend on me.

Another weekend to live through before CT and bone scan on Tuesday. I'm pretty sure I glow in the dark at this point. Freaking ouch. Typing is becoming bothersome as well. I'm hoping this will all be over shortly. I have a life to get on with, this is nuts.

I'm Not Going To Take It...

I am supposed to go back to Old Ortho in the morning for MRI results. I have decided I won't. I cannot justify the stress that hell hole causes me. Does it still hurt, yes. Do I need to know what do next, yes. I do not think it's necessary to go there. I called this afternoon to see if he'd bothered to read my results. He had not. I told her to have him call me before my appointment tomorrow. He won't. Instead I will begin calling when the phone lines go on in the morning and keep calling until there's an explanation. If the information warrants going in to the office I will, I'm not enjoying my condition. If it's a matter of picking up a prescription he can fax it to the pharmacy. In the worst case (which wouldn't at all surprise me) if he knows nothing then there's nothing he can do but offer pain meds.

I won't be too dopey to be articulate about my pain and I won't go back if I don't have to. If he knows nothing then I'll try to get in with "the back guy" and my new ortho's office. I suppose with an MRI from the surgeon who did my last surgery (but knows nothing about my pain) they may take me. This is me being hopeful.

I'm thinking horrific sprain or other such injury since I never did develop a fever. Other more scary things are possible, but less likely. If there's fluid in there at least it's a quick fix. A sponge left over from surgery would be infuriating and complicated. A tumor...well it's not because what are the odds (outside of prime time TV) that a person would develop a tumor in the same spot metal was removed 3wks earlier?

I think I'll have ice cream for breakfast tomorrow. Prayers for answers and relief please.

Paging Dr. House!

I went to the doctor today, armed with my planner so we could schedule the hip replacement. I may not be in control of... well anything in my life right now, but my left hip has betrayed me for the last time and it is outta here!

I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm wrong a lot. The MRI gave a clear image for the first time in over ten years because there's no more hardware in there. Wouldn't you know it, I'm not the only one who was wrong. We did not schedule a hip replacement because the Ortho's diagnosis was wrong.

Don't get me wrong it's bad just not the exact kind of bad we thought it was. I was stunned. My whole course of treatment thus far (back surgery, hardware removal from my hip, all the physical therapy, the tests) was based on an incorrect diagnosis. Now I know how the patients on House feel. Not that I'm dying, but chronic pain and a toddler at home isn't really living.

The Ortho insists I go for a second opinion. He doesn't want to do anything more until someone else looks at me. Ugh. My medical history is so complicated and no one takes my insurance. My other choice, which isn't really an option, is to give up.

I can just stop perusing a solution. I can load up on the cortisone injects which we thought killed the circulation in my hip in the first place. I can pop pain pills which will make me apathetic to the pain without relieving it. Someday when I can no longer bare weight at all I can just stop walking.

Are House and I the only ones who care WHY this is happening? Or how to stop it? I was wrong about both my medical issues, but having no answers for the moment feels scary and hopeless. I've been through this before and I know how hard it will be to be heard. I know how much work is involved in getting answers. Damn it.

I wish I could give up, but that would require a lobotomy and I'm maxed on surgeries for one lifetime. Maybe, 80's movies and chocolate will inspire an enlightened new plan or at least trippy dreams.

Bad To The Bone

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Green Beer? Corned beef and cabbage? Parade? Nah. I think I'll get an MRI.

This time I was assured that since we were only looking at one hip it would only take 45min. I didn't get off on the right foot that day. I woke up feeling stressed and rushed and when Mike made a criticism of something I did I collapsed into a tearful heap. It was going to be a good day. Family in green-Check. Dressed in clothes with no metal-Check. Breakfast-Check. Let's go get this magnetic resonance imaging on.

I messed up the appointment time I thought I was supposed to be there by 9:30, but apparently I was on the books for noon. Oops. They talked to the tech who said I could stay and have my test because his next patient was booked for a double study and never made it all the way through. I feel her pain. Phew.

This time my mom held Riley in the waiting room, sound asleep. I shuffled in eying the hard table I would be strapped to unable to move for the next 45min of my life. The tech sweetly assured me we'd get this done as quick as possible and offered me a blanket so I'd be comfortable.

There I was laying on the hard table, strapped in, blanketed up and being slid into a tube like a plunger into a syringe. It was a full minute before the machine kicked on roaring in strange inconsistent non-rhythms. Even though I had been warned to hold still I jumped, thank you startle reflex. It was a few minutes later that my nose began to itch. I was beyond frustrated and I became hyper aware of the awkward way my hands were resting on my collarbone.

I tried to shut out the trapped feeling and all the noise the best I could. I'd close my eyes and try to call up positive images, eventually the starting or stopping of the noise around me or an imaginary baby's cry would jar me back to reality. Back to my coffin. Back to the intensifying pain spreading though my lower back into my hips. Back to the reality of what this test means.

At the very end I managed to doze off, sometime after he told me there were 15min left. I was rudely awakened from have formed dream images by the machine shutting down. I peeled myself off the table and shuffled out the door thinking "I've done it. I given the Ortho everything he needs to replace my hip." Here we go.