Venturing Out

Today was the day. I was finally going to leave the bed and the house. We went down town for a nice lunch with Mike's family. He has an aunt who comes to town twice a year or so and it seemed like good timing. Stir crazy! Up and out. Hurray! I squeezed into my loosest jeans (first real clothes since surgery) for the occasion.

The restaurant is in a small airport so the kids spent a lot of time watching the planes take off. I felt good, almost normal. As time wore on we paid for disrupting Riley's nap schedule and eventually my body revolted too. Too much sitting at a 90 degree angle, but my lunch was delicious and the company was wonderful.

Before we left we took a few quick photos in front of the tree. This one is my kids and my niece. Super sweet. We booked it home to our beds after the pictures. Later, I ate my leftovers from lunch happily. I sat up and socialized from 1-4pm, I'm a rock star. I think I'll try venturing out on my own this week.

Back to Normal(ish)

Let me start by saying it has not been all Facebook and Netflix on the couch since my surgery in November, at all. In fact, I did not allow myself a "laying around period" post surgery this time. I got out of the hospital on Wednesday and on Friday night I through Isaac's 9th birthday party. Then that Saturday I went to a baby shower and so on...You're getting the picture. I tried to disrupt our "normal" as little as possible.

Riley goes to play with her friends 3 days a week. Those three days are supposed to be the day I rest and have quality time with Isaac. Instead, I drop Riley off and hit the ground running trying to squeeze as much productivity as is humanly possible into those few precious hours. Until two weeks ago therapy came to me and I was still cautiously weight bearing. Not anymore. I started out patient physical therapy two weeks ago. I was also told by the doctor "you're healed, go crazy."

To clarify healed means the bones knitted back together and I am in no danger of popping it out or re-breaking. It does not mean I'm back to my level of functioning pre-surgery. There's been a lot of atrophy and there was always weakness. Not to mention I have never had both hips in the sockets in 30yrs. I have to learn to walk closer to the way normal people do (at least as far as my hips go) it's been tricky.

I digress, I have in the last three days in (addition to cleaning, organizing, blogging, crafting, homework checking, entertaining, cooking. bathing, etc) started finally doing dishes and laundry without assistance! I know my life is soooo glamorous. We do not have a dishwasher so standing and hand washing dishes was a test of endurance, but I passed the other day. Although my laundry room is accessible by wheelchair there's no getting the clothes out of the washer without standing, reaching and a wee bit of climbing, but I did that too.

Did I mention I was tired? My dad who's also recovering from orthopedic surgery (he broke his leg) keeps asking me if I'm bored. I wish. No, actually I don't. This is better than bored, just tiring.

This Is Now

If you had known me before, not before becoming a mother, (I've kind of beat that horse to death), but before all of it. Before I left LA. If you had known me in the happiest part of my single adult life would you like me now?

If you had known me living in LA, working a good job to pay the bills, perusing my dream (and getting somewhere), having an active social life (not just dating although, I did that too) and taking care of myself would you even recognize me now? I was a someone on my way to big things. I was pretty then because unlike now I showered everyday had hair and nail appointments and slept as much as I pleased.

My body ignored my happiness and betrayed me. I felt things changing and then after so many years of waiting there he was. Someone asking me to come be with him and I went. I was raised to guard my independence fiercely and I always had. Now I took the first conscious step towards leaving the life I knew behind.

Life just kept relentlessly happening. Now I find myself on the end of a long rough patch. I am breathless and shocked at my reflection. I actually told someone very excitedly today "I know it's only Wednesday, but I've had a shower every day this week!". Just to put that in context I moved down here (suddenly raising a toddler) lost my job, got depressed, found a job, got pregnant, lost the job, got put on bed rest most of the pregnancy (trips to the bathroom only), delivered a premature baby via C-section, post partum breast feeding every two hours, derailed by horrible pain, underwent major back surgery (still breast feeding), minor hip surgery with a first grader and a toddler in a house that was too small. That's the summary version anyway (and doesn't take into account what was happening with anyone else in the house). So, I let myself go a bit.

I'm still here and breathing. My relationship stayed together, that was no small feat. I made it to a bigger house. I made it to a place in my recovery where the future holds potential again. If only I didn't look well like "I'd been through a lot." I hope I can bounce back physically the way I've recovered emotionally.

I have dreams and aspirations again, even if they are mutant cousins of the ones I started with. I have goals for myself physically as far as recovery/strength building and weight/appearance. I also have a deadline because I'm planning my wedding. I tried on the dress I bought three years ago and it's clear I'm not the same shape I was then. The change is nothing drastic, but some work is in order (on both me and the dress). Please stop by the new blog to read all about my wedding adventures and deep thoughts on marriage: Ready, Set, Happily Ever After

I put one foot in front of the other, albeit shakily. Could this be, me getting on with my life? Lookout, world.

The Gravity Test

Today, I was still tired. So, tired that I put on a pair of Riley's socks by mistake and wore them ALL day. By the way, as it turns out you can only wear baby socks for 8hrs before your feet go numb from loss of circulation. You laugh, but I happen to have a similar pair of ankle socks. At least I'm making progress on the putting on my own shoes and socks front. I really lost hope for a while.

It'll be one year since my spinal fusion surgery in a few weeks. That marks the halfway point to a full recovery from that procedure. My fingers froze for a moment over the keys after I wrote that. Halfway? Can that be right? Must be.

This is going to sound ridiculous, but I can tell things are getting better because I'm falling a lot more. I'm being completely serious. It means first of all that I'm on my feet more. You have to get up to fall down. It also means I'm taking more risks balance-wise. Thinking about things a little less. Becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

After my surgery moving around in my altered body was a little driving a rental car with the emergency brake on for several miles. I have gone through the surgery and recovery process many times in my life, but never as an adult with a baby at home. I really had no idea what to expect from myself after such a major operation. I was very worried the pain would decrease, but I'd never get my mobility back.

Maybe it's the new house, but I feel more positive about things now. As my mom pointed out, more like the "old Katie". I don't feel like anything has changed, but everything feels different. Maybe, my psyche is leading the healing process now. I even made dinner for the first time in a long time. I made baked ziti in my new kitchen. It was amazing probably more than usual because I made it. Now if I can do that more than once a month that would be something. Baby steps.

More moving, more falling, more healing!