This Is Now

If you had known me before, not before becoming a mother, (I've kind of beat that horse to death), but before all of it. Before I left LA. If you had known me in the happiest part of my single adult life would you like me now?

If you had known me living in LA, working a good job to pay the bills, perusing my dream (and getting somewhere), having an active social life (not just dating although, I did that too) and taking care of myself would you even recognize me now? I was a someone on my way to big things. I was pretty then because unlike now I showered everyday had hair and nail appointments and slept as much as I pleased.

My body ignored my happiness and betrayed me. I felt things changing and then after so many years of waiting there he was. Someone asking me to come be with him and I went. I was raised to guard my independence fiercely and I always had. Now I took the first conscious step towards leaving the life I knew behind.

Life just kept relentlessly happening. Now I find myself on the end of a long rough patch. I am breathless and shocked at my reflection. I actually told someone very excitedly today "I know it's only Wednesday, but I've had a shower every day this week!". Just to put that in context I moved down here (suddenly raising a toddler) lost my job, got depressed, found a job, got pregnant, lost the job, got put on bed rest most of the pregnancy (trips to the bathroom only), delivered a premature baby via C-section, post partum breast feeding every two hours, derailed by horrible pain, underwent major back surgery (still breast feeding), minor hip surgery with a first grader and a toddler in a house that was too small. That's the summary version anyway (and doesn't take into account what was happening with anyone else in the house). So, I let myself go a bit.

I'm still here and breathing. My relationship stayed together, that was no small feat. I made it to a bigger house. I made it to a place in my recovery where the future holds potential again. If only I didn't look well like "I'd been through a lot." I hope I can bounce back physically the way I've recovered emotionally.

I have dreams and aspirations again, even if they are mutant cousins of the ones I started with. I have goals for myself physically as far as recovery/strength building and weight/appearance. I also have a deadline because I'm planning my wedding. I tried on the dress I bought three years ago and it's clear I'm not the same shape I was then. The change is nothing drastic, but some work is in order (on both me and the dress). Please stop by the new blog to read all about my wedding adventures and deep thoughts on marriage: Ready, Set, Happily Ever After

I put one foot in front of the other, albeit shakily. Could this be, me getting on with my life? Lookout, world.