Week END.

This week my often present to the point of annoyance partner in parenting was completely MIA. It was supposed to be 48hrs of him disappearing before 7:30am and rolling in well after 11pm. It did not go down that way at all. He had to go a day early and help an extra day at the end. Apparently the conference was a huge success and everyone's pleased. Everyone except me who is exhausted.

Thursday, Miss Roo's little boyfriend came to play. It was a beautiful day out so they spent most of the time they were here in the backyard. I love our backyard so much! After nap my mom surprised me by showing up with dinner. It was a good day. I thought I'd made it through and I could relax a little.

Friday, Mike was off again. I took Riley over to Boo's and all the babies seemed off. Sad or tired or sick, just off. I stayed until lunch time trying to help and hug them all. I went home and fell sound asleep on the couch until it was time to get Isaac from school. Not long after I got a phone call about Riley and rushed off to scoop her up as well.

Mike was home by dinner time for the first time all week, but Riley fell alsleep at the table which isn't like her at all. A few hours later she was up screaming and burning up. So much for some quality time with Mike and a good night's sleep. Tylenol helped and she went back to bed. She was up and down all night long, sans fever. Damn two year molars!

YAWN...

The Tricky Stuff

Isaac went out to take out the garbage and when he came back he made an attempt to turn the door knob and apparently failed. He proceeded to knock urgently. Mike and I yelled almost in unison that it was unlocked. He persisted knocking without further attempt to let himself in despite having just seconds before having passed through the door.

Mike went and opened the door. He spent several minutes convincing Isaac the door had been unlocked and making sure he could get in next time. Do you picture that Far Side cartoon with the gifted boy pushing on the pull door? Me too.

We all had a good laugh about how Isaac couldn't work a door knob and returned to our tasks. As he was passing through the living room Isaac said:
I didn't know, Mom!
I heard. That's pretty silly. At least you know now.
I never learned to use a door knob, you know
(I assume he's still joking, but he continues)
You know why?
Why you can't use a door?
Yeah, it's because my mother never taught me. You know, my real mom.
(I take this odd comment in, before responding) Isaac, your mom left when you were a very small baby. Even if she had wanted to teach you couldn't have turned a door knob.
Oh...Well, I miss her.
Isaac you don't know her. You can't miss someone you don't know. You're curious about her and you think about her and that's normal, but you don't miss her.
Well, I remember her visiting me one time when-
Isaac she's visited you a few times since she left, but most people's moms see them every day.
Yeah, because they're...good.
Yes, she made some bad choices and she continues to and part of that is not seeing you. You're lucky you have people who love you to take care of you.
(long pause)Yeah (and he skips off to the shower)

At first I thought it was an "oh, poor me I can't open a door because my mom left" experiment to see if this would allow him to get away with stuff. This would explain why he said all this to me rather than Mike and the attitude of “testing” something he had. I think I handled it pretty well. I don't think there's any need to bad mouth her, but he's old enough to understand she left by choice and hasn't ever been a significant presence in his life by choice.

I wonder if he has any idea his occasional comments about her affect me? Probably not, as an almost 9yr old boy he's usually the center of his universe. Still, maybe it was trying to get at me for some reason. Either way, I hope I handled as well as I think I did. I look forward to more comprehensible musings on his "real mom" in the future. It's always hazy and random so far. Someday, maybe he’ll realize I chose to be here when I didn't have to be and her choosing to leave won't matter as much.

The Age Difference

I had absolutely no control of the age difference between my children. I didn't give birth to the first one. I was in another state finishing the first semester of my junior year of college when he made his debut. When Mike and I started dating he had a chubby faced toddler and neither of us was really wanted to have babies.

After moving in I felt really saddened by Isaac's lack of a live in playmate. It just seemed wrong to open Christmas presents and play with them alone. It just wouldn't do. Thanks to my biological clock and some less than predictable timing I gave Isaac a sibling two months before his 7th birthday.

In the beginning it was ridiculously hard. I had a baby in the NICU and no energy to spare for anything or anyone else. After she came home I had a newborn breast feeding every two hours on top of housework. Getting Isaac to and from school always upset the apple cart. Trying to get through his homework while anchored to the couch with Riley on my chest got dramatic a few times. When I had my back surgery Riley started to crawl and that changed her relationship with her brother forever. Suddenly she was mobile and that made her fun.

They have an incredibly typical sibling relationship. They laugh and play and push each others buttons. What's hard now in these walking, talking days is when they parallel each other. For example more than once Riley has been hard core teething and Isaac's teeth have been falling out. Sometimes I swear they've circulated memos in advance and are ganging up on me by both having a problem in the exact same moment. Even worse, Isaac hit the late bed wetting stage just as Riley was beginning to potty train.

They have been good for each other in so many ways. They keep each other entertained. She gives him confidence because he can do things for her. She's teaching him to pick up his toys (no kidding). It's good for my poor socially awkward boy to have someone to interact with most of the time. Practice, practice, practice. He's teaching her to build things. She's getting very good with Legos. There are also daily lessons in sharing and how to respect the property of others on both sides.

Sometimes I wish they were closer in age so they could experience things together instead of a shade under a decade apart. Having such a big gap often reminds me how much of Isaac's life I missed. Almost five years without a mother in your life is a long time. I'm grateful for the understanding of those years that having Riley has given me. I'm also sad that my relationship with him, however loving and maternal will never be the same as my relationship with Riley. I'm also glad beyond words that I only had one pregnancy and I have two kids. It's a good deal.

In the end I think he'll always take care of her because he's so much older. She'll always look up to her big brother and they'll both remember having a sibling fondly. I know Mike and I do.

The Stuff of Legend

Why are stepmothers in fairytales always ugly or cruel? They never save anyone or have fairy godmothers on their side. They are rarely beautiful and their intelligence is always used to manipulate and control. Why?

Maybe in the society these stories were penned in a woman old enough or worldly enough to marry a widower was thought of as impure. Maybe they were rewarding virginal young girls with royal marriages and punishing the biddies who were willing to be with a man who was married before to send a moral message. That's not quite right though.

Are they saying that any woman who would marry a man who has children already must be after something. Were they warning against gold diggers and society climbers. Maybe they're commenting on the practical rather emotional reasons a man with children would rush to remarry after his wife passes. Loveless marriages can take all kinds of turns. Perhaps single fathers were simply uncomfortable disciplining their daughters. They could berate or slap an unruly boy, but not their sweet little girl. Many fathers in modern times have trouble with this. If this is the case it's conceivable that stepmothers are just getting a bad rap for doing daddy's dirty work.

A more disturbing theory would be that the men who wrote these tales simply couldn't conceive of loving a child that wasn't biologically yours. We've all heard the clique "I won't raise another man's child". This simply isn't how most women are wired. A child in need of love and care becomes ours in a different but no less powerful way than one we bear ourselves.

It seems to me that all the stepmothers I remember from these stories marry widowers none of these men have been estranged in any way from living spouses. Maybe because they couldn't conceive of a woman abandoning her children, it's a difficult notion even in modern times. There is no story in the dusty volumes of fairy tales for me.

I am the nonexistent beautiful stepmother who saved the child abdomen by his mother. I gave him love and care not bread crumbs and chores. I never denied him happiness. In time I gave him a sibling who is his equal not the crowned princess to his foot servant. I brought sunshine back into the house and completed a family. I never stole, lied, cheated or plotted anyone's murder. I never placed anyone under an evil spell. I simply choose to love a man who had a child with someone who left them behind. It was not a simple choice and is always a difficult job, but I didn't take it on to snatch a kingdom. Where is the true in all the fiction?