Morning Off

Last week I negotiated a morning off. I asked Mike to get up with Riley on Sundays. I wanted him to physically get out of bed with her and give her breakfast and hang out with her so I could sleep in. The first time we tried it Progress Energy was having issues and after about 15min of the bed to myself the power was off and a drowsy Mike and concerned Riley were back in bed. Today it worked out much better. Mike got up with Riley at about 8am and fed her. When I woke up at 11 (WooHoo!) they were just comming home from Joanne's where they got some more supplies for the party. It was a really pleasant day after I got up. I felt really productive. I'm gonna like Sundays.

Independence in Degrees

Last night was night two in the crib for Riley. There was no tears for baby or mommy this time. She had a bath and got in jammies after dinner. She played until she was tired, nursed in my bed and Mike took her to the crib at 10pm.

After she fell asleep I laid in bed in the silence feeling overwhelming anxiety. After so long of having her with me it felt like an appendage was missing. I wanted to get up and check on her like I used to and I couldn't. I got really emotional. I'm been thinking a lot about my friend's baby who died a few months after her first birthday. Riley and I both made it through. She came back to bed with us from 6am-9am. We consider that "sleeping in" on a Saturday now. Phew.

It was a good thing we got some sleep because we had a busy day. Mike and I bought all the supplies for Riley's party so I got started on my hedgehog finger puppet favors. This was exciting because I've had "learn to sew" on my to do list for a while. It took me from 5ish hours to make the first one even with Mike's help.

When that was finished we headed off to the open house for my friend's new home day care. Riley wore her pretty purple dress and all of our favorite babies were there. They had a blast. All the babies laughed and played so well together. I was so happy to be there with all those happy babies. It was a great event.

However when I got home I cried. Maybe it was Riley growing up, maybe it was discussing my next surgery with all my friends, but I think it had more to do my friend "moving on" with her life when I can't. I'm so happy to have spent Riley's first year home with her, but I thought I would be able to gain more of a life of my own by now. I'm not saying full time career, but maybe part time (like teach a class or two) while Riley went to my friend's amazing new home daycare. Instead of a new chapter of independence for both of us I have surgery to look forward to.

Still hoping I'm on a river not a latter.

Back to the Crib

Deja Vu! I am exhausted and ready for the baby to sleep in her own bed. We did this when she was 2mo old. From 2mo-9mo she slept through the night in her own crib most nights. When she was 9mo I had surgery and she started coming to bed with me. I brought her to bed because I couldn't get her to/from the crib at first and then when she was sick I kept her in bed with me so I could get more sleep which ironically is the reason I'm kicking her out of my bed now. I was worried about sending her back to the crib and then going back to the hospital and her feeling abandoned or associating the crib with mommy disappearing. I asked about this at my mommy group and the wise words that answered me were "you look tired. You have to sleep to be ready for your hip surgery." Oh. yeah, me. I forgot about what's best for me again. Happy mom, happy baby. Sleep all round. Back to the crib! I was so anxious about re-transitioning her I kept rushing bedtime. I bathed her and put her in comfy jammies hours before it was time. As soon as she wanted to nurse I went into her nursery turned on the lullaby cd and the nightlight and started rocking her. It was too early she wanted to play. I tried putting her in her crib and she played in it. So we took her out turned on the light and put her on the floor with her toys to play. That's when we made the second mistake, Mike closed her door. She started screaming. I think she thought she was in trouble. Eventually we put her in the crib again, but now she was really upset. In the end I brought her into bed with us. I nursed her, calmed her down, and when she was asleep we put her in the crib. She slept from 9:30 to midnight and after a few minutes was back to sleep again until 4am. At 4am Mike brought her to me and I nursed her and changed her wet diaper but she refused to go back to sleep. Mike took her back into her room and rocked her and sung to her until 5am. Finally he put her in the crib and left the room. She screamed for a gut wrenching 10min. First she called Daddy and then Mama and finally she was screaming Baby(as in you forgot the baby). I watched the clock it was 10mins and then she laid down and slept. We survived even after all our mistakes. She spent the whole night in her crib.

The Before Life

If I close my eyes I can imagine it. I am single again. No one changes the radio station in my car. I work to pay the bills and audition to feel alive. Weekends are all potential. I can take spur of the moment trips and I do. I can dream about the future because it's wide open. I am free and independent and happy where I am. I don't have to discuss my decisions or argue with anyone but myself about spending money. I read a book a week. That was before, which was in the grand scheme of things not so long ago, but it's hard to imagine that I lived that lifetime before this one. Where is the moment when they touched? In that time I thought of a time like this as giving up. Where am I? I am certainly in a place where I hope that I am riding a river and not climbing a latter. I am tired of fighting. I fought for my dream in my before life. Now I fight to be able to function. I have always understood that I would fight my whole life, but I never thought about fighting all of someone else's life. I hope there's a time when the pain and the surgeries and uncertainty are beyond me. I hope there's a time when I can laugh about everything I went through when Riley was small. It's hard to imagine now. There is alot to be grateful for now in the midst of all the stress and healing, but I am not where I ever imagined I'd be. Maybe expectations are my problem. I remember crying myself to sleep in New York because I wasn't where I thought I'd be one year out of college. Now it is almost ten years and it's been quite an adventure. Almost none of it was what I expected. I wouldn't take any of it back, but sometimes I wish I could fast forward.

First Day of School

2nd grade!

He was excited going out the door and coming back in. He described his teacher as "the best." I agree. She sent home a class newsletter with her phone number, email and their class website. After a year of pulling teeth to communicate it was beyond refreshing. One of their first assignments was to put 5 objects in a bag that describe who they are. Isaac picked a family picture (proud big brother), Legos, his wireless computer mouse, a geode and a picture he drew of a time machine. I was smiling all day picturing a whole room of 2nd graders presenting their "me bags." It's gonna be a good year.

One on One Time

Isaac did not have good first grade year. I gave birth a few weeks in so I wasn't as involved as I was in kindergarten. The teacher was unquestionably overwhelmed and I suspected hormonal. A smart kid like Isaac who required a little more leg work to keep engaged was just an added stress. Also, concerned parents like us who wanted to be in frequent communication added to that. (I was right by the way she gave birth in August.) So, after an all too important summer of science camp keeping him engaged and too busy to dwell, second grade loomed. The school sent home the name of his teacher and the date and time for the "meet the teacher" day during his last week of camp. This seemed like a really important step in controlling Isaac's understandably mounting anxiety about school starting. It also seemed like a perfect opportunity for some one on two time (just Isaac, Mike and I). As soon as we dropped Riley off that morning I felt like we'd gone back in time a year. Just the 3 of us in the car having a talk about time travel, black holes or whatever was on Isaac's mind just then. I think even when you only have 2 kids alone time with mom and dad is important, but especially after a new baby and major surgery take one parent away and a full time job claims the other. It was just time (also Riley and I have been Siamese Twins for almost 3mos, it was a welcome break). Other than the horrible unpleasantness caused by inadequate parking and an open time window event on a Saturday it was a great day. From the moment she opened the door we were flooded with relief. She was enthusiastic, super organized and happy to receive us. Her classroom was inviting and she had a very practical system of positive reinforcement in place. She described groupping kids by skill level and having an advanced group. She provided all the supplies for the class and gave us a "wish list" of supplies parents could purchase for the class. I felt like I'd been holding my breath all summer and I could finally breath again. We left the school feeling good about the academic year that was about to start. Isaac requested a happy meal for his special lunch to celebrate being a 2nd grader and the 3 of us went home and watched some Phineas and Ferb together before going to pick up Riley. It was a pretty good day and certainly not the last one on two time we'll have with that silly 2nd grader.

When Things Get too Serious...

Give a baby a kazoo