Settled On vs. Settled In

I know everyone's tired of hearing about the move, but It's given me some perspective. You know how in the movies some sage old man is always telling some heartbroken young man that he'll know when he finds "the one" because he'll see his future when he looks in her eyes? I'm having that experience with this house.

The old house was a dark cave where I mourned my past and couldn't picture my future. The sidewalk just ended at the edge of a cliff at the end of the world. I was angry at the stifling nature of the physical dwelling (by virtue of lack of space) which in turn stunted my imagination. Every time I pictured the future I pictured it somewhere else.

I remember simply being incapable of imagining a having a family with my ex-boyfriend. I loved him and believed at the time I'd be with him forever, but I couldn't even daydream our kids. It just wasn't there. It was like that with the old house. I couldn't see the kids growing up there even when I tried. I could only see the present and sometimes the past (shudder) there.

In this house I see Isaac's high school graduation party, I see Riley's prom, I see all the milestones lined up like little bright stars on the horizon. I can see so many birthday parties, play dates, slumber parties and games of tag in the yard. When Riley's been trying to communicate something with me and she finally gets what she wants she always says "yes, dis!". Well, that's it exactly "yes, dis."

It isn't just the physical structure, but more what being here has done for my perspective. I feel like making this change brought oxygen rushing back into my lungs again. Now, I have hope. My dwindling social life is returning to a healthy place, my painfully slow recovery from the spinal fusion got a push in the right direction, my sense of ownership is renewed and therefore my powerlessness is fading. My relationship with the world is different because when I go home I have my own space. Not just room, but my own little corner just for my writing, crafting, scrap booking, etc. I no longer return to the place where I store things and sleep. A clean slate and a project to attack as a team has done wonders for my relationship. It "reversed the signs of aging." I know that where ever you go there you are, but it turns out the old happy smiley Katie was waiting for me here.

If Love Were an Airplane Nobody'd Get On

Recently, some couples close to me split up. Married people with families. I'm so confused by this turn of events in all the recent cases because they'd all been together many years and had at least two kids.

I feel for them and I sincerely hope everything works out for the best, but I was surprised that my knee jerk reaction to the news was not what I expected. I had the reaction of a selfish child. I balled my fists and screamed, "but what about me!", at least in my mind.

I suddenly felt hopeless. They had it all together, they were happy and they didn't make it. I'm a disaster and we're always working through things. Our odds must be negative numbers.

Marriage was something I hadn't even considered for most of my life. I saw marriages fail all around and in later years I watched people enter into them with completely unrealistic expectations. I watched people set themselves up to fail. I knew that statistically almost half of all marriages in this country fail and now I was seeing the context.

When my parents split up I didn't kick and scream inwardly or out. I simply felt relief. I was glad they could go be happy. I've never completely understood why my parents got married to begin with, but I've heard both of my parents say repeatedly over the years that they stayed married because "kids should have two parents." I knew in that case exactly what had happened and it seemed for the best when it ended.

Lately, my world is tilting on its axis because the news has come over and over that people I thought had the answers are calling it quits. Maybe I'm simply too far away from their day to day to understand what happened. From where I sit they were what I aspired to. They had love, children, friendship and it seemed to me that had "it". "It" being the immunization against the statistics. They would make it, I'd tell myself. If I could find the answers they had so would we.

Maybe I see too much black and white where there are only shades of gray. I have this first child, over-achiever outlook that if you follow the rules and do the right thing it should work out for you in the end. Again, I've been wrong before. I thought if only Mike and I could be like the "together people" we'd be bullet proof.

I've spent my whole life thinking of marriage as an impossible promise to keep. Why would I, rule follower that I am, ever make a promise I can't keep? When Mike and I got together we discussed marriage at length and I decided it may not be the hopeless cause I thought. As obstacle after obstacle took priority over a wedding these last couple years I've fluctuated between hot and cold feet several times.

I often think if we can work though this issue we'll be ready or if we get past that we'll get married. I don't want to go into this with my eyes closed. I want to talk about things, work things out and feel secure, but recently it occurred to me that I had it wrong, again. I don't think you're supposed to get an A+ on being a couple and then earn the gold star of marriage. Maybe the idea is you get married and agree to spend the rest of your lives getting it right. Of course like breastfeeding (the third biggest commitment two people can make) both of you have to be on board. If one of you is committed and the other one isn't, it's no dice. You can lead a baby to the breast, but...well you know. It's the same with marriage, you can't spend your whole life as Sisyphus. Take it from an all too often Sisyphus, some impossible tasks are worth it. I have an uphill battle just getting my pants on some days. so it tarnishes my view of marriage greatly. Sometimes, like in my parents case, walking away is the best option for everyone.

"If love was a plane, Nobody'd get on. Imagine now, the pilot's voice, on the intercom right before we leave the ground. sayin, folks thanks for flyin with us, but theres a 6 in 10 chance we're goin' down."

Would You Be Mine? Could You Be Mine? Won't You Be My Neighbor?

The day started (like most have lately) with pain, fatigue and more packing. Enough to empty the entertainment center and a desk. I put up the "bat signal" in morning hoping someone with a vehicle large enough would come to our aid transporting bookshelves, the desk, etc. I was feeling pretty down on myself because I hadn't had multiple offers to help. I going down the "I have to do everything" spiral by the afternoon. So, I decided it was time to get out. After Riley's nap we headed over to Boo's house so we could play, but be near the new house when loads of stuff came. It wasn't until I got there that the clouds parted in my brain and I remembered it was a weekday and everyone was working, duh.

Help arrived around 4pm with a load of stuff from the old house and by 5:30p Mike was ready to start reassembling furniture. Riley and I invited ourselves to diner after Boo clearly articulated "cat-tah cheez" (cottage cheese) and Riley lit up like a light bulb and tried to run up the highchair. It's always hard to separate the girls between how much they love each other and how entertaining they are to their mothers'. I think toddlers should be used in conflict resolution senarios. How can you be mad when a tiny person is popping from around the corner yelling "I see you" and shaking their head while crooning "silly mommy!" I think it's impossible.

We managed to get over to the new house about 7pm. Mike brought in the washer and dryer, yay! Painting the baseboards was almost done and the entertainment center was waiting to be assembled. I think if we didn't have kids we'd be moved by now. Not only transported all our belongings but decorated all the rooms. Sigh.

Isaac took Riley into the backyard to play. Soon there was a shouted exchange over the fence and the neighbor's kids invaded. I love the choas a house full of children brings. It was so nice to put faces and names together. Not to mention make a second impression while conscious. They all played really sweetly and I got to chat with S and his wife. Mike popped some break and bake cookies in our new digital oven and the bonding was complete. It was heartbreaking when it all had to come to an end, but it was a school night.

There are moments of clarity in life when you just know without a shadow of a doubt what the next step is (I wish there were more). Forward motion is very necessary and very scary. The universe always pats you on the back when you've done the right thing if you make yourself open to it, at least in my experience. Thank God, for this house, this new start, and these wonderful neighbors.

Communication Stinks

I think every parent has been in the middle of three things and absentmindedly said yes to something that they shouldn't or wouldn't have, "zombie answer". It happens to the best of us. The consequences usually involve a flooded bath room, food explosion in the microwave, missing keys (wallet, cell phone, etc). There's also the case of "the over-ask". When you've been asked 27 times for anything it has the exact opposite affect then was intended.

Yesterday, Isaac asked me every 30 seconds from the time he got home until bedtime for $2. I was already planning to give it to him before he asked, but after the 5th time I said snapped and told him if asked again there wouldn't be a field trip. As a result I was so sick of hearing and thinking about it that the money didn't get paperclipped to the permission slip before he left for school. I have to admit I'm glad he had to sweat it out a bit before the money was dropped off in the office for him. "The over-ask" is one of the worst.

On the other hand there's the "didn't I tell you.." Mike is a big perpetrator of that. I discuss my plan for months and he nods along until the day of when there's suddenly a huge problem. He usually thinks he told me about it, but sometimes he admits he's been thinking about it all week and not mentioned it. Typically, I'll ask him to do me a favor and typically it's something I usually do that if he took over would allow me a break. He agrees enthusiastically in the moment "because I should rest". I remind him of my approaching break and he absentmindedly nods or grunts from behind his laptop with best of intentions. When the day arrives though, the reality of everything he's agreed to is too much. He's overwhelmed and (perhaps because he feels guilty) he doesn't let me in on this until the last minute. At this point we're both overwhelmed and irritated. Badly timed information makes for a bad day.

The other time this happens a lot is invitations. It always goes like this. Me: Hey do you want to go to (family gathering, wedding, birthday party, etc)? We have (other events/nothing) that weekend. What do you think? Mike: Ok. That's fine. A few days later Me: Don't forget we're going to _______ this weekend. Mike: Oh, yeah. Ok. The day before Me: We have that thing tomorrow. Mike: Oh ok..do we have (the gift, directions, etc) Me: Yes, we're all set The day of Mike: Why are we going to this? (As he searches for his other shoe, keys, wallet, etc) Me: You said you wanted to go. We already told them and our kids we were going. Mike: (continues to complain as he grumpily heads out the door) In the car Mike: What we should have done was...(better plan for the weekend, getting there, the gift I picked, etc that he has not previously shared until this moment)

The mother of them all is the lie of omission. Not an absent minded forgetful thing (often revealing itself with the worst of possible timing), but a malicious omission. Like when you ask "where ya going?"/"whatcha doing?" and get "no where/nothing" as an answer. No good ever comes after someone answers "no where or nothing" to a direct question. When it's a child it results in similar or more devastating destruction than the "zombie answer." With your spouse it's way worse. It is never a romantic surprise like us girls always hope for. It's a 3am trip to Taco Bell, an entire weekend working on the car while you watch the kids by yourself, the demolition of your kitchen for the sake of a project or the bank account suddenly being in overdraft. Beyond that it makes me feel like a monster or at least not an equal partner.

I'm human too. I would understand your desperate need for a taco just tell me before I wake up find you gone and have an anxiety attack. I watch way too much TV to assume everything's fine when you're not in bed in the middle of the night. I certainly understand needing to disappear for a while, but it works much better if we're both in on it. I even understand that there are occasionally things worth draining the bank account for, but if you don't give me a chance to agree or come up with a plan B than I feel irrelevant. I don't want to be the Nanny who enforces the rules and keeps everyone in line while you get to be the fun impulsive one. We're supposed to be in it together.

Communication is a lot like a traffic light that's out at a major intersection. Either everyone does what they are supposed to do and executes a beautiful four way stop or it's chaos. I've seen it done many times. When I lived in California people understood the procedure and followed it amazingly well, most of the time. I was always filled with anxiety coming up to a light that was out and then I'd see everyone waiting their turn and my faith in humanity would replenish itself. On the other hand some people plow through obviously causing accidents, nearly missing police officers directing traffic and making everyone else really nervous. The goal is to do more of the former and than everyone gets what they need. Here's hoping.

Steppin' Out With My Baby

I hate late. I'm always 5min early when I'm in charge. Often these days my ability to be punctual is subject to whims of a 1.5yr old. I digress, late is exactly how date night began. I was ready at 4pm and still recovering from my MRI the day before. I sat on the couch dressed and ready, waiting. I supervised Isaac's dinner. At 5:30pm Isaac was on his way to TaeKwonDo. At the same time Riley was waiting outside to be picked up from daycare and Mike was, of course, running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Once Riley was delivered to Grandpa and Ya-ya we were off. The plan had been a nice sit down dinner and some alone time before the play, but we were down to 30ish minutes. We swung through a drive-thu and sought out a good parking space. Sitting in front of the theater shoveling food wasn't how I'd imagined my evening. I was super excited for the kids' fun night ahead and equally thrilled to see the play.

We were warned it was 3hrs long with 3 intermissions so we hit the bathrooms first and I brought my pillow. I read Whose Afraid Of Virginia Woolf in college and later saw the movie, but this was my first time seeing it live.

It was wonderful. It made me miss acting so much. I read the bios in the program and felt so deflated. I am in no shape to make it through a three hour performance. I always loved small cast shows. I think that's why I loved playing Estelle in No Exit so much. Maybe it's shows with small casts and alot of intensity like Virginia Woolf.

After the show we had planned to go out to dessert to make up for not going out to dinner. By the time the show was over it was 11:30 and I was tired. Also Riley played with her best friend all day and Isaac went from school to TKD before they both went to grandpa's. I missed them.

Soon enough we had scooped up the sleeping/sleepy kiddos and headed off to bed. Not a romantic fantasy, no real quality time to talk, but one heck of a show. I remember the first time we went on a picnic as a family we forgot plates (among other things). I laughed and said we'll get it right next time. The next time we had plates, but no bug spray. It continued on that way for a few picnics, but now-a-days we have a system down. Date night's like that.

We were horribly out of practice and it had it's hiccups. Mike turned to me on the way home and said "we'll get it better next time." I think so. I hope so. He also pointed out that with one date night every month or two we'll never get in the swing of things. Good point. With the best of intentions I can say I hope "more practice" comes to pass.

Cheating Dreams

We fell asleep Valentines night watching TV and then I had this dream. I dreamt I was on a train and I had alot of luggage. I was anxious about how I was going to get all the luggage off the train. It was strange to be so worried about something like that in a dream. It was also strange that I had my crutches because I'm almost never disabled in my dreams.
Anyway, I'm riding this train somewhere near Boston and I'm sitting in the back row by myself. After a little while of worrying about all my luggage some guys get on. I think there were three of them, but it was a pretty nondescript group. They sat in the row in front of me expect for the blonde guy. He sat next to me and smiled warmly. I thought he was really cute and at that moment in the dream I wasn't sure if it was ok for me to do something about it.
He offered to carry some of my bags when the train got to the station. I was thrilled. He and his friends got off with my bags. When I was getting off my crutch fell between the train and the platform straight down onto the tracks. I was pretty freaked out. I got lucky and a maintenance guy walked by. I didn't dream the whole process of retrieving it, but I did start to worry that in all this time the stranger I entrusted with my bags had taken off with them.
When I finally got into the station there he was by himself with my bags. I was so relieved. He flashed me another smile and invited me to get some lunch. We're sitting in the little restaurant in the train station and he's sitting next to me on the same side of the table. We're talking and laughing and he says "Are you going to kiss me or what?" Although I didn't realize I was dreaming, I did know the rules were different here. So, I kissed him. It was a really good kiss.
After a few seconds of goofy smiling I decided I had to tell him, but I reasoned that it was ok because the rules were different here. "Listen, I need to tell you something. I'm not single. I have kids." He takes this in and instead of asking me to run away with him like any respectable dream guy, he freaks out. He starts yelling and screaming about how I'm unbelievable, etc
Even though things didn't go well in the dream I woke up feeling so guilty. I always feel guilty when I cheat in a dream and I'm always angry when Mike cheats in my dream. I've woken up and punched him in the arm a few times for being a jerk in my dream. Recently, I dreamt he was letting his ex-girlfriend inject him with heroin. I think I stayed mad for a week over that one.
According to Article Alley "In most cases, however, a dream about a cheating boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse is not about the spouse at all. Rather, the dream is most likely caused by insecurity, anxiety or guilt on the part of the dreamer."
I can buy that. We didn't have a very romantic V-day and I felt really bad about it. I went through the whole postpartum and post-weening body issue roller coaster while recovering from surgery so I had more than my share of insecurities. No matter how rational the reason behind these dreams they will continue to make me feel guilty or angry. I just hope I have a better reason to feel guilty next time.

Valentine's Day

I was in  a completely different place when it came around last year . Beyond lowered expectations, I was tired this year. I dropped the ball big time. It's not my personality to wait until the last minute and holidays/traditions are so important to me. I always valued tradition.Through all the pain, surgery and resulting isolation holidays been a way to still feel connected to humanity. Valentine's Day is near and dear to me because it's such a crafty holiday. I made these shirts for the kids:

The girl onesie I made for Riley and her daycare friends



Isaac modeling the "Offical Valentine Candy Inspector" shirt I made



The onesies hanging on the cubbies at daycare

The boy onesie I made

They look impressive but a little photo shop effort and some t-shirt transfer printer paper is all it takes. I was just going to make one for Riley and Isaac, but they only had 5 packs of 18mo onesies so I did one for each baby at daycare. I also made each of Riley's friends a valentine. Since I had some recent experience I decided to make the babies heart pillows. I had all the shirts and heart pillows for Riley's baby friends done the week before:

All the finished pillows (minus Jack's)

Hard at work

I wrote the date on the bottom and Love Riley on the back (Riley's said Love Mommy)

The kids weren't my sole focus I even had a budget friendly, time consuming, romantic idea for a gift for Mike. I enlisted a co-conspirator weeks ahead of time. I really wanted to show Mike how much I appreciate him through the last year, but I totally dropped the ball. Complete failure. I was empty handed when the day came. I didn't even have a note to give him. I was really bummed, but I wasn't alone. Mike didn't have anything either and that includes plans.

I spent the day at Riley's daycare and Mike had a long day at work so we were both really tired. We didn't have a babysitter. We kind of blew the going out budget and babysitting favors on dinner and a movie for my birthday. Isaac was having stomach issues so going out as a family was out. We ended up going through the drive-thru at Taco Bell for dinner since no one had the energy to cook or the patience to wait for dinner.

After a romantic dinner of Taco Bell we put the kids to bed. We watched Castle and House and fell sound asleep with the TV on like a couple of old farts. I guess I'm getting older or (more jaded?) because that was fine with me. I felt tired more than disappointed.

We'll make up for it on our anniversary, I hope.

Here Comes 2011...

Even though popular opinion seems to be that 2010 should not let the door hit it on the way out I, strangely enough, have no ill will for 2010. It absolutely refused to follow any of my plans and unrelentingly kicked my butt. I watched my little girl grow from a 3mo old infant all the way into a full fledged walking, talking 15mo old toddler. I watched Mike thrive at a job that not only paid the bills, but made him happy. I saw some old friendships change and fade and some new friends become family.

I had enough pain to be grateful for my strength, enough tears to cherish the laughter and enough love to keep going. I missed my body before all the pain, my life before the baby, my career before Mike, my parents before the divorce, but overall I was so grateful to be in a much better place than 2009 and (hopefully) on the road to lasting recovery.

I had exactly zero desire to ring in 2011 at a party New Years Eve so of course a babysitter materialized. I decided I couldn't no matter how tired pass up a night out without the kids. So I packed up some pajamas for the kiddos and one of their new movies and dropped them off with Grandpa and Grandma shortly after 7pm.

Dates are so few and far between we always have to get used to the aloneness for a bit. We went to a sushi place for dinner. The same restaurant we had been to almost a year earlier with a tiny newborn Riley. That first trip I did far less eating than sitting in the car breastfeeding. They had refused to make a reservation for a party of two on New Years Eve, but told me I was on the "wait list." Upon arriving I discovered that we weren't on any lists, but that there was informed "only one party ahead of us." The minutes passed and we watched what seemed like an endless parade of people come and go from the restaurant. Just when we began to wonder if we'd been forgotten we were seated.

I was told when Riley was about 2mo old to attempt to have a 5-10min discussion with Mike without talking about the kids. I think 15 months later we finally did it! Mind you most of the conversation found it's way to the kids, but in the form of lighthearted funny moments instead of the usual daily logistics. It was a nice dinner, worth the wait. Sitting the length of time it takes to get served at a restaurant is a challenge for my inflexible back and I was very worn out after we ate. It seemed too early to pick up the kids so we went home where I laid down and Mike checked his email, party animals all the way.

We went to get the kids around 9:45 and Riley was out cold in the pack and play as expected and Isaac was buzzing around in his super hero pajamas. They were surprised that we were back so soon, but I could tell they were ready for bed too.

We got the kids home to bed and Mike woke me up at midnight for a kiss. Happy New Year!!

This is Halloween

Note the Cheshire Cat Pumpkin (:

Little Miss Tinkerbell

Back...to the Future!

I had originally planned to use Riley's red birthday dress and sew a hood for her to be "Riley Red Ridding Hood." I had also intended not to dress up this year. Long Sigh...Parenthood and Plans are not so friendly with each other.

I had thought sewing a 12month size cape would be a "simple" project. Funny because I still have no idea how to use the sewing machine and decided after major back surgery would be a good time to learn. In the end I couldn't muster the time or energy despite buying a pattern and beyond that I realized at Riley's one year photo session that her party dress was getting awful short. A trip to Target later Riley and I both had a costume. She would be Tinkerbell and I would be Alice.

Not everyone's costume deviated from the plan however, Isaac's costume came out perfect. He requested a "Marty McFly from Back to the Future costume" way back in August. For those of you who remember the Ghostbuster costume we made for him two years ago I promise he comes up with stuff on his own I don't tell him to be characters from 80's movies. I thought it was a great idea and pretty straight forward. He had jeans, a t-shirt, and a button up shirt. I had a smallish jean jacket so all we needed was the orange vest. I scoured the Internet for one and after losing two auctions on Ebay I sunk 30ish bucks into a shiny new one from the Gap. I figure he can wear it after Halloween, pass it on to Riley and I may be able to wear it as well. The orange vest is kind of the lynch pin of Marty McFly's attire. Without he would have been a kid wearing layers.

I had been toying with notion of dressing as Alice from "Alice in Wonderland", but Internet searches had proved discouraging. Adult costumes for woman are so slutty! I wasn't going to trick-or-treat with my kids looking like a stripper. Anything with more class was super expensive for example the one I loved on Etsy was $70. Now to leap from not buying a costume at all to spending $70 was something I wasn't willing to do. I settled for a children's large size Alice from Target. It was inaccurate and not very well made, but I was not going to be mistaken for a hooker. There was one snag, I got home and tried it on and it was pretty darn short. Not a big deal if your walking, but I was going out in the wheelchair...I almost scraped the whole idea but got some stripey tights and sucked it up (trick or treating with a one year was going to be more of a sprint than a marathon anyway).

In years past Mike and I had mucked things up trying to trick or trick in my childhood neighborhood, his childhood neighborhood and the one we currently live in. Holidays are so complicated when you're a parent (throw in a set of divorced parents each on top of that). Of course Halloween is nothing compared to Thanksgiving and Christmas. Reconciling our warm fuzzy childhood memories with each other and splitting time between grandparents now that all of them live here is a major complication. We were fortunate to grow up in prime trick or treating areas. This year I decided I'd dress the kids and myself and (with assistance because I'm not that healed yet) drop by my old neighborhood earlier in the evening figuring it would give family and friends a chance to say hi and if Riley pooped out Mike would be fresh to take Isaac out for round two.

It went well except that as we pulled up in front of my childhood home I spotted a 10yr old wearing the exact same Alice costume, so embarrassing. Yes, I let the one year old have candy, but that wasn't my original intention. She was holding her own cute little candy bucket and while we were making the rounds I discovered she had pulled out a piece of chocolate and bitten through the wrapper! I traded her the drooly chocolate for a lollipop while she was riding in my lap. Shug, it's Halloween. Both kids sailing on a respectable sugar high made it through my old neighborhood, stopped home and went through our neighborhood with Mike. After that leg of begging door to door for candy was over Isaac made his annual trip to a nearby haunted house where he calmed older girls by assuring them he would protect them and hold their hands.

Lose some, lose some

So, the whole morning off plan completely failed which at this point is not entirely surprising. I was horribly disappointed and proceeded to have a complete psychotic breakdown. Very unbecoming for a mother (or a human being) and not my usual reaction to severe stress.

I couldn't bear the fatique, pain, stress of the suregery postponement, weaning, sleep training and the repeated disappointment of not being able to sleep a little extra on Sundays. Oh, well. So after things had calmed down and the day was proceeding relatively normally I had Mike put Riley down for her nap. She went down for nap with minimal fussing. Another feeding down. In my head I'm singing "Another One Bites the Dust" Now it's just`first nap and bedtime. We're getting there.

Last Chance for Date Night

With my surgery looming tonight was our last chance for a date before Thursday. We lined up a sitter (thanks Mom) and started looking for something to do. I've rarely left the house since the surgery and only without the baby 2 or 3 times for doctors appointments as far as out alone with Mike that would be a big old once. Needless to say I'm a little out of touch so all the movies I wanted to see had already left theaters. I was hellbent on a comedy for obvious reasons, but most of the movies that are out are geared toward 14yr old girls.

I was bemoaning the loss of the dollar movies who surely would have still, been running some "older" films, honestly it's ridiculous how quickly movies pass through theaters now, when Mike found a place a half an hour away still running our first choice Dinner for Schmucks. As long as we were driving the half an hour Mike knew a BBQ place he wanted to re-patronize.

We left while Riley was still napping. I was ok with that because of all the sleep problems lately, but the longer I sat in the driveway while Mike made trips back and forth for things he'd forgotten the more anxious I got. I found out later the last time he shut the door it woke the baby. The drive went quickly and the place looked ordinary enough. It had an old fashion one man box office out front and a marque from before the digital age. A hand written sign told us to purchase tickets inside.

We were greeted warmly by an older black man in jeans and a t-shirt behind the concession stand who confirmed what at least 20 hand written signs had foretold "cash only". Gee, remember when cash was the only choice at all the movie theaters? They had an ATM so we proceeded to purchase tickets and snacks in one transaction which he rang up on a non-digital cash register. We got a large drink which he informed us was free refills and then proceeded to tell us chuckling "well, I guess they're not really free since you already paid for them." When I asked for gummi bears he said "well, (still chuckling) they're not really gummi bears. That's a brand you know. These are Care Bears...well it does say gummi bears on there too. They should sue. I would." The whole transaction 2 tickets ($3 a piece), a large soda, and two kinds of candy was $20. That takes me back.

We proceeded to the ticket taker who wasn't quite the inviting presence the other man had been. Mike later compared him to Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show. He was slight of build and off-putting for sure. But when he spoke out came this high pitched, feminine almost southern sounding voice sincerely hoping we would enjoy the show. Still laughing inwardly we walked into the theater all avocado green and metal seats. The way I remember theaters before stadium seating. It was a Sunday so we were 2 out of maybe 7 people there. I was 3x more excited than I had been before we got there.

The movie was really funny and weird. A total plus in our book. Steve Carell plays an accountant's whose hobby is making really elaborate scenes with taxidermied mice. It was good stuff. I called home and to my surprise Riley was playing blissfully. When I say to my surprise I mean I was surprised at how that made me feel. It's completely expected for her to be happy, but the idea that it would make me sad that was strange. Dinner was at a restaurant that used to be a big old house and now you eat ribs on the porch. The waiter was very nice. We ordered and then I heard the door slam behind me assuming it was rolls I didn't even look. It was our dinner. It could not have more than 5min no exaggeration. He set it down laughing and said "I tell ya I just don't know what takes them so long back there."

After dinner we headed home and the baby was sleeping soundly much to our disappointment as by now cuddle withdrawal was in full swing. Again, I was thrilled that she was sleeping well, but sad not to be needed to make that happen. That is the ambivalence that keeps cropping up for me in my quest to gain some separation.

We only had to wait about an hour and a half for some cuddle time (:

Morning Off

Last week I negotiated a morning off. I asked Mike to get up with Riley on Sundays. I wanted him to physically get out of bed with her and give her breakfast and hang out with her so I could sleep in. The first time we tried it Progress Energy was having issues and after about 15min of the bed to myself the power was off and a drowsy Mike and concerned Riley were back in bed. Today it worked out much better. Mike got up with Riley at about 8am and fed her. When I woke up at 11 (WooHoo!) they were just comming home from Joanne's where they got some more supplies for the party. It was a really pleasant day after I got up. I felt really productive. I'm gonna like Sundays.

A Note About Romance...

In my single days it was all about the grand (or small) romantic gestures. I would have given major organs for my boyfriend to show a little forethought and make a little effort (and sometimes just remember).

Now I have someone in my life who pulls out all the stops. He stays up until three am making a picnic for our horse back ride through the woods or spends the whole day making homemade Valentines chocolates. Wonderful chocolates (raspberry caramel, bananas foster, cheesecake, etc..). So, my wishes are granted, right?

Well, while he was slaving away on my treats I keep thinking about the mess I was going to wake up to Monday morning. I also was making my first honest attempt at "me time" while this was going on. Instead of him juggling the kids and his project while I was just being interrupted to feed Riley like I pictured I was on all day baby duty (guess who's getting a tooth). So, there was mess stress, constantly interrupted "me time" stress and we didn't get to spent much time together (and now that Mike's got a full time job outside the house it's alot harder to come by).

I realized my idea of romance has changed. I very much appreciate these gestures, but these days romantic equals anything that makes my life easier. Cleaning the house, taking the kids for a few hours, running me a hot bath and cuddling to watch a movie once the kids are asleep. That's romantic. Of course flowers and chocolates are always welcome, but not as exciting as a clean kitchen or an uninterrupted nap.

This morning Michael kissed me goodbye and then brought me the hungry baby and some diapers and wipes so I could stay in bed a little longer. That's a romantic gesture.

A Night Out Without the Baby

I have found I have about a two hour limit away from Riley before I become physically (thanks breastfeeding) and emotionally ready to see her again. Even in my worst moments when I want everyone and everything to go away I want to be with Riley. This past week Mike got invited to sing with his boss's band on Wednesday night. I was never a bar person even when I was single and Wednesday is right in the middle of the week. So here I was just recovered from camping, tired and coming down with a cold going to a bar on a Wednesday night.

Riley was sound asleep and unquestionably out for the night. I sucked it up and left his mom to sit with the sleeping kids. I was excited to be out with just Mike and to video his performance like the supportive girl I am. Not to mention it had been at least a year since we heard live music.

It was fun, too smokey but a nice change of pace. I was sad the whole time, but it was a small sadness and it didn't ruin my night. However, when it struck two hours I basically chased Mike out the door.

I knew Riley would be soundly sleeping and not even know I was gone. Two hours is just my emotional limit for now. When she came home from the hospital it was about 5min and by December I could handle an hour and now I'm up to two. They tell me someday I'll be glad for a break and I believe them even if I can't imagine it now.

Sweet Moments

When we started dating Michael said "I want to have a little girl and I want her to look just like you"

When we were at the hospital after Riley was born he said "I hope she's a beautiful geek, like you"