Orbiting the Inevitable

Have you ever had one of those impending events around which your calender and life begins to orbit? Everything is measured by how close it is to the event. Now you find yourself obsessing on it by alternately refusing to acknowledge it will really ever come to pass, and by vividly fantasizing about each and every detail. Shrouds of denial and worst case scenarios take alot out of a person.

This black hole in the center of your personal universe causes you to isolate yourself. The world, after all, is divided into "people who know" and "everyone else". This black hole seems benign enough, but as you get closer it threatens to suck you in. You find yourself helplessly circling a drain.

This week I couldn't think or feel or I would have thoughts and feelings about "it." So, I did not blog. I did not eat more than the bare minimum. I did not think more than I had to.

I did take more than the recommend amount of Advil. I did sit for as long as I could possibly tolerate for days, scrapbooking. I got Riley's album up to the beginning of 2010. It was already up to Thanksgiving 2009, but we had an absolute ton of pictures from that December. There was the first visit to Santa, family birthdays, all those Christmas related events and her front page appearance in the paper. I got the family album from Father's Day 2008 to Mike's Birthday that year in August. That group of pages included lots or birthdays, theme park trips, Isaac learning to ride a bike and fourth of July. Pretty good considering how long I can work before I have to take a break and lay down. I'm sorry I didn't post.

I was in survival mode. I don't anticipate another complete system shut down any time soon. It was a justifiable breakdown that I suffered. I have been through enough trauma to gage properly.

I do, however, regret all the worry that ultimately changed nothing. I am happy about the kind of productivity it afforded me though. It forced me to demand time for myself apologetically. I need to do that more often.