Unwanted Children, Undeserving Parents

This is probably the most heartbreaking situation I can Imagine. Unfortunately, it went from imaginary to part of my life some years ago. When I met Mike, he had Isaac who he'd been raising on his own since he was about 8mo old. Isaac's mother was young, completely unprepared for marriage or motherhood and selfish.

She abandoned her marriage and her only child after a few months.

As unthinkable as that was, it got worse. She had several other children since then and doesn't have custody of any of them.

Her actions would have been confusing to me before I had Riley, but since giving birth and experiencing motherhood from the beginning, they are absolutely unfathomable. I found out that this isn't by any means an uncommon event in this country.

“It is not clear how many infants are abandoned each year. In 1998 mothers abandoned as many as 31,000 children at hospitals in the United States.” health of children website

These trends are explained by increasing divorce rates, substance abuse, domestic abuse, but it still seems strange that mothers can just give birth to these children and walk away. I thought we were simply hard wired to love our children. Raising a child, for me, was a reward after an incredibly difficult pregnancy; the creation of life was something to be respected. Maybe that's where the problem starts. If someone has no knowledge of how special and rare a full-term healthy pregnancy is, then it may make it easier for them to walk away. I have so many dear friends who fought very hard for their biological children and even a few who endured difficult adoptions to earn their right to love a child as their own. It is hurtful to me that it's so easy for some women to conceive and then walk away from their baby (babies) without finding it a loving home or staying in contact with their child.

There's so much help and support out there now. Woman on the whole seem so much better educated about how their bodies' work. Why does this keep happening in such staggering numbers? It's not just the impoverished and addicted that do this. Isaac's mom was certainly neither when she made the choice for the first time.

On the flip side there is an interesting legal situation going on right now. When Isaac's mom had her 2nd child she was still legally married to Mike although they hadn't had any contact in years. Apparently, this means Mike is considered the boy's "legal father" and his dad is his "biological father." Um, what?!?

Presumed Father: The individual that the law presumes, until shown otherwise, to be the legal father of a child. This may not be the actual biological father of the child. The law in most states creates a "rebuttable presumption" that if a woman conceives or gives birth to a child while she is married, her husband will be "presumed" to be the father of the child. A similar "presumption" can also be created if a father voluntarily allows his name to be placed on a child's birth certificate. These legal presumptions will remain effective until they are successfully "rebutted," or challenged by someone in a formal legal proceeding. Legal Definition

So, there you have that. What does it actually amount to? Almost nothing. Mike has been mailed copies of a handful of legal documents dealing with the child. Even though he has produced paperwork to show officially he shares no biology and that he is legally divorced from his mother he is still considered "legal father."

The complication comes if anyone wants to legally adopt the child because Mike would have to terminate his rights. Talk about convoluted legal non-sense! How can Mike have rights to this kid? More over why is it so difficult to terminate them when his biological parents have been clearly established?

It hurts me on a personal level that they would just had out rights to children this way. They would never give Mike's ex-wife "legal mother" status to a child he conceived with another woman. The whole thing is pretty archaic. I don't think "illegitimate children" raise the same concerns they did in Victorian times, come on folks.

More over legal status has nothing to do with actually parenting a child. I know this because Isaac's mother has seen in a handful of times in almost 9yrs and I have raised him every day since he was 5yrs old and I will never have the parental rights she does. She will always be his mother legally and biologically and I, in the eyes of the law, am no one.

How backwards is the world when more children are being abandoned instead of less? There are so many broken-hearted people looking for a child to love.

The legal system we live under is so backwards that without sharing any biology or ever meeting a child you can be his "legal father", but any person can raise a child their whole life and never have parental rights under the law.