Hormone Flux Capacitor

It's been a strange week. I've been dead on my feet, super sensitive to smells, unable to eat or starved and weepy. I know what you're thinking. I've been thinking about that too. My rational brain knows it couldn't be. I had my tubes tied when Riley was born (for good reason). Mike insists it's just my hormones regulating from weaning. I weaned 4mo ago. I'm not sure I buy that...Also, my feet are hot! Not room temperature, which would be weird enough for me, but hot. The only time I ever complained because my feet weren't their normal arctic temperature was when I was pregnant.

Yes, it would be incredibly medically risky and I came to peace with only having one pregnancy a long time ago. Or I thought I did. Maybe it's my friend's beautiful new baby or exporting my pregnancy blog, but my ovaries are aching. I keep thinking he could be wrong I could be pregnant. That primal feminine part of my brain starts to unwind at the thought. It's possible. It could be a boy and than I could use my boy name I picked out. If I were pregnant it would be a miracle. It would be "meant to be". I fantasize off and on for days. I calculate all the kids' age differences. I imagine squeezing a crib into "the boys room." Um, hello? 911! I'd like to report a runaway imagination aided and abetted by crazy hormones.

It would be devastating if I were to get pregnant again. That is why I had my tubes tied. I grew a baby the only time in my life it was possible and that didn't exactly go smoothly. I had a lot of painfully and not completely temporary bumps in road the first time. If it were to happen again it would unquestionably be life threatening. If I were to gain a significant amount of weight and fall with my fused spine it would be disastrous. I would have to be on strict bed rest the whole time and I barely made it out with my sanity the first time. This time there would be a 17mo old running around. It would be awful.

I am grateful for what I have. I have no question I did the right thing, but I am still a woman with a biological and psychological drive to have babies. Riley's amazing, I couldn't ask for more, but sometimes I do. Maybe not out loud or with any real hope of changing things, but I ask. I think this may be the first time my disability really got in the way of what I wanted. Not just taking away the decision to have more kids (which may not have been different),  but also forcing me to have two major surgeries during my baby's first year and taking away any hope of reclaiming the career I left behind no matter how old the kids get.

Stupid CP plus bus injuries plus pregnancy strain plus deterioration from age! I have never blamed my disability/physical condition for anything, but I'm afraid having a baby gave me reason to be angry. I know it is not in my hands. I will simply make other choices and adapt the best I can. I will move forward, hopefully out of this hormone fog of emotions and baby obsession, and on with my life.

Maybe a part of it is not grieving properly for the loss of all those potential future babies. I didn't have time then, but maybe I can pencil it in now...