Treasured Moments

A tragedy occurred and sucked all the oxygen from the world. A dear friend lost her child. She was 18 and starting college in the fall. She hadn't done anything wrong. She's just gone. It hurts me on every level as a mother, a friend and a human being. I started typing a long winded post as I wept into my keyboard, but I changed my mind. This isn't the time or place to grieve. We were lucky enough to spend the day with our little friend while his parents attended his sister's funeral.

These kids have known each since they were a few weeks old, but they're growing up and seeing each other less. A whole day together was such a gift. When I told Riley we would be spending the day with our friend she said "That's so special, Mom! That is specialing me out!!" It was wonderful.

Instead of focusing on the despair, I watched my favorite kids play on the playground. It was a beautiful sunny day (even if jackets were required). In a matter of days they'll start going their separate ways, but not today! Today they laughed and played. Today they enjoyed each other. That's the only way to survive being a parent, one happy playground moment to the next.

Relentless March

I'm a little moody because of everything that's going on. I keep thinking about how much things have change. I'm a handful of months away from leaving my twenties behind forever. Strange. Within the next 2yrs (Riley's age in 3wks) Isaac will complete his first decade of life! Woah.

I took Miss Roo to a first birthday party this afternoon. It was for the baby of my little sister's high school friend. My sister who is forever 23yrs old in my mind has friends (like this one) who are well on their way to being families of four. Most of the guests by far were adults and, as if they were party favors, every group of them had a newborn.

This meant I was a "big kid Mommy". Tables have turned. I'm old, my baby grew up. I'm sooooo grateful not to have a newborn, but I'm not ready to have one of the oldest kids at the party. It's strange. I miss the intimacy of infancy and almost nothing else. Onward we go.

This evening we went to a get together in honor of a deceased family member. Riley fell asleep on the way and I was so grateful to cling to my tiny girl as she slept on me. It felt calming to hold the youngest member of the family while we mourned a patriarch's passing. It goes so quickly.

Everything You Leave Behind

How come every time I'm suddenly forced to think of "the before life" recently it's because someone has died? I mean I'm 29 not 89. Seriously, though it's scary.

In December I lost an important mentor from college. I was unable to attend his memorial in February. Even though it pained me deeply, I could not travel. The experience left me grieved for his loss and frustrated by my physical limitations preventing travel. As well as annoyed at my place in the world all these years since college. I've healed a little since then (emotionally, physically I seem to be falling apart).

Last night I came home exhausted and in pain. I was greeted by an invitation to a memorial for my friend who passed away. She actually passed in December, but the memorial the theatre company we were part of is throwing is next month.

How did my world get so small that I wouldn't know something like that had happened for months? I hate cancer. I hate how far away alot of my friends are. I hate that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get on a plane and see them while they're still living.

I want to go, but I am not doing well physically right now. New York City was too rough for me right out of college. I only lived there a year. I do miss it. I long to see my New York theater friends. I want to take a break from being Riley's mom and just be me. Change of scenery would do me good.

On the other hand what would I say to them? They knew me when I could do two shows a day and then go out to dinner. I miss that me. I'm sure now it would go something like: "Hi, how are you? I don't act anymore and my spine is fused. Want to see pictures of the baby?"

I'm dizzy just thinking about it all...Am I the only mom's who feels like she lived several separate lifetimes before ending up here?

Slam the Door

People throw the word closure around alot, but the concept is so important. I had loved ones pass while I was away at college and never really felt like they were gone even though rationally I understood. I remember that months later I broke into uncontrollable sobs because I suddenly felt their absence. Awash with pain and sobbing I still heard the metaphorical door slam on the world before their loss.

It happens in unexpected ways and often after you've already convinced yourself that the process is done. It's not just death that requires closure it's any permanent change. I remember, more than a year after my first real boyfriend cheated on and broke up with me, having a complete breakdown when I had to be back in the building where we had spent most of our relationship. Silly "me" thought I'd dealt with that.

I know this overwhelmingly cheery set of reflections doesn't seem to be heading down any sunny path of enlightenment, but it will one day. Reality has to smack you in the face pretty hard sometimes before acceptance becomes possible or denial loses it's grip.

Recently I've been thinking alot about my "before life." I kept imagining that it still existed somewhere in the shadows and when I was ready I'd put it back on like my pre-pregnancy jeans, It seemed to me simply a matter of will. Maybe if I just waiting long enough a resume option, like on the DVR would pop up for my life.

Over the last few weeks one small event after another started chipping away at my cocoon. First I went to a restaurant that I had loved and used to frequent when I was single.  I was sorely disappointed, it was the first time I said, out loud, "I guess things change". I continued to absorb the idea that the world is forever changed for a week or two. Little reminders gave way to that jaw breaking slap in the face I mentioned, someone very important to me was gone.

A mentor and teacher that I couldn't understand the world continuing without. Someone you couldn't cross paths with and remain unchanged. Someone back there in my "before life" whose existence comforted me. A man who's memory comforted me, knowing "He's still out there giving his unique brand of inspiration to new generations of artists".  Whatever else I am, I am one of his students.  Now he's gone.

There is no going back. I left LA, I left an acting career where it sat, I came home to heal and the pain got worse, I had a baby, I got worse, I had surgery to get better and now I'm battling the limitations imposed by those. No back ups, no do-overs.

I think I finally got a handle on this. My "before life" is gone. Not just gone like I left it in a storage locker and I can reclaim it, but dead and buried. Maybe I will get another chance to pursue my dream, but in my current state it seems to me I may have to adapt my dreams. Not in a "I'll take this pot off the burner for now" way, but accept that I can't have that life ever again.

I grieve deeply for it's loss, which I feel must be the necessary step to figure out what now. I feel hollowed out without the hope I'd been clutching to fill me up. I need to take a step back and consider the road ahead...

Finding Time to Cry

Everything has been building. The stress, the tension, the pain...I've been "taking it easy", but it's rare that I have a moment that I'm willing and able to have the catharsis, I clearly need at this point.

The universe has been nudging me in that direction. Last night at 10:00 there was a horrible noise out front and Michael ran out to find his car side swiped. Talk about adrenaline, phew. Then I woke up at 4:30am with a low grade fever drenched in sweat. I had trouble time getting back to sleep and then Riley was up at 6am. I was exhausted and I had to get Riley to her pediatrician for her 6mo check up and more shots. Like clockwork when we hit the 4hr mark after her appt she was a seriously cranky girl. At about that point I got a phone call that my high school friend and neighbor's 1yr old had passed away. As I sit, raw nerves absorbing all this the pouring rain begins and my pain increases exponentially.

Don't worry this isn't an entirely "woe is me" post. I wrote about my friend's loss on one of my mommy boards and someone who read it went to give her son one more kiss and found him tangled in his blankets. He had turned blue. He's ok, she saved his life with that good night kiss. I held Riley while she slept for over an hour tonight.

I'm so grateful for all that I have, especially Riley. I'm just a little black rain cloud, the rain will come. I just hope I'll feel relieved instead of weak and stupid.