How come every time I'm suddenly forced to think of "the before life" recently it's because someone has died? I mean I'm 29 not 89. Seriously, though it's scary.
In December I lost an important mentor from college. I was unable to attend his memorial in February. Even though it pained me deeply, I could not travel. The experience left me grieved for his loss and frustrated by my physical limitations preventing travel. As well as annoyed at my place in the world all these years since college. I've healed a little since then (emotionally, physically I seem to be falling apart).
Last night I came home exhausted and in pain. I was greeted by an invitation to a memorial for my friend who passed away. She actually passed in December, but the memorial the theatre company we were part of is throwing is next month.
How did my world get so small that I wouldn't know something like that had happened for months? I hate cancer. I hate how far away alot of my friends are. I hate that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get on a plane and see them while they're still living.
I want to go, but I am not doing well physically right now. New York City was too rough for me right out of college. I only lived there a year. I do miss it. I long to see my New York theater friends. I want to take a break from being Riley's mom and just be me. Change of scenery would do me good.
On the other hand what would I say to them? They knew me when I could do two shows a day and then go out to dinner. I miss that me. I'm sure now it would go something like: "Hi, how are you? I don't act anymore and my spine is fused. Want to see pictures of the baby?"
I'm dizzy just thinking about it all...Am I the only mom's who feels like she lived several separate lifetimes before ending up here?
You most likely HAVE lived many lifetimes before this. What you are experiencing now is giving your soul something that it was perhaps lacking in a past incarnation. If you look deeply into yourself, you may be able to figure out what that is, and rather than feeling like the "old you" has died, you will realize that YOU have ALWAYS been here, and that you are the same beautiful being. There really is a purpose for everything, and the opportunity and right to live your soul's purpose is always there when you are ready to take responsibility for it. The things you do, or used to do, never define who you truly are.
ReplyDeleteIf I had to guess, I would say that its not as much about losing your old life as you think, but more about losing your creative outlet. Or any outlet for that matter. I used to play and write music, but my children sort of put a damper on that ability since it requires a little peace and quiet. Now I do Taekwondo, which gives me a different set of goals and path of achievment. Since your body is not yet going to allow you to act, I would try another outlet. Maybe writing. Something fictional and not based on your life. Write something for you, not Riley. Something that can get your mind and creative bones moving again. You could also explore some of the activities they offer for adults through the rec centers, I've seen a few that seemed interesting. I know your life has changed a lot for the good, a little for the worse. But somewhere in there its clear you need to focus on you.
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