I Am I, Don Quixote

My heart is pumping at such a rate that I have no feeling in my limbs. I am shaking, numbly. First, I trembled wondering whether or not this was "the right time." Then I anguished over whether I'd been dismissed out of hand, sight unseen. Now, it's official and everything is committed. I am numbly shaking as acid rises up my esophagus. I can't think about how long it's been.

I must prepare. Over-prepare, but not obsess. It will be over soon and then it won't matter either way. It will be a thing I did. An experience I had. Maybe, it'll have consequences I can't foresee, but mostly I anticipate...nothing significant changing. I am afraid. I am old now. I am calling upon myself at an uncertain time. Please God, give me my old strength.

Now it is here. Today is the day. I feel oddly calm. After sleeping past eight, eating breakfast in peace and a long hot shower I feel as if I've taken a time machine back to before I had kids. I spend over an hour slowly blow drying and styling my hair! I kept thinking any minute someone would interrupt me, but no one did. Once I had done my hair and make-up I stood in front of the mirror holding up different outfits. It was amazing. When I looked ready the nerves set in...

I've been out of the game so freaking long. It was my whole life and it's nice to remember that life. At the same time, things have changed. I've never auditioned with crutches before ever. Not once. I'm unsure and I don't want to come off...amateur. I do a full warm up. Forty-five minutes of stretches, humming, vocal work and articulation. So decadent. I flew out the door as soon as Isaac was home from school.

I cursed the heat and my black dress all the way there. Unlike in the "old days" I found it easily and had no trouble parking. Pulling into the parking lot I had a moment where I consciously waited for this to feel normal...it never did. As I climbed out a pretty brunette walked bouncily by. I smiled warmly. When she smiled back I asked, "How'd it go?" She paused a moment and then said thoughtfully, "Good, I think. I'm still shaking." I locked the car, checked the time and made my way along the path the signs pointed out.

I was completely calm. When I approached the glass door an older gentleman held it open for me. He smiled warmly and I thanked him. Another man seated at a table looked up.
"Hello, do you have an appointment?"
"Yes."
"What time?"
"3:10" (which it was, on the nose)
"Ok...(scanning document) Victoria?"
"No, [My Name]"
"Oh. You're down here at 4:00"
"That's not what the email I got said."
"It's ok it's been running slow. Bad traffic. I just need your head shot."
(I hand it over)
(gesturing towards some chairs)"Have a seat, it won't be long."

He passed my head shot to the man who held the door for me. They have a very brief whispered conversation (I assume about the time slots). There are two other girls in the lobby one is reading quietly the other is looking for something. I hear her ask for call back sides for the character I'm auditioning for. They can't find them she's instructed to email the director. Both girls leave. He turns his attention to me:
"Will you be ready in a minute?"
"I'm ready when you are."
"Ok. I have to ask, can you climb the steps to the stage?"
"Yes, no problem"
(He disappears briefly and then comes back)
"Ok, you're up. You can leave your bag here."
"Great."

Walking into to the theater I shifted from numb to excited. Not regular excited, like I could weep for joy excited. Home. I'm me again. Thank God! There are two young men seated mid-way back. They greet me warmly too. They inform me I can deliver my audition in front of or on the stage. I tell them I'll go up on stage. The walk is long, down the incline on the crutches, but I am propelled by the adrenaline that is now pumping through every extremity. I probably could have leapt the stairs. Honestly, I wish that I had. In the past I dealt with my awkward gait up the stage steps, today awkward gait and crutches. I couldn't have been less graceful with a crutch sticking straight out like a freaking lance. Sigh.

Once I was up on stage I leaned those suckers against a handy podium first thing. I moved a chair as close to center as I could get it. I sat down. My fingertips and toes buzzed. They asked me about college and if I lived locally. I told them I was born here, went to college in Boston, lived in NYC and LA before moving back and starting a family. Later, probably because there wasn't anything else to obsess over I fixated on how I mentioned having a family. In a normal job interview it tells them you're settled here, but at an audition it might give the impression that I wouldn't commit to the show. Which is irritating because they'd be so very, very wrong to assume that.

They told me to go ahead whenever I was ready. I performed my piece, but I have almost no awareness of how it went because I felt like I was going to explode the whole time. Hello, adrenaline! I do remember distinctly that they reacted as if they enjoyed it. There were smiles. When I was done they said "Thank you." All very friendly, but it felt like a no. Off I went back to my real life minutes later.

The goal was never to get the part although that would have been lovely, it was to go. I did it. I went. I can go. I can be some version of who I once was. I remember how now.

"The wild winds of fortune
Will carry me onward,
Oh whithersoever they blow.
Whithersoever they blow,
Onward to glory I go!"

Enterprise Village

It's an amazing thing...a tradition and a rite of passage. For six weeks every 5th grade class in the county learns about being a grown up (well, the financial side). They go over budgets and banking. Each class is assigned three-four businesses and they get to apply for jobs. Isaac's teacher gave him the position of city planner. When I was in fifth grade I was the receptionist at the hospital. When Mike was in fifth grade he worked at the better business bureau. After six weeks of study and preparation your class spends one glorious day at Enterprise Village!

The kids get to dress up, work their job, cash pay checks and shop. Everyone eats lunch at McDonald's, gets a check-up and tries to complete their list of job responsibilities. It's super fun. So, I volunteered to help out. Unlike the kids I had a little over an hour of orientation to prepare. On the plus side I did get to wear a snazzy vest!

I had to give back my snazzy vest, but I came home with a kick ass t-shirt. I got it for making a $10 donation to a scholarship fund (Yay!). Isaac had a great day and was thrilled to get to keep his hard hat. I enjoyed myself too. I was wiped out by the end, but told Mike as long as I only have to do that every seven years, I'm good.

100 Happy Days: Fifth Ten

For those of you unfamiliar with the sunny little campaign that's making the rounds on social media click here.

Here's round five of my daily happy. In case you missed any they're here are one through ten, second set, third set and the fourth set. Ready, set...round five of looking on the bright side.

Here's forty one through fifty:

Free movie! #100HappyDays #Day41

Katie & Blankie for over 30yrs #100HappyDays #Day42

Library Books! #100HappyDays #Day43

Not JUST library books, library books for me!

A few weeks ago we gave Riley's class a caterpillar for a leopard moth that we found in the backyard. Her class watched it and even named it,Spot. Last night Spot emerged from the cocoon! Today at the preschool picnic they released him back into the wild! #100HappyDays #Day44 #metamorphosis #scienceisawesome

Me vs a cold round 2. Thank goodness for hot showers and Emergen-C #100HappyDays #Day45

My pretty dinner. Thank you, Michael! #100HappyDays #Day46

Chocolate #100HappyDays #Day47

Reading Christmas stories in May! #100HappyDays #Day48

Enterprise freaking village! #100HappyDays #Day49

I ran away to the beach! #100HappyDays #Day50

Stalked: Legal Proceedings & Final Thoughts

When the court date came I was a wreck. I wasn't thrilled about being in the same room with him again. I felt stressed, like I was taking a big test I had no idea how to prepare for. I knew the best thing to do would be keep my mouth shut and only answer the questions I was asked. I printed call logs and emails and brought them with me. I sat in that courtroom listening to other people's horrible stories of assault, abuse and child neglect and I wanted to run away. I brought a friend for moral support. He brought six people.

The judge asked if he really called me "6-10 times a day"
He replied "Until she blocked my number."
"You called her 6-10 times a day everyday after she told you she didn't want to speak to you...until she blocked your number?"
"Yes! We had a connection! You don't understand."
"Um...you were only together a few weeks."
"It was an amazing connection."
"She told you she didn't want to speak to you"
"I know."
It just went on and on like that. It was almost funny. I sat mutely until I was asked direct questions. I can't imagine what that judge thought of me? What kind of person would invite that guy into her life? At one point she asked him a question and in the mother of all non-sequiturs he replied "I don't know if you noticed but she's disabled! I always respected that." Wow. What?!?

In the end the judge ordered that the protection order stay in place for another 30 days and added "I think it's best if you just stay away from each other." At which point he stammered "Do I have to register or something?!?" almost funny especially when you consider that he had worked as a legal secretary before pursuing music. I felt relieved that day, but I didn't stop worrying he might show up until I moved out of state.

Luckily for me, he was terrified of authority. After watching the Stalked TV show I learned that for a lot of people who engage in this kind of behavior their obsession trumps any fear of repercussions. I only spent a couple months being harassed and scared, but it felt like a lifetime.

Now technology allows you to block individual numbers from your cell phone, but like I said when he believed he couldn't call me he flooded my email and showed up instead. It was a terrible time for me. I came out of it stronger and healthier for having dealt with old issues in the process. It wasn't a set of mistakes I'd ever repeat. I don't think he wanted to control me, I think he truly believed I would find his insane behavior romantic. I think he liked the drama of the far more serious relationship he invented in his head. Who knows if he would have gone away quietly if I had rejected him after that first date...It doesn't matter though because I fully admit my mistake. You can't put yourself out there when you're in severe emotional distress like that. It was a bad call. Standing up for myself, however, was a great one.

Stalked: Escalation

I came home from work one day and he was standing on the sidewalk outside my building. I was afraid to get out of the car. When I did, tears welling in my eyes, I told him he should leave. He was obviously drunk, he'd ridden a bike over. He followed me up the sidewalk my heart was pounding. I calculated how in the hell I could get inside the gate and close it without him following. He kept begging me to listen and I kept walking (wishing I could run). I warned him I'd call the cops. He persisted and I dialed 9-1-1, fingers trembling.

He lunged forward with his arm out like he'd grab me but stopped short. It terrified me. Even drunk, there was no way I could over power him. I told the 9-1-1 operator I needed help because my ex won't leave me alone. I was told they'd send someone. I desperately wanted to be on the other side of the gate. Maybe hearing my call gave him a moment's pause, who knows? For some reason he stopped at the steps.

He stood watching me and yelling at me as I went through the security gate and into my apartment. He didn't leave. He stayed at the front steps yelling. My apartment had a large front window that faced the street so I could see and hear him. I called my nearest male friends in a panic.

My friends arrived after 5 terrible minutes and tried to persuade him to leave. He refused even though they reminded him the cops were on the way. I have no idea how long I waited but it felt like days standing at the window while he yelled. It had to be at least 20min and then all the sudden it was quiet. I was afraid to look out the window, but sure enough he was pedaling away. Not 20seconds later the police arrived. I remember that the bike disappeared around the corner and I hadn't even gotten "he's gone" out before the police car arrived.

I explained the situation. There was nothing they could do. He hadn't assaulted me or trespassed (even if he'd come close to both). They asked for a picture and I showed them one. They agreed that I was being harassed and recommended I get a personal protection order. They gave me their card in case he came back. I cried while I quickly grabbed some things and left. No way I was sleeping there. I'm sure my neighbors hated me anyway after all the screaming and the police showing up. I spent the night with friends.

In the morning I went to the courthouse. I got a temporary order of protection that said he had to stay away from me and my roommate. He wasn't supposed to call or write messages either. I remember going cold when she asked "does he have a gun." I hadn't seen one, but he had talked about a gun and going to the gun range some time.

The next step was to serve him with the papers without actually going near him. I remember that you could have a sheriff do it or one of your friends. Someone (probably one of his friends) asked that I not send a sheriff because of how it would look...I wanted to anyway, but it would have taken several more days. I needed it done right away. I dropped my friend off in front of a restaurant where he was eating with friends and drove around the block to wait for her. I asked how he reacted. She said he took it and asked "Why is she doing this?" to which she had replied "You should probably leave her alone" and then she left.

I left a copy of the protection order at my apartment at all times in case my room mate had to call the police and gave a copy to work (where I was trying to mend fences after missing days, being tired and distracted). Part of me was hopeful I wouldn't hear from him and part of me hoped he'd show up so I could call the police. If he were arrested I'd know. The protection order was only temporary we still had to go before a judge to get a permanent one. Not only did I have to apologize for my behavior at work and give them a copy of the order, I had to request the court date off.

I was still uncomfortable in my own apartment or anywhere he might find me.

Stalked: Inaction & Reaction

I dragged my feet about ending it (also not typical for me) for all the reasons 20-year-olds do: I needed a ride to the airport, he owed me money...etc and yes, I was also a little scared. At the time I couldn't quantify my fear though.

One day he called me while I was out with friends and I told him I'd meet up with him later. Maybe he was picking up on the fact that I was over the situation or maybe he was just bored, but by the time I saw him a few hours later he was in quite a state. He hurled such insulting accusations at me and I realized, that was the last straw. Ok, the last straw had been a while ago, but I couldn't put it off anymore. I told him that we were done. I said I didn't have any interest in being with someone who didn't trust or respect me. I told him to get out and he did.

I felt a thousand pounds lift from my shoulders and sucked all the oxygen in the room into my lungs for the first time in weeks. As I recall nothing else happened that night.

The next day the calls started...he called all day. When I answered and told him to stop, the calls increased in frequency. He filled my voice mail box. He sent me dozens of texts along the lines of "talk 2 me", "Y R U doin' this?", "where r u?", "who r u with?" etc. I remember always being slightly irritated by his lazy short hand texts, but when you receive twelve in a row they're super annoying. He started showing up outside my apartment at all hours (early in the morning when I was leaving for work, mid-day, late at night).

One day he saw me walking to my car with a male friend and he followed us shouting horrible things. It's unnerving to be shouted at, but profanity being hurled at you and an innocent bystander outside your own home is horrible. The next day he called me and I answered. He was drunk and screaming at me calling me a "slut", etc. The whole time I could hear his friend in the background trying to calm him down saying "you're scaring her, man" He was right it. It was scary. I had officially become afraid of what he would do next.

My friends were scared to visit me at my place. I didn't want to be there either, I stayed with friends as much as possible. At the time I didn't have the ability to block calls from a specific number, but I told him I had.

He showed up at my room mate's work and made a scene. I was afraid I'd loose my apartment over this, but I assured my room mate I'd do something. I was tired all the time, tensions were high between my room mate and I and I was getting in trouble at work. Not answering his calls and telling him I'd blocked him only made him inundate my email and myspace with messages. I couldn't think of any other ways to say "go away!" It was getting completely out of control.

I think part of me was still in shock. It didn't seem possible for an adult I only dated briefly to be reacting this way.

Stalked: The Beginning

I watched the Investigation Discovery Channel series on the subject and decided it might be time to share my experience. I'll break it up into a few parts for easier reading.

I know now, looking back, that none of this would have happened if not for one fatal mistake on my part. I was vulnerable...no that's not right. I was shattered. Emotionally decimated. I had endured plenty to that point, but this was Earth shattering. Everything I knew to be true about myself was challenged by this particular betrayal. It wasn't that I didn't see it coming it was that I did not believe it was possible. It may sound over dramatic, but it was awful and the point is how deeply this horrible thing effected me. I have always been confident and strong and this made me feel ugly, weak and foolish. That's why I made the mistake.

I thought I had to put it behind me quickly. I thought I needed validation. I was pretty sure it had been a freak occurrence and my next move would prove it. So, I put a personal ad on craigslist. In hindsight, when you're feeling your most vulnerable is not the ideal time to invite total strangers into your life. I thought it was the right thing to do and I had to do something.

From a healthy number of replies I selected a few. The dates I went on were perfectly pleasant, but one of us was never interested enough for round two. Maybe I should have taken my full inbox as validation that I was a desirable person and stopped there, but I didn't.

I met him. He was eight years older than me, a musician/composer and he laughed a lot. I didn't think much of him to be honest. There was no instant attraction or anything. I'll never forget that having been sitting across the table from each other at that Mexican restaurant all of 10min he asked me if I was currently taking any psych meds. At the time I laughed, but I should have seen the aging, couch surfing musician with crazy girls in his past for what he was then and I didn't. Maybe I did, but I didn't care. I liked the attention. I liked the light heartedness, I was anxious not to feel sad anymore.

We dated only briefly...4 or 5 weeks tops. It wasn't serious: no L-word, no talk about the future. We hang out together and met a few of each others friends. It wasn't long before I realized his drinking really bothered me. I had to know why it was such an issue for me. I started going to Al-Anon meetings and sorting out all those messy adult-child-of-an-alcoholic issues. I had to know what I was feeling wasn't just pent up emotions that had nothing to do with him. It became clear that he'd inspired me to deal with some old emotions for a good reason. I even stood him up to go to a meeting at one point when he called me drunk. Now I knew I had issues to work through and I was. I also knew he was a mistake. I didn't want any kind or relationship with him.