Nursing in Public

So today I went to Target and Riley became insistent that it was time to eat. I didn't have a blanket with me so we found ourselves in the ladies room. My butt fell in the toilet and I was praying it wasn't an automatic flusher. It was noisy and uncomfortable. Why doesn't Target have a family bathroom? In a perfect world they'd have an actual nursing lounge.

On Friday Riley and I found ourselves in the family restroom at the mall. They had a permanent changing table and a wooden rocking chair in there. I was pleased even though the rocker was a little rough on the butt it was better than breastfeeding on a toilet. Oddly enough I noticed that aside from tampons and Advil in the vending machine there was breath spray and candy. Shouldn't someone put diapers and wipes in one of those? At least in the family restroom?

Even nursing in a bathroom stall beats booking it to the car to feed the baby. I spent so much of the beginning of Riley's life breastfeeding in the backseat. In parking lots, pulled over in random neighborhoods, in front restaurants while everyone else ate inside...It still happens but I'm much more likely to feed the baby at the table or in the store now. In the beginning I worried not about myself, but about the people around me. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable or to get in trouble. Seems so silly to worry about getting in trouble feeding your baby.

The world isn't very accommodating to a nursing mother and it can make you feel like you're doing something abnormal or even wrong. I'm not sure why it's that way. It's only right and natural for a mother to want to feed her baby without feeling bad about it. I think some more quiet spaces for mommies and babies would benefit everyone. Not just nursing mothers mom's who use formula would also like a space to do so in peace. Anyone caring for a baby knows they get overstimulated and a minute for everyone can decompress is very necessary.

A girl can dream I suppose...

She's Pierced!

Sorry they're cell phone pictures. She cried for about 45 seconds and then I put her back in the stroller and handed her the paper bag with the ear solution in it and she happily crinkled it all the way to the car.

Surgery and a Baby...

I've had 13 orthopedic surgeries, a fibroid removal and a c-section as far as major operations. I thought I was done. I even psyched myself up for the c-section by telling myself it was the very last time.

Everybody has baby nightmares, but my reoccurring bad dream was that I'd have to suddenly go to the hospital and be away from Riley. I was terrified my appendix would burst or something and I'd be rushed to the hospital where they would dope me up on meds that are no good for breastfeeding and not let me see Riley for a week.

I finally saw the orthopedic doctor the other day. He did an interview, exam and tons of x-rays. He says my hip needs to be replaced. Not a complete surprise, but a bummer none the less. I have a "malformed" hip socket on the left side from my Cerebral Palsy (since birth). That has been wearing down slowly add to that the bus that hit me crossing the street in college causing further damage to the joint and chronic pain. Because of those things I've had cortisone injections in the joint for inflammation a handful of times which all lead to "avascular necrosis" (no blood flow to the top of my femur).

So, here I am 28yrs old having suffered some degree of pain everyday for the last 7yrs in need of a new hip. Which they tell me will only last 30yrs at best. It makes me sick to think of it. Not that I have any fear of the procedure or doubt that it's the right thing to do just because it means time away from Riley.

I initially thought I'd postpone until Riley was weened completely so that breastfeeding wouldn't be an added concern. Today I talked with a lactation consultant at Bayfront (the hospital where I delivered) and she said I would be able to breastfeed and even keep Riley overnight with me as long as an adult stayed too. Most of my other mommy friends think waiting too long will make recovery harder because Riley will be a lot more mobile.

So, here we go again another one of those worst fear coming true moments...

Our First Adventure..NICU Days

Let's just say that during my pregnancy I became very familiar with possible pillow combinations and TV schedules. Sound fun? It wasn't. You know that antsy feeling you get after having a cold for a few days now multiply that by 7months. The deal was if I made it to 36wks I could come off bedrest. I made it to 34wks 4days.

I had spent many weekend days in the assessment room at labor and delivery. I knew the drill and even after the 4hrs I contracted (even on meds), I was sure I was going to be sent home. After every attempt to stop contractions failed they informed me (while Michael was out of the room getting a soda)that it was time to prep for my c-section. I had just been crying that if I had contracted 7hrs only to be sent home I'd be really sad.

I knew I was having a c-section, that she'd be early (my water broke on the table) and that she'd spend time in the NICU from the beginning of my pregnancy. But nothing prepares you for the onslaught on intense emotion brought on by giving birth followed by the sharp and surreal discomfort of not being able to hold and touch your child before she's whisked away.

Even writing about it now 5mon 2wks later it's overwhelming. She wasn't inside me anymore, I was empty and she was gone. I tearfully begged from 7am until 1pm before the NICU nurse agreed to let me hold and feed my baby. Those were excruciating hours. From the first time I held her until she left the hospital I was with her every 3hrs (except the 1am and 4am feeds).

While I was still in the hospital Michael's sister brought me a framed photo of Riley to keep by my bed. It was so strange to have only a picture of the human being I'd just given birth to. I still ache when I think of all the moms who took for granted the ability to have their baby rolled into their room. I climbed out of my bed into a wheel chair, signed out at the desk, went down the hall to the elevator, got off in the basement, went through the tunnel, into the children's hospital, got on the elevator, went up a floor, and into the NICU 6 times a day. The neonatologist applauded my "aggressive breastfeeding" and the nurses at my hospital lectured me about never being in my room and warned me about hemorrhage.

On the 3rd day they decided to discharge me. That was the first time I cried, but unfortunately not the last. I couldn't imagine leaving. I was discharged and after Riley's 10pm feeding I went home and Michael dropped me off the next morning (and all the mornings that followed)by 7am. I never left before 1pm and sometimes not until dinner time. Always back for the next feeding and I was never done for the day until 10 or 11pm. I packed a bag, never missed rounds and if I wasn't at Riley's bedside I was pumping.

The world did not turn those first 12 days of Riley's life. It was only her, Michael and I. Only the NICU. Notes about how much she ate, her lab results and how many wet diapers. Breastpumps, snacks in the hallway, waiting for feedings, night nurses, day nurses and tears (mine not hers).

Numbers..day of life, adjusted age, bilirubin levels, blood sugar, temperature in celcius, milliliters she ate, weight in grams, length, loss or gain, minutes breast fed, 1 hour per feeding, doctors round between these hours, number of brachycardic incidents, days until she can be discharged, ounces more to gain....

The stress of the those numbers and the countless panicked phone calls about all the stupid numbers. Living in 3hr intervals. And then one day very unceremoniously, it ended (the hospital stay, not the fear or stress about numbers).

I wasn't free from the fear and tyrannical numbers until the first pediatrician appointment. She was healthy and growing and mine to keep and hold and love not just during visiting hours, but for always.

The Teethe Goes On

Poor little pumpkin. Drooling, chewing, fussing, pooping like crazy and aweful diaper rash. All because of a silly tooth. It's heartbreaking because she wants to deal with it and play but it overwhelms her sometimes, reminds me of me.

Longer Arms

I went to the grocery store to get Riley some stage 1 veggies. Michael had requested sweet potatoes. So I marched over to the section I had the coupon for of course and found them. There was one left but it was all the way back against the farthest wall of the shelf and I have short arms and I'm wearing a baby on my chest.

So, I marched up to the end of the aisle to find help, but there were no employees. I went back and waited by the shelf thinking someone would happen by and take pity on me. No luck.

Finally I slid out the cardboard dividers they kept between flavors and started batting the sweet potatoes forward. It took about a solid minute of batting it with this piece of cardboard to get it to where I could reach it that's how far back and tightly packed between the containers on either side it was.

In the end I won, but I would like a word with person who designs grocery shelves! At least the baby aisle if not all of them should accommodate shopping with a baby on your hip.

This is not the first time I've been inconvenienced thus, one day in December I went grocery shopping and the spice packet I wanted was on the top shelf in a row of tightly packed envelopes so I was pathetically imitating someone hopping, trying to stretch with one foot on the bottom shelf. All I could think as my fingertips grazed it was that it would rip and pour chili seasoning into my eyes and all over Riley. People walked by ignoring my polite "excuse me"s the whole time.

Same store same day I was after Mike's favorite coffee which the store by us no longer carries. Wouldn't ya know it was on the highest shelf! As I'm cursing inwardly at my luck an elderly woman slightly taller than myself comes over and with clearly arthritic hands tries to get it down for me. Between the two of us we managed after quite the comedy of errors (we're lucky the whole shelf didn't come down on us). It makes you wonder why the grocery shelves are as high and deep as they are.

Am I the only one who has skipped an item that was inconveniently located? Or the only one who can barely reach things on the very top shelf? I doubt it. Really what's the deal...

Adventures in Lactation

Recently I woke up to the sensation that my skin on my chest was stretched to capacity and was going to burst. I have this image of when I was a kid and I'd roll out or stretch out the play dough until it tore holes. Even though I was sleeping in a bra with nursing pads I had soaked through the nursing pad, the bra, my shirt and was laying in a small puddle of breast milk. Yuck.

Having graphically recounted that I must add it does happen, but very very rarely. There's enough doom and gloom about breastfeeding and I have no intention of adding to it. Also, the solution is simple you just feed the baby and then all is right with the world or at least your boobs.

That event definitely made me feel a post about breast feeding was long overdue. Let's start at the beginning...
Expectations.

Michael scared me to death with stories about how hard it would be and a handful of people and episodes of "Baby Story" reinforced this. So, I went into it determined but scared. Also, I had no idea what the timeline for this would be. I mean it's not like anyone ever tells you about breastfeeding until your pregnant. I wasn't sure how long I could or should do it. The unrealistic concept of the actual level of commitment was in there too (24hrs a day 7days a week on call with no breaks).

The Reality: A Rough Start
Riley was born at 34wk 4d gestation by c-section. She went to the NICU immediately. I went to the recovery room where I began demanding a breast pump. I'd been contracting for 7hours, had major surgery was drugged and exhausted and I knew there was a short window to convince my body to gear up for feeding a baby.

They moved me to a room and I continued to demand a pump. Once I FINALLY obtained one I pumped and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night needing assistance and was told if I could sit in a chair for 15-20min I could go down and see the baby at 7am. I was of course in that chair as soon as they'd let me. I went racing over to the NICU the second my time was up, only to be told I couldn't see my baby and to come back in a few hours.

I called down to make sure I'd get to see her and was told no. I thought about this for about 10 seconds before I called back in tears and demanded to see my baby that I hadn't seen for more than a few seconds as they wheeled her away and had yet to hold. They caved. They allowed me to give her a bottle of formula first and then try to breastfeed.

Unlike a healthy baby who gets wheeled into to see you in your room accompanied by a nurse or lactation consultant or both we were kind of on our own. So, I gave it a try, but having no clue what I was doing didn't know whether we'd been successful. So, I requested a lactation consultant meet us for the next feeding.

And so I used every resource the hospital I delivered at and the children's hospital offered. I wanted to figure it out. Riley and I needed lots of practice. The NICU allotted me 15-20min to breastfeed and then she had to take a supplement bottle of breast milk. I pumped and "fed" the baby around the clock except for the (1am and 4am feeds).

It was not the most conducive environment to breastfeeding. Running back and forth between hospitals and the scrutiny of the NICU staff. You can't measure breastfeeds so they'd rather you just pump and bottle feed so they get all their precious numbers. Preemies have an underdeveloped suck reflex. The latch took us a long time and she kept biting down with her gums. Really the biggest obstacles was sleepiness. We were required to feed on the hospital's schedule not Riley's schedule. Poor kid got a cold cloth to the face repeatedly in those early days.

Getting the Hang of it
When we got home I panicked that I'd do something wrong she wouldn't grow and they'd re-admit her to the hospital. I set my alarm to wake me up every three hours overnight and woke her up to feed her. There was even an incident in the middle of the night when Mike had to remove the screaming baby from my arms because I was crying and asking her why wouldn't she eat. But the first pediatrician apt came and she had gained a few ounces since being discharged and I relaxed.

I turned off the alarm and let Riley tell me when to feed her. I stopped pumping so my body would get used to Riley's demand and not continue making enough milk for twins. Holy Engorgement Batman that was a crappy couple of days. But I toughed it out and we fell into a routine. Form what I hear the first two weeks or so are hell for everyone, but if you make it through you never regret it. I love it. I had thought I'd be weening by now, but Riley and I are happy so we'll keep on keeping on for now.

A Note About Romance...

In my single days it was all about the grand (or small) romantic gestures. I would have given major organs for my boyfriend to show a little forethought and make a little effort (and sometimes just remember).

Now I have someone in my life who pulls out all the stops. He stays up until three am making a picnic for our horse back ride through the woods or spends the whole day making homemade Valentines chocolates. Wonderful chocolates (raspberry caramel, bananas foster, cheesecake, etc..). So, my wishes are granted, right?

Well, while he was slaving away on my treats I keep thinking about the mess I was going to wake up to Monday morning. I also was making my first honest attempt at "me time" while this was going on. Instead of him juggling the kids and his project while I was just being interrupted to feed Riley like I pictured I was on all day baby duty (guess who's getting a tooth). So, there was mess stress, constantly interrupted "me time" stress and we didn't get to spent much time together (and now that Mike's got a full time job outside the house it's alot harder to come by).

I realized my idea of romance has changed. I very much appreciate these gestures, but these days romantic equals anything that makes my life easier. Cleaning the house, taking the kids for a few hours, running me a hot bath and cuddling to watch a movie once the kids are asleep. That's romantic. Of course flowers and chocolates are always welcome, but not as exciting as a clean kitchen or an uninterrupted nap.

This morning Michael kissed me goodbye and then brought me the hungry baby and some diapers and wipes so I could stay in bed a little longer. That's a romantic gesture.

Happy Valetines Day

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!

Perferences And Dislikes

Diapers: Pampers Swadlers!! 100% my favorite. (Every bad experience I've had was Huggies). They make premie size, they have a wetness indicater stripe, they're soft and have velcro tabs, they're netting pulls wetness away from her skin and I've never had a leak.

Wipes: Huggies Natural Care. It's not actually the wipes it's the containers. They have a little rubber peice that holds the wipe out and keeps the rest from drying out.

Diaper Rash Cream: Dr. Smith's Diaper Ointment. I personally can't STAND the smell of Desitin! Dr. Smith doesn't have an unpleasant order and it worked wonders on Riley's monster rash. It was recommended by the peditrician.

Toy for 3-6mo: Taggie! It was a gift from one of my mommy friends. It's just a piece of birghtly colored soft fleece surrounded by different colors and textures of ribbon in loops. It was the first toy she actually played with. And she still loves it.

Ok, I also love:
The Bumbo (SOOOOOO USEFUL), Reusable nursing pads, the Boppy (although I've also heard wonderful things about the My Breast Friend pillow), the Medela Symphony & Pump in Style, the Johnson & Johnson lullaby cd that came with our bath set, my old school wind-up swing

Not really loving: The cling car shade, baby clothes with buttons down the back, the pacifers that came with snap on cases (they still get dirty), the sleeping wedge (she always fell off), jammies that are soft on the outside but rough on the inside (I mean come on!), thebump.com (horrible nasty people)

Please Mommies Chime In (comment with your perferences or dislikes)

First Birthday Since Baby

I wanted to set a precedent this very first birthday since baby and commit to making it a day about me. In general it's become a challenge to still be me when it's overwhelmingly easy to be Riley's mom. I started out by getting my hair done a few days before my birthday while Riley had a bottle with daddy.

I was surprised the weekend before my birthday, while Isaac was with his mom, when Michael took Riley and I horseback riding through the woods. He even made a picnic that included home made canoli.

I had lunch with my best friend, hired a cleaning service. (I knew I'd never relax if the house was trashed and I didn't want to clean it on my birthday. Worth every penny.), went out for my free birthday steak without the baby and even had a drink and then had amazing chocolate cream pie with Bob and Susan.

Got thoughtful gifts from Michael's family and had a great belated birthday breakfast with all the girls.

Amazing birthday. More Katie and less Riley's Mom just what I needed. Thank You!!

Riley the Adventurer!

When I was pregnant we used to joke about the little explorer in there because she moved around so much. Eventually she mapped out the place and wanted a change of scenery so at 34weeks gestation she basically kicked the door down.

She loves people and new places and going for trips in the car. She's already been camping and as of yesterday, horse back riding! She was completely thrilled by the horses, the woods and the sensation of riding. She sat wide eyed and tall in her Snugli like a little cowgirl until the rhythm of the horse's gait lulled her right to sleep! She didn't make a single peep of protest. She was all wonderment and smiles. What a girl!

“You’re Gonna Drop the Baby”

You should hear the title of this post in the style of the famous “you’ll shoot your eye out” line from Christmas Story. I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t really worry before Riley and I were on our own about how to carry her, but when it did occur to me that I could fall with the baby my reaction was simply “I wouldn’t let that happen.” I didn’t stress about it, but there was my dad’s constant taunting question every time he saw me with the baby, “what if you drop the baby?”

I have my moments of feeling judged when someone stares a little too long at me with the baby. There is this element of being disabled, people stare. It happens every day, but I will only notice and worry about it on days when I’m self-conscious about something (a zit, my roots, etc). Usually if strangers offer to help me when I have the baby their kindness is taken in the spirit it was intended. I’m sure these folks would stop to help anyone who was struggling with their arms full, but occasionally a comment hits me in the place my dad’s question lives.

The truth is I know my limitations and would NEVER do anything to hurt my little girl, but the unexpected happens. Like the time I set Riley in the tub and tile fell off the wall missing her completely, but scaring the crap out of me. For Riley’s sake there is nothing I wouldn’t do including brace yourselves…ask for help. I’ve gladly let a kind stranger help me load up the stroller or my wheelchair even the groceries once or twice.

Again, things happen, disabled or not. When Riley was about 2 months old I was completely frazzled trying to get out the door and IT happened. I tripped and even though I clutched my baby to me and bent low to the ground she toppled a few inches. She hit the floor face down and I have no clear memory of what happened as I was operating on pure adrenaline, but I scooped her into my arms and brought her into the nursery. I examined every inch of her and she was fine and calmed quickly, but far longer than the fear that my baby was hurt I sat there in terror that someone would find out and take her away from me. I was unsure even who to call because how could anyone not judge? My head was spinning with more guilt and fear than I’ve ever felt (welcome to motherhood, I know). Eventually I spoke to one of my best able bodied, nonparent friends who calmly relayed the story of her father tripping with her little sister and breaking her collarbone. Her point being it could and does happen to everyone.

More than the outside world I worried about Mike’s reaction. I mean how could he go to work each day worried I’d hurt the baby? He didn’t see it that way at all. He assured me it would happen again and that I should just lay her on the ground if I fall. He also agreed with my mother, a pediatric nurse, that I did everything I was supposed to do and that Riley was fine. She really was fine not a mark on her and all smiles by the time Mike got home.

Well, IT happened again. This time I tripped and bent my knee and calmly started to lay her down on the carpet and that little wiggler went over my fingertips and hit the carpet. It was hardly “a fall” it was a few inches down to soft carpet, but it scared her and when she wouldn’t let me touch her head it scared me. All the way to the ER the voice in my head was back convincing me that they’d take one look at me and decide I was unfit.

There was one nurse who implied I was not telling the whole story and asked what my “medical condition” was even though it wasn’t at all relevant to the situation. She also called the doctor within earshot of me and said “I’ve got a 4month old, the mother has cp….” Maybe she wasn’t very bright and thought it was a genetic disorder or maybe she was just being rude. Perhaps, she would have considered it pertinent if I had been overweight or of some other ethnicity, who knows.

Absolutely no one implied I was unfit in fact they applauded me for doing all the right things. Again, Riley was absolutely fine and no one tried to take her from me. Even my dad reacted by quotong a line from a tv show that had been on the week before, “they’re built to withstand the very worst of parents. You’re doing fine.” So, the answer to my dad’s and (I’m sure countless strangers question), we get back up and move on.

**It should be noted it has NOT happened in the months since I wrote this post and probably won't now that I admitted in writing that it happened in the past.