Like a Pair of Shiny New Shoes

I remember getting new white sneakers as a kid and wiping them off the first few times I wore them outside because I wanted them to stay new and perfect forever. I also remember my mother teasing me for this. That's what a new baby's like too.

You don't want dirt to ever touch them. You don't want them to ever feel sadness or pain. You want to shield them and keep new and perfect for always. And people make fun of you for it.

I remember feeling my heart break when they drew her blood for the first time in the NICU. I remember the first time she bumped her head, or got hungry when I couldn't feed her right away, I remember her first shots at two months and the time Cookie Monster scared her.

I remember this time in the NICU I was by myself getting ready to feed Riley. I changed her and took her temp. I very carefully scooped her up out of the crib and sat down to feed her. All the sudden she was crying. I checked all of the monitor cords, etc and that's when I noticed blood on my stomach. A lot of blood. I wiped it off thinking maybe I scratched myself when I picked up the baby. A few seconds later she was still crying and there was more blood on my stomach and the Boppy and everywhere! I screamed for the nurse and two of them came running. It was everywhere and it turned out the band aids from her little heel sticks had been pulled off right before I came in and somehow they were disturbed enough to bleed. I was shaking and crying by the time they wiped us down and assured me she was fine. A tight swaddle and some breastmilk later Riley had forgotten anything had ever happened, I on the other hand probably never will.

Her life was perfect when she was born. I wanted it to always be. I have learned much like shoes babies get "scuffed up" despite lots of love and care. She will skin her knees and get her heart broken no matter how much I love her. In fact I'll probably cry more than she does.

It's the way it's supposed to be. Kids try things, get hurt and make mistakes. Moms worry. It's gets easier to kiss their boo-boos without feeling like the worst mom on the planet, but I don't think it'll ever not hurt.