One and Only

There are two areas of a woman's brain in play when it comes to babies: 1)The rational logistical part 2)The primal cave woman life-or-death need to reproduce.

Most girls in my generation have a similar story either they didn't want kids at all or didn't think they were ready yet. Then they had a "scare" which turns out be nothing but sparks up those cave woman instincts and they suddenly feel an overwhelming need that wasn't there before. I never thought I'd have kids. I knew I'd have a terrible time with pregnancy and I had a career that was just gaining momentum. I've always loved kids and spent most of my life taking care of other people's but I couldn't imagine having one of my own. I had the "scare" which after so many years of believing getting pregnant was the worst thing that could happen to me was completely earth shattering to realize I was sad more than I was relieved.

Things happened in their own time and looking back I'm amazed at my good fortune. I don't think I could have conceived and carried a baby at any other point in my life. When I went to my first OB appt I told them I wanted my tubes tied. They gave me the standard lecture about tubal regret, but I persisted. Mike asked me if I wanted to hold off "just in case" anything happened to the baby. I persisted. I survived preterm labor from 23wks-34wks and when they brought me the C-Section consent and had me re-sign consent for the tubal the doctor leaned in and whispered "you're doing the right thing."

My attitude always was that if I was meant to have a healthy baby I would and no matter what I was only doing this once. I'm not sure if this translates in writing so let me re-phrase I had complete faith that I would have the baby I was meant to and completely realistic ideas about what I could endure physically.

Now don't get me wrong it wasn't 8months of complete misery. I loved my big belly and feeling her kick. I still pour over my belly photos and get warm and fuzzy. I'm still a woman and tying the tubes doesn't short out the cave women need. I still get sad that it's over forever. I still wish my body could handle more pregnancies. I felt beautiful pregnant when I could forget or ignore the pain for a moment. I love Riley so much I feel like I could burst. I mourn all those potential little ones I could have made. I think about if Riley had been a little boy what little Maverick would have been like. I wish I could love dozens more babies and maybe I will, but not babies I gave birth to.

I think when you find perfection it's a good time to stop anyway.