Getting Through It

I have developed this mentality that I just need to "make it through." Like "ok, Katie you can do this! Just get through this [doctor's appointment, parent teacher conference, surgery, moving, errands] and then everything will be ok." I purposefully try to get difficult things over quickly. Do the hardest stuff first. Get through the scary stuff fast because in my experience the anxiety of waiting for them to happen is way worse then the event itself (with a few exceptions).

The last two weeks were always going to be difficult. Mrs. D. had to go out of town for two weeks. No school for Miss Roo and no break for Mommy. No big deal on it's own. As a matter of fact, the first week was pretty normal. It was the second week when on top of no breaks from the kids I had to have day surgery and pick up our puppy. That's when things got to be a little overwhelming. Riley and I both missed our routine. Riley also had a hard time not being the baby of the house anymore. It hadn't really occurred to me that there would be jealousy, but a new baby is a new baby.

I was healing from the surgery, Leeloo was learning quickly and everything was about to go back to normal. Riley tipped my wheelchair over yesterday. We were out front and she pulled me over somehow and my poor back slammed into the front step. It was rough. As it turns out that wasn't the only "blow" I'd receive that evening. Mrs. D. returned from her trip ill, there would be no school Monday.

I took it in stride for the length of the phone call and then I hung up the phone and cried. The air conditing had broken over the weekend and had been rigged to work until Monday when they could replace a part. The kitchen was destroyed from the lovely dinner Mike had made me (and me generally taking Mother's Day off). I was injured from the fall and now instead of a few hours of quiet I had a very full plate.

I was startled by the AC guy at 9am and quarantining the toddler and the puppy for subsequent hours of the job was stressful. I got help cleaning up and with the little ones. By the time there was some relief I was starving and tired. I made lunch and kept pushing. In a way it was good to be overwhelmingly busy and distracted because I forgot I had an anxious moment looming. We put Riley down for nap, but she hasn't been sleeping well lately. It not only makes her impossible, but it takes away my laying down time.

True to her new habit she refused to sleep for more the 45min after laying in her room for over 2hrs. After nap I realized my staples come out tomorrow. Don't get me wrong it's a relatively minor ordeal, but I have been so traumatized, by that place the thought of going back for any reason makes me very upset. On top of my emotions there was the Riley logistics and knowledge that however I felt afterward I have to take one or two toddlers to dance class. They have a recital fast approaching.

Inhale. Exhale. Rethink the "getting through it" strategy. It's beginning to discourage me how often I'm using it.

Some Days Are Just Fails

For all my independence, perseverance and positive attitude some days just stink. Today, I loaded Riley up and headed off to get my post honeymoon haircut. Traditionally, I don't bring her to the salon because I'm there for hours. Today I was just getting a cut and her presence was requested. It started with the parking space.

There's a disabled space next to the door, but it was taken. In all the years I've been coming to this salon I've never had to park farther then the third space from the door. I ended up on the other side of the parking lot today. I had myself, Riley, Riley's cup, Riley's snack, Riley's baby doll, my laptop (to show them wedding pictures) and my purse. My hands were full of crutches and I stupidly forgot my tote bag. I usually keep one in the car for these occasions. Now I had a bit of a hike to undertake with all this stuff.

My first thought was to make two trips. This was a great thought. I've decided as a disabled mom that if it occurs to me to take two trips, that is always the right answer. Alas, I didn't today. I unbuckled Riley and handed her her cup and snack. I grabbed my crutches looped my purse across my chest, tucked my computer under my arm and bit the dolly's arm so I could step up the curb.

I was so proud of myself. I'd done it. All I had to do was step up on that curb. Gravity and I (being lifelong enemies) had another spat just then. My laptop took flight shattering dramatically into pieces. I fell backwards onto my crutches. There I was, pinned. The weight of my own body had trapped me. I couldn't pull my arms from the crutches or pull the crutches out from under me. My first thought was that I couldn't scare Riley. "Stay on the curb, baby" I managed with the little bit of breath that hadn't been knocked out of me in the fall. I was hyper aware of my awkward position, but it took a few seconds to think of what to do.

There was an older gentlemen there all the sudden. He was wonderful, I have to say. In the past people have made a HUGE deal or grabbed me and tossed me to my feet without warning. He said in a very even tone "Are you alright? What can I do." I asked him to stay with Riley. Bless her sweet like heart, she had stepped down off the curb and was stroking my hair calmly asking “Are you ok Mommy?” Then I gritted my teeth and rolled over. I got off my crutches and handed him one. By the time I was standing again there was a crowd.

Bloody rubberneckers! Gawking and useless. I had a lot of adrenaline pumping through me so I couldn't feel much pain yet. I thanked the man who proceeded to disappear very respectfully while the old ladies stared open mouthed as if I had two heads. An employee of the salon scooped up my laptop parts and walked with me. Once inside she handed me a wet towel. I was so concerned about not scaring Riley (who's only witnessed mommy having a big fall once before) I hadn't noticed I was bleeding.

Once I was wiped off and bandaid-ed and Riley was happily playing all I could think was, "I'm an idiot! I smashed my laptop. Why didn't I make two trips?" Turns out only the battery flew off and one hinge so it was still functional enough to show wedding pictures. Haircut managed the owner herself escorted us to the car. Mental note: It's ok to ask for help.

By the time I got home I was hurting. Imagine a hard fall causing all of your muscles to tighten into metal, it's rough. I had a badly skinned elbow, a skinned knee and a horribly bruised wrist. By the time I put Riley down for nap all the adrenaline was gone and the back spasms started. I took Advil and laid down. I needed to keep going because Tuesday is dance class and Riley missed two in a row with the wedding.

I felt better after the nap, but not good. I got Riley fed and in her dance clothes. She was just bouncing off the walls with excitement. I decided to take her to the library to kill time before class. She potty-ed about 45 seconds before we walked out the door. I was hurting too much to try and load and unload the wheelchair so I walked.

We had picked our books, colored a picture and were headed to check out when it happened. Riley has never been anything but good at the library, ever. We go to the library between twice a month and once a week. She told me she had to potty. I hurried over to set our books down so we could use the bathroom. She had started to fuss behind me but my back was turned for a moment. It was the mom behind me who said (in a non-judgmental way, bless her) "um, she's naked." and then "can I help?". Riley screamed when the stranger approached, I really can't fault her for that. She'd never stripped in public before and just like my slow reaction time after the fall I wasn't immediately sure what to do.

I pulled her clothes (leotard and pants) back on while she fought me and screamed. Then I grabbed her hand and started leading her to the bathroom. It seems awful now, but I told her in a stern tone that if she didn't stop crying and pulling against me I wouldn't take her to dance class. Once we were in the bathroom it all made sense. There was a small bit of icky-ness in her panties. She'd been at the tail end of a cold. It happens, but it really scared her. No wonder she was crying and stripping. Poor kid. We're so far past the accident days I didn't have spares with me so I cleaned her up and told her she had to wear the yucky clothes for just a little bit.

The library's close so we got her home and changed, but not before the wrestling match of the century getting her into her car seat. I felt like the worst mother in the world. She kept saying "No Mommy please! I'm too poopy. Please." Ugh. Once she was happily playing for a few minutes I had a cry because I won't ever be able to pick her up and run to the potty. Poor girl. To add insult to injury there was no way I could take her to dance class with her tummy giving her trouble. She was so sad.

I guess we'll have to resume conquering the world tomorrow.

Ashes, Ashes We All Fall Down

The other day I took Miss Roo to the library. When we got out of the car my literary little bit said "we have the only Gak in town" (a line from One Fish, Two Fish). It was nice and cool that morning so after our book business we went over to the playground. I always forget about the playground in front of the library, but it seemed like a day to finally try it out. It was 10am so there was only one other family there. It was an adorable little boy Riley's age, his 10mo old brother and Mommy.

We had a great time with our new friends. Everything was damp so the corkscrew slide was not slippery at all and the straight down slide was like a rocket. It was pretty comical watching them scoot down one slide and shoot down the other in turn. After some sliding and general merriment the kiddos decided to swing.

I was pushing Riley on the swing and chatting with her new friend's mom when as it often does my balance deserted me. She swung back and BAM! So embarrassing! I laughed and made a big deal about her swinging so high she knocked me over. My new Mommy friend was really cool about it. Much cooler than most people would have been. She didn't sound shocked or overly concerned when she asked if I was ok. When I assured her I was fine she didn't insist on helping me up or get super handsy. That's the worst when a stranger grabs you and forces you to your feet.

When it was time to go Riley exclaimed "That was a fun party!" It was adorable. I don't even think she noticed my fall. I explained it wasn't a party we just visited the playground. She persisted, "Fun party at the playground." What can you say?

After nap it was time to go get Isaac from school. Riley had spent the morning wearing her Dora backpack and holding Mommy's hand. Apparently, she hadn't had enough because she didn't want to ride in my lap in the wheelchair like we usually do, she wanted her backpack. It seemed like a good idea since it was still cool.

On the way back we cut through the neighbors yard. Still no progress on the sidewalk situation, by the way. So, we cut through their yard to get out of the street since I was on foot. In the last few steps before the front door my foot caught in some weeds. Just at that moment Riley ran around me, circling the lead from the backpack around my crutch and legs. I yelled for her to stop and come back, but it was too late. My upper body twisted while my feet stayed firmly planted and BAM!

It was such a bad one the neighbor boy ran inside to get help. Now I was embarrassed and dreading the moment the adrenaline would wear off. I assured my very concerned neighbor I'd be ok and got to my feet. I also thanked her son for looking out for me. They're really nice people. I did get a few more hours before I really felt it and then Oh, man did I feel it. Ouch.

Stupid Gravity

By The Toe (Again!)

Remember this? Me too. That time I tripped on Mike's crap in the middle of the bedroom floor in the dark. This time? I haven't got a clue.

I felt fine in the morning, Riley and I went to church and we walked around quite a bit. No issues. Then I came home put her down for nap and laid down. I was laying there watching The IT Crowd (Netflix has it streaming, it's amazing) and all the sudden I was aware of intense pain in my foot. My big toe on my right foot was killing me. I thought "Ouch, that hurts really bad. It almost feels like...Oh, no!" I tried to wiggle it, no dice. Broken again, but how?

I remember it took awhile to feel it last time too. I think the adrenaline wears off before it registers. So weird. I asked Mike to check for bruising this time. He didn't see any last night, but I went through the roof when he touched it. I remembered that the bruising didn't show up until the next day last time.

Like I need one more physically limiting situation, come on! Anyway, it hurts a lot. I feel dumb for not having a clue what I did. I just hope it heals quickly. I'm going to get some socks with fragile stamped on them.

When You Just Don't Like Them

I have been hopelessly in love with Riley since before she was born. She's amazing. Most days I enjoy her company more than I have words to express, despite the hard work. Today was an exception.

Riley's beside herself about the two year molar forcing its way through the gums the last few days. I am in some intense pain from the slide incident as well. I knew sky diving and roller coasters were forever lost to me when I became bionic, but slides...who knew? I digress, Grandma came to be with Riley because I was in bad shape today.

I've been pretty wiped dealing with Riley's teethy tude, house stuff before our party and juggling the blogs. Today, I just sat on an ice pack. It was like the early days after the surgery. I watched and listened, but instead of my usual delight in her antics today I was annoyed. Today, I wanted her to stop screaming and throwing herself on the ground over every little thing and grow up.

Some of the day she was my sweet little girl and I enjoyed her. Most of the day she was hard to take. My mother and I were not nearly equipped for all the fits today. I just didn't like her today. I know it was intensified by my pain. I also know it was temporary. I just needed to say it out loud.

Even as I type this my normally compliant girls is giving Daddy hell. I can her wailing from the bedroom. She's not herself today and he has more patience having only been home a few hours. I considered going in for back up, but my stomach turned at the thought. Also, it's dangerous for me to be around a thrashing toddler when I'm injured.

Good night, little terror. I'll like you again tomorrow.

ps: Mike got Riley to sleep and then kicked something leaving the room. Normally, this would be no big deal, but tonight she woke up screaming and didn't stop. He tried to reassure her, but she refused to be comforted so he gave up.

I went in and wrapped my arms around the sobbing girl and started singing softly. She calmed down and climbed on top of me hugging me with her arms and legs like a tree frog. She was shortly sound asleep. Mommy's a hero.

Just When You're Feeling Invincible

Ok, maybe not invincible, but "pretty good" didn't make such a catchy title. I was ignoring the mess, just scrapbooking in my little corner while Mike and the kids played outside. He was putting up the slide on the swing set. It's called "the sidewinder."

Mike was so excited once it was up he insisted I try it. I had watched from the window as I set at my desk while he went barreling down the slide and then laughed his head off. I watched each of the kids try it through the window. When Mike came in and demanded I drop what I was doing and take my "turn", I sighed. I just kept thinking, but it's quiet in here and I was busy.

When I went outside I examined the slide and thought "maybe this was a bad idea." Mike lifted me and helped me onto the top of the slide. Now, I was sure I didn't want to do this. I haven't gone down a slide since the back surgery. It seemed to late to back out so I let go and slid.

It was really fun for a second and then I hit the ground with a thud and the pain was so intense I started to cry. I'm been sitting on an ice pack ever since. Injured by a trip down the slide, embarrassing.

Catch a Katie...

By the toe.

Awakened by screaming baby + midnight + crappy balance + Mike's mess in the middle of the bedroom floor + Boom=
All the photos were taken a little less than 24hrs after the injury.

Have Toddler, Will Travel? Step Two

Now being on vacation for a few days was an unpredictable adventure when I was single, but with a toddler the trick is to make things as familiar as possible. Luckily for me Riley sleeps in a pack and play at day care. For extra security we also had her piggy pillow.

I remember glancing around the veritable toy store that was the "grandchildren's room" and thinking Riley was going to wake up and rush the wall of her pack and play, tip it and charge the toys. There was a fully equipped play kitchen, baby dolls aplenty and all the accessories for baby care, animals enough to fill a zoo and even an Elmo easy chair. She was asleep in the middle of her personal toy heaven.

Unsurprisingly, Riley rose at 6am I was able to talk her into going back to sleep, thank goodness. At 6:50am she was up again and this time she'd gotten a good look around. I let her out and grabbed my camera to document the ensuing glee. She raced around the room from toy to toy yelling "Yeeeee!" It was adorable. I laid in the bed snapping pictures and laughing. She found a whole bucket of baby bottles and rushed around the room feeding every baby and stuffed animal she found.

It was nice to lie down and watch her play. I fantasized about putting a bed in the center of her room. Although, on second thought it may just make me depressed about all the sleep I'm missing out on. Speaking of which, I had Riley dressed, shoes on, and hair done  (Riley had fed every toy in the room) an hour later when we heard people stirring.  She'd already had a busy morning so while the adults shuffled around in p.j.'s with cups of coffee she had fruit and yogurt. Luckily for me they still had a highchair because I had a travel one that didn't make it to the car.

Once she'd put something in her belly she was off to explore. We used to have dwarf hamsters they were sweet little critters and the thing they loved most was to explore. They would dart about their freshly cleaned cage noting everything that had changed. Riley went into full on hamster-mode. She squealed with delight at the ceramic cow collection, the chickens in the yard, the Valentine's Day decorations and all the toys!

Riley's investigation was winding down when breakfast was ready. My little lumberjack ate eggs, grits, and bacon regardless of her snack an hour before. After mentioning Riley's love of dinosaurs my aunt produced a Dora and Diego dinosaur movie from her extensive collection. Riley loves Dora almost as much as dinosaurs so the movie was a big hit. After the movie and some jacks lessons from grandma it was nap time.

Nap time went off without a hitch despite me pushing the wrong button on the unfamiliar CD player and causing only one song rather than the whole CD to repeat. After the nap it was time for Walmart (gulp). I wanted some organic whole milk for Riley. A cooler and snacks would have been a welcome addition on our trip. Somehow I left town with a bag of cut up apples as the only snack option which is ridiculous considering on any given trip to the park I pack more snacks than that and Riley's been eating alot lately.

It was packed of course so it took a couple trips around the parking lot to get a handicapped space. I didn't have my wheelchair because there wasn't room in the car so it was a huge bummer when all the electric carts were taken. See Kati's blog on the subject of electric carts she pretty much hit the nail on the head Kati's Blog So, shocker not an electric cart to be had. I reasoned I could push the cart long enough to get the milk and the big brother gift I needed and then we'd find a bench or something. Needless to say I come out with more than two items, like $70 worth of more.

Some of it was practical like suction cup bowls and milk, but most of it wasn't and none of it was for me. It was the first time I ever regretted bringing Riley down the toy aisle. I'd like to believe it was low blood sugar and too much excitement, but it was bad. She used to just point and babble excitedly until she had something to hold and then all would be quiet. Not this time. Oh, no. She grabbed things I showed her out of my hands hoarded them until her arms where full and cried when I put things back. We were headed out of the toy aisle, mission accomplished and then some, when she spotted a set of Mickey and Minnie Mouse cars. It was ugly. I will admit I made a bad call and let her "look at it", rookie mistake what can I say.

When all was calm again we went to check out where Riley announced with polite, but insistent signing that she was hungry. I gave her lunch before we left, but so goes a growth spurt. I let her choose between Cheetos and crackers because that's what that had at the check out besides candy. I opened the bag and thrust it at her, but she had apparently decided this was not what she wanted after all. Annoyed and wearing down, myself, I passed her to grandma who deposited her in the now empty cart and that's when I spotted a pouch of applesauce, score! She sucked it dry and then started on the Cheetos before we had gotten out the door.

When we got home grandma plucked Riley down in the front yard and ever cautious my Roo stood silently watching the chickens for a few moments. When they came closer she proudly held up her new bath baby doll. It was really cute until she was screaming, really screaming. My mom yanked her out of the dirt gave her a quick look and put her in my arms. She hadn't seen any sign of injury. She told me that Riley had tripped and scared the rooster. After a minute I saw a red puffy area on the side of her face. Every mom knows that cry, the one that turns your blood cold because they only use in when they're really hurt and terrified. My panic spread to my mother who ran insdie the house. By the time everyone rushed out I reassured them that it was a pretty minor injury. "Oh good!" my aunt exclaimed "Because I was screaming for him to get the shoot gun."

In the end after a few terrifying moments it was clear they had scared each other and in his haste to get away poor Mr. Rooster had stepped on Riley's head and broken the skin. It's moments like these I miss breast feeding the most. I used to be able to make it all better so easily, but no more. She was washed and Neosporin-ed and off to play shortly. I felt guilty that she'd scared everyone. My aunt explained that roosters can be very overprotective husbands to their hens and once they attack they become dangerous to people. I reassured her yet again that niether Riley or her rooster had been aggressive.

After dinner Riley took her new bath baby in the bath tub. Their bath tub and all it's fixtures are so shiny and new they were reflective. Riley thought it was hilarious to be able to watch herself splash and play. I wish I had video! It totally over-shadowed the dolly I got her thinking bath time in a different tub would be easier with a new toy. Silly me.

It was a long day and she went right to sleep and I wasn't far behind. I hadn't really recovered from Friday, had done alot more walking than I intended and it was a rainy day so my joints were aching. I was also aware that it would be another early morning. Vacationing with a toddler is remarkably similar to staying at home there's no extra sleep and minimal TV that isn't animated.

Our hosts were truly amazing they made us feel right at home. I aspire to be a gracious host in a spacious house. It was lovely not to have to worry about meals or what the boys were up to, and I didn't.

Mommy Had a Great Fall, On This Very Wet Day That Was Not Dry At All.

"The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play. So we sat in the house all that cold, cold, wet day...Too wet to go out and too cold to play ball. So we sat in the house. We did nothing at all." Cat in the Hat


Today is as soggy as the socks Isaac forgot to take off before he got in the shower. Soggy as a wet sheepdog and about as pleasant. Wet, wet, soggy, waterlogged day. It's pouring rain out there. To start with rainy days and I have a pretty volatile relationship. I loved them madly when I was younger, but ever since the hip injury they kick my but (in the form of achy, inflamed joints).

On top of the weather and its usual effect on me it's Monday. Anyone who reads my blog knows how I feel about those. Isaac has the day off from school and Riley's daycare provider is sick so it's me and the kids because Mike goes to the office Mondays. Ideally Mike would have been the only one up with the alarm at 7am, but we're all up.  Not for any fun happy early morning surprise. Nope, we're up because Isaac peed his bed. He wasn't planning on telling anyone either. He just striped out of his pjs and sat down on the floor naked to play Legos.  Boys are so gross. Too bad his mom is observant because he was busted swiftly. After I directed him to a shower Mike over saw the cleaning the mattress. I instructed him in washing his bedding. He's 8yrs old it has to be up to him to clean up his accidents. This not a regular occurrence around here, but yesterday he played on the computer for 8+ hours.

It was the day before his day off, I was tired and it was easier than thinking of a way to entertain him. In general I impose computer breaks every 2hrs to prevent accidents and other bad behaviors. Like I said I slaked off yesterday. It has happened in the past that marathon computer sessions resulted in accidents in one form or another. So, I told him (as I've told him many times) we don't get in trouble for accidents in this house, but we do get in trouble for not telling someone. His punishment was the loss of computer privileges for the day.

In the long run I told him there were going to be some changes. If every time you do something you get in trouble (eat sugar, stay up late, etc) we stop doing it. From now on computer privileges are earned and there's a nonnegotiable 2hr maximum per day split anyway you want. I took his keyboard and mouse which he will "check out" and return to me when appropriate. I made sure Mike would back me up on this and I really think it'll help behavior in general. Have you ever noticed that everything that helps children behave means more work for the parent?

We (the kids and I) had to trek out in the downpour to the bank first thing to make a deposit in the drive through ATM. When we got back I was concerned about Isaac getting his breakfast. I squeaked my wet shoed way into the kitchen to check on him and when I backed up to leave I fall backwards over the box of Christmas stuff (Mike said he would put away the night before) and slammed my back into Isaac's bedroom door.

It was only my second big fall since my back surgery. It was just as scary as the first and more painful. I went down like a ton of bricks. I knew that was it for me moving around between the fall and the rain. I put up the bat signal. My friend came to help, the my cleaning help agreed to come early and my mom promised to stop by after work.

Priority one was putting away the offending box. It was sitting in a chair the night before and either fell or got pulled down onto the floor. With all the help around the kids we're squared away and floors cleared in record time. I messaged Mike at work to let him know about the fall in case I had to rush off to the doctor's office.

I told him I'd call the Ortho, but no power on earth would force me to the ER, which would probably be as crowded as the mall at Christmas on this soggy worthless day. In the end I remembered the Ortho saying last time I fell "You can't hurt the hardware. I put those rods in 300lb men who do more damage walking around than you're gonna do with a hard fall. Your bones have started growing together. The only thing you're gonna do is have some very sore muscles. Want some more pain meds?"

I sure did piss off my back muscles, which expressed their displeasure loudly for the rest of the day. Advil, sitting against a pillow, and laying down didn't take the edge off. As soon as Mike was home I took a whole muscle relaxer. Stupid gravity!!

Adventures Out In The World

Tuesdays were always mommy group days. Because of the surgery I missed a few weeks and was just itching to get out of the house in general. My amazing mommy group friends had been so supportive and helpful delivering meals, visiting, helping with Riley. One of the girls offered to drive me to group this week. I was thrilled I even put on jeans for the first time since surgery for the occasion.

She pulled up in her four runner and swiftly buckled Riley's carseat into the backseat next to her little man who was snoozing despite kids sing along songs music playing just on the back speakers. Then I pulled myself into the passenger seat while my wheelchair was loaded in the back and we were off. I forgot my parking permit so we parked in the parking garage. It was the last space before the structure went up a floor so it was at a pretty extreme incline, but I was so excited to be there it didn't occur to me to worry.

She unloaded my wheelchair first as Riley stubbornly trying to converse with her sleeping friend in the backseat. I got out of the car and into the chair easily enough. She handed Riley over and we strapped her into the Ergo. She made sure we were settled for a moment and went to get her little one on the other side of the car. I felt the chair starting to tip and focused on keeping my face and voice relaxed for Riley's sake. "Uh-oh" I uttered quietly as I grabbed her head and pressed it to my chest. I braced myself and when we hit the ground I exhaled and looked at Riley who was grinning from ear to ear. Satisfied that she was unharmed and still wanting not to alarm her I called my friend and simply said "we tipped over."

She said "What?!?" dropped her bag and flew around the car. I had been joking the day before if I fell at this point I'd be like a turtle on it's back flailing pointlessly. I was correct. She asked what she should do and I laughed because I had no idea what to tell her. She put Riley back in her carseat and we started with my legs since I could move those and the whole chair was to heavy and at an awkward angle to lift. Then I rolled on my side so she could pull the chair out from under me. I managed to get to my hands and knees and at that point she lifted me into standing position.

Now, back in the chair Riley strapped on and my friend pushing the wheelchair with her little guy on her hip we pressed on. Everyone was so happy to see me and it felt so good to be back. It's astonishing how quickly time passes. Riley is now one of the "older babies" one of her friends from group turned one and the little guy we rode with is walking. As group wore on towards the 2hr mark I felt myself spacing out. My friend approached to inform me I looked pale and she was gonna pull the car around.

As soon as we had loaded up the sky opened up. Good timing. She offered me some chocolate covered almonds which I happily accepted. I've been having blood sugar issues I thinking it just takes a lot of nutrients to heal a wound this big. We sat in my driveway waiting for the rain to let up with two soundly sleeping babies in the back and chatted.

Once I was inside slightly damp with baby in my lap I noticed some "unusual" pain. Mike rushed into another room to take a crisis call from work and Riley who was still dressed in her beautiful white outfit had a diaper explosion. She wanted of course to get off my lap and get poop on whatever she could find, but I fought her and restrained her. The universe loves to overwhelm me. Mike managed to toss me a diaper and a wipes box. The wipes box was empty, ha ha universe. I continued to restrain the baby and breath through pain, but now I was started to lose my calm.

Once I had wipes I held Riley across my legs on her tummy, unfastened her diaper wiped her back, pulled off her bloomers and shirt and then wiped her butt. Once I had her butt clean I pulled the diaper out and rolled her over. Diaper changing without the ability to bend, think about it. I tried to get her to stand up so I could wipe her front, but in true toddler fashion she folded like a lawnchair repeatedly. Once she was clean to the best of my ability I put the diaper down open and tried to sit her on it. I can't support her weight so if she objects we have problems. I kept thinking the last thing I needed was to be peed on right now. Somehow I got her butt covered I laid her back and pulled it through her legs and fastened one side. At this point Riley is furious and the only thing she wants is to get down. Since I refuse to let her the only recourse left to her is to twist and turn like sheets on a clothesline in a hurricane so that I can not fasten the other side. Somehow I overcame my willful and indignant little girl.

With the baby clean I called the Ortho's office and informed that I did my own stunts that morning. They asked me to present myself for x-rays. I called around for help and secured a ride and in one of numerous feats of baby juggling that day another mommy group friend got Riley and I to the Dr. Both babies dozed on her lap in the waiting room while I was subjected to multiple x-rays while the pain crashed in waves. I was in tears when the Dr finished his phone call and came to tell me everything looked fine. I was told to rest and come back if it wasn't better in a week, nice huh? A week.

We got home and after many thank yous I went to bed. Thank you my amazing mommy group, my baby jugglers, my creative diaper manuvers, my cell phone, Extra Strength Tylenol, will power, video on demand, and memory foam I survived.

Like a Pair of Shiny New Shoes

I remember getting new white sneakers as a kid and wiping them off the first few times I wore them outside because I wanted them to stay new and perfect forever. I also remember my mother teasing me for this. That's what a new baby's like too.

You don't want dirt to ever touch them. You don't want them to ever feel sadness or pain. You want to shield them and keep new and perfect for always. And people make fun of you for it.

I remember feeling my heart break when they drew her blood for the first time in the NICU. I remember the first time she bumped her head, or got hungry when I couldn't feed her right away, I remember her first shots at two months and the time Cookie Monster scared her.

I remember this time in the NICU I was by myself getting ready to feed Riley. I changed her and took her temp. I very carefully scooped her up out of the crib and sat down to feed her. All the sudden she was crying. I checked all of the monitor cords, etc and that's when I noticed blood on my stomach. A lot of blood. I wiped it off thinking maybe I scratched myself when I picked up the baby. A few seconds later she was still crying and there was more blood on my stomach and the Boppy and everywhere! I screamed for the nurse and two of them came running. It was everywhere and it turned out the band aids from her little heel sticks had been pulled off right before I came in and somehow they were disturbed enough to bleed. I was shaking and crying by the time they wiped us down and assured me she was fine. A tight swaddle and some breastmilk later Riley had forgotten anything had ever happened, I on the other hand probably never will.

Her life was perfect when she was born. I wanted it to always be. I have learned much like shoes babies get "scuffed up" despite lots of love and care. She will skin her knees and get her heart broken no matter how much I love her. In fact I'll probably cry more than she does.

It's the way it's supposed to be. Kids try things, get hurt and make mistakes. Moms worry. It's gets easier to kiss their boo-boos without feeling like the worst mom on the planet, but I don't think it'll ever not hurt.